Thoughts from OW/OM needed

[freestyle]

Lena--the college professor sleeping with his students is a recurring theme.

I've been reading this forum for years--so I've seen it happen time & time again.

 

When I read you description of him making eye-contact with you, exclusively, and getting into your personal space--it got my hackles up. I didn't post it, but in the back of my mind, I was thinking "he's done this before".

 

Have you ever read , "The Art of Seduction" ? aka the PUA Bible?

(pick-up artist)

 

Some of what you described is right out of the script in that.

It describes how to hook someone in with eye-contact, sharing personal stories, etc...... (which is also called "grooming")

 

 

It's incredibly inappropriate for him to cross boundaries like that, when it could be detrimental to your education. He should know better.

 

If there was a chance in hell of this becoming a healthy relationship for you

(AND your daughter--anyone in your life WILL affect her life)

Your professor will follow the steps to go about things honorably.

Meaning, getting divorced first............

[Pierre]

Hello Pierre, Thank you for your honest responses! Could you clarify for me your definition of the "classic concubine" for me?

 

A concubine is a man's second woman.

 

A concubine knows she is the second woman and not the wife.

 

A concubine knows all important days and holidays are spent with the wife.

 

A concubine is not high maintenance and does not make waves for the man.

 

A concubine is sometimes a woman that the man could not consider if he was single. However, this is not always the case.

 

A good concubine helps the cheating man to keep the affair a secret for the sake of the marriage and the family of the cheating man.

 

From dictionary.com

 

con·cu·bine   [kong-kyuh-bahyn, kon-] Show IPA

noun

1.

a woman who cohabits with a man to whom she is not legally married, especially one regarded as socially or sexually subservient; mistress.

2.

(among polygamous peoples) a secondary wife, usually of inferior rank.

3.

(especially formerly in Muslim societies) a woman residing in a harem and kept, as by a sultan, for sexual purposes.

 

 

BTW, I don't agree with the part of the definition where it says the concubine is of inferior rank. In most cases that is not the case.

 

 

 

You and several others have mentioned the idea of MM "grooming" me toward an A. This is not a situation I'm familiar with. Could you Pierre, or the other's of you that felt this same way in regards to my situation, explain this to me in detail?

 

A single man courts a woman in a somewhat different manner than a cheating married man. A single man has all the single women in his socioeconomic group available to him. The single man picks one women and asks them out on dates to get to know them. A single man has many options.

 

OTOH, a cheating married man does not have all the single women available to him. Many single women do not give one second of attention to married men.

 

So the MM looks for women that may be willing to date a taken man. When the MM finds a suitable candidate he generally does a magnificent job in charming her. It is important to laid down the ground work by establishing a friendship and from there the MM slowly introduces the concept of being in a very unhappy marriage.

 

It is also important to try to discuss issues that are enhance emotional intimacy. The cheating MM is usually very good at being very attentive and romantic since willing single women that disregard his marital status need special consideration.

 

Once you are convinced the cheating MM is a victim of his wife you will go into rescue mode and will fall for him. At this point MM knows you are about to fall and continues to play the victim role until some sort of accident happens and the two of you end up in bed. It is a very romantic way of courting a woman. The unavailability of the MM makes the relationship very special and the brain chemistry changes associated with LOVE are very intense (because of the obstacles).

 

 

That would be very helpful, as others pointed out this could be his "hobby" and If I have any shot of picking up on those things, to determine whether it's real or not. He's been with the college for several years, but this was his first semester at my campus, so there is no easy way to find out his past history.

 

Ha, ha. Whether it is real or not should be a moot point. This guy is married! Most women would not give this guy any attention. Did your mother tell you to stay away from married men when you were growing up? Will you advice your daughter against dating married men when she gets older?

 

In any event the professor knows you are receptive and he is grooming you (oops, courting you).

[Pierre]

Hi LenaRea,

 

 

I think his answer, and the way in which he answers, might help you know more about him and whether to trust him?

 

Trusting a cheating man is an oxymoron.

 

Maybe Lena trusts people that lie.

[Henni]

Trusting a cheating man is an oxymoron.

 

Maybe Lena trusts people that lie.

 

Well if you expect that people treat everyone in their lives in the same way this makes sense. EVERYONE lies, in some way to some one at some time. Or do you think that's not true?

 

He might answer - I only want friendship. He might answer, I feel something but I don't want to cheat, or he might say any number of things which are not lies. He hasn't done anything yet, he hasn't lied to anyone, but you are already calling him a cheater and a liar.

Edited November 26, 2012 by Henni

[TheOW]

And again ..... DO NOT DO IT !!!

 

Why are you even contemplating an affair when nothing has happened, you are not even sure if this is what he wants ? It sounds like you have a crush - keep it at that and move on!! If i could turn back the time and stop our first kiss i would - i would still fancy the man to this day but i wouldnt be in the messy situation i am now in.

 

Leave him alone, trust me in the long term you will be thankful

[woinlove]

Just out of curiosity, since I'm new here and all, should I just assume my original thread topic is now a dead topic? It was certainly not my intention to stir up dissension within the group. I was only hoping for some honest feedback, which most provided and for which I'm very thankful.

 

Definitely not, if you can use further input. The majority have advised to give MM a pass and one or two said to consider the pros and cons. If you have some of your own pros and cons to offer, I'm sure you can get feedback on those - or anything else related to the OP.

[LenaRea]

Hi LenaRea,

 

I relate to your story quite a bit, although in my case I knew the MM for over a year and worked very closely with him before anything happened. In this sense, it was a friendship that grew into more, rather than a strong attraction from day one. There wasn't the same distance hierarchically either, in terms of teacher/student or boss and employee in my case, but there was some. I spent a long time teetering around that obvious attraction where nothing was said before anything happened, so did he. Eventually, it did. I don't know how I feel about that really, it had to come to the table eventually. It seemed to me that his marriage was pretty dead anyway before we ever spoke of it. I knew his wife and had seen them 'together', which means never sitting together, never talking together, and generally seeming to actively dislike each other over that same year. I'm just wondering if, after term is over, you think it might be possible to ask him, straight out and in a public place, is this friendship or do you expect something more? I think his answer, and the way in which he answers, might help you know more about him and whether to trust him? If his answer is this is just friendship and I don't want anything more, then you can choose either to live with your friendship and wait/hope for your own passion to die down, or to move on and leave that in the 'misread that' box. If his answer is that he does want something more, then obviously you are free to ask - what about your marriage? and to state whether you would be ok with an affair or would rather wait until he is divorced, if that's at all on the cards for him. At least then he would know where he stands and where your boundaries are, and you would know what he's after, without inviting some seriously embarrassing times on campus. Just my thoughts.

Hi Henni!

I appreciate your response! I think it would be a good idea to ask him for clarification once the semester has ended (in two weeks) outside the setting of the university. It would be much simpler to react appropriately to the situation once I know exactly what the situation really is and am not just making assumptions about his intentions. The one thing I feel is best though, would be to wait for him to approach me. If he doesn't, then I can just let the entire thing pass by and not worry about what will happen when I run into him next semester, when he is not my professor. If he does pursue me after the class ends, then that alone could be a clue as to his intentions.

[LenaRea]

LenaRea, I am sorry we all got sidetracked. Reading your posts, I get a little uncomfortable with your situation. Where did this guy come from? Have you ever seen his wife? Doesn't anybody know his background? I would look him up on spokeo.com and on facebook and on myspace and on court records and make some very cautious phone calls.

 

I have to admit something I probably should not. I'm a lawyer. I'm all for investigating and checking and double checking. It's pretty easy to do on the internet. You don't need to hire anybody.

 

I am a bit of a fanatic about it. Please forgive me.

 

But the things you say about him make me a little nervous. I don't think you are misreading the signals. I think he wants you. You describe it so well, I can see it happening.

 

Please do some checking and proceed with caution. At least find out why he left his last teaching job.

Hi kt did! Again, I'm very appreciative of your comments. The only answer I can provide regarding your questioning is in relation to the reasons behind his move to my campus. He was transferred to this campus as a promotion, going from an adjunct faculty position at his old campus (with no benefits, etc) to a full professor position at my campus. So, he was not "sent" for any nefarious reasons. As far as investigating him, other than his private/non-public Facebook account, I have no idea how I would even begin to locate more information about him. He is a very closely guarded and private person. Which is why I have been struck so strongly by the personal details he has provided me with. He makes it a point, all the time, to "keep things close to the vest." I'm not a wiz at investigating, but there is very, very little about him on the internet. The few random things I have found have all been substantiated by general comments he's made and there is nothing untoward that I could find. Thoughts?

[Pierre]

Hi kt did! Again, I'm very appreciative of your comments. The only answer I can provide regarding your questioning is in relation to the reasons behind his move to my campus. He was transferred to this campus as a promotion, going from an adjunct faculty position at his old campus (with no benefits, etc) to a full professor position at my campus. So, he was not "sent" for any nefarious reasons. As far as investigating him, other than his private/non-public Facebook account, I have no idea how I would even begin to locate more information about him. He is a very closely guarded and private person. Which is why I have been struck so strongly by the personal details he has provided me with. He makes it a point, all the time, to "keep things close to the vest." I'm not a wiz at investigating, but there is very, very little about him on the internet. The few random things I have found have all been substantiated by general comments he's made and there is nothing untoward that I could find. Thoughts?

 

What are you looking for in his background?

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Despite how vehemently I am against infidelity, I know myself enough to know that I would not be able to stop myself, regardless of how wrong it is to proceed with any kind of relationship. Even though I rationally know there is no possible way this could end well, I will not be able to stop myself. The thought going through my head is this question: Which would be worse, a What If or Regret? So far in my life I would always choose Regret. But not this time. The What If would be drastically more painful and difficult to get over. This is so far outside my character, I'm really at a loss with how to make any decisions when the "moment" finally materializes.

 

This is how I felt when my A started. I HAD to know. Now I'm finally starting to think differently.

 

My two cents: Save the What If's for someone who is available and then let them play out without regret. In most cases like these there's no hope ahead, only heartbreak.

[BrokenPrincess]

The price to pay for knowing how that man touches and kisses is very high. Make sure you are willing to pay the price. Make sure he's worth it, and do read what people are going through with ending an affair. If you are willing to sign up for the pain, you can decide whatever you want.

 

This. Exactly.

 

I spent 1.5 years ignoring the tingle I felt when I first saw my xMM. I wrote off the sparks I felt around him as just a figment of my imagination. But then one night we finally kissed & confessed our feelings for each other, and not gonna lie, it was amazing. Bring on the full blown affair and we're happily getting closer every day, both physically & emotionally.

 

Except then D-Day hits when he wife finds out and boy, do you pay that price.

 

Tears that won't stop for days. Treacherous knots in your stomach. You feel insecure, devastated, ashamed, confused, guilty, lonely, jealous, angry, questioning who you've become, what kind of mother & role model you are for your child.

 

Right now it is fun for you to think about him & the fantasy of hooking up, but trust me, when it's over, you will be consumed (6 weeks today and still counting...) with processing all of this anguish...and all alone.

[LenaRea]

What are you looking for in his background?

Hi Pierre,

I'm not actually "looking" for anything in his background, I was mostly responding to kt did's post advising it could be a good idea to investigate and answering her questions. I wouldn't even know what to look for anyway. I just thought I'd let her know what I did (or rather didn't) find when I did a quick cursory search.

[LenaRea]

OMWF & BrokenPrincess, I'm so sorry for the heartbreak you both are going through! Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me and with such honesty. Despite how cliche' my situation is, it is still nice to know I'm not the only person who's felt this before.

 

LadyGrey: Thank you too for your perspective! I honestly hadn't thought about him potentially being some sort of "serial" cheater, it's just not an idea that has ever been on my radar. So, I appreciate having things framed in a different light. It's certainly food for thought and will help me maybe notice behavior I hadn't noticed before. I'll let you know

[beachbabe82]

Sounds like you are just attracted to the mystery. May be?

 

Build a solid foundation first, before sleeping with him. Make sure you are really ready to be a secret.

 

I couldn't be a secret with Billy. I didn't want to sneak around. Billy has shown me through actions that I am his girl

[BrokenPrincess]

I never tried Spokeo...gonna check that out! I discovered the arrest records (google sheriff arrest records whatever county) and it pulls up the mug shot & arrest paperwork. You'd be really surprised at some of the records you find (but that's another thread)

 

I also like to search the property appraiser office- you can see who's listed on the house + value. A friend found out this way her boyfriend not only secretly had his ex-gf on his mortgage but he'd actually bought her house for her too!

[Pierre]

Hi Pierre,

I'm not actually "looking" for anything in his background, I was mostly responding to kt did's post advising it could be a good idea to investigate and answering her questions. I wouldn't even know what to look for anyway. I just thought I'd let her know what I did (or rather didn't) find when I did a quick cursory search.

 

Oops, you are correct.

 

I guess the investigation would exclude his marriage and focus on his prior history. I am assuming she would look for a criminal record, fraud, etc. I guess that would make him a bad dude.

 

But, lest say you find nothing and he was a good boy scout as a child. What would you do? Check his marriage to see if he is a good husband? Check the wife to see if she is not a good wife?

 

Are we going to ignore the elephant in the room?

[j'adore]

My basic run-down when I am trying to discreetly size up another person:

 

1. Spokeo.com This will give you the names of his immediate family members, level of income, places he lived before, etc. Free.

 

You can sign up for additional info, but what you usually need is free.

 

2. Facebook, Myspace, Twitter Will provide additional info. Look him up, look his wife up, close family members, friends, etc. If you can find a similar interest, friend-request one of his friends.

 

What does his wife's FB page say about him? Is he in her photographs?

 

3. Google his name. May provide more info.

 

4. Linked-In. Commonly used by professionals.

 

5. Local court records. These are free in most communities and can be accessed on-line. Most people have something in their court records, a traffic ticket at least. They also show divorce records, child support, DUIs, etc.

 

If he has multiple DUIs, is a sex offender, has open warrants, more than three dead spouses, or anything obvious, of course, you will want to drop him like a hot potato.

 

If not, sit down and talk with him. Ask him open ended questions (questions that don't have yes/no or one-word answers). It is usually simple to get people to open up and talk. Try to start some of your questions with the words, "Sounds like . . ." Or "Tell me . . . "

 

For example, "Sounds like you had a wonderful childhood, was it all fun and games for you?" Or "Tell me about your dad, was he the reason you decided to pursue education as a career?"

 

Compare what he tells you with what you already know. Is he telling the truth? Don't confront him, just listen.

 

If he is not what he says he is, it will become crystal clear.

 

I didn't go through this routine for my own M&M. I had known him for a decade as a work-friend before we became lovers.

 

But if you have met somebody new, who came from another place, who just started teaching that semester . . . There may be something in his records that will have an influence on your opinion.

 

Reading your posts and others, I had to question my M&M today.

 

I asked hm, "I get the feeling your wife is suspicious. of us. How is it that she is able to recognize me when we never met before?"

 

He said, "Well, she's seen photos."

 

"Of ME? How the hell would she see photos of ME? You don't even have any photos of me."

 

"Well, yes, I do. Two year ago, when we had that ofice Christmas party, and you were dancing in the conga line. I took a lot of photos."

 

"But everybody was in those photos. How did she know who I was?"

 

"Because you were the most beautiful one there. She picked you out and said, 'who the hell is THAT?' She looks like Cher! That's not the one you go on business trips with, is it? ' "

 

Nice. Do you think he is feeding ME a line? Hope not.

 

Jeepus that is seriously weird cyber stalking

[cocorico]

Jeepus that is seriously weird cyber stalking

 

Not at all. I always check people out very thoroughly before they're allowed near my underwear. I checked my fMM out for ages before I decided he was worth exploring, and it was well worth it. No nasty surprises, I knew exactly what I was dealing with upfront.

[Pierre]

Why do you need a background check or do any digging? The fact that he's married should be enough to stop you dead in your tracks.

 

You have all the necessary intel - married with children.

Leave the man alone.

 

The elephant!

[LenaRea]

Hi Everyone! I wanted to clarify the privacy comments made by the MM in my situation. I raised this issue to illustrate that he does not treat me like he treats the other students. That he, in fact, treats me much differently when we are one-on-one. MM has a very informal teaching style, which opens him up for routine questions about himself by the class. He never responds to these questions, stating he is private and prefers to keep his life to himself. These are comments he makes IN CLASS to the class and I know this is how he responds when students ask him about his personal life when they are one-on-one with him. (I've witnessed him not commenting to direct questions, again stating privacy, to other students.) This was the main indicator for me that he could perhaps feel differently about me and that I wasn't imagining interest coming from his direction. During the multiple times we've had conversation outside of class, his guard has come down and he has offered details to me of his private life, his past, his hope for his career, etc. The very first time he "gave" me personal information it seemed to shock him almost immediately that he had discussed anything private with me. As though forgetting I was a student. That was the moment I realized there was something more than just "friendly" about our interactions. And every conversation has become increasingly more personal and intimate, with more life details coming out. All information he has told me so far that can be verified has been true. (Not to insinuate I know he's not a liar, if he's willing to cheat I know he must be a liar.) But, the point was to show the opposite of how this thread has gone. He does not actively shut down to questions from me and say he's private or withhold information. It's the exact opposite. He can't seem to help himself from giving me the details of his life and trying to encourage me to get to know him.

Edited November 28, 2012 by LenaRea
I didn't want the last line in the post. It could mislead my intentions.

[MissBee]

Hi Everyone! I wanted to clarify the privacy comments made by the MM in my situation. I raised this issue to illustrate that he does not treat me like he treats the other students. That he, in fact, treats me much differently when we are one-on-one. MM has a very informal teaching style, which opens him up for routine questions about himself by the class. He never responds to these questions, stating he is private and prefers to keep his life to himself. These are comments he makes IN CLASS to the class and I know this is how he responds when students ask him about his personal life when they are one-on-one with him. (I've witnessed him not commenting to direct questions, again stating privacy, to other students.) This was the main indicator for me that he could perhaps feel differently about me and that I wasn't imagining interest coming from his direction. During the multiple times we've had conversation outside of class, his guard has come down and he has offered details to me of his private life, his past, his hope for his career, etc. The very first time he "gave" me personal information it seemed to shock him almost immediately that he had discussed anything private with me. As though forgetting I was a student. That was the moment I realized there was something more than just "friendly" about our interactions. And every conversation has become increasingly more personal and intimate, with more life details coming out. All information he has told me so far that can be verified has been true. (Not to insinuate I know he's not a liar, if he's willing to cheat I know he must be a liar.) But, the point was to show the opposite of how this thread has gone. He does not actively shut down to questions from me and say he's private or withhold information. It's the exact opposite. He can't seem to help himself from giving me the details of his life and trying to encourage me to get to know him.

 

 

Hi Lena,

 

Maybe I didn't read other parts of the thread yet where this was answered, but re the bold, has he actually attempted to be romantically involved with you? The bold seems as though you've been propositioned explicitly, yet when I first read the thread it was that you think he likes you but not that he's explicitly tried anything.

 

If he's not in fact tried anything, you could be right about how he feels, but I'd also caution against putting the cart before the horse. I had a married graduate mentor once who I swore liked me (In fact, I still think he did lol). I was doing research and met with him at a cafe to talk to him about it and I felt like his interactions with me were more like getting to know someone you like rather than completely professional and he also shared personal details. We had monthly meetings in the research fellowships and in the meetings I felt like he was always looking at me. He emailed me once saying I could call him and gave me his cell phone and home phone number and added "just in case", which I thought was odd as nothing would ever be that urgent . Once, we had a conference and our group flew to another state and on our way back, while in line at the airport, he starts telling me how great my presentation was and that he was surprised it was my first time, which was fine, but he already said so directly after I presented, so it seemed like he was going out of his way. He then went on to make small talk, which I didn't see him do with anyone else. Another time, we were going to another conference and he sat beside me in the van and we were talking, he seemed to always go out of his way to compliment me or speak with me on trips or open up avenues for me to talk to him. I was not his personal mentee either, but he was assigned to the group, which made his extra attention that more suspicious, and he was one of many mentors, but the only one who seemed extra invested in me and not just my work. His whole vibe and demeanor with me just seemed different and I've obviously had men like me before, so my vibe was based on that knowledge.

 

Long story short...I liked him too. He was attractive and brilliant and funny but married. I knew this but still liked the attention and was planning all these scenarios of what if he did really like me and actually made it explicit one day. Well...he never did. I graduated and moved on. I don't think I imagined it...but since he didn't act on it explicitly, I could also be wrong and he could have just been friendly or took a shining to me that was not at all romantic. OR, since he is human, he may have liked me, but let reason govern him and realize I was his mentee and he was married so it doesn't matter. Saying all that to say that you should just live your life as if he doesn't like you...if he hasn't actually been explicit. IF and when he does make it blatant then you'll have more to work with. But for now, it may all be conjecture and may not even be anything to worry about as it may actually fizzle away when you're not his student.

Edited November 28, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Criminal Psychologists say there are only three motives for murder: 1. Greed; 2. Lust; or 3. Revenge.

 

 

Point is -- women should not be so trusting. If you are dating somebody who is married, you should be even LESS trusting.

I am sure some people WOULD be furious with me if they knew I had checked them out, or guided a friend or client through this process. But, just like my clandestine relationship, I don't get caught.

 

Trust no one, and when suspicions arise, deny everything.

 

I have to agree with the bold, and also point out that if one wants to be in a triangulated relationship, you may need to investigate the BS too...since if revenge is a top motive...if someone finds out you're sleeping with their spouse...how do you know they won't become unhinged?

 

As for the last bit...most cheaters live by this and what's worse... there are those who even when caught red-handed think they can pull the fleece over someone's eyes by vehement denial. Then you have to wonder if they're idiots or they just believe you are.

[spice4life]

Thank you everyone for the responses, it means a lot!

 

 

 

We have not progressed to a "relationship" but there have been many interactions & conversations outside of class, albeit on campus. What began most certainly as a minor crush began to change when his treatment of me changed and our increasing interactions became more familiar, personal.

 

 

 

Perhaps subconsciously I've felt this way. If asked, I would say I haven't been feeling the need for anything "extra" in my life. Being a single mother/full time student with a part time job I would definitely say I'm too tired more often than not for anything more in my life. Plus, a relationship would take too much energy and pull too much of my focus right now. Just the idea feels exhausting!

 

 

 

 

 

There is intense, consistent eye contact with every interaction including while he is leading class. The class is essentially directed solely at me at this point. Also, he has driven conversations in an increasingly more personal direction, with moments of "confessional" style speaking, as though he's telling me secrets. Topics of discussion that he has made a point of keeping 100% private to the rest of the class he has made me privy to. He's used that time old tactic of saying things to fish for compliments, as well as getting me into his personal space. Trying to get me to touch him somehow, which I have so far managed to avoid. He seems to "pop up" out of now where at other points of the day, like in line for food etc. Using the opportunity to strike up relaxed conversations. He seems to know when I will be at certain points of the building. He has made comments alluding to the difficulty of marriage, without blatantly stating he's unhappy. Despite no verbalization of our attraction, he has made multiple statements about "continuing conversations" after the semester ends and insinuating he can't have certain conversations now, but that he will be telling me more soon. Those are the main indicators so far.

 

The reason I'm posting here for all of your thoughts, is because I know this isn't a situation I want to enter into. The reaction I've had to this man and possibility of something more is so against how I've led the my life. I've never felt like I could be "out of control" before, which is why I have become alarmed. I would much rather request your honest thoughts now before anything were to take place, than to post after a relationship started and I'm filled with guilt or hurt. I've read all of your stories with the intent of arming myself with the knowledge of your experiences, to give me the strength to hold on to my pride and convictions. I'm not "looking" to be with this MM or any MM. I'm looking for ways to hold onto myself prior to a situation developing. So far, my impression is that his status as my professor is what is holding him back, not his status as a married man.

 

The other reason I posted is because most of your stories tell the after effects of the A, not how things developed in the beginning. I was hoping to confirm that my situation was maybe similar to how an A evolved for some of you, in the hopes of having tools at my disposal to avoid it. Since I'm so outside my realm of experience, I did not know where else to turn for advice.

 

Hi, just wanted to chime in. The short of it is that he is grooming you to have an affair with him. He's dangling carrots to keep you hooked and following along. I am quite certain that is what you are experiencing right now. If you bite, once the semester ends he will fnd other carrots to dangle (i.e. trouble in the marriage, him and his wife are like roomates...the list goes on).

 

He already has you justifying to yourself that your life is full and a "real" relationship is out of the question for you. This guy sounds like a master manipulator and it is not his first time at the rodeo. He already has you twisting and bending and beside yourslf with anticipation. The only way you will be able to get some prospective is to pull back and put some space between the two of you. Give yourself a moment to breathe and then when your mind is clear, evaluate the situation. Don't go into anything while you are surrounded by "the fog" because you will be in for one he** of an emotional rollar coaster ride.

 

If you don think you can compartmentalize your feelings and view this situation as nothing more than affair then you need to run away as fast as you can! From what you posted about your situation, I can tell that this guy only wants to have an affair with you and nothing more. Do not delude yourself with the silly notion that he will change his mind. He won't. If you choose to take him up on his offer, keep that in mind.

 

Hope this helps!

Edited November 29, 2012 by spice4life

[LenaRea]

Hi Lena,

 

Maybe I didn't read other parts of the thread yet where this was answered, but re the bold, has he actually attempted to be romantically involved with you? The bold seems as though you've been propositioned explicitly, yet when I first read the thread it was that you think he likes you but not that he's explicitly tried anything.

 

If he's not in fact tried anything, you could be right about how he feels, but I'd also caution against putting the cart before the horse. I had a married graduate mentor once who I swore liked me (In fact, I still think he did lol). I was doing research and met with him at a cafe to talk to him about it and I felt like his interactions with me were more like getting to know someone you like rather than completely professional and he also shared personal details. We had monthly meetings in the research fellowships and in the meetings I felt like he was always looking at me. He emailed me once saying I could call him and gave me his cell phone and home phone number and added "just in case", which I thought was odd as nothing would ever be that urgent . Once, we had a conference and our group flew to another state and on our way back, while in line at the airport, he starts telling me how great my presentation was and that he was surprised it was my first time, which was fine, but he already said so directly after I presented, so it seemed like he was going out of his way. He then went on to make small talk, which I didn't see him do with anyone else. Another time, we were going to another conference and he sat beside me in the van and we were talking, he seemed to always go out of his way to compliment me or speak with me on trips or open up avenues for me to talk to him. I was not his personal mentee either, but he was assigned to the group, which made his extra attention that more suspicious, and he was one of many mentors, but the only one who seemed extra invested in me and not just my work. His whole vibe and demeanor with me just seemed different and I've obviously had men like me before, so my vibe was based on that knowledge.

 

Long story short...I liked him too. He was attractive and brilliant and funny but married. I knew this but still liked the attention and was planning all these scenarios of what if he did really like me and actually made it explicit one day. Well...he never did. I graduated and moved on. I don't think I imagined it...but since he didn't act on it explicitly, I could also be wrong and he could have just been friendly or took a shining to me that was not at all romantic. OR, since he is human, he may have liked me, but let reason govern him and realize I was his mentee and he was married so it doesn't matter. Saying all that to say that you should just live your life as if he doesn't like you...if he hasn't actually been explicit. IF and when he does make it blatant then you'll have more to work with. But for now, it may all be conjecture and may not even be anything to worry about as it may actually fizzle away when you're not his student.

Hi MissBee! I added that comment mostly to prevent others from pointing it out for me. I really should have said "if" he is a willing cheater. At this point I do not have any evidence that he is or not. Plain and simple, all that's going on right now is an attraction between two adults in an awkward student/teacher relationship. I really do hope that it all just fades away when the term ends, for everyone's sake. Despite how intensely I feel for him, I do not want to ruin anyone's life. Mostly my own and my daughter's. It's just challenging having to see him frequently. All that does is intensify my feelings. Once the term ends and he's not "in my face" hopefully it will just fade to nothing.

[MissBee]

Hi MissBee! I added that comment mostly to prevent others from pointing it out for me. I really should have said "if" he is a willing cheater. At this point I do not have any evidence that he is or not. Plain and simple, all that's going on right now is an attraction between two adults in an awkward student/teacher relationship. I really do hope that it all just fades away when the term ends, for everyone's sake. Despite how intensely I feel for him, I do not want to ruin anyone's life. Mostly my own and my daughter's. It's just challenging having to see him frequently. All that does is intensify my feelings. Once the term ends and he's not "in my face" hopefully it will just fade to nothing.

 

I understand.

 

And you have a lot more control than you think (which is what many have been pointing out). You just have to make conscious decisions. Example, only see him for class and that's it. No need for extra meetings or other situations.

 

At the end of the day, it's the little choices that we take that are preventative. But it is conscious. Most people just "go with the flow" and flow right over a precipice. I certainly get how that is easier though, to get caught up in the intensity, feelings, and feeling wanted and just do little things to erode boundaries...it's often a lot harder than saying no and meaning it.