mwd Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 My wife and I have been married for just over 9 years, and have 3 young children. I stay home with the kids, and do all of the housework, cooking, shopping and laundry. My wife works full time and supports us financially. We recently moved in order for her to be closer to work, avoid the commute and be able to see the family more. However, she has been leaving for work just as early and returning just as late. She has recently been very diligent about keeping her work-issued cell phone on her at all times. A couple nights ago we were laying in bed and I noticed her texting the Dr. she works for/with. When I asked her about she said she was texting someone else. It was clear to me she was lying, so in the middle of the night I checked her texts (probably wrong, I know, but fear makes you act differently). Sure enough there was a text from the Dr. on her phone with a pretty intimate message which included the phrase, "love you, sweetie". She claims nothing sexual has happened. The conversations have been going on for six months, but I am unable to confirm this because she has been deleting texts as the conversations occurred. They went to lunch a couple times and hugged goodbye from work a couple times. I spoke to the guy about it, he claims he calls everyone at his office sweetie, says love you to the other staff all the time, and that my wife has never sent a text stating she loves him. I am extremely confused on what steps I should follow next. I love my wife and our family, and don't want it to end. She claims the same. I feel a lot of betrayal and anger. I have lost almost all trust in her, I can't stand to even see her on her cell phone. Any input on helping me sort this out will be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 You've been lied to. Sorry to say your story is pretty standard around here. You need to pretend that you have bought her bull**** story. Then you need to very quietly go into investigative mode. Things will cool off between them for a while because they've almost been busted. Start looking at internet history, phone history, financial records. But they're now hiding any traces you might find. Your best bet at this point is to buy a voice activated recorder and place it under her steering column. I put a GPS on my wife's car. I'm not joking. This stuff happens and the rabbit hole is MUCH deeper than you ever thought possible. Sorry for what you're going thru. Stick around here and make decisions with your brain instead of your emotions. Your wife is your adversary for the time being and cannot be trusted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 Deleted...accidental double-post. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 This is not an EA. Your WW has been putting a smile on her boss' face. This is a PA. Your WW has been using the time since you moved save on commuting using that time to have sex with her boss before and after work. Don't confront. Far as I'm concerned you have enough evidence by the way WW is hiding her cell, and lying to you. Along with living closer but still leaving early and getting home later then WW has to. Go stealth mode and gather evidence. Install key logger on the PC, check cell phone bills, get copies of text messages. Hide VAR's in the home and WW car. Hide GPS in WW car. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 I am so sorry for you. It is pretty obvious that your wife has been having a sexual affair with her boss and putting your health at risk for STD's. I would suggest that the both of you get tested for STD's. You may wish to have her take a polygraph. Call your local police department. It will be the best $400 you will spend. You may also wish to contact a lawyer to understand your options. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 You have enuff right now---to tell your wife, all of this texting and conversing with her Dr., lover---ends NOW Tell her it stops or you will see an atty, about D., her----you need to be aggressive and harsh---and jerk her back to reality----that reality---is that she will be a single D., woman taking care of 3 kids, with the label of cheater on her---and she will be providing you with alimony, along with child support, along with taking care of all her own bills and finances. Also let the Dr. know in no uncertain terms, you will be talking to his significant other---and tell her what is going on----just be aggressive, and do not put up with, what is going on If she refuses to stop---you have your answer---and you file for D----You don't have to have tons of info---to pressure her into stopping---let her know you can't make her do anything, and you can't control what she does---but you certainly do have control over everything else, which includes you, the kids, and your right to file for D. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Also let the Dr. know in no uncertain terms, you will be talking to his significant other---and tell her what is going on----just be aggressive, and do not put up with, what is going on Never tell the enemy that you are going to attack. Waring the OM will only give the OM the time to block access to his BW and spin a tail about this crazy BH telling lies and spreading rumors doing damage control. Just expose OMW. Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 My wife and I have been married for just over 9 years, and have 3 young children. I stay home with the kids, and do all of the housework, cooking, shopping and laundry. My wife works full time and supports us financially. We recently moved in order for her to be closer to work, avoid the commute and be able to see the family more. However, she has been leaving for work just as early and returning just as late. She has recently been very diligent about keeping her work-issued cell phone on her at all times. A couple nights ago we were laying in bed and I noticed her texting the Dr. she works for/with. When I asked her about she said she was texting someone else. It was clear to me she was lying, so in the middle of the night I checked her texts (probably wrong, I know, but fear makes you act differently). Sure enough there was a text from the Dr. on her phone with a pretty intimate message which included the phrase, "love you, sweetie". She claims nothing sexual has happened. The conversations have been going on for six months, but I am unable to confirm this because she has been deleting texts as the conversations occurred. They went to lunch a couple times and hugged goodbye from work a couple times. I spoke to the guy about it, he claims he calls everyone at his office sweetie, says love you to the other staff all the time, and that my wife has never sent a text stating she loves him. I am extremely confused on what steps I should follow next. I love my wife and our family, and don't want it to end. She claims the same. I feel a lot of betrayal and anger. I have lost almost all trust in her, I can't stand to even see her on her cell phone. Any input on helping me sort this out will be much appreciated. There are too many red flags to ignore. You confronted her and him and they both denied, which really doesn't prove anything. If they were low-down enough to cheat on you, then it would be nothing for them to also lie about it when confronted. Take a look at the phone bill to see how many texts/pictures/calls are made between the doc and your wife. See if they seem excessive and come at inappropriate times of the day or night, like after 9 pm. Affair partners frequently will text each other first thing every single morning ("good morning sweetie, how are you?") and again at night, usually after 7 pm, to say "good night, sleep well, sweet dreams my love xoxoxox." People involved in a so-called emotional affair who are in physical proximity to each other don't keep it strictly "emotional" for very long. Within a few weeks it will turn physical. My guess is that your wife is having a full blown physical and emotional affair with this doc. Confront your wife. Tell her from now on you do not want her to delete any texts and you want passwords and access to all her communication devices. Tell her that if she has nothing to hide, what's the big deal, it will help you realize she is being truthful and it is something you need to get over it. Tell your wife that the contact with doc makes you uncomfortable as her husband and you want it to stop. Tell her you cannot control her, you can only control yourself and what you are willing to accept and not accept in a marriage. In the meantime, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro. Place it in her car under her seat. Also put one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone with him when you are not around. If you can, put a keylogger on the computer. Put a gps on the car. Don't tell her you are doing any of this. If something is going on, you should be able to pick up on it within a week or so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 First off, no one here knows whether it is an EA, PA, or an A at all, including you. If you find out it is one of those what are you prepared to do? What do you want to happen next? Many people here get all worked up about going into Sherlock Holmes mode, but that doesn't address the basic issue about how you will deal with aftermath if your assumptions are proven correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mwd Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 I agree Realist3, going in to Holmes mode doesn't do much now. They know I am on to whatever they have, and I believe they would be extra discreet. A gps doesn't do much if they are fooling around at the office. She has admitted as much as an emotional affair. They started texting "chit chat" quite some time ago, but those texts became increasingly flirtatious about 6 ago. She is still denying anything physical, at this point I'm not sure if I want to know if there was or not. She does say she has starting caring for him more than just friends would care for one another. I don't see how two people can be that flirtatious with one another for six months, develop deeper feelings for one another, and not let it get physical. I want to keep this marriage together, I just don't know how I can develop any true trusty for her again. It was just so deceiving. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 You have a choice. You can either attempt to end their 'relationship'...whether it's EA or PA. Or you can turn a blind eye and act like nothing is wrong. Which do you think is the most likely method to achieve your stated goal ("I want to keep this marriage together")? You've stated a goal of keeping the marriage together. Great...that's the key first step. Next is to develop a plan of action to reach your goal. If you want advice on how to get there, lots of us can offer it. I'm curious how YOU think you should go about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I want to keep this marriage together, I just don't know how I can develop any true trusty for her again. It was just so deceiving. The affair was a symptom not the cause of something that wasn't quite right in your marriage. Whether you can regain trust will likely hinge on whether you two can manage to address what the issue was/is. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 The affair was a symptom not the cause of something that wasn't quite right in your marriage. Whether you can regain trust will likely hinge on whether you two can manage to address what the issue was/is. Very probably. Just like a fever is a symptom of an underlying infection. However...he probably needs to prevent the SYMPTOM from killing the marriage first, then search for the underlying cause/issue. Just like a doctor treating the high fever to prevent it from killing his patient while he's looking for and treating the underlying infection. The affair is going to kill his marriage far more quickly and effectively if it goes untreated...it needs to be addressed and dealt with FIRST...then they can focus on fixing the underlying issues in their marriage. But until the affair is ended...any effort spent trying to fix the issues entirely on his side will be wasted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 OWL, I can agree with that to a large extent. The affair will have to end. But an EA is not something that just stops in its tracks because it was discovered. It could take weeks or months for it truly to end. Ultimately, his spouse will determine on her own terms how long that takes. While that takes place with her, his enegergies should be focused on how they both can address the underlying problem. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 This affair was physical. Get your head around that. If your wife continues to lie about that fact, how do you expect to ever trust her again? This newfound love for the OM is her attempt to exit the marriage while keeping you in the dark. You are being managed. By buying her bull****, you are simply helping her minimize the damage. If you don't want to find out the truth about that, you're going to be on defense for some time to come. I'm truly sorry to he so blunt but you seriously need to go on the offensive to end this physical and emotional affair or she is slowly setting you up to volunteer for an amicable divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 This affair was physical. Get your head around that. If your wife continues to lie about that fact, how do you expect to ever trust her again? This newfound love for the OM is her attempt to exit the marriage while keeping you in the dark. You are being managed. By buying her bull****, you are simply helping her minimize the damage. If you don't want to find out the truth about that, you're going to be on defense for some time to come. I'm truly sorry to he so blunt but you seriously need to go on the offensive to end this physical and emotional affair or she is slowly setting you up to volunteer for an amicable divorce. What does it matter whether it was a EA or a PA? For men a PA seems to be more difficult to handle. I don't get that. A penis entering a vagina is so much worse that his mind and her mind connecting to build a relationship? It is like so many guys think they married virgins which is simply not the case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 What does it matter whether it was a EA or a PA? For men a PA seems to be more difficult to handle. I don't get that. A penis entering a vagina is so much worse that his mind and her mind connecting to build a relationship? It is like so many guys think they married virgins which is simply not the case. It's the lying that is the problem. I've been here long enough to know that her affair went physical and betrayed spouses (especially men) want to believe it. Her continued lying is a serious problem and requires a far different reaction than when dealing with a truly remorseful spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 It's the lying that is the problem. I've been here long enough to know that her affair went physical and betrayed spouses (especially men) want to believe it. Her continued lying is a serious problem and requires a far different reaction than when dealing with a truly remorseful spouse. My question was more about why it matters so much if it was physical? The lying is involved either way. In my mind it is much more serious if the bond is emotional rather than sexual. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 My question was more about why it matters so much if it was physical? The lying is involved either way. In my mind it is much more serious if the bond is emotional rather than sexual. To your point, I'm not sure it much matters if the affair was physical or emotional (she's checked out of the marriage either way) except to the extent that she's STILL lying to him. If the guy wants to reconcile, what she is doing now is what is important. This affair needs to be fully exposed to the betrayed husband at minimum and sadly, he's in a very typical betrayed spouse fog where he will believe whatever hurts the least. It's normal and I don't blame him but he needs to shake off the cobwebs and figure out exactly what he is dealing with. It sure as hell isn't a few hugs over lunch. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 MWD..Your situation sucks, and i'm sorry to hear it. I'm with the rest of the posters here..she has and is cheating on you. Steel yourself..you will need it when you find out the truth...which will come in small bits and pieces. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
j'adore Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 My question was more about why it matters so much if it was physical? The lying is involved either way. In my mind it is much more serious if the bond is emotional rather than sexual. Yeah some just don't get that when feelings are involved, you are in deep doo doo. You need to sit her down and tell her or catch her out lying and then go from there. Tell her that you will be willing to forgive her if it stops now. Most don't admit it until there is absolute proof. Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Polygraph.. recover the deleted texts. Ask your carried for chat transcripts Link to post Share on other sites
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