New here: Need support from others who have been cheated on

[StillHurtin]

Hello, new here, glad I found this forum. My dh and I have been married 12 yrs w/ 2 children. In April 2003 dh filed for a D. He said he was tired of us fighting all the time and didn't think marriage counseling would help. We fought a lot b/c dh was always gone playing sports or was out drinking w/ his friends.

In Sept of 2002 he took the kids to one of his sporting events as I had training for my job and could not take them w/ me. He was gone for several hours and when he got home he was extremely drunk. We got into a fight b/c he drove the kids home drunk. I told him that was the last straw. He either quit drinking or the kids and I were leaving and I meant it. He did stop drinking and the fighting did cease a little. Anyhoo, he filed for a D and 3 days later I kicked him out of the house. He didn't care, he packed his stuff and stayed w/ a friend until I moved out. I moved back to my hometown about an hour and half away. A few days after he moved out some friends of ours were telling me they heard rumors that dh was having an A w/ a woman that worked for him. This W had always flirted w/ dh but she flirted w/ every man she talked to. A week after my dh filed for a D she filed a D from her H. I called the OW and asked her what was going on w/ her and my dh. Of course she denied everything. She even had the nerve to tell me that my dh is really confused right now about our marriage and he didn't know if he really wanted the D or not. She told me that she would talk to him and see if she could change his mind. HA! What a stupid person I was to believe that. The OW has a way of talking and making ppl believe her. She told me that this wasn't the only time MW have accussed her of having A w/ their H's. She told me she can't walk into a store w/o some W glaring at her. She even laughed about it. She even admitted she had an A w/ another MM that she worked w/ that was seperated for his W.

For several weeks I kept hearing rumors about them being together. One was they were seen at a baseball game 2gether out of town. I asked dh about it and he admitted to it but said he was there w/ her as a friend, not a BF. He said he had extra tickets and she bought them and took her 14 yo son w/ her and dh.

Dh called me another time and told me that he wanted to let me know that he took the OW to the repair shop to get her car fixed and he wanted me to know b4 I heard it from someone else. I called the OW at work. When she answered the phone I didn't know for sure if it was. I asked for T and she just laughed. I yelled at her and said "Didn't I tell you to stay the F away from my H until this D is final?"

She hung up on me. That day I got a letter from dh's lawyer that I was no longer to contact the OW or she would take legal actions. I called and bitched dh out and he told me the reason why he did that was b/c everytime I called her and bitched at her to leave him alone she would confront him and yell at him and he got tired of it so he had his lawyer draw that letter up. A month and half passed and dh and I were still sleeping 2gether. I was stupid but still loved him and thought maybe if I had sex w/ him he would remember how good we had it 2gether and would come back to me. I did go in and have STD test taking in case she gave him anything and all test came back negative, TG!!! He still denied having an A w/ the OW even after I moved away.

A month after I moved away dh called me. He wanted me back. He begged and begged for several weeks to take him back. I wasn't going to take him back, but I still loved him and I couldn't just give up on our M not knowing what the future held for us. He broke it off w/ the OW (it only lasted 2 months). He still continued to work w/ her and I hated that. In October of 2003 she got dh fired from his job (long story). He moved to my hometown and moved in w/ me and the kids. Things are better but still hurt about it all. I just try to live day by day.

I hope I can meet some ppl here that went through the samething I did. I need a support group. I wish I would of found this site a year and half ago.

[StillHurtin]

I forgive dh for his A but I can't forgive the OW. I know dh made vows to me the day we got married and he broke those vows but I can't seem to forgive the OW and I know I should. Luckily I don't see her that often b/c she lives in a different town but we still have friends and family in the same town where she lives. I seen her at the bar one night and I know she seen me b/c she had to walk right passed me to go to the bar or restroom. She walked passed me several times. She wouldn't look at me but I glared at her everytime she passed me. I know that I should be laughing and smiling to show her that I am happy being back w/ dh and that he dumped her to get back w/ me but I find it so hard. They both put me through so much hurt. I loved dh enough to forgive him but I have never liked the OW even b4 her and dh had their A. When I see her I just want to punch her but I know that isn't right. It doesn't help seeing her b/c she lost a lot of weight since I seen her last (b4 dh and her had their A) and I have gained some weight again. I am so depressed about my weight so it doesn't help that I am jealous b/c she is thinner than I am. I am jealous of her b/c she took my dh from me and I never thought he would cheat on me. I am jealous of her b/c she is always a happy person and very outgoing. I shouldn't be jealous of her. She is a slut who has no morals and doesn't care who she hurts. All my friends and family have told me I am a much better person, more attractive than her (failed to mention her H came over to my house several times to show me love poems and letters and he showed my sister a picture of the OW) and one of these days she will get hers. I wish that day would come soon. Right now she seems really happy b/c she is dating the same guy for a little over a year (she started dating yet another guy she worked w/).

I want her to be unhappy. I want her to feel the pain I did when she had an A w/ my dh. I know I need to get over this but it's been so hard. How do you deal seeing the OW/OM?

[Gillian]

You don't deal with them period. It's in bad taste. Your problems are with your husband, not her.

"Dealing with them" has many possible outcomes: How many people çdo you know that admit they were wrong? Another is that you actually like her.

[amanda25]

Originally posted by StillHurtin

.

A week after my dh filed for a D she filed a D from her H. I called the OW and asked her what was going on w/ her and my dh. Of course she denied everything. She even had the nerve to tell me that my dh is really confused right now about our marriage and he didn't know if he really wanted the D or not. She told me that she would talk to him and see if she could change his mind.

Was this lady a friend of yours?? Of course she is going to lie about it, not only because of you and him, but also maybe because of her own marriage...

 

 

 

 

She told me that this wasn't the only time MW have accussed her of having A w/ their H's. She told me she can't walk into a store w/o some W glaring at her.

Probably because she HAS been with other married men...

 

 

Dh called me another time and told me that he wanted to let me know that he took the OW to the repair shop to get her car fixed and he wanted me to know b4 I heard it from someone else. I called the OW at work.

Trying to cover his own tracks....Where you and him still seeing each other throughout your divorce??

A month and half passed and dh and I were still sleeping 2gether.

Ah Ha, you were..That answered my question...

 

He broke it off w/ the OW (it only lasted 2 months). He still continued to work w/ her and I hated that.

Had it been me, i would have made him find another job...Screw that, I could never deal with that, because the trust issue is broken,so the thought would always be there-especially while he was at work...

 

 

In October of 2003 she got dh fired from his job (long story).

Good!

 

He moved to my hometown and moved in w/ me and the kids. Things are better but still hurt about it all. I just try to live day by day.

I hope I can meet some ppl here that went through the samething I did. I need a support group. I wish I would of found this site a year and half ago.

 

 

Well, I am not married, but my boyfriend cheated on me with a "friend" of his (ex of his brothers), then wanted to be her friend here a while back..I didnt know what to do, and blamed myself, so I came here...I got wonderful advice, these people are great! And realized its NOT my fault, and I shouldn't go along with it..I was scared of losing him, but finally got the courage to speak my mind..I told him it was her or I, NOT both....He chose me, and we are still together, working it out...The trust issue was hurt, severly, but We are working through it...I love him, he loves me, and I am sure that we will work..Just have to go one day at a time, is my advice, and try to trust..Don't blame yourself, and put down your stipulations...Its not your fault, its HIS!!

Good Luck To You, I hope it all works out!

[Karlise13]

The reason we can usually forgive our spouse/SO and not the OW/OM is because we have an intimate relationship with our spouse/SO.

 

We see them as flawed human beings. We can sense genuine sorrow and pain when we are with our SO's.

Even if they caused us devastating pain, we can see the shades of gray in our relationship with them, not just see things in black and white terms.

 

Because we love them.

 

 

It's VERY easy to paint the OW/OM as a genuinely evil, completely-lacking-in-morals person because we don't really know them.

We don't have an intimate relationship with them.

 

It's SO much easier to hate them, rather than the SO.

 

Remember, both parties played a part in the affair.

 

I am not condoning the action, I'm just trying to point out that rather than address the anger and ambivalence you may feel concering your SO's action, it's much simpler to direct venom towards the 'whore' who got involved with your husband.

 

If the other woman has a husband, he very likely could find it in his heart to forgive HER....but not the 'son of a bitch' or 'loser' who took her from him.

[Mr baseball]

My wife cheated! I caught her! She told me it was a one time thing and she was never going to tell me. I think she has plans to move out but Im not sure. One day I was thinking about all of this and came to the fact I have this problem with her and not the OM. He only took what was put in front of him! I will say I dont think the OM is a good person because he knows she was taken but he wasnt the one I took vows with.

[StillHurtin]

Hi, and thanks for answering my post below about dealing w/ the OW/OM. I am confused about your last sentence in your post. You said that I may actually like the OW? Honestly, the very first night I met her (b4 she started flirting w/ my dh) I kind of did like her. She seemed very nice but after I went home to get our kids from the babysitter I disliked her. Dh stayed at the employee Christmas party to hang out w/ his co-workers. When dh got home he told me that he was talking to some guys and the OW came over to him, smelled his neck and said "MMMM, you smell good!" and then she bit him, right on the neck! Ever since then I couldn't stand the woman. She tried so hard to be my friend after that. When I went to see dh at work I tried my hardest not to let her see me b/c I knew if she did she would come over to talk to me. Well, one day I didn't get so lucky. She walked out of the office w/ her safety glasses on and I walked right past her. I knew it was her but didn't want to talk to her. She came walking out of the office really fast and yelled "HEY, it's me!!!" and took off her glasses. I lied and told her I didn't reconize her w/ her safety glasses on. She came up behind me and put her arm around my neck and kind of hugged me. I wanted to puke!!! I started walking to my dh's office and she put her arm down and followed me. I wouldn't look at her but yet she kept talking. I tried ignoring her, she kept talking. I can't stand the woman and it hurts like hell that she took dh away from me and the kids. Hate is a strong word so I wont say I hate her, but I have never disliked someone so much in my life. Did my last post come off that I like her b/c if it did, that couldn't be far from the truth. I am jealous of her but I surely don't like the slut.

[ringo]

Look at my situation... my husband had 4 different women - all one night stands, with exception to one he slept with twice. I only know one of the women personally (and have for years) and she ended up pregnant with his child. Nice thing is - she's states away... so your situation could have been worse and more like mine...

 

Like the two of you, we split up, filed for the divorce... got back together and stopped the divorce (all before I knew about any of the affairs). Then a month ago - out comes the truth - every few days it's more and more truth that now, to be frank - I'd rather him keep to himself cause I can't handle anymore.

 

I don't know how to deal with my hurt emotions either... learning to let it go and not think about it all the time or most of my days/nights. So I can't give you advice on this... as I'm seeking an answer to this myself.

 

My H and I go to marriage counseling with a Chaplain and his wife, this helps alot - but only forces us to "deal" with the issues....

 

I always tell my H (since I lost trust in him) that "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS". Meaning, SHOW ME that I can trust you. SHOW ME that you really do love and respect me and want to make everything work. SHOW ME!!!

Does you H do this for you?

 

My H has been trying his best to "show me"... however, he's a procrastinator and I'm very impatient, so this tends to lead to conflict. I want things fixed, and I want it now - to where he knows things take and need time. But I don't hate these other women. I don't hate my husband. I hate the situation itself and what it has done to our marriage. I look past blaming anyone - yes they were both at fault. But what's done is done... no more blame, no more hate and jealousy.... just learning the cope with it all (trying to) so that I can function normally again and not be depressed all the time....

 

I will definitely keep reading your thread to see what others have to say, as I think all of us who have suffered from infidelity need help learning to cope and move forward.... with the spouse.

[StillHurtin]

I wasn't friends w/ the OW but she sure tried her hardest to be mine. I couldn't go into dh's work (b4 the A) w/o her coming up to me and wanting to talk. She kept me there 20 minutes one day and all I wanted to do is drop off the checkbook and go. She came out of the office in her dept and said "HEY, it's me!" she had safety glasses on and I pretended no to see her. She then put her arms around my neck and gave me a hug. I wanted to puke. She was hitting on dh b4 that but I don't think she realized I knew what was going on.

[StillHurtin]

At first dh did a lot to show me how much he cared and how badly he felt about the A. But a year later he hasn't shown me as much. B4 the A we didn't have the best of marriage, in fact I also thought of divorcing him but after I gave it serious thought I couldn't do it. I loved him and couldn't imagine my life w/o him. I wasn't a very happy person b/c I hated my job and was really stressed every day and a lot of times I took it out on dh. It wasn't fair to him, but I still was a bitch to him. I caused a lot of our marriage problems myself but honestly, I don't think that gave him any right to have an A. That was the worst thing he could of done to me and our kids.

 

Our kids don't know exactly what happened, I didn't think they needed to know what happened at their age. All I told him was that dh had a GF (they knew her). Everytime they happen to say something bad about her in front of him he would stick up for the OW. I never stopped them from saying bad things about her in front of him. Maybe I should of but why? He needed to know how much it bothered the kids what he was doing. I never thought dh would actually file for a divorce let alone have an A.

[ringo]

That the person we love the most is the person that can hurt us the most? Something like that.... Your right, what ever problems you two were having, is not an excuse to have an affair. There are no excuses. Affairs don't "just happen". There were many moments when our husbands made decisions to do things he should not have done.

 

1) He decided to spend time with a woman he found sexually attractive.

2) He decided to indulge in flirtatious behavior with this woman.

3) He decided to go to a private place with this woman.

4) He decided to tell her he was attracted to her.

5) He decided to kiss her.

6) He decided not to stop there, and went on the touch her body.

7) He noticed he felt aroused and decided to keep going...

 

And I don't need to keep going with details of mistakes, 8, 9, 10, etc. The point is, no one forced him to cheat. Not you - not this other woman. He made the decision to break his vows of commitment to the marriage many times.

 

"But it didn't mean anything" They often tell us. Is this suppose to make us feel better? That he jeopardized a marriage, broke our hearts, destroyed all trust in the relationship for something that didn't mean anything? Hey, if it didn't mean anything, then why did he do it in the first place? I'm not sure which is worse, a man cheating or his claiming that his infidelity didn't mean anything and therefore, shouldn't really upset us.... a callous attitude which totally disregards all our feelings.

 

What's done is done and you (and myself) have to deal with the aftermath - on our own, somehow. We can not change the past. We can not look to the future with a man we have lost trust in. We have to live with "today" and take things as they come.

 

Just why people have affairs has no single answer. Each case is different. Spouses never recover fully from the affairs of their partners. Affairs rock your world. Life is never the same again. The future is uncertain. Trust in relationships is minimal.

 

After finding out, we the hurt partners experience the most basic loss of self. We feel alien in our own skin. Our world is turned upside down. We start blaming ourselves and looking at ourselves as if somethings wrong with us. It's devastating. And most people remain largely unsympathetic and offer pat advice: "Leave the no-good two-timer." Cliches provide protection. We don't want to believe that a man could have an affair on a wife who is loving and sensual and kind. But that means... it could happen to us. (This DID happen to us).

 

All I know is that if the marriage is going to continue and be "healthy" again, then both partners have to WORK to make this happen. Our husbands need therapy to find out exactly why they did what they did so that it NEVER happens again. We need therapy to find out how to deal with our emotions, let the past go and move forward. We need therapy TOGETHER to learn to trust again, to rebuild the relationship - to start over. It's A LOT OF WORK and DETERMINATION. But if both spouses are willing to put the effort into, then I believe the marriage can survive. But as I said... it takes both partners. It's a battle that can not be fought by one person.

 

Let the affair go. Let this woman go. You husband did what he did... it's done - it's over. He is with you NOW. Go from here, live for today - as yesterday is gone.

[StillHurtin]

Thanks! Your reply really made me think. I know that the pain will always be there. I don't know though if it should be so strong this late. It has been over a year since dh ended the A and got back w/ me. Sometimes it feels like yest this all happened to me. Dh said that I am obsessed w/ disliking the OW and I need to get over it.

I am jealous of her. I know I shouldn't be but I am. When I seen all the weight she lost it makes me so upset w/ myself. I lost 30 lbs in 3 months when dh had his A. Even though it wasn't a good way to loose weight (couldn't eat while dh had his A) I felt very good about myself. I know if I lost all the weight I gained back and ran into her again I wouldn't feel like crawling under a rock so she couldn't laugh at me for being so fat.

[ringo]

Over weight or not... your H is with YOU! NOT this OW! So you've got to be BETTER than her - even though you don't think so. Remember this next time you run into her. And if your H is with you at the time you see her... FLAUNT IT IN FRONT OF HER. This will make you feel better.

 

Ever heard the saying, "What comes around goes around"? Well, this does happen. We may not always hear about it or be able to witness this, but this does happen. This OW will have her heart broken. Maybe your H broke her heart when he left her. Maybe it will be by some OM. Maybe she will be cheated on by a man she loves. You never know. But let her go. She will get hers in the end for her part in this. But think about what I said in my earlier post... he made the many decisions it took to break his commitment to you. She didn't do this. She didn't force him. He did this to you.

 

He should have been man enough to tell her to back off, leave him alone, stay away... whatever... but he wasn't. The mistakes were made. It's done. It's over. So one year has gone by.... you obviously haven't healed from this experience. Get counseling to help you recover completely. You are probably in a better position than myself, considering I just found out a month ago about my husband's affair. You've made it this far - so take the next step (with counseling) to get the help you need to move forward.

[StillHurtin]

Your pain is so new to you right now. I remember a month after I found out about dh's A I didn't know how I could make it through the day, but like everyone else, I did. I cried all day, off and on. When I tried having fun w/ my sister (she was a big supporter) I couldn't. The only time I didn't cry or feel like the world was falling on me is when I drank. Not the right thing to do. Alcohol only numbed the pain for a short amount of time and then when the buzz wore off, I was back into my depression stage (I don't get depressed when I drink, I get happy, I am odd, lol).

You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a very strong person!

[pedwin]

I'm new here also. I would like to tell you that it will get better but I can't say that. I have this pain every day. I'm not sure my marriage can last because i'm being such a B to everyone. Everything he does makes me angry. What's up with that?

pedwin

[StillHurtin]

I am sorry your going through this much pain. I wouldn't wish this pain an anyone (well, besides the OW, but she probably didn't care dh dumped her slutty a$$ b/c she has been dumped so many times she is use to it). I was very angry w/ my dh also. Practically everything he did pissed me off. I wasn't so much of a B to anyone, but him. And yes, I was a B to his mom b/c she was in denial of him actually screwing around. She just couldn't beleive he would do such a thing. Boy, she was wrong. Her ds wasn't all that perfect like she thought he was. Him being the only child she had, he was spoiled rotten and she didn't want to accept the fact her perfect little son could do such a thing to his family.

[pedwin]

How long has it been for you? How are you controlling your anger? I keep thinking of all the lies he had to tell me for it to last 6 years. My brother died in my arms and he was with her. My dh is so passive he talks to me like i'm a child. His mother had him at 40 and he is also rotten. He is very good looking and is use to women falling all over him. The more you do for him the more he expects. He wears me out. I get so mad I can't control it. I want him to be sincere and to show how sorry he is. We are in therapy but I can tell he is getting tired of going. I have no where to go and he knows it. He helped me spend my dead husbands ins. money and he controls ours. I stayed home and raised his daughter. It's horrible to be in this position.

How is your h treating you?

pedwin

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by pedwin

How long has it been for you? How are you controlling your anger? I keep thinking of all the lies he had to tell me for it to last 6 years. My brother died in my arms and he was with her. My dh is so passive he talks to me like i'm a child. His mother had him at 40 and he is also rotten. He is very good looking and is use to women falling all over him. The more you do for him the more he expects. He wears me out. I get so mad I can't control it. I want him to be sincere and to show how sorry he is. We are in therapy but I can tell he is getting tired of going. I have no where to go and he knows it. He helped me spend my dead husbands ins. money and he controls ours. I stayed home and raised his daughter. It's horrible to be in this position.

How is your h treating you?

pedwin

 

 

It has been been almost a year and half since he started having the affair. We have been back 2gether a little over a year. He filed for a divorce in April of 2003 and I kicked him out. The rumors started about the A about the time I kicked him out. I didn't want to kick him out but if he wanted the divorce he needed to get out. I can't help if I would of let him stay at the house he wouldn't of had as many chances to sleep w/ her or at least if I knew he was gone I knew where he was. I kept driving by his friends where he was staying to see if his truck was there. Half the time it wasn't so I knew he was w/ her. One night I drove passed and his truck was gone and called his cell phone. It was around 11 at night. He answered and I asked him where he was. He lied and said he was down at the conv. store getting a pop. At 11 at night?? Bulls***!!! He admitted, he was w/ her. I am suprised he answered his phone even. I shouldn't of cared what he was doing w/ her b/c we were ending our marriage but I still loved him, still wanted him, and I surely didn't want him to be w/ HER! Anyone BUT her! YOu can tell how much I disliked her even b4 the A.

 

I haven't been controlling my anger b/c I stopped taking my anti-depressants. I need to get back on but my insurance through work really stinks (very high deductable.) and I can't afford to go in for something like this. So, I basically just yell if he pisses me off or I walk out and go drive around to cool off. My counselor said that is what I should do if I fell like yelling and screaming at him. It helps. I come back calmer but I still don't want to talk to him.

 

Omgosh, I am so very sorry about your brother. That is so sad! And him he was w/ her? What a selfish jerk!!! I am sorry you had to go through all that w/o him there to support you.

 

My dh has treated me like a child in the past too. In fact the first Thanksgiving we had w/ my family (we were 2gether almost a year) he told me to finish my corn. He treated me like a child and my sister and bil are still pissed about it to this day that he did that. Come on, I was a 21 yo, don't tell me to eat my corn, what a jerk!!! I guess back then the love was so new I didn't care. I just remember telling him I couldn't, I was full.

 

Your situation sounds so much like mine. My dh is good looking too. W flirt w/ him all the time. He always told me about it and then I get pissed and want to go kick their a$$ (but never did, I didn't want to go to jail). He has had 2 of our married W friends (not friends w/ them now) hit on him. One wife was after dh really bad. She wasn't that attrative, a lot older than dh, about 10-15 years I would say, but she did have a nice figure (but so did I, at the time that is). The other wife was even older and there was nothing good looking or sexy about her. She tanned so much her face was all wrinkled and she was so skinny from doing jazzercise every day that she looked like a sheet of leather slapped over some bones. Sorry, that is mean, but true. One barmaid hit on him too. I was pretty concerned about that one. She was in her lower 20;s (dh and I are middle 30's) and she was pretty, but dh said he knew her and she was a slut, so he wasn't too thrilled about her hanging on him. Dh knows he is good looking and it doesn't help that whenever he meets someone new (not every one) they comment on his looks. Just the other day a gal that works for the same co. I do met him and when he walked off she said "Is that your H? He is a good looking guy." Luckily he was no where around to hear it. And when we went to my parent's church w/ the new minister and my mom introduced him to the minister the minister said "Good lookin young man." Here goes the head swell again. Sometimes it's not easy being married to an attractive man. Women always look and then look again. But then I think "he is mine and you can't have him." But then again, the OW got him.

It pisses me off a lot b/c she is the type of person that gets what she wants. I bet every man she goes after she gets and their goes another mark on her bedpost. She ought to be a guy. I never knew what dh seen in her. It's not like she is attractive. At least he could of had an A w/ someone who was better looking than me, but he didn't.

 

Sorry, I am writing a book here. I am sorry that he has done the things he has done to you. He sounds like my dh, controlling. Yes, my dh is still controlling and we still get into arguements about it. He doesn't tell me who I can or can not hang out w/, he just is controlling in little things. He isn't as bad as what he use to be. My marriage is still pretty shaky, sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake by taking him back, but we are working on it, day by day.

 

I hope things get better between you. I know how hard it is. Do you have family that you can go live w/ until you can find your own place if this marriage can't survive? My sister called around to find me a house in the country for me and the kids to move to. I had some place to go once I moved out. HOpe things get better and GL.

[pedwin]

Thank you sooo much for writing. It's amazing how much we have in common. Your husband sounds a lot like mine. What made him file for divorce? Did he say he loved the ow?

It sounds like you have your anger under control. I just keep ranting and raving because nothing seems to bother him. He knows I love him and he also knows I'm not going anywhere. I asked him the other day what he would do if I told him I was interested in someone else. He said he would be shocked. He never asked me if I was. Later on I said to him " you're not normal. Any other man would have said WELL ARE YOU?" I asked him why he didn't. He said that he knew I was just blowing off steam. I said how do you know. He said because I know you love me and you're not that type of person. That REALLY made me mad. He knows I love him and I value my marriage. Then I think to my self WHAT DAMN MARRIAGE!!! How can you marry someone when you have a girlfriend on the side.

I'm glad you are getting things back on track. Do you trust him now? My husband works long crazy hours. With his job he can have all the affairs he wants and I would never know.

If you get the chance write again. It's nice having someone to talk to.

pedwin

[StillHurtin]

Originally posted by pedwin

Thank you sooo much for writing. It's amazing how much we have in common. Your husband sounds a lot like mine. What made him file for divorce? Did he say he loved the ow?

It sounds like you have your anger under control. I just keep ranting and raving because nothing seems to bother him. He knows I love him and he also knows I'm not going anywhere. I asked him the other day what he would do if I told him I was interested in someone else. He said he would be shocked. He never asked me if I was. Later on I said to him " you're not normal. Any other man would have said WELL ARE YOU?" I asked him why he didn't. He said that he knew I was just blowing off steam. I said how do you know. He said because I know you love me and you're not that type of person. That REALLY made me mad. He knows I love him and I value my marriage. Then I think to my self WHAT DAMN MARRIAGE!!! How can you marry someone when you have a girlfriend on the side.

I'm glad you are getting things back on track. Do you trust him now? My husband works long crazy hours. With his job he can have all the affairs he wants and I would never know.

If you get the chance write again. It's nice having someone to talk to.

pedwin

 

Your welcome, and thank you also for replying. I am glad that I can talk w/ someone who has so much in common w/ also.

Dh filed for a D b/c he said we fought too much, he was tired of it. He said he didn't file b/c of her and I am trying so hard to beleive him. He filed for a D in April 7th and then April 10th he moved out. Then the rumors started flying. I did daycare for a couple who's H worked w/ my dh. His wife would pick up her dd and tell me the rumors she heard. I had another ex daycare mom who's H also worked w/ dh and she would call me and tell me the rumors (some weren't true) Then, my BF from high school also worked w/ dh so she would call me and tell me things too (all of which were true.) Then the OW's husband showed up at my house and gave me love letters and poems and told me things he knew. He didn't say he loved the OW to me, but I seen the poems and letters he wrote her and he did say he loved her in those. Told her he wanted to marry her and even if she didn't want to get married again they could still be 2gether. Those letters and poems tore me into pieces!

 

I have asked dh what he would do if I was interested in someone else and he said "Who is it?" I told her no one, just wanted to know what he felt.

I would be pissed at that answer too if I were you.

How is your self-esteem? If you don't mind me asking? Do you feel good about yourself? What I am trying to get at is maybe you thought your dh was the only man that would ask you to marry him? He had a GF when you married him, right? What a sad situation. I am so sorry that you are dealing w/ all this.

 

I don't trust dh 100%. Will I ever trust him? I can't really say. I sure hope so b/c I can't live in a marriage w/ trust. He didn't trust me and it was he!!. I couldn't do anything w/o him asking me who I flirted w/, who did I sleep w/. His fiancee (b4 me) cheated on him and he broke it off w/ her. He said he was insecure and didn't want the samething happen. Well, I told him "I AM NOT JANA!" I have cheated on one BF in my life, and I was only 18. We weren't dating long. I should of never became committed to him b/c I was in love w/ a man I couldn't have (besides a roll in the hay once in awhile, he used me).

If dh was working long hours I don't know if I could trust him either. Do you drive by his place of employment to make sure his vehicle is there? I did that a lot.

 

 

I don't know if I have my anger under control. I still need to work on it. That time of the month is the worst for my mood swings, lol. Is there anyway we can exchange email addresses? I hate to put it here though for the whole world to see. Maybe I will give you my yahoo email, if you want to exchange emails that is.

[pedwin]

My email address is on my profile. I would love to hear from you.

This is my third marriage. I was married the first time at 17. I had a daughter and then we divorced. The second time I was married for 16 years and he was an alcoholic. He killed himself. Then I married this man. Before my husbands suicide I was very self assured. Good job, had my own band for 15 years. Very pretty so people said. After I went through the death of my husband I fell apart. Gained 30 pounds, stayed home to care for his daughter. All of my friends went there own way because I had no time for them anymore. I was to busy with him and his life.

I am now working out everyday, have lost 20 pounds and still love him but he's not on the pedestal I had him on before. Before I found out about the OW I would still get excited when I heard him drive up the drive way and I loved it. Now I get a knot in my stomach every time the phone rings.

pedwin

[StillHurtin]

Thanks about the email. I will "try" and find it, lol. I belong to another forum (99% of them have wonderful marriages, no cheaters so I don't get many who understand). That one is so much easier to figure out than this one. Anyhoo, you have had a VERY rough life! I am so sorry. I feel badly about what you are going through. And to have your H pass away, very sad situation you are in. It still sounds like you are very much in love and if you want this marriage to work be certain that his A w/ the OW is completely over. No more contact w/ her at all. Make him go to marriage counseling. And it sounds like you both need individual counseling also. I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it is. Things do get easier.

[StillHurtin]

Your email is not listed under your profile. I turned on my private message so you can send me your email addy, ok? Would love to hear from you.

[pedwin]

I tried to send you a private message but you must have it disabled?

pedwin

[pedwin]

DID YOU GET MY EMAIL??

PEDWIN