Thoughts from OW/OM needed

[LenaRea]

Hello Everyone! I've been hanging around this site for several weeks now, reading all of your stories and attempting to apply them to my situation. Finally, I've decided the best thing to do is "break the seal," as it were and out myself, LOL.

 

I believe I'm in a situation that could very easily lead to my becoming an "Other Woman." Like so many of you, I've always felt very firmly against infidelity of any kind and I've probably placed my morals on a pedestal that has prevented me from noticing the gray areas involved. It's always, always been a very black/white situation to me. However, now I'm beginning to see how murky and unclear the issue is in reality.

 

I'm a 37 yr old, divorced single-mother to a 3 yr old. In the last several years, my life has practically imploded and reshaped itself into something far removed from what I thought it would look like. I'm ok with all of this and I actively work to make improvements, for me and my daughter. I'm not so cynical to think love no longer exists (etc) but it has not been my priority for a long time. Also, I'm not so unrealistic in my thinking to believe a man will "save me" from my life. I'm quite happy, by choice. I have an amazing daughter, an incredible family, and am very fortunate to have wonderful friends and support. I recently quit my "day job" to go back to school full time so my daughter can be provided with a promising future. I don't feel any bitterness with how my life has turned out and focus mostly on becoming a good role model for my daughter.

 

Because my focus has remained so narrow since I split with my ex, I haven't dated or anything. I truly haven't felt the need right now to involve myself with anyone or to pull the focus from what I need to accomplish. I want to stress, I'm not disillusioned with love/romance/relationships, just completely zeroed in on my priorities.

 

That said, a couple of months ago I met a man who I feel more drawn to than anyone I've ever met. Surprise, surprise he's married. He is also currently one of my professors. Very cliche, I know. Because I'm a "non-traditional" student, he is only two years or so older than me and we have very similar frames of reference. Initially, I thought it was just a run of the mill, school girl crush. Over the last several weeks, it has become very clear he reciprocates the attraction. NOTHING has been said out loud. NOTHING has actually happened. However, the attraction/desire is so thick and palpable. When we are near each other we truly cannot keep our eyes off of one another. We can sense when the other person is even remotely the same vicinity. Even without discussion, I know unequivocally he feels it too. I have never felt this intense of a pull to anyone in my entire life.

 

While I know neither of us would make any kind of move while he is my professor, my concern is about when the semester ends in two weeks.

 

Despite how vehemently I am against infidelity, I know myself enough to know that I would not be able to stop myself, regardless of how wrong it is to proceed with any kind of relationship. Even though I rationally know there is no possible way this could end well, I will not be able to stop myself. The thought going through my head is this question: Which would be worse, a What If or Regret? So far in my life I would always choose Regret. But not this time. The What If would be drastically more painful and difficult to get over. This is so far outside my character, I'm really at a loss with how to make any decisions when the "moment" finally materializes.

 

I'm so sorry this has been so long and I'm not even sure what my question is.....I guess I'm just looking for feedback from those who have traveled this path before me.

[MissBee]

I think it's a bit overblown that you would experience great pain as a result of not pursuing this. I do get the curiosity and how it feels consuming, but the reality is, you don't know him very well, so you'd be surprised at how when he is out of sight, he becomes out of kind and you do get over it.

[LenaRea]

Hi MissBee, Thank you for responding!

 

I completely agree with you. That's the depth of the irrationality of my current emotions. I've never been the sort of person to over-dramatize or to make too much of a situation, which is why I feel so out of my depth. We have had many conversations outside of the classroom, in which the professional relationship lines have disappeared. It has evolved into a personal relationship, with the exchange of personal details and experiences. We just have not yet vocalized the underlying reason for our personal exchanges. I don't know him very well, you are correct. I'm just confident he will pursue seeking me out when the professional aspect of his connection to me is gone. That's where I'm concerned. I'm not confident I'll be able to stand true to my beliefs in this situation. Again, this is truly a first for me. All of it.

[Quiet Storm]

I am not an OW, but I would like to comment on your post before you make choices that could be detrimental to you & your daughters well being.

 

I would like to know how you can be so confident that he will "make a move"? If he has not verbalized his feelings, why do you assume that he will be willing to jeopardize his marriage over a fleeting attraction? Did you hear from others that he is cheater? Do you assume that because he is attracted, he is also weak?

 

Married people get attracted to others all the time- but that doesn't mean that they act on it. Cheating has less to do with attraction, and more about the married person's boundaries, character and coping skills. An emotionally stable married person with healthy boundaries will recognize the attraction for what it is, and choose to not act on those thoughts. Attraction to others is normal, married or not.

 

Despite how vehemently I am against infidelity, I know myself enough to know that I would not be able to stop myself, regardless of how wrong it is to proceed with any kind of relationship. Even though I rationally know there is no possible way this could end well, I will not be able to stop myself.

 

Why not? You aren't giving yourself enough credit when it comes to self control. You are a grown adult. You have the ability to feel emotions, and also the ability to choose not to act on them. You do not have to be a slave to your feelings, allowing them to lead you down an admittedly self destructive path like you are a rag doll in the wind. You logically know that this will not end well, but do not have the ability to stop yourself? Come on. If you really have no self control, then you should see a counselor. There are behavioral therapies available that can help you keep your emotions in check and help you to realize that you do have the ability to stop yourself.

 

You are parent of a three year old. I am sure that you are currently teaching your toddler self control and the skills to manage her emotions in a healthy way. When things don't go her way, she may have a temper tantrum because she is still learning how to stop her emotions from overwhelming her.

 

You, as a parent, teach her that while she has the right to be angry, she does not have the right to lose control and throw herself on the floor in tears. Similarly, you, as a grown adult, have a right to feel attraction to this man, but you do not have the right to insert yourself into this man's marriage because you feel a connection to him. You can choose to not act on your feelings, and to pretend that you don't have control over your own behavior is just immature and gives your power away.

 

I don't feel any bitterness with how my life has turned out and focus mostly on becoming a good role model for my daughter.

 

Choosing to engage in an affair is a self destructive choice. Fast forward twenty years and imagine your daughter in the same position. Would you tell her to act on her feelings and go down a path that will inevitably lead to pain, for herself and the others involved? Probably not. You will likely tell her that these feelings will pass, to stay out of his vicinity, and that there are plenty of single men out there that she will feel connections with.

 

You are at a vulnerable place in your life and you have another person that you are responsible for. You should consider her in the choices that you make. The drama and intensity of an affair will take your focus off of your daughter and undermine your goal of being a good role model for her.

 

Good luck and remember that you (and not your emotions) are steering this ship.

[awkward]

Here's my 2 cents.

 

You have spent the last few years focusing on your daughter and trying to be a good role model for her! Continue that path. If you choose to take a ride on the affair rollercoaster, it will most certainly trickle down and affect her.

 

Keep putting your daughter first and focus on your goals. Maybe you two will meet again and explore something if and when he becomes available.

[2sure]

You are in a vulnerable position right now, and taking big and good steps to not be vulnerable but stable and secure.

 

Stable and secure women date available men .

 

There are exceptions of course.

[woinlove]

Lots of good responses here. I like LFH's observation that you are missing something in your life right now.

 

If you feel so obsessed that you will not be able to control yourself, that suggests you likely have spent a fair amount of time fantasizing about this man, because your "romantic" or "personal" interactions with him have not been that substantial up to this point. That fantasizing time must be filling some need and suggests you are not fully absorbed in your studies, parenting, friends, family and other pursuits.

 

Any time you spent figuring out why you've let yourself obsess over this MM to the point that you feel you now have no control left, would be time very well spent. I suspect you would learn more about what is lacking in your life right now, what it is you really want, and how to achieve that in a way so that you will continue to be a great role model to your daughter and not bring deception, along with potentially a lot of pain for you and others, into your life.

[freestyle]

Lots of good responses here. I like LFH's observation that you are missing something in your life right now.

 

 

Ditto---

 

Sometimes, when you're starving, any crumb can look like a meal.

[LenaRea]

Thank you everyone for the responses, it means a lot!

 

If you were actively involved in a relationship with him, or a friendship it would be a different conversation, but from what I'm reading, you don't even spend time with him except in class? If so, what you're feeling right now is attraction and crush.

 

We have not progressed to a "relationship" but there have been many interactions & conversations outside of class, albeit on campus. What began most certainly as a minor crush began to change when his treatment of me changed and our increasing interactions became more familiar, personal.

 

You sound like you are looking for something in your life right now. Maybe you feel like you are missing something or need a little excitement.

 

Perhaps subconsciously I've felt this way. If asked, I would say I haven't been feeling the need for anything "extra" in my life. Being a single mother/full time student with a part time job I would definitely say I'm too tired more often than not for anything more in my life. Plus, a relationship would take too much energy and pull too much of my focus right now. Just the idea feels exhausting!

 

I would like to know how you can be so confident that he will "make a move"? If he has not verbalized his feelings, why do you assume that he will be willing to jeopardize his marriage over a fleeting attraction?

 

I am curious to know how you have the feeling he is interested in you.

 

Are you getting signals, eye-contact, special attention, that gives you the impression he might start something -- make a move?

 

There is intense, consistent eye contact with every interaction including while he is leading class. The class is essentially directed solely at me at this point. Also, he has driven conversations in an increasingly more personal direction, with moments of "confessional" style speaking, as though he's telling me secrets. Topics of discussion that he has made a point of keeping 100% private to the rest of the class he has made me privy to. He's used that time old tactic of saying things to fish for compliments, as well as getting me into his personal space. Trying to get me to touch him somehow, which I have so far managed to avoid. He seems to "pop up" out of now where at other points of the day, like in line for food etc. Using the opportunity to strike up relaxed conversations. He seems to know when I will be at certain points of the building. He has made comments alluding to the difficulty of marriage, without blatantly stating he's unhappy. Despite no verbalization of our attraction, he has made multiple statements about "continuing conversations" after the semester ends and insinuating he can't have certain conversations now, but that he will be telling me more soon. Those are the main indicators so far.

 

The reason I'm posting here for all of your thoughts, is because I know this isn't a situation I want to enter into. The reaction I've had to this man and possibility of something more is so against how I've led the my life. I've never felt like I could be "out of control" before, which is why I have become alarmed. I would much rather request your honest thoughts now before anything were to take place, than to post after a relationship started and I'm filled with guilt or hurt. I've read all of your stories with the intent of arming myself with the knowledge of your experiences, to give me the strength to hold on to my pride and convictions. I'm not "looking" to be with this MM or any MM. I'm looking for ways to hold onto myself prior to a situation developing. So far, my impression is that his status as my professor is what is holding him back, not his status as a married man.

 

The other reason I posted is because most of your stories tell the after effects of the A, not how things developed in the beginning. I was hoping to confirm that my situation was maybe similar to how an A evolved for some of you, in the hopes of having tools at my disposal to avoid it. Since I'm so outside my realm of experience, I did not know where else to turn for advice.

[LenaRea]

And it sounds like you are more than willing to invite pain in your life, just because of a attraction........why?

 

I'm truly not more than willing to invite this pain in my life, that is why I'm asking for feedback/advice now, before I'm in a situation I can't get out of and affect mine or my daughters life.

[freestyle]

\

There is intense, consistent eye contact with every interaction including while he is leading class. The class is essentially directed solely at me at this point. Also, he has driven conversations in an increasingly more personal direction, with moments of "confessional" style speaking, as though he's telling me secrets. Topics of discussion that he has made a point of keeping 100% private to the rest of the class he has made me privy to. He's used that time old tactic of saying things to fish for compliments, as well as getting me into his personal space. Trying to get me to touch him somehow, which I have so far managed to avoid. He seems to "pop up" out of now where at other points of the day, like in line for food etc. Using the opportunity to strike up relaxed conversations. He seems to know when I will be at certain points of the building. He has made comments alluding to the difficulty of marriage, without blatantly stating he's unhappy. Despite no verbalization of our attraction, he has made multiple statements about "continuing conversations" after the semester ends and insinuating he can't have certain conversations now, but that he will be telling me more soon. Those are the main indicators so far.

 

The reason I'm posting here for all of your thoughts, is because I know this isn't a situation I want to enter into. The reaction I've had to this man and possibility of something more is so against how I've led the my life. I've never felt like I could be "out of control" before, which is why I have become alarmed. I would much rather request your honest thoughts now before anything were to take place, than to post after a relationship started and I'm filled with guilt or hurt. I've read all of your stories with the intent of arming myself with the knowledge of your experiences, to give me the strength to hold on to my pride and convictions. I'm not "looking" to be with this MM or any MM. I'm looking for ways to hold onto myself prior to a situation developing. So far, my impression is that his status as my professor is what is holding him back, not his status as a married man.

 

 

The parts I bolded actually sound like predatory "grooming" on his part.

 

He's trying to suck you in, and soften you up.

 

Next time he gets into your personal space, pointedly ask him, "So, how's your wife & kids?"

 

(it's worked for me...I let my boundary be known, without having to turn it into an awkward situation)

If he takes that as a cue to start complaining about his marriage-shut him down by telling him that you hope he can find a good marriage counselor.

 

 

A good read would be , "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

She goes in depth into how affairs begin in the first place---maybe that will help you to see where you're headed.

[Tara247]

Lena, lose the married scumbag please. . From what I've read on here, so much heartbreak from both OW and BW, it's going to be nothing but trouble. Personally, I would never compete with another woman. If you got involved with this creature, you would be competing with his wife.

[veryhappy]

I have been in your place, I have initiated the A and it ended two months ago after 1.5 years.

 

If you want to go down this path I would recommend you take several months away from him to see if the infatuation diminishes (that's what I did), and if you decide to move forward set an expiration date to it. Considering you are a single mom, I'd suggest a year. If you find yourself wanting a R with him, you need to bail.

 

The price to pay for knowing how that man touches and kisses is very high. Make sure you are willing to pay the price. Make sure he's worth it, and do read what people are going through with ending an affair. If you are willing to sign up for the pain, you can decide whatever you want.

[MissBee]

Hi Lena,

 

I was on my phone when I responded earlier, so didn't get to respond how I'd like. I do think the point someone made about if you feel like something is missing is really crucial, as the more fulfilled you are, the less likely you are to entertain situations that you yourself feel aren't a good idea. So I'd suggest you think about why it would be worth it to throw caution to the wind. The problem obviously (as you've stated) isn't just in him attempting to take the relationship further but your fear that, since you want it too, you won't be able to stop it. Do the potential rewards outweigh the risks? Think about that.

 

At this point we don't know for certain if he will indeed take it to another level once you're out of the course, but you could be right. There are ways to avoid that though, but obviously you want to entertain it, so the problem is your own self control. I do kind of hope for your sake that he doesn't pursue it further...but if he should, I do hope that you don't get in over your head.

 

What would you want from him? A real relationship? FWB? What?

 

I understand the attraction, like I said, but I also know that you can build it up in your head to larger than life proportions, when in reality, it doesn't need to be that way. You're telling yourself all this stuff about not being able to live with the pain of not doing it etc and it does seem a bit dramatic. You're not alone though as some OW do speak in this way, as though they were compelled and had to be in an A and this is their soulmate and so on, yet most times, under all that, it just boils down to poor boundaries, fueling an attraction and getting carried away...then it crashes and burns.

 

I remember about 3 years ago I met this married guy in the library. I immediately noticed him when he walked into a study room, where I was initially the only person, and he said hi, asked me how I was doing and flashed a killer smile. The attraction was electric! It took that instant only. Most people didn't say hi when they stepped into a study room, but he actually made it a point to speak to me. He sat infront of me at another desk, back turned, and I checked his finger, and he had on a wedding ring. I was like "Damn...too bad". I continued doing my work but the air in the room was different, I could just tell there was something there. I left after an hour or so to stop by my apartment and then told my roommate about it and how I think he might like me..and she kind of looked at me like I was crazy, since we really didn't have much of an exchange...but I FELT it. Anyway, I went back there, didn't expect him to be there, but he was and when I stepped in he commented that he had missed me. Right then I knew I wasn't crazy but evidently he took notice of me. He started asking what I was reading, we began talking and laughing and I was EXTREMELY attracted to him. He brought up his wife and how she was in med school in another country and he also gave me his card. I was on fire...I really liked this married guy. I wanted so bad to ignore him being married and "be friends". I was terrified of being his friend as I knew the attraction was palpable and the chances of crossing the line were great. Long story short, I added him to Facebook, I thought of sending him messages but didn't. He spoke to me a couple of times but didn't make it long. I was GLAD he didn't pursue it vehemently, as I may have given in. But point is, as much as I was attracted and could tell he was too and it was electric and we had lots in common....because I did not speak with him often and had no reason to, the feelings eventually disappeared and I forgot about him. I didn't die and it wasn't very painful. Maybe for a few weeks I lamented about "Omg why are all the men I like taken" or entertained fantasies of me and him. But I left it there and then it died off. The crime isn't the fantasy or the attraction...we're humans, but the difference is those who apply self control or allow the feelings to pass and those who dive in then say it just happened.

 

You won't die or feel great pains...chances are, if you do avoid the situation, the crazy feelings will just die down. I don't buy into the idea that just because you're attracted to a MM or any man, that means they are right for you or you should pursue it. Most mature, emotionally healthy adult women realize that you can feel attraction for lots of people and it simply is just that...it's not a sign of magic, or soulmateship or that you MUST be with them even if the situation is not ideal. The Romeo Juliet point made earlier is useful, not because it is such a great story proving love, as the poster implied, but because it was rather tragic and pitiful in the end. That to me shows that chasing "love" at all costs and letting one's emotions guide you totally will usually see people acting in very volatile ways that often end badly.

Edited November 25, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I could have written the above except the word secret. I don't keep him a secret, all the important people in my life know about him. I agree that affairs happen and they aren't all bad. I also know that while I'd not change it... it certainly didn't turn out the way I expected and I can't honestly encourage anyone to go out of their way to do it this way.

 

 

Romeo and Juliet isn't actually a love story. It's the story of a 3 day "relationship" between a 13 year old and a 17 year old. People that would not be old enough to work past 9pm in most states...and that caused 6 deaths. Not exactly what one strives to hope for in a partnership.

Bridges of Madison County... also not a love story. It's a portrait that was portrayed as a love story. It was meant to display what is lost in marriage, what is given up and what requires patience and sacrafice. It wasn't actually a love story.

Prince Charles and Camilla... well, that's not exactly a perfect love story either.

People do fall in love when they aren't supposed to, but...romanticizing it isn't a good idea. It hurts, it can hurt a lot, and if someone is going to do it, they should go in with their eyes open.

 

This is such a great point and a very concise version of my thoughts .

[TheOW]

The best advice I can give you is dont do it !!! Be one of the stronger women and dont succumb to your desires for this man. Trust me it will save you alot of heartache, guilt and moodswings. if you have been reading these posts carefully you will see that all of us OW are not happy in our situations we are like a bunch of lovesick puppies whimpering for our AP's time - its pathetic and demeaning, and its not what we want. (If we are honest with ourselves, if we could turn back the time we wouldnt go there knowing the pain its causing us)

[j'adore]

The parts I bolded actually sound like predatory "grooming" on his part.

........................

 

A good read would be , "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.

She goes in depth into how affairs begin in the first place---maybe that will help you to see where you're headed.

 

WoW this is exactly what I was thinking,. This man is clever not to be obvious, it is mostly subliminal messages, making you think that it is all in your mind and you who started it. He is planting thoughts into your head. STOP, read the pain here, don't....... he has done this before...... it is his idea of fun. This actually is quite skilled but you have to be aware of it.

[cocorico]

He makes eye contact, "bumps into you" on campus, and shares stories with you he doesn't share with the rest of the class - this is the basis for your assumption of a grand seduction? More likely, he's seeing an older student, a student-parent, who works part-time - all of which puts you doubly at risk of dropping out of university, and so he's doing what the literature encourages good academics to do, which is to engage you in your learning, to foster a sense of belonging and to create in you a sense of investment that reduces the chances of your dropping out.

 

If I had a penny for every student who took any sign of interest or engagement from a lecturer as an indication of undeclared passion or longing, I'd be the wealthiest person on the planet. Students want to believe they are special to their lecturers, and some are. We all appreciate bright, engaged students who encourage us to think differently, but that does not mean we want to bed them!

 

If you like him as a friend, and want to continue a social R with him once you graduate, by all means do so. But to pursue a romantic R on the basis of very ambiguous (at best!) signals seems like a bad idea. If you're wrong about his intentions, you'll become known as yet another silly undergrad with an unrequited crush on a lecturer. If you're correct about his intentions, you'll land up in a R you're ill-prepared for and unsure if you really want. I'm not seeing many positive options here in this situation - not because I think As are bad ( I don't) or that they all end badly (mine didn't) or that I think student - lecturer Rs can't ever work out (I know many that did) but because what you describe here does not sound like the basis for what you're really looking for.

 

He's treating you as an adult - not as a parent, not as a student, not as an employee - and he's giving you good feedback and affirmation of a type you've been missing. That's great, and you need it - but that doesn't mean you have to sell your body, your comfort zone or your principles to get that. Recognise that it feels good, that you'd like more, and find other ways of getting it that don't pose such a high risk to the life you're trying to create for yourself and your daughter. Good luck

[woinlove]

Some people are not direct and to the point when it comes to courting.

 

Others like you and LFH have a more direct approach and state your intentions without equivocation.

 

In fact there are women that doubt whether a man wants to have sex with them until he drops his trousers. These women often need direct statements.

 

Some people are very forward and obvious whereas others simply play the love game with hints, flirtatious behavior, and their eyes. I believe the latter is much more romantic than the straight forward maneuver.

 

I think OP can tell her professor wants her even if he was no direct and straight forward.

 

I agree with this. Different people have different styles of showing attraction and romantic interest. I don't see any reason to doubt Lena's observation on this.

 

No matter how interested he is, what matters is how she chooses to respond, and I agree with the majority of posts here, advising her to not pursue an A with this MM and to focus on whether she needs more excitement or connection in her life and how to achieve that in healthy, responsible ways.

[MissBee]

kt,

 

I definitely appreciate your honesty.

 

I would say though, that Lena is not even in a relationship with this man and hasn't been propositioned....so I don't think she should be deciding to embark upon it for the few benefits she MAY get.

 

I feel like an A is something that the costs and benefits can be calculated once you're already in it...but I don't think it's wise to plan to get into one based on the idea that there may be some benefits.

 

I do see where you're coming from and I do understand how if you're at a certain age or also if you have certain issues, like control for example, why the parameters of an A would make sense. But I think if you're younger and also if you have a young child...it becomes a very different ball game.

 

But I second Lena really weighing it and deciding what to do NOW before anything happens.

[2sure]

The longer you are with him , by your own definition, the longer you will not be able to confide in your children, family, or friends. Don't think that keeping such a secret from those closest to you does not create distance. it is the very nature of shared intimacies and shared lives that creates close connections with family and friends , especially at your age.

 

Sadly, the time will come when the distance is larger and he is no longer available, simply because of logistics.

 

This is how people end up alone.

[LenaRea]

OP

 

You fit the typical profile of a woman that decides to be an OW as she starts to run out of options in her late 30s. With you is worse because you have a child.

 

Unless you are willing to be a classic concubine with zero expectations you will get very hurt. The only ones that seem to make it are the concubine prototypes. Those with expectations are almost always hurt.

 

The professor would like to have sex and you are receptive. It is nothing more than that. The professor knows that the way to a woman's genitals is the emotional component. He is grooming you and you are very receptive.

 

No doubt about it. You are OW material.

 

It is up to you to screw your life.

 

Hello Pierre, Thank you for your honest responses! Could you clarify for me your definition of the "classic concubine" for me? I just want to make certain I'm getting the full intent of your message. Also, You and several others have mentioned the idea of MM "grooming" me toward an A. This is not a situation I'm familiar with. Could you Pierre, or the other's of you that felt this same way in regards to my situation, explain this to me in detail? That would be very helpful, as others pointed out this could be his "hobby" and If I have any shot of picking up on those things, to determine whether it's real or not. He's been with the college for several years, but this was his first semester at my campus, so there is no easy way to find out his past history.

[LenaRea]

Your mm sounds practiced, I would bet this is not his first time doing this with a student. I bet you are one of many. How would that make you feel if you found that out to be fact? Would you still feel special or more like just another number? You should investigate to see if there are rumors of him doing this previously.

 

Real love is not on the movies, not on tv and not in some tragic romantic tale. Real love does not invite pain (via affairs) into your own life. That's not loving behavior for yourself nor your daughter.

 

Hello LadyGrey, Thank you for offering up your thoughts. It's MUCH appreciated! In response to your questions, Should I find out this is his MO consistently, I would probably feel a loss of respect toward him. It would most certainly change the game, in so far as, "STDs" and other problems that could arise from too many lovers within too close of time frame. I would feel kinda grossed out. I absolutely would say something to him about it as well. I'm not sure how I can find more about him, as this is his first semester at our campus. So, no one knows anything about him, at least not this framework. I wouldn't even begin to know how to find info.

[LenaRea]

I listed the "downsides" because that is what everyone here seemed to focus on. I can list the upsides if you like. But, this post is about somebody else, LenaRea, not me. I wanted her to understand the problems that an affair can bring.

 

She already knows the upsides. If she has not figured out the advantages, Mr. College Professor is sure to explain and demonstrate them to her.

 

My upsides list is pretty voluminous and it might not relate to many other people.

 

I made my list of upsides and downsides when I was considering whether or not I wanted to carry on the affair. Not whether or not to have it at all. The first night had already happened when I sat down with my pen in my hand and said, "That was crazy. What the hell am I doing?" And I started writing my lists.

 

Everybody is different. Right now, this is a nice lifestyle for ME. Someday I might change my mind and want something different, but not today. And maybe not ever.

 

I am an old widow with grown children and little grandchildren. I think of myself as "married to a ghost." My husband's clothes are still in the closet. His boots are still parked in the corner. My bathroom still smells like his Brut deoderant. His hunting rifles grace the walls. I take them down and clean them every deer season. I visit his grave every Sunday morning.

 

My kids pop in and out of my house whenever they please. They don't have keys, but where I live, nobody locks their doors. They know they are always welcome.

 

The biggest upside is that I DON'T have to change my life or my house or tell my kids anything.

 

I don't tell my kids because I don't want to and I don't have to. I am very careful what I say to my tribe of overprotective, hot tempered, gun-toting boys who look so much like their father it breaks my heart.

 

I couldn't visit the old loverboy in the hospital because he asked me not to. Yes, that probably does mean his wife is suspicious. His other friends went to visit and it was hard for me to stand back quietly and hope he was doing ok.

 

But back to LenaRea. By now, while we were all talking about me, she has probably made her decision. Maybe she has slept with this man. And she might be sitting down with her pen in her hand, wondering what the upsides and the downsides are to own personal situation. Wondering if she should carry on with him, or end it as a one-night stand.

 

If my personal situation helps her in any way, it was worth posting.

 

God bless her. I hope she tells us what she decided to do. She's an interesting and terribly romantic young woman.

If my personal situation helps her in any way, it was worth posting.

 

God bless her. I hope she tells us what she decided to do. She's an interesting and terribly romantic young woman.

 

Kt DiD, Thank you so much for your replies, the level of honesty you've provided has been very valuable. Even though nothing has started, I'm going to make list anyway!! At minimum it will be able to help me confirm what it is I really want. And that's a start.

[Henni]

Hello LadyGrey, Thank you for offering up your thoughts. It's MUCH appreciated! In response to your questions, Should I find out this is his MO consistently, I would probably feel a loss of respect toward him. It would most certainly change the game, in so far as, "STDs" and other problems that could arise from too many lovers within too close of time frame. I would feel kinda grossed out. I absolutely would say something to him about it as well. I'm not sure how I can find more about him, as this is his first semester at our campus. So, no one knows anything about him, at least not this framework. I wouldn't even begin to know how to find info.

 

Hi LenaRea,

 

I relate to your story quite a bit, although in my case I knew the MM for over a year and worked very closely with him before anything happened. In this sense, it was a friendship that grew into more, rather than a strong attraction from day one. There wasn't the same distance hierarchically either, in terms of teacher/student or boss and employee in my case, but there was some. I spent a long time teetering around that obvious attraction where nothing was said before anything happened, so did he. Eventually, it did. I don't know how I feel about that really, it had to come to the table eventually. It seemed to me that his marriage was pretty dead anyway before we ever spoke of it. I knew his wife and had seen them 'together', which means never sitting together, never talking together, and generally seeming to actively dislike each other over that same year. I'm just wondering if, after term is over, you think it might be possible to ask him, straight out and in a public place, is this friendship or do you expect something more? I think his answer, and the way in which he answers, might help you know more about him and whether to trust him? If his answer is this is just friendship and I don't want anything more, then you can choose either to live with your friendship and wait/hope for your own passion to die down, or to move on and leave that in the 'misread that' box. If his answer is that he does want something more, then obviously you are free to ask - what about your marriage? and to state whether you would be ok with an affair or would rather wait until he is divorced, if that's at all on the cards for him. At least then he would know where he stands and where your boundaries are, and you would know what he's after, without inviting some seriously embarrassing times on campus. Just my thoughts.