What would you do?

[Ladydrib]

You've been married to the same man for over a decade. No kids, but your extended families have merged and share lives. You love him deeply in that you want well for him and care about his feelings. He is a honest, hard working, intelligent, caring man and is madly in love with you. There are not many available men that are this good of a catch. But you are not in love with him. You do not desire him (ever) and feel disconnected. You feel like roomates and don't miss him when you are not together, although you've never been apart for more than a couple weeks, so it is hard to know for sure. You have addressed all your concerns with him and the two of you have communicated and done what you can to try to improve things for years. When do you stop trying and move on? How do you let go of someone you love but that you could live the rest of your life without being intimate with them? Is that reason enough to throw away the history and the ties, especially when considering that he is happy and wants to stay married? I want to get unstuck. Please tell me what you would do.

[shallow]

That is so tough. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Honestly, I don't have much of a backbone and would probably just stay and deal. But is that the best choice for you? Would you feel like you are making a healthy decision if you stayed? Do you desire other men? Would you ever cheat on him? If you would, I'd say you owe it to both of y'all to leave. If not, would you consider to stay just because you love him, and you are close to him? Also consider that there may be a time in your life when you no longer desire anyone... would he be a good companion when you are both elderly? Would you look back and cherish your marriage with him, despite not having any desire for him?

 

Sorry for all the rhetorical questions. Not sure if that is much help at all.

[Ladydrib]

That is so tough. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Honestly, I don't have much of a backbone and would probably just stay and deal. But is that the best choice for you? Would you feel like you are making a healthy decision if you stayed? Do you desire other men? Would you ever cheat on him? If you would, I'd say you owe it to both of y'all to leave. If not, would you consider to stay just because you love him, and you are close to him? Also consider that there may be a time in your life when you no longer desire anyone... would he be a good companion when you are both elderly? Would you look back and cherish your marriage with him, despite not having any desire for him?

 

Sorry for all the rhetorical questions. Not sure if that is much help at all.

 

Thank you. These are very good questions to think about. I never thought I'd cheat on him and years ago I had already made the decision to stay just because I love him but unfortunately I did end up doing what I never thought I was capable of which is yet another reason to end it. I no longer trust my ability to stay faithful. If I didn't think it could happen to begin with, how can I be sure it won't happen again? Also, I feel now that I do owe it to both of us to end it. I sometimes think if I admit to him how bad it has gotten, that I was in fact unfaithful, that would help him not want to stat together, that it would help him understand that it is not what a marriage should be. But that would be so painful for him to know that I was unfaithful. So then I think it is better just to make a decision and divorce. Why tell him? Either way he will be hurt. Maybe he will hurt less just from divorce. And then I think that if I stay, won't he eventually realize that it is not a good marriage and he may become unfaithful and leave. To be honest, the thought of him with another woman almost makes me happy. But I would rather him go now and for us to not waste anymore time, then to come to this conclusion years later. So much to think about. But I think you're right, that I owe it to both of us to leave. Unfortunately I feel like I need him to agree that divorce is the best option, because when we have talks about divorce, his heart hurts, and I can feel it. I can't stand to feel his heart hurt. But I also feel terrible going through the motions of intimacy when I really feel nothing. I am starting to become obsessed with getting unstuck, I spend nearly all my time thinking about it and reading self help books, but I'm so scared to take that next step.

[mid-divorce]

Please see what i posted in Loveless Marriage.

 

From my point of view anything can work given enough time n effort

[Midwestmom12]

I would leave because it is the decision that is right for both of you. Holding on to him when you don't love him is selfish. He deserves a woman who loves him completely for who he is.

 

You deserve true love as well. You are hurting him more by pretending when you know you're heart isn't it. Let him go so you can both find true love and happiness.

[Ladydrib]

I would leave because it is the decision that is right for both of you. Holding on to him when you don't love him is selfish. He deserves a woman who loves him completely for who he is.

 

You deserve true love as well. You are hurting him more by pretending when you know you're heart isn't it. Let him go so you can both find true love and happiness.

 

Interesting perspective. I always thought of staying as being selfless because he wanted to stay together and so I did it for him. But perhaps half of staying was in fact selfish, just being afraid to let go. I've actually said the same thing you said to him, that he deserves more than what I'm giving him. He disagrees so maybe he is also pretending. I have no problem being selfless, maybe if I change my perspective to see staying as being selfish, maybe that will make leaving possible.

[mid-divorce]

Interesting perspective. I always thought of staying as being selfless because he wanted to stay together and so I did it for him. But perhaps half of staying was in fact selfish, just being afraid to let go. I've actually said the same thing you said to him, that he deserves more than what I'm giving him. He disagrees so maybe he is also pretending. I have no problem being selfless, maybe if I change my perspective to see staying as being selfish, maybe that will make leaving possible.

 

I still think love can come back, but you need to be willing to work on it. As i put in the other post - I was told for 5 months seh didnt love me at all, she back to try and we went on t have 2 more children and where very happy for 7 years

[Ladydrib]

I still think love can come back, but you need to be willing to work on it. As i put in the other post - I was told for 5 months seh didnt love me at all, she back to try and we went on t have 2 more children and where very happy for 7 years

 

Thank you. I agree with you that love can come back. Though I can't remember when I wasn't just going through the motions, while also making an effort to get it back. I am not sure when trying to fix a marriage (without success) is too much trying. I could see myself going on forever, just trying, without results. I think at some point and in some cases you need to accept that you can't change it. I'm at that point now. I don't want to accept it, but it is wasting my life and my husbands life to stay without actually wanting to be in it. Sadly I think I've gone way beyond that point.

[Ladydrib]

I still think love can come back, but you need to be willing to work on it. As i put in the other post - I was told for 5 months seh didnt love me at all, she back to try and we went on t have 2 more children and where very happy for 7 years

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[Cedarman]

You've been married to the same man for over a decade. No kids, but your extended families have merged and share lives. You love him deeply in that you want well for him and care about his feelings. He is a honest, hard working, intelligent, caring man and is madly in love with you. There are not many available men that are this good of a catch. But you are not in love with him. You do not desire him (ever) and feel disconnected. You feel like roomates and don't miss him when you are not together, although you've never been apart for more than a couple weeks, so it is hard to know for sure. You have addressed all your concerns with him and the two of you have communicated and done what you can to try to improve things for years. When do you stop trying and move on? How do you let go of someone you love but that you could live the rest of your life without being intimate with them? Is that reason enough to throw away the history and the ties, especially when considering that he is happy and wants to stay married? I want to get unstuck. Please tell me what you would do.

 

 

It sounds very cold and analytical and is a danger sign that you are about to rationalize a potential EA or PA.

 

I would be completely and 100% honest with your husband and either seek help via counselling or decide to separate. As a husband whose STBXW went through the same thing - I would advise that you be 100% honest with yourself. Is there somebody else? Even if you haven't done anything - is there another person who is pulling your attraction and your emotional energy away?

 

The other question is - were you EVER passionately in love with him? If so, then realize that a marriage is hard work. Every marriage goes through stages where couples pull away from each other. I know that I went through a period after maybe 12 years of marriage (lasting maybe 1 year) where I questioned whether I was in love with my wife - or at least where I found myself less physically attracted to her. But I got over it while staying true to our marriage. When my wife went through the same thing (years later) she went outside of the marriage for her needs. And the lies and deceptions associated with this killed our relationship.

 

If you love your husband, be honest with him and be honest with yourself and don't cheat to meet your emotional/intimate needs.

 

EDIT: Sorry, I missed the following posts where you admit to already being unfaithful. You need to tell your husband NOW and leave the marriage or work at reconciling. If you can't be faithful then all you are doing is selfishly satisfying your own needs while duping your loyal husband. It reflects poorly on what you call "love" for this man. Realize that you have already left the marriage and it will take a lot of work to repair because you have already done a lot of damage (maybe irreperable damage) by disrespecting your husband and your marriage. Just as you feel you deserved "love" and sought it elsewhere, your husband deserves a partner who is loyal and faithful. If you can't be this partner then you should leave the marriage. It is really that simple.

Edited November 24, 2012 by Cedarman

[health]

You can't really be intimate hiding the fact tha you cheated. The longerr this goes on, the worse it'll beome why not woman up and tell him? Sorry, but I think your marriage has been over. If you really want to find love, leave this. Build your own conscience back up. Love can't ever thrive in deceit.

[Ladydrib]

It sounds very cold and analytical and is a danger sign that you are about to rationalize a potential EA or PA.

 

I would be completely and 100% honest with your husband and either seek help via counselling or decide to separate. As a husband whose STBXW went through the same thing - I would advise that you be 100% honest with yourself. Is there somebody else? Even if you haven't done anything - is there another person who is pulling your attraction and your emotional energy away?

 

The other question is - were you EVER passionately in love with him? If so, then realize that a marriage is hard work. Every marriage goes through stages where couples pull away from each other. I know that I went through a period after maybe 12 years of marriage (lasting maybe 1 year) where I questioned whether I was in love with my wife - or at least where I found myself less physically attracted to her. But I got over it while staying true to our marriage. When my wife went through the same thing (years later) she went outside of the marriage for her needs. And the lies and deceptions associated with this killed our relationship.

 

If you love your husband, be honest with him and be honest with yourself and don't cheat to meet your emotional/intimate needs.

 

EDIT: Sorry, I missed the following posts where you admit to already being unfaithful. You need to tell your husband NOW and leave the marriage or work at reconciling. If you can't be faithful then all you are doing is selfishly satisfying your own needs while duping your loyal husband. It reflects poorly on what you call "love" for this man. Realize that you have already left the marriage and it will take a lot of work to repair because you have already done a lot of damage (maybe irreperable damage) by disrespecting your husband and your marriage. Just as you feel you deserved "love" and sought it elsewhere, your husband deserves a partner who is loyal and faithful. If you can't be this partner then you should leave the marriage. It is really that simple.

 

This is exactly why people should not guilt, manipulate, or try to force someone who has tried repeatedly to leave a relationship into staying. It's like taking an emotional hostage. I know cheating is wrong. I am deeply disturbed that I have participated in infidelity. I will carry it with me for the rest of my life no matter if I am alone or in a relationship, and yes, it's my fault, but that doesn't mean it's not devastating. Just like any other bad decision a person makes (example - drinking and driving) it is in fact a bad decision that also causes pain and destruction to the one who is responsible for the decision. I am happy to say I have no other such regrets, horrible choices of any sort in my past, but this is in fact my reality now. What I didn't know is that I could ever be capable of it. I like your response because it makes me angry at my husband, because yes, he had a role in this too. I saw that we were not compatible and tried to do the right thing (break up) before it got to marriage, before it got to infidelity, etc. He doesn't let go. He chases, guilts, fights for months until I become exhausted and decide maybe I'm crazy for wanting a divorce and so I stay and try more. When someone tells you directly that they are not in love with you and they want to end the relationship, why is it okay for them not to respect that person's feelings? Yes, I do need to get out.

[Ladydrib]

You can't really be intimate hiding the fact tha you cheated. The longerr this goes on, the worse it'll beome why not woman up and tell him? Sorry, but I think your marriage has been over. If you really want to find love, leave this. Build your own conscience back up. Love can't ever thrive in deceit.

 

I think you're totally right. Maybe I will tell him. Perhaps that's the only way he will cooperate with me in getting a divorce.

[Cedarman]

I like your response because it makes me angry at my husband, because yes, he had a role in this too. I saw that we were not compatible and tried to do the right thing (break up) before it got to marriage, before it got to infidelity, etc. He doesn't let go. He chases, guilts, fights for months until I become exhausted and decide maybe I'm crazy for wanting a divorce and so I stay and try more. When someone tells you directly that they are not in love with you and they want to end the relationship, why is it okay for them not to respect that person's feelings? Yes, I do need to get out.

 

 

Well, no. Your husband's role may have been to talk you into staying because he loves you and believes in marriage. Maybe he believed you could grow back into love with him. That was his only mistake. I get a feeling that the dynamic of your relationship was that you blamed your husband for ALL your unhappiness. It is not his fault that you stayed in the relationship. That was YOUR decision. Live with it. Take responsibility for it. How dare you speak of his "respecting your feelings" when you went behind his back and cheated.

 

Seek help for your poor decisions and your choice to lie and deceive a person who loves you instead of having the courage to separate. Rebuild your character because right now, you are just fooling yourself and blaming the wrong person.

 

Good luck.

[Ladydrib]

How dare you speak of his "respecting your feelings" when you went behind his back and cheated.

.

 

No, sorry but I have to completely disagree. His lack of respect for my feelings started long before it got to infidelity. I have made multiple attempts to end it with him, and have always been very direct about my feelings, including letting him know I feel zero connection and I see that as a risk because a connection is critical to a marriage so if we can't find that, he deserves more and I do to. I have been very clear and tried to end it time and again for 10 years by the time I became unfaithful (I never looked for a connection with someone else, I spent all my effort trying to make a connection with my husband, and I'm still strongly against infidelity and advise other people to be careful)

 

I'm not your ex wife so attacking my character should not give you a sense of justice. I do however appreciate your input.

[Cedarman]

I'm not your ex wife so attacking my character should not give you a sense of justice. I do however appreciate your input.

 

No, but the dynamic is very similar. As it is with many, I am guessing. It's almost like a script.

 

Here is the point: for 10 years you have been blaming your husband for "forcing" you to stay in a loveless relationship. Was he physically abusive? Did he threaten you to stay? You have not mentioned this, so I am assuming that he didn't. Are there kids involved? Again, you have not mentioned this.

 

You are a grown woman. An adult. YOU made the decision to stay. YOU made the decision to be unfaithful rather than the more courageous decision to leave the marriage. It simply reflects poorly upon your character that you would do this and STILL blame your husband.

 

Do your husband AND yourself a favour, and separate.

[Ladydrib]

 

I would be completely and 100% honest with your husband and either seek help via counselling or decide to separate. As a husband whose STBXW went through the same thing - I would advise that you be 100% honest with yourself. Is there somebody else? Even if you haven't done anything - is there another person who is pulling your attraction and your emotional energy away? .

 

First sentence: done this numerous times. He agreed to counseling but backs out. Once I agree to work on things, he reverts back to the status quo. Second sentence: I have been 100% honest and transparent until it got to infidelity, this I am also considering telling him, although it is very saddening that there is simething to tell him and I deeply regret that it will hurt him. Third sentence: no, there is no one else. There was no one else all these years until last year, and although it should never have gotten to that, I did put a stop to it (and this was not easy). Fourth sentence: no, nothing was pulling me from him. I was just floating aimlessly trying to force being in love with him.

 

The other question is - were you EVER passionately in love with him? .

.

 

No. Never.

 

If you love your husband, be honest with him and be honest with yourself and don't cheat to meet your emotional/intimate needs.

 

.

 

I wish more than anything that I hadn't. I wish I had been confident enough that leaving was the right path before it got to that.

[Ladydrib]

No, but the dynamic is very similar. As it is with many, I am guessing. It's almost like a script.

 

Here is the point: for 10 years you have been blaming your husband for "forcing" you to stay in a loveless relationship. Was he physically abusive? Did he threaten you to stay? You have not mentioned this, so I am assuming that he didn't. Are there kids involved? Again, you have not mentioned this.

 

You are a grown woman. An adult. YOU made the decision to stay. YOU made the decision to be unfaithful rather than the more courageous decision to leave the marriage. It simply reflects poorly upon your character that you would do this and STILL blame your husband.

 

Do your husband AND yourself a favour, and separate.

 

You make too many assumptions. Of course there's more to my story. Capturing 10 years of dysfunction cannot be done in one thread. I think you are too emotionally entangled in a similar situation to give constructive advice.

 

I'm sorry for you about what happened in your marriage.

[Cedarman]

I have been 100% honest and transparent until it got to infidelity, this I am also considering telling him, although it is very saddening that there is simething to tell him and I deeply regret that it will hurt him.

 

It will only hurt him in the short term and it is better than living a lie. You have to kind of get over yourself - your husband will do fine without you - eventually he will do better without you. If he is like me, as well as many betrayed spouses, he will realize that for X number of years he has been wasting his love on a person who wasn't interested. Once the fog of his "love" of his image of you wears off, he will see the truth.

 

i.e. Eventually, he will realize that he is better off without you.

[Ladydrib]

It will only hurt him in the short term and it is better than living a lie. You have to kind of get over yourself - your husband will do fine without you - eventually he will do better without you. If he is like me, as well as many betrayed spouses, he will realize that for X number of years he has been wasting his love on a person who wasn't interested. Once the fog of his "love" of his image of you wears off, he will see the truth.

 

i.e. Eventually, he will realize that he is better off without you.

 

I totally agree that he will be better off without me, and that thought brings me peace. I use this as a discussion point during the many divorce talks we have had. He does not agree and becomes very upset when I say that, but I don't want him to be upset, I want him to see that is true. I realize now that it has come to a point that no matter what, there will be pain involved.

[Ladydrib]

And I agree. He has no role in the infidelity what so ever. That's not what I meant when I said I'm mad at him and that he has a role. What I meant is That since I have been very clear throughout the years that our relationship is missing huge components and he resists my solutions to fix it or leave it, he does in fact have a role in the prolonging of a relationship that should end and he has a role in the wasted time and the pain. He definitely does.

[Ladydrib]

, he will realize that for X number of years he has been wasting his love on a person who wasn't interested.

 

Why couldn't my words "I'm not interested" bring him to the realization that I'm not interested? Why does one not believe the words straight from the source?

 

Did your wife never tell you she was not in love with you? What would you have done if she did? I have said that many times, as well as quite a bit more.

[Cedarman]

Did your wife never tell you she was not in love with you? What would you have done if she did? I have said that many times, as well as quite a bit more.

 

Yes. After 21 years of marriage and two kids. The "I love you but I am no longer in love with you". But we WERE both passionately in love with each other before the troubles - probably for at least 18 - 19 years. So we BOTH agreed to try to reconcile, but my wife was hiding an EA which had turned into a PA. You see it is the deceptions and lies which really kill a relationship. Had my wife been honest about the affair (which was already over) right when we decided to reconcile it might have made a difference. As it is, her secrecy and the lengths she went to protect her secret destroyed her own sense of character - she even admits this - that she does not like the person she has become, which was a pathological liar, where she was once the most honest person I knew. We are separated and we are both working on healing ourselves. And after a period of grief, I am moving on - with my only regret that this didn't happen 4 years ago.

 

So you see, you are really wasting your husband's time and YOUR time with the flawed and self-centered notion that staying together will help you to not hurt your husband when you have already hurt him - he just doesn't know about it yet. And given that you never loved him, you have squandered 10 years of his love which he could have spent on somebody else.

 

You should move on, and allow your husband to move on.

[Minnie09]

You've been in this R for so long, and I think you've made yourself clear to your H also. He's not willing to change a thing, because it works for him and he's happy enough. He bails out of counseling, even though he knows it's important to you, which tells me that bettering the M is not his priority. Unfortunately, I do not think that you are a priority either. I don't want to sound harsh. I also do not think he's being malicious, but for some reason it sounds to me that your H is not taking you very seriously. He definitely does not want to make an effort. He doesn't need to really. For him everything is fine, and there are no consequences for him.

 

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but nothing's going to change until you draw the line and follow through. You have to ask yip itself what you want. And if what you want is worth the consequences. Sounds easy. Is hard to implement. I know. But let me tell you, there are millions of M like yours, where one partner needs more depth, passion, activity and whatnot, and the other one knows that very well, but is too complacent to give. Those ate not malicious people, but they don't think that a change is really THAT important. Life works for them. It should be good enough for the spouse, so even though the spouse complains, it can't be THAT bad. They're still with them, after all.

 

The one thing that concerns me most is the lack of passion. That's the hardest to work on. Even with hard work and effort, it's such a delicate, subtle aspect in a relationship, that it hardly blossoms if it doesn't blossom by itself. If passion and chemistry aren't there naturally, couples hardly get them to grow. Even with counseling and hard work.*

 

I don't know what I would do. I would probably stay also, for all the wrong reasons. So I don't blame you. But I understand you very well. Hugs.

[Ladydrib]

You've been in this R for so long, and I think you've made yourself clear to your H also. He's not willing to change a thing, because it works for him and he's happy enough. He bails out of counseling, even though he knows it's important to you, which tells me that bettering the M is not his priority. Unfortunately, I do not think that you are a priority either. I don't want to sound harsh. I also do not think he's being malicious, but for some reason it sounds to me that your H is not taking you very seriously. He definitely does not want to make an effort. He doesn't need to really. For him everything is fine, and there are no consequences for him.

 

I'm sure I'm not telling you anything new, but nothing's going to change until you draw the line and follow through. You have to ask yip itself what you want. And if what you want is worth the consequences. Sounds easy. Is hard to implement. I know. But let me tell you, there are millions of M like yours, where one partner needs more depth, passion, activity and whatnot, and the other one knows that very well, but is too complacent to give. Those ate not malicious people, but they don't think that a change is really THAT important. Life works for them. It should be good enough for the spouse, so even though the spouse complains, it can't be THAT bad. They're still with them, after all.

 

The one thing that concerns me most is the lack of passion. That's the hardest to work on. Even with hard work and effort, it's such a delicate, subtle aspect in a relationship, that it hardly blossoms if it doesn't blossom by itself. If passion and chemistry aren't there naturally, couples hardly get them to grow. Even with counseling and hard work.*

 

I don't know what I would do. I would probably stay also, for all the wrong reasons. So I don't blame you. But I understand you very well. Hugs.

 

Minnie,

 

Thank you so very much for your reply. It just brought tears to my eyes. It's so insightful and so helpful. Your first paragraph where you say he doesn't take me seriously, I've thought this many times. Every word in your post I believe is spot on and a lot of if helps me see the reality of it. I'm keeping your words so that I can refer to it throughout this process of change as I move forward with divorce.

 

Thank you also for your kindness and sensitivty. Your post is so helpful.