Trouble in Marriage Trying to save it

[inafiasco]

Sorry for the huge amount of info and i hope that it is evident how much this means to me...

 

My wife and i have been together for some time. We were college sweethearts and have been together for over 8 years. we have been married to each other for the last 4.5.

 

We seem to routinely get into a rut where each of us is easily aggrevated and annoyed by the simple things between each other and they eventually turn into full scale arguments and catastrophes with each other always thinking "here we go again" "same **** different day". i am a firm believer that we have a very poor way of handling these type of situations with each other. A few years ago we had a similar issue, she went on a trip and wound up making out with another man on the trip. upon returning home it took sometime but she eventually broke down and asked me to attend marriage counseling, where she broke the news in the second session to me after having a one on one session with the therapist between our group session. We were able to reconcile and work things out with each other, but never attended another session for some unknown reason.

 

Recently she feels that she has come to the realization that she has gone numb to me. after one of our major fights that we had she broke down and told me that she cant understand how i can be happy with life we live. We live pretty well off, she is a dentist with aspirations of being a dentist and i work from home for a banking company, supporting software. I am well respected earn a decent income and enjoy my job most of the time. it can lack some excitement and can be repetitive but I don't hate it and it pays the bills . I work from home, because her job moved us from one state to another and my job obliged based on my work ethic and volume speaks for itself. One of her major points is that i do not have very many friends where we live and the ones i do have i met through her. I also am not the most conversation person in the world and often small talk out to bars with new folks en rather abruptly can often seem odd. Even the conversations between the two of us are often brief and lack a lot of depth. I am a very attentive individual and can listen to her talk about her job which she loves and i can see the joy it brings her, and i am always able to offer a response to her in regards. but she has stated that our conversations seem awkward and force. we both feel as tho we are both disappointing each other so often as it seems we cannot make each other happy. I also do a very terrible job of acknowledging how good she looks and giving her verbal communication in regards. BUT i do show her lots of physical affection. I am sure to touch her and make some "inappropriate comments" like damn girl, whats yo name goofing with her to give her a sort of acknowledgment that she is beautiful. She also says that she has had thoughts and urges of at least kissing others, a female friend we had in colloege. I dont know to what extent these urges go, if it is just kissing someone or does it include having sex).

We have historically had a very active sex life it is very pleasureable for both of us...without a doubt there is plenty of leg shaking , back arching and cuming to attest. She used to be pretty sensual and passionate but that doesnt appear to the case as much anymore, as there has been a lack of intimacy involved in the sex we did have.

 

She also fears she may be bipolar as she has ha some thoughts and a lot of people in her family are...

My upbringing was not much better that hers and she is the only person i am close with.

 

Lately she has stated she thinks she needs space and has been looking into extended stay hotel options to spend some time into. She went away for two days as well and said she felt no different being away. A few days ago she told me that she was sexually abused as a child did not say exactly what, that she did not want to talk about it. However that she went to a doctor when she was sixteen and they confirmed that she was a virgin. She had one other sexual partner beside me. a boyfriend in high school that seemed like more of an outlet from home (which she said was a terrible time being there under her sisters roof).

 

We have talked at ends to each other and expressed the way we feel She says she still loves and does not want a divorce because she doesnt want to regret losing me. that i am the love of her life, routinely tells me that i have always been her soul mate but she cant stand not being happy and doesnt like seeing me being so unhappy because it hurts even more to go through it and see me hurting and crying. She has admitted to pulling away emotionally and physically. She is numb to me and doesnt want to show me much affection. She did have sex with me right before she left a few days ago because she thought it would make me happy. I told her i did not want to if she was going to get up and leave shortly after...i did end up obliging though .

 

So this is where i am i have poured my heart out to her this last few days and she said that i have told and showed more this last few days than i have ever combined (love her, never imagined a life without her, always wanting to start a family when we were settled in life). But she feels like we are doomed to repeat ourselves and that what would happen if her feelings of passion do not return. She has vowed that she has always been honest with me that there is no one else and that perhaps she is meant to be alone. We are each others best friends and without a doubt deeply care for each other. We have carried each other through tough times, not just between ourselves and want to have and share the world with each other, but this seems to be up in the air now...and i am on here hoping for a miracle and some advice.

 

Sorry for the huge amount of info and i hope that it is evident how much this means to me...

[inafiasco]

i assure you i am not trolling...just an honest caring man that is afraid to lose his wife.

Stumbled across this website looking for ways to cope and am hoping for the community to give me some insight.

Thank you

Edited November 25, 2012 by inafiasco
added a bit more of info and sp error :)

[karnak]

She's very probably involved or thinking about getting involved with another man.

 

Investigate. Be subtle.

 

IF she's lying to you, that means she's really not the woman you think she is. If so, do you want to stay married to a fraud?

 

Read the other stories here. Wait for oppinion from other people. You'll see way too many stories similar to yours.

 

I also suggest you post in the "Separation & Divorce" section.

[karnak]

A few years ago we had a similar issue, she went on a trip and wound up making out with another man on the trip. upon returning home it took sometime but she eventually broke down and asked me to attend marriage counseling, where she broke the news in the second session to me after having a one on one session with the therapist between our group session. We were able to reconcile and work things out with each other, but never attended another session for some unknown reason.

 

 

Very huge RED ALERT here, concerning her character.

[ork16]

i think the comment that stood out the most was that she has bi polar in her family. its a cry for help her mentioning that is her testing the water waiting for your reaction. did you shrug it off? or take her seriously?. i went through this. i was so depressed i was suicidal but i couldnt tell my partner, what if he thought i was lying or trying to manipulate him. she may seem happy in her work but sometimes its easier to put on a smile and pretend nothings wrong. sit her down, tell her that you've notice a few things, maybe shes a bit unresponsive, sleeps too much or too little, diminished sexual appreciation etc and that you love her and want to help if there is something wrong. ultimately tell her that this is a yes or no question, look her in the eyes and ask "do you need my help?" who knows you might even save her life.

[Mr. Lucky]

She's very probably involved or thinking about getting involved with another man.

First thing I thought also. Inafiasco, every one of the symptoms you describe - the subtle distancing, the abscenses, the "I love you but", the flirting with another - are all classic signs of a wandering spouse. And, if Karnak is right and she's ready to jump, then it's also true that most people don't do so without a place to land.

 

Unfortunately my friend, you are about to learn a whole new vocabulary. Trickle Truthing - "I only kissed him" Gaslighting - "I can't understand how you can be happy with the life we live". Were it me, I'd be looking at easily accessible things like phone, text and email records. In your situation, knowledge is definitely power. Hang in there and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetheButterfly]

Sorry for the huge amount of info and i hope that it is evident how much this means to me...

 

My wife and i have been together for some time. We were college sweethearts and have been together for over 8 years. we have been married to each other for the last 4.5.

 

I think it's so romantic when college sweethearts marry. My parents were college sweethearts, same as one of my sisters with her husband.

We seem to routinely get into a rut where each of us is easily aggrevated and annoyed by the simple things between each other and they eventually turn into full scale arguments and catastrophes with each other always thinking "here we go again" "same **** different day". i am a firm believer that we have a very poor way of handling these type of situations with each other.

 

Do y'all have fun with each other? When a potential fight looms over your heads, do you or her decide to break the tension with humor or a sweet kiss or how do you cut out the negativity in the air??? You both need to figure out how to have fun together and how to disagree about things without creating negative energy around you.

 

A few years ago we had a similar issue, she went on a trip and wound up making out with another man on the trip. upon returning home it took sometime but she eventually broke down and asked me to attend marriage counseling, where she broke the news in the second session to me after having a one on one session with the therapist between our group session. We were able to reconcile and work things out with each other, but never attended another session for some unknown reason.

 

Man I'm sorry about that. I am glad that y'all were able to reconcile though. If my husband did what she did, I don't think I would have wanted to reconcile, but I admire you for trying.

 

Recently she feels that she has come to the realization that she has gone numb to me. after one of our major fights that we had she broke down and told me that she cant understand how i can be happy with life we live. We live pretty well off, she is a dentist with aspirations of being a dentist and i work from home for a banking company, supporting software. I am well respected earn a decent income and enjoy my job most of the time. it can lack some excitement and can be repetitive but I don't hate it and it pays the bills . I work from home, because her job moved us from one state to another and my job obliged based on my work ethic and volume speaks for itself. One of her major points is that i do not have very many friends where we live and the ones i do have i met through her. I also am not the most conversation person in the world and often small talk out to bars with new folks en rather abruptly can often seem odd. Even the conversations between the two of us are often brief and lack a lot of depth. I am a very attentive individual and can listen to her talk about her job which she loves and i can see the joy it brings her, and i am always able to offer a response to her in regards. but she has stated that our conversations seem awkward and force.

 

OK, y'all obviously have not truly reconciled. Why is she criticizing you? When y'all were college sweethearts, did she criticize you for what she is criticizing you for now? When did the conversations begin to seem "awkward and forced"?

 

we both feel as tho we are both disappointing each other so often as it seems we cannot make each other happy. I also do a very terrible job of acknowledging how good she looks and giving her verbal communication in regards.

 

My husband told me once, "I don't need to tell you you're beautiful. I wouldn't have married you if you weren't beautiful." LOL. I told him that's not acceptable because I NEED to have confirmation of he considers me beautiful EVERYDAY. He is doing much better in letting me know everyday that I am preciosa (precious) and bella (beautiful) and I really appreciate that. I don't think guys know how earnestly so many women want to be appreciated and admired and desired and thought of as gorgeous by their mates!!!

 

BUT i do show her lots of physical affection. I am sure to touch her and make some "inappropriate comments" like damn girl, whats yo name goofing with her to give her a sort of acknowledgment that she is beautiful. She also says that she has had thoughts and urges of at least kissing others, a female friend we had in colloege. I dont know to what extent these urges go, if it is just kissing someone or does it include having sex).

We have historically had a very active sex life it is very pleasureable for both of us...without a doubt there is plenty of leg shaking , back arching and cuming to attest. She used to be pretty sensual and passionate but that doesnt appear to the case as much anymore, as there has been a lack of intimacy involved in the sex we did have.

 

She also fears she may be bipolar as she has ha some thoughts and a lot of people in her family are...

My upbringing was not much better that hers and she is the only person i am close with.

 

Bipolar is a whole nother ball game. My Dad and one sister are bipolar. Does she have intense mood swings? Normally though, people with bipolar go through times like first they are incredibly in love and next moment they are yelling at the person they love like they hate the person. My Mom and my brother-in-law have both experienced this. However, thank God for medicine! My Dad and sister are both on medication and that has helped them not experience such severe mood swings. It has also greatly helped their relationships with their loved ones.

 

If she thinks she is bipolar, she should get tested.

 

Lately she has stated she thinks she needs space and has been looking into extended stay hotel options to spend some time into. She went away for two days as well and said she felt no different being away. A few days ago she told me that she was sexually abused as a child did not say exactly what, that she did not want to talk about it. However that she went to a doctor when she was sixteen and they confirmed that she was a virgin. She had one other sexual partner beside me. a boyfriend in high school that seemed like more of an outlet from home (which she said was a terrible time being there under her sisters roof).

 

She sounds like she had a very difficult and not good childhood. It is horrible when people abuse little kids. Because of this, she needs a lot of care and love and help. She sounds like she doesn't know who she is, what happened to her when she was young and vulnerable, and how to relate to men. That's one of the things that sexual abuse does to girls... it messes up their lives and how they see themselves and those around them. She needs a lot of help.

 

We have talked at ends to each other and expressed the way we feel She says she still loves and does not want a divorce because she doesnt want to regret losing me. that i am the love of her life, routinely tells me that i have always been her soul mate but she cant stand not being happy and doesnt like seeing me being so unhappy because it hurts even more to go through it and see me hurting and crying. She has admitted to pulling away emotionally and physically. She is numb to me and doesnt want to show me much affection. She did have sex with me right before she left a few days ago because she thought it would make me happy. I told her i did not want to if she was going to get up and leave shortly after...i did end up obliging though .

 

She is messed up. A whole and healthy woman does not act how she does. She is hurt. She needs to heal. Sadly, she might be looking for another relationship in order to try to heal by being with some other guy.

 

So this is where i am i have poured my heart out to her this last few days and she said that i have told and showed more this last few days than i have ever combined (love her, never imagined a life without her, always wanting to start a family when we were settled in life). But she feels like we are doomed to repeat ourselves and that what would happen if her feelings of passion do not return. She has vowed that she has always been honest with me that there is no one else and that perhaps she is meant to be alone. We are each others best friends and without a doubt deeply care for each other. We have carried each other through tough times, not just between ourselves and want to have and share the world with each other, but this seems to be up in the air now...and i am on here hoping for a miracle and some advice.

 

Sorry for the huge amount of info and i hope that it is evident how much this means to me...

 

I would advise to continue to go to counseling together. Personally, I don't understand how y'all are each others best friends and yet she thinks your conversations are awkward and forced. I think she's just confused and hurt, personally. To me, it sounds like you love her very much and want very much to have a happy and healthy relationship with her. I very much hope she heals and that y'all heal and have a fun marriage. Life is short, and marriages are not supposed to be torturous. They are merely commitments to spend life with the person you love and grow old with that person, enjoying the precious moments. Again, life is short. Please let her know that and please help her see the beauty in life. She sounds like she has been hurt so much, and sad to say, hurt people hurt people. Again, get counseling so y'all can learn to enjoy life together. If however, she wants to leave, let her go. I hope she decides to get help though and realizes how much you love her.

[inafiasco]

Thank you all for your posts so far. Be the butterfly especially for the very involved and in depth read.

 

Where I am at now:

I am a pretty smart and techy person and I crossed a trust boundary but was at the point I didn't give a Damn. I was able to pull a backup of her iPhone off of a pc and parse through the backup files and find some text messages that are a bit alarming. Nothing totally condemning unfortunately do far or anything that i have been able to point to one individual. i have a name to one person who ahe was texting that i do not know...i think. but dont know if it is the person saif texts were from or to. still working through the god awful process. I confronted her directly at our first counseling session but the conversation was steered away when there was no resolve. When we got home she was able to admit that she texted playing around with someone but there is nothing physicall or emotional there. She refused to provide me a name or any additional info yet. Because she doesn't want to get that person in trouble.

I have since gone and ran some errands and will see what occurs. I refuse to have hr safe guard someone else over our marriage. That is unacceptable to me. The texts may have started as something/nothing and evolved into the opposite but she knows she was wrong and admitted it shouldn't have been done but that is not enough for me ...so I will do some more for my sanctity and ultimately she what she is prepared to do.

[inafiasco]

To answer some of the Q's:

 

We do have fun. We are able to laugh and enjoy each others company. There however is no conflict resolution or break in a fight when it occurs and can often spill over into the next day...for either of us. Clearly which is not healthy...I am wise enough to know this but during I couldn't care less to go right back at her...

I do believe she is bipolar. No other explanation I can find how she turns so aggressively at me if all the things she says are true...

What I am being criticized for now was never a huge issues during our "in love top of the world phase" ...not since more recently has she become a little more vocal to me about that. Yes she mentioned tell her she was beautiful, but that was always hard for me and it seemed abnormal to do. Like I wated to but I felt as though someone was covering my mouth as I said the words in my head. I got today that I used to be a free spirit and care free. Uh hello I have a job and other stuff to do. She was last truly happy when we were on vaca....where I had nothing to worry about, I guess is what she is saying...wtf???

 

We both had very difficult upbringing but always stated to each other that I want to be you rock and be there for you. Typically been the case...but now I struggle to understand everything here...

[Mr. Lucky]

When we got home she was able to admit that she texted playing around with someone but there is nothing physicall or emotional there.

As I said, trickle truth. Keep digging, I guarantee there's more to find...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

Fiasco..at the minimum, she is checking out of the marriage. She is also lining up her escape route, which with most women, involves another man. How to fix it...I don't know, but beware.

[GorillaTheater]

When we got home she was able to admit that she texted playing around with someone but there is nothing physicall or emotional there. She refused to provide me a name or any additional info yet. Because she doesn't want to get that person in trouble.

 

So long as she's more interested in protecting the other guy than in protecting your marriage, you've got next to nothing to work with. You say you're trying to save your marriage, but you stand a 0% chance of success unless she's likewise on board. And she simply isn't.

 

Detach and let go of the outcome. See a lawyer and investigate your options. And though I'm not telling you to Kick Her to the Curb (at least, not at this point), divorce HAS to be one of those options. If it's not, you've essentially handed over your power to her and she'll keep stringing you along as long as it suits her.

[carhill]

Since she's made mention of 'moving out', I'd suggest the 180 predicated upon that.

 

'Since you apparently wish to move out, I feel we should file for a legal separation so there is no ambiguity about when and where this action occurred. I also feel we need to set boundaries regarding this separation and I want to discuss those boundaries right now, so I can proceed with the legal portion tomorrow.'

 

Listen.

[seibert253]

You've solved the mystery. Her interest lies elsewhere, hense her "confusion" about her feelings toward you.

 

She's sweating her texting "friend" and wants to test the waters. But, with her H around,her chances of getting caught are too great. Hence the "space" and weekend hotel stays.

 

IMO do not consent to anything. Let her know if she wants space, she can have it perminantly when you D her.