My LDR Ending; are new men "cheap" or am I viewed as "scammer"?

[Seraffa]

I've had a 3 yr LDR with someone that is coming to a close now because he just won't take his chronic health matters into his own hands and DO something; he also has to house-sit for other people from time to time for his part time "employment" and refuses to create a forwarding address or telephone number with which to contact him in case of emergency, or to send birthday cards or Christmas presents.....which I find absolutely crushing, and signals that his cognitive abilities are now being affected too.

 

I've also had a 5 yr LDR with my kids before their father permanently brainwashed them, so, it's not as if I don't "know the ropes" of what is involved.

 

I'm going to be starting over again looking for that special someone; I do want them to be a European and I utilize our local Craigslist as well as a couple of dating sites from time to time. My recent relationship has been with a British man originally born in Nigeria to missionary parents; I connect well with men who have multifaceted backgrounds.

 

Getting the initial attention of these men is FAR HARDER than it used to be say, 5 years ago..............many men start off with the presumption that I could be just another scammer, or, perhaps many men are playing chicken because they don't WANT to know their true love waits for them in New York City, Philadelphia, Miami, Houston, etc......thousands of miles away from them. I would take the trip over there, gladly, but I always remember that 1.) I am a lady -- gentlemen usually do the traveling first and 2.) I really don't have the vacation money to plunk down to contemplate visiting a romantic interest. But it doesn't mean I give up hope. I'm just bewildered, tired and hurt.

 

Your thoughts, please, on how foreign men are viewing LDR's as of today?

Thank you very much.

Edited November 25, 2012 by Seraffa

[Mme. Chaucer]

You're looking for an international serious relationship on your local Craigslist?

 

I don't think so …

[LittleTiger]

I have been in a committed LDR for three years and, even though it's an exceptionally good one, I am dumbfounded that anyone would deliberately be looking for that kind of relationship.

 

Most people on dating sites (I don't know anything about Craigslist) are looking for someone who lives close to them, so they can have regular dates and physical contact ie a normal relationship. An LDR is something you get into 'by accident', not something you go looking for on purpose!

 

Also - if you are deliberately trying to catch the attention of someone overseas, you really have to be prepared to travel overseas to meet them. I agree that, in most situations, the man should do the travelling for the first meeting, but if you are expecting him to cover everything financially that's a little selfish.

 

If you "really don't have the vacation money to plunk down to contemplate visiting a romantic interest", why is it that you expect your prospective romantic interests to "have the vacation money to plunk down to contemplate visiting (you)"?

 

I am confused by your logic.

 

If these men are not interested, it is probably because they don't want the hassle or the expense of an LDR. Very sensible in my opinion. I wouldn't get involved in another LDR if you paid me!!!

[Seraffa]

quoted from the "Civility and Respect" FAQS of Loveshack.org:

 

We expect that all participants will respond to posts in their specific context, not to the person who has posted. While opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread.

 

After reading this let me state:

 

I do not like your opinion of my post because you did not read into it very well. I have had dates that gladly came over on their vacation to see me for the first time. I've even dated a millionare farm - owner from Ireland that way What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another person, you see. But that's alright. I'm not continuing to post in this thread any longer.

[Arabella]

So essentially, you didn't like the responses you got, so you left in a huff...

 

What, exactly, were you expecting?

[LittleTiger]

quoted from the "Civility and Respect" FAQS of Loveshack.org:

 

We expect that all participants will respond to posts in their specific context, not to the person who has posted. While opinions may be formed of various members based on what they have posted in the past, any response to any particular submission should be grounded in what has been posted in that thread.

 

After reading this let me state:

 

I do not like your opinion of my post because you did not read into it very well. I have had dates that gladly came over on their vacation to see me for the first time. I've even dated a millionare farm - owner from Ireland that way What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another person, you see. But that's alright. I'm not continuing to post in this thread any longer.

 

I thought my post was very respectful and very much on topic!

 

Since my own fiancé travelled 12,000 miles to meet me for the first time (and covered his own expenses - although he is far from being a millionaire) I am well aware that there are men who are willing and able to do this - if they consider the woman worth it.

 

However, that doesn't make any man who won't, or can't, do this 'cheap'.

 

You are wondering why men online think you are a scammer, and my post explains why. To most people, what you are doing ie deliberately seeking an LDR where you expect the man to have the time and money to travel overseas (because you don't) is just incomprehensible - and your second post confirms that is exactly what you are doing! So I think I read and understood your OP perfectly and responded accordingly.

 

You are, of course, free to run your personal life as you choose but, if you ask for opinions about it on a public forum, that's what you'll get - other people's opinions on your personal life!

[Carenth]

As a guy who just made this leap recently and made the first big step of following my heart around to the other side of the globe. I will tell you this, I did not seek out a LDR, neither did my other half it just happened, slowly but gradually it grew, we started off as pen pals neither of us thought it would ever be anything more than that.

 

Normally I wouldn't even consider this kind of relationship as I like been in the physical presence of my partner. I wouldn't call guys (or girls for that matter) chicken or cheap for not being interested in LDR.

 

They have there own set of challenges to overcome and for many people that is just a deal breaker. The idea of having to uproot one day to live in a city/country to be with the one you love is a very scary one for a lot of people and you know why? Because it is. Does that make them chicken? I think not, just that sort of arrangement wouldn't work for them.

 

Whilst I was more than happy to go an visit my girlfriend (best trip of my life) it was by no means cheap and I had to use a large portion of my vacation time from work to do it (not complaining I was happy to do this just showing it isn't easy for most people to up and visit whenever they want).

 

If you can't afford or expect your partner to carry the cost of all the travel expenses then honestly you should not be looking for a LDR as your partner more than likely will end up resenting you if they have to put down money for travel all the time (don't forget the time it takes to actually travel long distances).

 

My girlfriend will be coming to visit me early next year (dates not finalized yet) even though I'm happy to travel to her again, she insisted it was only fair she is the one to travel on the next trip.

 

This has turned into kind of a rant I just found it rather hypocritical to call a potential partner "cheap" for not been able to or wanting to cover all financial expenses that are associated with a LDR when you yourself state you would not be willing to do that (hint in this day and age it's pretty commonly accepted that men are no longer sole bread winners anymore).

 

That is my opinion, I think you are seeking LDR for all the wrong reasons and am not surprised men view you as a scammer.

Edited November 27, 2012 by Carenth

[salparadise]

I do not like your opinion of my post [...] I'm not continuing to post in this thread any longer.

 

Wow! What a catch this hottie is. I learn something every day––never realized Nigeria was part of Texas.

[justwhoiam]

I do want them to be a European and I utilize our local Craigslist as well as a couple of dating sites from time to time.

We don't use CL in Europe. That's just an American thing. Also, CL reputation is not about LTR, rather one-night stands.

 

Finally, they way you word your sentences "I want them to be this and that", the way you brag about what you were able to get your hands on "a millionaire" really makes you look like a scammer. So yes, men would tend to steer clear. Just my 2 cents.