Loveless Marriage

[afront]

First post, here we go.

 

I have been married for just over 5 years and I think I'm stuck in a loveless marriage. It feels like were just roomates raising two kids.

 

My biggest compliant is the lack of passion, affection and sex. I definately try but to no avail. I'm sure its common, but it pretty much started after the birth of our first child and got progressively worse after the second. I am still very attracted to my wife and would enjoy more affection and sex, but she does not. She doesn't even like to be kissed anymore. When I try she pushes away with her lips as if to pretend to be kissing me, but really is just pushing me away. On the rare occasion we do have sex, she rushes me and says "don't wait for me". That pretty much kills the mood.

 

I've asked her many times about it and she tends to change the subject and not want to talk about it. I've mentioned therapy but she shows no interest.

 

I dont really know what else to try. I do all the obvoius stuff, but nothing really helps. Even a romantic overnight trip without the kids didnt work. I feel like she is no longer attracted to me . I dont think there is someone else as she is either at work or home. Never goes out, and does not maintain any friendships with anybody esle. ( Thats whole other story!)

 

I dont want to get a divorce, but I also dont want to be stuck like this for rest of my life.

[Ladydrib]

She probably isn't attracted to you. I think you are the other perspective of the thread I just started. Though it sounds like your wife is content to stat this way if she is not addressing it. If she is not willing to work on it and she is fine with it the way it is, you need to decide if you need more out of life or if what you have will be enough for you. It sounds like it is not enough. Whatever you do, be careful not to end up in an affair. It sounds like your circumstances leave you very vulnerable to something that could present itself, even if you're not looking and believe you are not capable of it. Be careful and good luck.

[mammasita]

If you lay it all on the table for her just like you did here what is her response? I mean literally, do not give her a choice or chance to change the subject.

 

"I am not happy with our relationship right now. I am trying to make things better. We need counseling and if you refuse to work on this with me, I will leave"

[afront]

She probably isn't attracted to you. I think you are the other perspective of the thread I just started. Though it sounds like your wife is content to stat this way if she is not addressing it. If she is not willing to work on it and she is fine with it the way it is, you need to decide if you need more out of life or if what you have will be enough for you. It sounds like it is not enough. Whatever you do, be careful not to end up in an affair. It sounds like your circumstances leave you very vulnerable to something that could present itself, even if you're not looking and believe you are not capable of it. Be careful and good luck.

 

That's kind of what I thought, and you are correct.If an oppurtunity were to come I don't think I would say no right now.

[afront]

If you lay it all on the table for her just like you did here what is her response? I mean literally, do not give her a choice or chance to change the subject.

 

"I am not happy with our relationship right now. I am trying to make things better. We need counseling and if you refuse to work on this with me, I will leave"

 

I kind of have done this already, and I think she believes I wont ever leave. And she is right in away, it breaks my heart to leave because of our kids.

[Ladydrib]

I kind of have done this already, and I think she believes I wont ever leave. And she is right in away, it breaks my heart to leave because of our kids.

 

I think we are in very similar situations, except my husband is the one who is content to stay as is. I feel lucky I don't have kids to make the decision harder. Try to remember many children's parents get divorced and they are fine. It is probably hard on them, but setting an example of a loveless marriage can make their life much harder in the long run. My parents never divorced but did not have a model marriage. I often wonder if their example of "stick it out and make the commitment work" is the reason I have such a hard time leaving my marriage. So yes divorce may be painful for your kids, but staying could be damaging.

 

What about talking to a child therapist (by yourself) to get the facts on kids and divorce? Perhaps this will arm you with more information to help you make a decision.

[mid-divorce]

I can see both side to this - 8 years ago my wife left me coz she didnt love me. After 6 months she came back to work on our marraige and she did fall back head over heels for the next 7 years us having two more children.

BUT

She left me agian 5months ago and now wants a divorce, again because she no longer loves me and says becasue she has had to do it once before, she cant go through it again in 5/10 years.

 

Take from that what you want.

 

My side of it, it can be fixed and work - the 7 years proved that, her side it will go again

[cheerfuldoer]

Your wife may be depressed. You state that she has no outside interests or friends, she just goes to work and comes home.

 

You say it started after the birth of your first child. Your wife sounds numb to me.

 

Just a thought, good luck with everything.

[Ladydrib]

Your wife may be depressed. You state that she has no outside interests or friends, she just goes to work and comes home.

 

You say it started after the birth of your first child. Your wife sounds numb to me.

 

Just a thought, good luck with everything.

 

This makes sense. I'm depressed. Hard to know how much of it is general life difficulties wearing me down and/or lack of connection with my husband.

[afront]

Your wife may be depressed. You state that she has no outside interests or friends, she just goes to work and comes home.

 

You say it started after the birth of your first child. Your wife sounds numb to me.

 

Just a thought, good luck with everything.

 

 

Yes, Thats it too. I know she takes Prozac. But does nothing else to help the situation and I don't think I am the solution. I've tried my best to help , but I am not getting anywhere. The problem now is I am getting frustated, and feel alone and neglected. She is so short tempered with me and the kids, when I get home I feel like we are all walking on egg shells. I do my best to not set her off but every little issue pisses her off . I tell her that life is too short to worry about the little things. ie, dishwasher breaking, kids spill milk on floor and so on. She gets so wound up that I think by the time its me and her time, she wants nothing to do wih me and wants to zone out on facebook or TV. It's a dilemna for sure, and I don't know what else to try. She won't seek outside help and gets upset when I mention it. I offer if there is anything I can do to make you feel better or improve your mood, but never wants to talk about it. For some reason its always a bad time.I feel life is too short and I shouldn't be trapped in this situation. However I know if I leave, she could not handle raising the kids and maintaining a household when I am not there. She tells me if I leave she would move back with her Mother 4 hours away and take the kids. I dont want to be that far away from them, and not see them everyday. So she plays that card since she knows by threatening me with that , I won't leave. I don't understand how someone that cant stand to kiss you or even cuddle, wants me to always be around. Maybe its financial, and likes the security. Because if i am gone so is the big house and nice things.

Edited November 28, 2012 by afront

[Sisyphus2012]

how i feel almost exactly. no physical relationship at all. sucks. and yet I am expected to pay all the bills, take care of her etc, she on the other hand has no wife duties to me. security is what she is getting, what am I getting?

[SuperGeek]

OP,

 

Are you in good physical shape, healthy? Do you work out and maintain yourself? What about your wife, does she stay healthy and maintain herself ? Any drastic weight gain, bad diets with either of you?

 

Just asking so i can have some more info before I respond.

 

it's a taboo subject and i often get beat up here on the forum for it, but physical attraction still matters during a marriage to BOTH genders.

 

SuperGeek

[speedbump]

I'm in this same boat. She has absolutely no libido and would be happy living the rest of her life with out sex or any physical contact. She doesn't see this as a problem. If I want sex or look at her, it's because I'm a pervert. She thinks at our age, we don't need to have sex anymore (we're both 38!).

 

And yes, I have taken care of myself. I exercise regularly and weigh the same as I did 20 years ago. With us though, it has never been good. She has never really had a sex drive, but used to at least make a little effort. Now that we have kids, our relationship has fallen to the bottom of her priority list.

 

She's a good roommate and an excellent mother. I thought I could hold out until the kids went off to college, but I don't think I can handle 10+ years of rejection. If we didn't have 2 young children it would be a much easier decision. I'm still not sure I can take the next step and break up our home because I don't want our kids to go through it.