I am the other woman (well sort of)

[countrylass]

There's not one single reason to meet with him

 

I know he lied a lot, that much is obvious, but I am not entirely sure he lied about wanting to tell everyone.

 

I think he may have been going to announce us being together and break up with her at the same time considering she was miles and miles away (well so he believed). Not that that would be ok.

 

If she didn't turn up that day I can't see any excuse he could have given for not telling his family the next day.

 

I am not defending him, he is a liar and has hurt me deeply but I do think that he really did want to be with me.

 

I know all that sounds foolish but as much as he has hurt me I still believe he has a good heart. I have known him forever and it is out of character. Look we are never again going to be together and I doubt we can even save the friendship but he must have had his reasons (no matter how ridiculous they were) and I would like to hear them.

[2sunny]

What happened today?

[countrylass]

I am back from meeting with him and I really have no idea of what I should believe or how I should feel.

 

I will give a run down as I remember it. If any of you can make sense of it please help.

 

First off we were going to meet in a place not far out of town. It is a pretty secluded place and had been a ‘hideaway’ for many of us since we were kids so there was very little chance of being seen. A mutual friend, the one who organized this meeting picked me up and drove me there. I asked him to stay close just in case things got ugly (they didn’t).

 

When I got there I could see that he had been crying and the first thing he said was he was so so sorry. I told him sorry doesn’t fix the mess he created and he acknowledged that. I asked him how is he going to fix it. He said that he will break up with her and we can be together and move away. WHAT ?!?!?! At this point I lost it a bit, not very proud of myself. I started thinking that I was right and he did really want to be with me. I never said that, I was just thinking it. What I said was don’t be so up yourself, we are through FOREVER. I want to know how you are going to fix destroying me, ME, ME not us.

 

He said, and he seemed genuine but obviously I can’t read him well so who knows, that I mean everything to him, he is going to come clean with everybody, tell the truth, fix the wrongs and try and win me back as a friend first and then as a lover. He said he has already started doing just that. I was angry now, emotional, shouting, crying, I wanted to stay strong but couldn’t do it. I told him I don’t believe a word he says, I hope he does tell the truth but whether he does or not we will NEVER be together.

 

He asked if I had any questions and of course I had only one, WHY?????

 

Now he claims he has always wanted me. When he came back to town he couldn’t resist. He was still with her but was just waiting for the right time to split up with her. I said that would have been BEFORE you started seeing me! Or at least tell me so I had a choice. As one lie led to another, things snowballed, he couldn’t control it…..

 

I had had enough, I was sick of listening to it. I went back to the car to leave. He followed crying, begging me to stay and talk more, give him a chance. I told him to F**K OFF and leave me alone.

 

On the trip home our friend said that he believes he is now finally telling the truth. We had a bit of an argument about it so we agreed to not talk about it.

 

So I get dropped off home, say goodbye and as I am coming to my front door my best friend is waiting on the porch for me. She started crying, I started crying, we hugged, she said she was sorry she judged me, I said I was sorry I kept secrets. I am so happy to have her back, I can deal with whatever life throws me now that I have her back.

 

We have been talking for the last hour or so and cleared the air a whole lot. Apparently the whole not trusting me with her boyfriend remark stemmed from him asking her for a threesome, when she asked him who with he chose me. lol. That’s just not going to happen. But that is probably another thread for another time.

 

The most important thing she said was that my ex (do I even call him that?) has spoken to her and confessed everything. She knows he has also spoken to at least a few other people as well. Maybe he is now going to be true to his word??? So confused, a liar that is now telling the truth?? Is that what is happening?

 

I have probably missed heaps, I am feeling pretty good right now but my mind is going around like crazy. Best friend back, yay! Ex telling the truth, clearing my name? Certainly not what I expected but such a relief.

 

Is this too good to be true? What am I missing here?

[Pierre]

I am back from meeting with him and I really have no idea of what I should believe or how I should feel.

 

 

This man is a narcissist and he will manipulate you.

 

 

When I got there I could see that he had been crying

 

Cheating narcissist men cry on Q. Women that are in need of external validation see the crying as a positive sign of love. "he cried, he must really love me." Don't buy it; many cheating men are good at crying to get what they want.

 

If he says he wants to be with you it means his GF dumped him.

 

 

Claims he has always wanted me. When he came back to town he couldn’t resist. He was still with her but was just waiting for the right time to split up with her. I said that would have been BEFORE you started seeing me! Or at least tell me so I had a choice. As one lie led to another, things snowballed, he couldn’t control it…..

 

:laugh::laugh:Classical lingo of cheaters. Works well with unsuspecting women looking for validation.

 

I had had enough, I was sick of listening to it. I went back to the car to leave. He followed crying, begging me to stay and talk more, give him a chance. I told him to F**K OFF and leave me alone.

 

:laugh: The cheating men also know how to beg. Let me tell you something: Real men don't beg. What a POS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited November 28, 2012 by Pierre

[countrylass]

Well I have just got back home from one of the best days of my life. Well, ok, that is overstating it a bit but it was a very good day for me. I was so happy I went for a run and it ended up I was gone for 3 hours. OK, that might seem weird to some people but running makes me happy and I run when I'm happy.

 

He has come clean with everyone! Really! He amazes me sometimes.

 

I have spent the day with what feels like the whole world fawning over me and apologising. He still has illusions of being with me according to what he is telling friends. Will he never learn.

 

He has definitely broken up with his girlfriend, I have verified that. She didn't break up with him as some suggested. I have spoken to his parents and apologised for my part in this drama. They said they are disappointed that he split with her but they just want him to be happy and I make him happy. I don't think they know we are not together either but I didn't say anything.

 

I HAVE MY LIFE BACK !!! The only piece missing is him but he well and truly stuffed that up. I'm not sure whether it comes across on my posts but I really do still care for him, it is hard not to, we have grown up together. I want him to be happy, I would have liked him to be happy with me but I could never trust him after the last year.

 

So now is time to move on. I don't know if this is a good idea but I want to meet with him again and I am going to ask him to leave. If he really does care for and love me then leave. I really don't think I can handle seeing him every day, him being at every party, every get together etc. Who knows what the future will bring, maybe if it's meant to be then it's meant to be and we may someday rekindle but at this stage that is the last thing on my mind.

 

Surprisingly everyone seems split 50/50 over my relationship with him (my friends, not on here). I really can't believe so many are saying I should give him a chance. Are there no consequences for cheating and lying anymore?

 

I would really like to thank all the posters who took the time to listen and respond. I was pretty low at one point and had some nasty thoughts and hearing support really helped. And as I can testify to, things can turn around really quick..... I might go for another run.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh jeez, I often say that "it's a deeply personal decision whether to stay or leave or whatever."

 

Not not: :sick::sick:STAY AWAY FROM HIM, HE IS ****ING TOXIC.:sick:

 

Congrats on getting your life back.

 

What about the charges?

[countrylass]

What about the charges?

 

Well if he true to his recent form he should tell the truth in court that I was attacked from behind and defended myself.

 

If he is true to his form from the past year and makes up some BS story then I will cop whatever is coming to me and deal with it.

 

Given his recent change of heart I believe he will support me.

 

My lawyer still believes the charges will be dropped before court.

[countrylass]

Just an update for anyone interested.

 

I met with him again and told him that after what he has done I don't want to be around him and so either he or I would have to leave. He said it was all his fault and so he would go. He left today and now I am really sad and I don't know why. I think I still love this guy despite what he did to me. Don't get me wrong, my mind overrules my heart and we will never be together but still the feelings are there.

 

Things with the rest of the community seem to have gone back to perfectly normal which is a bit unsettling really. It's like nothing ever happened and we will just bury our heads in the sand and never speak of it again. On one hand that is good but on the other hand a bit of acknowledgement of what happened wouldn't be altogether bad.

 

The charges have been dropped with the reason 'insufficient evidence'. Apparently neither he nor her would give evidence so it will go no further.

 

His girlfriend, that turned out to actually be his fiancee, is recovering. I met with her and apologised before she went back to the city. She accepted the apology so I will take that at face value.

 

I know this is probably too quick but I also have a new romantic interest in my life. It is only very very casual at this stage and he is well aware of that. He was there through all of this and his support never wavered.

 

I would like to thank this forum and its posters again. At one stage I was really down and contemplating things I shouldn't have been. Having a ear to listen and a voice to offer opinion is invaluable, even if it is anonymous on the internet. I am in a better place now so thank you!

 

If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask (or just offer any advice or opinion). I feel I owe this site, so I will stick around and maybe one day I might be able to return the favour.

[alexandria35]

I have a question. When you say he left do you mean he packed up and left town? You told him to move just a few days ago and now he's gone already? How on earth does one do that so quickly? Wouldn't he need a job or a place to live? Where did he go? Do you think he went to beg for his gf back?

 

Okay so that was actually a few questions. LOL

[Pierre]

I know this is probably too quick but I also have a new romantic interest in my life. It is only very very casual at this stage and he is well aware of that. He was there through all of this and his support never wavered.

 

 

You should not be dating anyone at this stage. I would hate to be the guy dating you. The reason is obvious!

[countrylass]

I have a question. When you say he left do you mean he packed up and left town? You told him to move just a few days ago and now he's gone already? How on earth does one do that so quickly? Wouldn't he need a job or a place to live? Where did he go? Do you think he went to beg for his gf back?

 

Okay so that was actually a few questions. LOL

 

Yeah, he left town and moved back to the city with his brother. He was basically being ostracised by the community so it was inevitable that he would have to move. I assumed he would move a few towns away and stay in the area for his job but apparently he organised to work from head office in the city.

 

He has had no contact with his ex. Her and I have started texting a fair bit. It started with her quizzing me over our relationship but it has developed into a bit of a friendship. When her jaw is better we have planned that I am going to visit her in the city and I will take her out for a meal and to say sorry again. Unexpectedly she is actually a very nice person.

[countrylass]

A little bit of an update of sorts.

 

I met with his ex and we had lunch together, we have actually become quite good friends. He has really stuffed her around, he has cheated on her multiple times. She got pregnant and he talked her into an abortion. Apparently he's also into drugs which I never saw. He talked her into going to sex clubs and they shared partners. She was even stripping for a while which was instigated by him. There is much more but I think you get the idea with just that.

 

This is not the man I grew up with. I met with him (I know, I know) to see how he was coping and he is not doing well at all. I have this real urge that I want to help him now. I know what he did to me, and I know I forced him away, but I think he may need a friend and I think I can be that friend. I know it doesn't make sense that I would want to help but I can look deep inside him and that nice man I know is in there trying to get out.

 

Am I just being stupid in wanting to help? Let me be clear, he is not asking for help but I know him, I know it hurts him to do what he did to other people. I don't think he has changed forever and I believe I can get the old him back.

 

I have no intention of a relationship with him again, I have moved well past that, but we are old friends and I think he needs help and everyone else has abandoned him.

 

Does he deserve this chance? Should I commit myself to helping him? I have discussed this with many people and I have not got many positive responses. Maybe my empathy levels are higher than others? Anyway, this forum opened my eyes before and helped me a lot, let's see if you can do it again.

 

Merry Christmas if I don't get back on here before then and thanks once again for all the wonderful advice.

[countrylass]

It's always dangerous to take on the role of "I'll save him or I can fix him".

 

I don't really look at it as I will fix him, but more support him and try to get him to see a counselor or something like that. They will do the 'fixing' but I will just be there outside of that if he needs a friendly voice or a shoulder.

 

Is that still inappropriate?

[countrylass]

It's been about three weeks since I last updated and against all advice I decided to help him out.

 

Without going into details he has been going to counseling and he is very much a changed person, well maybe a changing person is more accurate.

 

I am glad I did this and I am glad I have got/getting my friend back. For those that thought we would end up back together that has not and will not happen, but we will remain lifelong friends.

 

Out of all this I have made a wonderful friend and confidant in his ex. Our friendship has developed remarkably quickly considering the way we started. She has also forgiven him and has been very proactive in helping him sort through his mess.

 

My business is booming , a little publicity/scandal never hurt anyone hey?

 

My love life is looking positive, I have a couple of people interested but right now I am just here for me and to help my friend. One is the guy I mentioned in an earlier post, he is a very nice guy but men right now just aren't doing it for me which leads me on to my next interest, a woman. We train together and we have a lot in common, it's something I really want to pursue but don't know whether it is just some infatuation or actual romantic feelings.

[dreamingoftigers]

You seem a little all over the place.

 

Take care and take things slow