Threatened Restraining Order by EX

[Samms22]

I want to preface this post by saying that I am not at all 100% innocent or guilty but through my eyes it seems like my ex and her mom are psychotic, or at least my ex is. My story begins this way:

 

My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. We had some fights the first week of November, one of them was entirely my fault, but I got her flowers and apologized and she would keep sending me reassuring texts to tell me everything was okay and that she loved me. I would find out later that in conjunction with these texts she would send another guy very sexual and stimulating messages telling him things like "You're going to be the best ****" ever" etc. We were growing distant that week and I could feel it.

 

Finally one night I was working for 5-6 hours and my girlfriend hadn't called or text which was weird. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went to our apartment and she wasn't there, and long story short I would find out that she had planned on spending the night at the guys house that she was cheating on me with, but I didn't know it at the time.

 

Fast forward to the day of the break up. We agreed to take a "break" but I couldn't do it because I knew something was wrong. We met and had an hour and a half talk in which she admitted she kissed another guy, and I broke down because I knew she was a liar and lying (and would find out she lied about this and 1000 other things) so I knew she had slept with him too. After all of this, I still agreed to work things out because I cared about her and loved her and left on good terms, saying we would WORK IT OUT and stay together but that we both agreed a break would be good.

 

After the incident of getting together and working things out, I waited in my car 30 minutes to decompress, smoke, and listen to music, then had a sudden inspiration to go to her work and find the guy (he seduced her coming to her work all the time) and tell him to stay away from my girlfriend because we're working things out. I arrive there, and sitting in a corner next to him is my one time girlfriend.

 

Now, a lot of people would have done a lot of crazy things at this time. My girlfriend ran at me and we went into my vehicle and yelled at each other. It was over... I had caught her. She lied about 50 things there that I was able to get verified by the guy. Here's where the restraining order part comes into play... she agreed to meet me at my parents house at 1AM after she was done hanging with her "girlfriends" so we could talk things over calmly. She never showed and turned off her phone. I was worried about her so I went to her friends house, called her girlfriends and even went to her parents house and woke them up telling them what had happened (I thought I had a great relationship with them.) I brought my brother for moral support but left him in the car.

 

I finally managed to meet her at our apartment at 8AM that same day. My reality had crumbled. I had no sleep, no food, no desire to do anything but get back together with her despite all that she did, I was in a sorry state. I begged her at first, but she was cold and distant, the opposite of her entire personality. She began to cry and go into "I don't deserve to be with you I can never look you in the eyes again blah blah" mantra. It went on like this until I eventually left and we were broken up. She also wouldn't kiss me on the mouth because she had spent the night with the new guy and probably sucked his dick.

 

The next day her mom texted me and asked me if she could talk to me. I went over to her parents house and her mom said I was acting crazy by trying to find her, and said it was "Stalking." I told her about her promise to meet me at 1AM and that I was worried about her safety as it was uncharacteristic of her. She said that SHE was the one who volunteered the word "Stalking" not my girlfriend, and she lightly mentioned a restraining order. I was so flabbergasted I couldn't speak. I never threatened physical violence, EVER, and didn't even go to her work with that purpose when I confronted her boyfriend! She also mentioned my brother being there as further proof I wanted to find the guy and harm him. It didn't cross her mind that I had just suffered a mental collapse at the thought of my girlfriend cheating and leaving me and that I needed moral support.

 

Despite all of the above I didn't do NC, and I called her one night late and she talked to me and she actually invited me to come over to her apartment. I came after work and before hers at about 4:30AM and when I got there she wouldn't answer her phone. When I texted her asking her "wtf" she came to the door and opened it. She acted like I was crazy and didn't belong there at all. I told her that that she invited me over and she told me she didn't remember ever having the conversation despite a 10 minute call log in my phone. I showed her this and she admitted she might have invited me over but it as a mistake. She does have a history of calling me 5-6 times at 2am and when I call because I can, she doesn't remember the conversation. She asked me to leave and was very stand-offish and again not like herself. I was back to square one.

 

Here's where I ****ed up: She hopped in the shower and I wanted closure, big time. She was acting weird and I wanted to stop wanting her, so I looked through her phone. I found **** in there about me that was patently untrue, hurtful and disgusting from and to all of her friends, and I also found the texts from and to the new guy: such things as "I'm so glad we can text in the open now" and "oh my god you hit all of my spots so fast" and about 1000 other things that would make normally nice guys do really stupid things.

 

She came out of the shower and I had a triumphant look on my face. I finally saw through it. She was sleeping with this guy on the SAME DAY she was texting me sweet nothings and reassuring me everything was okay. I didn't yell, didn't hit, didn't threaten, but I softly told her how bad of a person she was, I emotionally "abused" her with the seething pain that was inside me at the texts. I told her I ****ed other girls, insulted her, etc. I also ripped up a love letter I sent her a week before she cheated and got back a 700$ dollar necklace I gave her for her birthday. Since then, I've been NC, about 2 weeks, and it's getting better, but...

 

She had an alternate personality in her texts. The girl I thought was so sweet was ****ing some douche bag of a guy, saying things like "I should take you to a motel so I can make you scream" and "i don't want you to think I'm too trashy" and "it took me two days to get over my him (me)"

 

Did I dodge a bullet by going to her work to confront her and seeing her true colors? Is it possible she was lying to the guy about getting over me or just changing personalities again to fit his? And about the restraining order: is her mother insane or does she have a point? Should I have not been looking for the love of my life after she agreed to meet me somewhere and usually kept her word?

Edited November 25, 2012 by Samms22

[lakerman34]

I want to preface this post by saying that I am not at all 100% innocent or guilty but through my eyes it seems like my ex and her mom are psychotic, or at least my ex is. My story begins this way:

 

My ex and I broke up about 3 weeks ago. We had some fights the first week of November, one of them was entirely my fault, but I got her flowers and apologized and she would keep sending me reassuring texts to tell me everything was okay and that she loved me. I would find out later that in conjunction with these texts she would send another guy very sexual and stimulating messages telling him things like "You're going to be the best ****" ever" etc. We were growing distant that week and I could feel it.

 

Finally one night I was working for 5-6 hours and my girlfriend hadn't called or text which was weird. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went to our apartment and she wasn't there, and long story short I would find out that she had planned on spending the night at the guys house that she was cheating on me with, but I didn't know it at the time.

 

Fast forward to the day of the break up. We agreed to take a "break" but I couldn't do it because I knew something was wrong. We met and had an hour and a half talk in which she admitted she kissed another guy, and I broke down because I knew she was a liar and lying (and would find out she lied about this and 1000 other things) so I knew she had slept with him too. After all of this, I still agreed to work things out because I cared about her and loved her and left on good terms, saying we would WORK IT OUT and stay together but that we both agreed a break would be good.

 

After the incident of getting together and working things out, I waited in my car 30 minutes to decompress, smoke, and listen to music, then had a sudden inspiration to go to her work and find the guy (he seduced her coming to her work all the time) and tell him to stay away from my girlfriend because we're working things out. I arrive there, and sitting in a corner next to him is my one time girlfriend.

 

Now, a lot of people would have done a lot of crazy things at this time. My girlfriend ran at me and we went into my vehicle and yelled at each other. It was over... I had caught her. She lied about 50 things there that I was able to get verified by the guy. Here's where the restraining order part comes into play... she agreed to meet me at my parents house at 1AM after she was done hanging with her "girlfriends" so we could talk things over calmly. She never showed and turned off her phone. I was worried about her so I went to her friends house, called her girlfriends and even went to her parents house and woke them up telling them what had happened (I thought I had a great relationship with them.) I brought my brother for moral support but left him in the car.

 

I finally managed to meet her at our apartment at 8AM that same day. My reality had crumbled. I had no sleep, no food, no desire to do anything but get back together with her despite all that she did, I was in a sorry state. I begged her at first, but she was cold and distant, the opposite of her entire personality. She began to cry and go into "I don't deserve to be with you I can never look you in the eyes again blah blah" mantra. It went on like this until I eventually left and we were broken up. She also wouldn't kiss me on the mouth because she had spent the night with the new guy and probably sucked his dick.

 

The next day her mom texted me and asked me if she could talk to me. I went over to her parents house and her mom said I was acting crazy by trying to find her, and said it was "Stalking." I told her about her promise to meet me at 1AM and that I was worried about her safety as it was uncharacteristic of her. She said that SHE was the one who volunteered the word "Stalking" not my girlfriend, and she lightly mentioned a restraining order. I was so flabbergasted I couldn't speak. I never threatened physical violence, EVER, and didn't even go to her work with that purpose when I confronted her boyfriend! She also mentioned my brother being there as further proof I wanted to find the guy and harm him. It didn't cross her mind that I had just suffered a mental collapse at the thought of my girlfriend cheating and leaving me and that I needed moral support.

 

Despite all of the above I didn't do NC, and I called her one night late and she talked to me and she actually invited me to come over to her apartment. I came after work and before hers at about 4:30AM and when I got there she wouldn't answer her phone. When I texted her asking her "wtf" she came to the door and opened it. She acted like I was crazy and didn't belong there at all. I told her that that she invited me over and she told me she didn't remember ever having the conversation despite a 10 minute call log in my phone. I showed her this and she admitted she might have invited me over but it as a mistake. She does have a history of calling me 5-6 times at 2am and when I call because I can, she doesn't remember the conversation. She asked me to leave and was very stand-offish and again not like herself. I was back to square one.

 

Here's where I ****ed up: She hopped in the shower and I wanted closure, big time. She was acting weird and I wanted to stop wanting her, so I looked through her phone. I found **** in there about me that was patently untrue, hurtful and disgusting from and to all of her friends, and I also found the texts from and to the new guy: such things as "I'm so glad we can text in the open now" and "oh my god you hit all of my spots so fast" and about 1000 other things that would make normally nice guys do really stupid things.

 

She came out of the shower and I had a triumphant look on my face. I finally saw through it. She was sleeping with this guy on the SAME DAY she was texting me sweet nothings and reassuring me everything was okay. I didn't yell, didn't hit, didn't threaten, but I softly told her how bad of a person she was, I emotionally "abused" her with the seething pain that was inside me at the texts. I told her I ****ed other girls, insulted her, etc. I also ripped up a love letter I sent her a week before she cheated and got back a 700$ dollar necklace I gave her for her birthday. Since then, I've been NC, about 2 weeks, and it's getting better, but...

 

She had an alternate personality in her texts. The girl I thought was so sweet was ****ing some douche bag of a guy, saying things like "I should take you to a motel so I can make you scream" and "i don't want you to think I'm too trashy" and "it took me two days to get over my him (me)"

 

Did I dodge a bullet by going to her work to confront her and seeing her true colors? Is it possible she was lying to the guy about getting over me or just changing personalities again to fit his? And about the restraining order: is her mother insane or does she have a point? Should I have not been looking for the love of my life after she agreed to meet me somewhere and usually kept her word?

 

Dude, we do act irrationally right after we lose someone. But yes, you are doing too, too much. My gf cheated on me as well and said she loved me at the same time. Hell, I don't even want to think about it, but I probably did kiss her the day after she went over to the guy (who she is dating now)'s house.

 

Just NC. Completely. Throw all memories away, deactivate FB and Twitter, and do WHATEVER YOU CAN to avoid her and her new boy. Seriously man, just forget about her. She sounds pretty trashy anyways.

[CC12]

And about the restraining order: is her mother insane or does she have a point?

 

I think she has a point. Your behavior that night was worrisome. I can see why she or her mother might have felt a bit threatened by it.

 

Should I have not been looking for the love of my life after she agreed to meet me somewhere and usually kept her word?

 

No, you should not have. She stood you up, and while that sucks, it did not warrant you showing up at her job, or at her friend's house uninvited, or calling her other friends and waking up her parents and creating a spectacle. If she were missing for a long, unusual amount of time, then start calling around. But I don't think you were necessarily worried about her safety when you contacted her friends and parents. It seems more like you just needed to get to her, no matter how much it might inconvenience people or make her life difficult. And that kind of disregard can be scary.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter who is right. What matters is that someone felt strongly enough to hint at or threaten a restraining order. That is a big, red, blinking, neon sign that says, "Stop." People close to her are getting concerned. That should mean something to you, whether you agree with those people or not. I think you need to leave her alone now.

 

Also, if she is a terrible as you're making her out to be, then why are you still clinging on to her so hard?

[Samms22]

I think she has a point. Your behavior that night was worrisome. I can see why she or her mother might have felt a bit threatened by it.

 

 

 

No, you should not have. She stood you up, and while that sucks, it did not warrant you showing up at her job, or at her friend's house uninvited, or calling her other friends and waking up her parents and creating a spectacle. If she were missing for a long, unusual amount of time, then start calling around. But I don't think you were necessarily worried about her safety when you contacted her friends and parents. It seems more like you just needed to get to her, no matter how much it might inconvenience people or make her life difficult. And that kind of disregard can be scary.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter who is right. What matters is that someone felt strongly enough to hint at or threaten a restraining order. That is a big, red, blinking, neon sign that says, "Stop." People close to her are getting concerned. That should mean something to you, whether you agree with those people or not. I think you need to leave her alone now.

 

Also, if she is a terrible as you're making her out to be, then why are you still clinging on to her so hard?

 

 

I think HER behavior of going to an unknown guys house was worrisome. Not mine. Showing that I care enough to show up at her parents house I think was the right decision. They over blew it. Am I saying I would do it again if I could redo the situation? No. Do I deserve a restraining order? Hell no. I do respect your opinion though.

 

I was worried about her. Very worried. I didn't go into her work after she stood me up, I didn't go into her friends house, I just passed by. I rang the door bell at her parents. She was acting very unlike herself, but that's what you get after finding out someone internalizes everything and explodes and then you find out they have a constant need for attention and sex for other men.

 

I'm not making her out to be anything. I've described her accurately as well as listed my flaws in the matter. If what I'm describing sounds bad to you, then it is bad. I'm not manipulating your senses with my artistic use of language here.

 

FYI I've had no contact for 2 weeks now. So I'm not clinging onto her hard, but I think about the good times and how unreal the situation was and how it came about so fast and my head still spins sometimes and I'm trying to make sense of it all so I can improve later.

[Balzac]

Abandon trying to make sense of crazy. It's over and you have no reason to have contact with any of them. Stay away, do not respond to them if they attempt to engage you. Move on with your grief and healing.

[CC12]

I think HER behavior of going to an unknown guys house was worrisome. Not mine. Showing that I care enough to show up at her parents house I think was the right decision.

 

How can you say that it was the right decision, but also that you wouldn't do it again if you could have a redo? I don't get that.

 

They over blew it.

 

What do you mean by this? Because the only thing you described happening was her mother having a talk with you and "lightly mentioning" a restraining order and using the word "stalking." Was that all that happened? If so, I don't think that was an overreaction. That's pretty much what I would do if I had a daughter whose ex was showing up at her job and causing scenes, having meltdowns when he couldn't find her, etc. Seems reasonable to have a sit down with you and tell you to back off. Yeah.

 

Honest question - what do you think her parents/mother should have done? Staying out of it wasn't an option, because you had already dragged them into it by waking them up in the middle of the night and involving them in your relationship by telling them what had happened. What should they have done?

 

 

Do I deserve a restraining order? Hell no. I do respect your opinion though.

 

I didn't say you deserve a restraining order. I said I can see why her or her mother might have felt uncomfortable enough to hint at getting one because your behavior that day/night seemed unhinged.

 

You kind of admit that you made some mistakes, but your posts are peppered with blaming everyone else for your behavior. For example, when I said your behavior seemed worrisome, you responded by saying, "I think HER behavior was worrisome. Not mine." What does she have to do with your actions that day? How you choose to behave is your own fault. No one else has control over that. Own it.

 

FYI I've had no contact for 2 weeks now. So I'm not clinging onto her hard, but I think about the good times and how unreal the situation was and how it came about so fast and my head still spins sometimes and I'm trying to make sense of it all so I can improve later.

 

That's great. Keep up with No Contact and try your best to move on from this hurtful dead-end relationship. It's good that you're trying to learn from it, but at some point (soon) you've got to let it go, stop questioning it, forget about her, and get on with your life.

Edited November 26, 2012 by CC12

[Samms22]

How can you say that it was the right decision, but also that you wouldn't do it again if you could have a redo? I don't get that.

 

It was the right decision for that point in my life and in my head. I was so ****ed up and worried about her that I had to do what I did. It only made sense at the time. Now, with hindsight and basically being over the whole thing, I would probably have spent the night at my best friends house or something and got my head on straight.

 

 

What do you mean by this? Because the only thing you described happening was her mother having a talk with you and "lightly mentioning" a restraining order and using the word "stalking." Was that all that happened? If so, I don't think that was an overreaction. That's pretty much what I would do if I had a daughter whose ex was showing up at her job and causing scenes, having meltdowns when he couldn't find her, etc. Seems reasonable to have a sit down with you and tell you to back off. Yeah.

 

Honest question - what do you think her parents/mother should have done? Staying out of it wasn't an option, because you had already dragged them into it by waking them up in the middle of the night and involving them in your relationship by telling them what had happened. What should they have done?

 

Here's what I mean by what I said: She had done this before. I had asked for breaks, had even left sometimes to go take a breather and she would have panic attacks and call my phone 5-10 times in a row to try and contact me when I didn't want it. I was HER at this particular time and she even called my best friend asking if I was okay, etc. She was extremely clingy and needy but I still stuck with her and tried to make it work. So, I thought I was only doing what a good boyfriend should. Calling it stalking when I've known their parents for 9 months and treated her daughter very well was hurtful and unjustified.

 

They should have told her daughter and I to come sit down and talk things over, but instead they're liberal permissive asses told her to not "choose" between the guy she was ****ing and me, her loyal boyfriend of 9 months. It's enough to make you want to scream at the universe. She never talked about our problems or issues at all and they all came out in other ways. Her mother sided with her and told me cheating wasn't even a big deal.

 

I didn't say you deserve a restraining order. I said I can see why her or her mother might have felt uncomfortable enough to hint at getting one because your behavior that day/night seemed unhinged.

 

Unhinged? Excuse me? My girlfriend of 9 months cries on my shoulder for 2 hours and says she wants to make it work despite everything and I agree, and I go to her work to see if the guy is there so I can have a friendly chat, and SHE IS THERE. My girlfriend who I gave everything to for 9 months, my heart and soul, is a dirty backstabbing betrayer and she stood me up to spend the night with the guy. How the hell would ANYONE feel? All I did was try to find her and warn her parents that she was missing that night.

 

You kind of admit that you made some mistakes, but your posts are peppered with blaming everyone else for your behavior. For example, when I said your behavior seemed worrisome, you responded by saying, "I think HER behavior was worrisome. Not mine." What does she have to do with your actions that day? How you choose to behave is your own fault. No one else has control over that. Own it.

 

I don't think that my behavior was worrisome -- if you knew the nuances you'd probably agree. I will cede to you that, yes, looking back I should have calmed down and let it go, but that's where maturity steps in. Threatening legal action for trying to find my girlfriend when she agreed to meet me is beyond the pale.

 

 

That's great. Keep up with No Contact and try your best to move on from this hurtful dead-end relationship. It's good that you're trying to learn from it, but at some point (soon) you've got to let it go, stop questioning it, forget about her, and get on with your life.

 

I've come to that point, but it still all seems a tad bit unreal.