Author Ladydrib Posted November 25, 2012 Author Share Posted November 25, 2012 Just reread your post Minnie. You're so right. He needs no depth and I need a lot of depth. After all the years we actually came to this conclusion recently in one of our divorce discussions. His needs and mine could not be more opposite. That also causes me pain because I'm a giver and since he is not the least bit needy, I never get to give. It is a missalignment. one which we have never understood but we both care about each other and really wanted it to work between us. You are also right where you say it works for him. Hence I want out and he does not. The fact that it works for him probably makes it very hard to understand and believe my words when I tell him it doesn't work for me. You are also so right about the passion. Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 (edited) First sentence: done this numerous times. He agreed to counseling but backs out. Once I agree to work on things, he reverts back to the status quo. Second sentence: I have been 100% honest and transparent until it got to infidelity, this I am also considering telling him, although it is very saddening that there is simething to tell him and I deeply regret that it will hurt him. Are you worried that he will be deeply hurt - or are you really more worried that telling him will be a REAL DEALBREAKER for your marriage? I have a feeling it's possible you may be consciously or subconsciously be protecting yourself from being alone. You just seem so defensive on this issue. And you say you want the marriage over so badly - and for so long, well, here a sure fire way to get it done. Many guys cannot live with that - especially if oyu have been lying about it a long time with the pretense of trying to make the marriage better. Third sentence: no, there is no one else. There was no one else all these years until last year, and although it should never have gotten to that, I did put a stop to it (and this was not easy). Let's get this straight: First - "there is noone else." Next, "there was noone else all these years," and except "until last year" (there was someone else) - "although it should never have gotten to that." But what it shouldn't have gotten to (infidelity), you "did put a stop to it." Fourth sentence: no, nothing was pulling me from him. I was just floating aimlessly trying to force being in love with him. Why? Didn't you know better by this time? Did you do this at the same time as the infidelity? "(and this was not easy)." Correct? No. Never. I wish more than anything that I hadn't. I wish I had been confident enough that leaving was the right path before it got to that. Got to what? The infidelity that was "not easy to put a stop to?" Something just doesn't ring true with me on this story. Why not leave then? Why, when it wasn't easy," beak up your happiness to go back to a loveless marriage - tahat you say you hade already invested a satisfactory amount of time in recueing - all with failed attempts? I know you will not like my analysis. Therefore, I do apologize in advance. I think it is high time to tell your husband (if he doesn't already suspect), and give it up if this is how you feel about him. Yas Edited November 25, 2012 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladydrib Posted November 25, 2012 Author Share Posted November 25, 2012 "Are you worried that he will be deeply hurt - or are you really more worried that telling him will be a REAL DEALBREAKER for your marriage? I have a feeling it's possible you may be consciously or subconsciously be protecting yourself from being alone. You just seem so defensive on this issue." On the rare occasion he sides with separating/divorce it is a huge relief and I look forward to us going our own ways. There's a sense of peace with that. I am most definitely not afraid to be alone and yes hearing that is near insulting. I'm very independent and would be perfectly content being alone. I'd rather be alone and available than alone and unavailable. Anyone who can't understand how it is still not easy to just leave obviously is not going to understand. I'm not looking to explain myself here, I was looking for advice. I'm not looking for an analysis of who I am. Why would anyone in here who has such a tiny bit of information even have a valid perspective of who I am. There are however people in here who have been in similar situations and may have input that is helpful, and I thank those people for sharing. Regarding the part where you question where I talked about the "someone else" maybe it would have seemed less confusing to you if I had posted a timeline. The answer is "no" there is no one else. Because I ended it and no it is not easy to end an affair. That's why so many people get tied up in them. Affairs are highly toxic, yet people struggle to pull themselves away. In my case I was emotionally hooked before I even realized there was anything to hide. I.e. I was not hiding my communication with this man because I had no belief that it was heading somewhere inappropriate nor did I have any intention to guide it that way. In some cases people are emotionally hooked before they even realize they are headed for an affair. Once you're hooked it's a constant effort to brake the cycle. It's absolutely terrible and I'll do anything I can to talk anyone out of falling into such a destructive pattern. The one benefit to having been involved in an affair is I am no longer naive. Had I realized the man I ended up in an affair with was looking for that, I would have thought he was a creep and would have never spoken to him again. Through this experience I can spot the men who are lonely (or whatever it is that drives them to look for an affair partner) anyway I can spot those men now. Especially the younger ones. They are more obvious. The older men, I believe have more practice about being smooth about it. And people who are in unfulfilling marriages, staying to try to make the marriage work, are particularly vulnerable to someone who is looking for an affair. We are attached so less drama there. We are in need of connection so we connect more easily. Things to be aware of. Things happily married people are fortunate enough to not have the propensity for. Unless of course it is someone who genuinely wants to cheat. That I cannot understand. I will never understand it. Anyway, I suppose I have rambled enough now. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperGeek Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 (edited) Guys are sort of trained to 'hang in there' and 'be the rock'. Most of us don't want to be a wimp and just power through the hard times. This is a great trait of most men, but it can have a lasting impact on a relationship that just needs to end. Being male myself it is so hard to know what to do in this situation sometimes, as a lot of women want their husband to fight for them, yet other times they secretly want them to throw in the towel and end the relationship for them. Obviously it depends on the guy and how much stamina he has left before he gives up. My point is this: If you know things aren't going to work and you are 100% about it, you have to end the relationship yourself. Just do it and be confident in the decision. Also don't show up a year later wanting to reconcile either. If you plan to end it, keep it that way and don't flip flop back and forth as it's very painful for the other person. No mixed signals, but be firm in the decision yet respectful of feelings. Just my thoughts on the subject. SuperGeek Edited November 26, 2012 by SuperGeek 3 Link to post Share on other sites
crazykat73 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Your post is as if I wrote it myself. I was married 8 years, together for 13. Never in a million years did I think I'd leave my husband. We don't have kids, but we lost our connection I'd say in the 8th year. Part of the loss of connection on my part was he continued his partying ways that he had before we were married. He's a bit of a weekend warrior. Great during the week, but then he parties it up a little too much. I got turned off from this which was compounded by the fact that I was much deeper than him, so I became exhausted trying to suck emotion out of him. Like you, our families are so intertwined, I love them so much, they love me...after more than a decade together, he is like family to me. I, too strongly disagree with infidelity and never thought I was capable of it. In fact this was my one fear before I got married, that I'd be hurt by a man someday and it was me who ended up falling into this. I felt alone, empty, tried to fix my marriage but wasn't getting any help from him. I wanted to feel in love with my husband, but we jsut became roommates and buddies....sex felt highly uncomfortable and forced. EVen kissing was hard. I so longed to get this feeling back, but his continued behavior didn't help. He was/is a really solid guy. Has it together in so many ways. All the ways you describe. He's successful, fun loving, everyone loves him, good family, good background, - what more could I want. I moved out and have been separated for 2 years now and am so torn about taking final steps, but I fell in love with someone else. Sorry to ramble, but it breaks my heart that 2 people canlove each other and it turn out like this....there was no huge deal breaker in our relationship.....maybe the drinking, but otherwise things were fine. Now I'm at the point of no return and it's harder to look back. Good luck! I really think a connection is important, but I've also had many tell me this fades over time in a marriage and marriage is hard work...yada yada. It's all so overwhelming and makes you wonder what the right decision is. I've had a hard time with it all.... Link to post Share on other sites
crazykat73 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Wow...I just took the time to read through some of the responses. You and I really do have almost a carbon copy going on here in terms of our relationships with the husband - you should read some of my threads I started in November. I am a giver, a nurturer who married a European light hearted guy who is a surface dweller but means well. I always needed more depth and really tried to pull this out of him. I, too, feel misaligned as he is on auto-pilot and thinks or though nothing was wrong and carried on with his happy go luckiness. I could never nuture him or tend to his needs (as this is part of how I express my love) because he simply didn't need it and this I learned (through years of marriage) was something he jsut doesn't need. So, I found myself not being able to express my love in ways I needed to nor receive it in the ways I needed. I ready some of the advice people gave you (especially Minnie09) and it was speaking to me as well.....her post really hit me. I have been feeling guilty for 2 years, having left my husband because we no longer had a connection and I felt lost, empty and lonely in my marriage. I've had all kinds of people telling me I'm selfish, etc. - stay and make it work...but honestly, I tried for a solid year before I left. My advice is that you can only try so long. There comes a time when you need to start living again. Try picking up a book called "Broken Open" - it changed my thinking. A woman who was married 25 years wrote the book. It was an affair that broke her open and put her in what she refers to as a "Phoenix Process" - she was a respected woman in her community and frowned upon, but it was her lover who opened the door to help her get to where she is today and she wouldn't change her mistakes as they were necessary to leading her to where she is now. There's an entire chapter called the Shaman lover that you'll feel it's as if you wrote it yourself. Pick up a copy and read it....it really made me feel like I wasn't alone and sometimes we need mistakes and hitting rock bottom in emotions to lead us down the path we need to take in our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ladydrib Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Wow...I just took the time to read through some of the responses. You and I really do have almost a carbon copy going on here in terms of our relationships with the husband - you should read some of my threads I started in November. I am a giver, a nurturer who married a European light hearted guy who is a surface dweller but means well. I always needed more depth and really tried to pull this out of him. I, too, feel misaligned as he is on auto-pilot and thinks or though nothing was wrong and carried on with his happy go luckiness. I could never nuture him or tend to his needs (as this is part of how I express my love) because he simply didn't need it and this I learned (through years of marriage) was something he jsut doesn't need. So, I found myself not being able to express my love in ways I needed to nor receive it in the ways I needed. I ready some of the advice people gave you (especially Minnie09) and it was speaking to me as well.....her post really hit me. I have been feeling guilty for 2 years, having left my husband because we no longer had a connection and I felt lost, empty and lonely in my marriage. I've had all kinds of people telling me I'm selfish, etc. - stay and make it work...but honestly, I tried for a solid year before I left. My advice is that you can only try so long. There comes a time when you need to start living again. Try picking up a book called "Broken Open" - it changed my thinking. A woman who was married 25 years wrote the book. It was an affair that broke her open and put her in what she refers to as a "Phoenix Process" - she was a respected woman in her community and frowned upon, but it was her lover who opened the door to help her get to where she is today and she wouldn't change her mistakes as they were necessary to leading her to where she is now. There's an entire chapter called the Shaman lover that you'll feel it's as if you wrote it yourself. Pick up a copy and read it....it really made me feel like I wasn't alone and sometimes we need mistakes and hitting rock bottom in emotions to lead us down the path we need to take in our lives. Thanks for your response. It does sound like your marriage was very similar to mine. It is a terrible way to live and is very painful to be the decision maker. I'm sorry you went through it too. I appreciate you sharing your story because it is so helpful to know this is not in my head and it really happens, that a perfectly good relationship can be so perfectly bad. I tried to private message you but it doesn't seem to have that functionality. If you can message me, please do. Link to post Share on other sites
crazykat73 Posted December 2, 2012 Share Posted December 2, 2012 feel free to shoot me an email: [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
bvelvet Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 CrazyKat. This is a longshot but are your husbands initials DR? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
crazykat73 Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 No, the initials are not DR. Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted December 5, 2012 Share Posted December 5, 2012 I'm another one in the "if there never was any true passion, you should end it" camp. I'm simplifying it a bit, but I don't see how you "re-kindle" something that was never there in the first place. Something that important to a relationship, if it's not there, will eat away at you. Hell, I knew it before I even got married but I was too much of a coward and I had basically given up on finding my "true love" after a string of bad relationships and dating experiences. But, eventually, you crave that connection with someone. So, I say go for it. You divorcing him doesn't mean he's a bad person. Take the old, but true, cliche: When you're on your death bed, would you have done things differently? If so, then why wait to change things? Link to post Share on other sites
crazykat73 Posted December 6, 2012 Share Posted December 6, 2012 (edited) deleting message... Edited December 6, 2012 by crazykat73 Link to post Share on other sites
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