Teenage Relationships?

[JAG-UR]

Hi All,

 

I'll try and keep this short. I'm 17 and my partner is 18. We met when we were 12 and 13. While there were romantic feelings already, we waited until we were 15 and 16 before 'officially' dating. (Parental and commitment issues).

 

The relationship is a healthy one. The relationship has always been focussed on the emotional side of things (rather than the physical) and developing a trusting friendship. We are very supportive of each other and each other's goals. We have essentially grown up together. We used to have a lot of differences in our beliefs, but as we have matured, we seem to be meeting each other at a 'half way' point.

 

Basically, I am after any general advice from people with more experience. Has anyone been successful in maintaining a teenage relationship? How seriously should I view this relationship?

[MyPoutine]

Try your best to make it work but focus on school and having a life outside of the relationship and take your time when it comes to getting intimate (if you haven't already). That way if mistakes happen and you get pregnant you'll be older and (in theory) better qualified to take care of the potential offspring...or mature enough to deal with an abortion.

 

Teen love can work but play it smart either way, good luck.

[CptObvious]

He's going to be in college and you're not, and by the time you get there he would have had a full year to choose someone better than you. Alternatively, you're going to a different college or not even going to college at all. The only advice I can give is to just relax and don't be too clingy. I know you're insecure and worried that you'll lose what you believe is "the one" but just ask yourself, of the billions of men in this world, how many can you honestly say you've had a conversation with? You're both going to have a lot of opportunities to upgrade partners, and odds are he's going to do it first and you'll have to live with that.

[JAG-UR]

Thank you :-)

 

Very good points!

We definitely plan on 'taking our time' for various reasons.

[JAG-UR]

Cpt.Obvious,

 

We are in the same year level and intend on studying at the same University. (Not because of our relationship, but because of the University's reputation). Also, I try to be a realistic person. Therefore, I do not bother thinking about vague concepts such as 'the one.' Those are definitely things to think about though. Thank you for sharing your opinion. :-)

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Don't put too much into it because it likely won't last

[crude]

I'm a little more optimistic than others here. You've known each other for 5 years. Isn't that a more solid relationship than the norm, which is a stranger asking a woman out, and he pays for the first 4 dates, then they have sex on the 5th date, because they're boyfriend and girlfriend. Your relationship is WAY more mature IMO.

[Nightsky]

are you the girl, or the boy. Are you both boys or girls?

[JAG-UR]

I'm a little more optimistic than others here. You've known each other for 5 years. Isn't that a more solid relationship than the norm, which is a stranger asking a woman out, and he pays for the first 4 dates, then they have sex on the 5th date, because they're boyfriend and girlfriend. Your relationship is WAY more mature IMO.

 

Thank you :-) I'd like to think so. We both value maturity.

[JAG-UR]

are you the girl, or the boy. Are you both boys or girls?

 

I am a female and my partner is a male.

[irc333]

I would suggest moving on, esp. he'll be off at college experiencing new things and new people. Eventually it'll be out of sight out of mind...because he'll be occupied so much.

 

When I was at college, I kinda chuckled when the lady students that arrived there....would get asked out a lot, but they're saying, "Sorry, I got a boyfriend back home." Rather respectively.

 

Then you saw her with some guy on campus holding hands. lol

 

Funny, when I was in my mid or early 20's, I'd flirt with the waitresses or mall cashiers...and talk to them, and they'd always saying they'd be making these long road trips every weekend to the boyfriend...then found out later, the boyfriend ended it...simply because of the distance.

 

She wouldn't be too happy about it, because she was trying to make it work, but....she didn't have as many opportunities in the community to meet other people, especially other singles.

 

I suggest exploring other dating options.

 

I remember some people marrying right out of highschool, right that VERY summer, that dated each other in HS....of course it didn't last long though. 2 18 year olds marrying, not recommended.

 

 

 

Hi All,

 

I'll try and keep this short. I'm 17 and my partner is 18. We met when we were 12 and 13. While there were romantic feelings already, we waited until we were 15 and 16 before 'officially' dating. (Parental and commitment issues).

 

The relationship is a healthy one. The relationship has always been focussed on the emotional side of things (rather than the physical) and developing a trusting friendship. We are very supportive of each other and each other's goals. We have essentially grown up together. We used to have a lot of differences in our beliefs, but as we have matured, we seem to be meeting each other at a 'half way' point.

 

Basically, I am after any general advice from people with more experience. Has anyone been successful in maintaining a teenage relationship? How seriously should I view this relationship?

[Ninjainpajamas]

You have a good foundation of trust because you've known each other for so long and from a point where you were still young and growing up together.

 

The thing is at your age relationships aren't complex in terms of what "real life" presents, things that come more into play as you grow as individuals and understand yourselves more. Right now everything is from the perspective of a bubble and there's a lot of change you'll both go through, some for the better perhaps and other things that may cause a divide, plus relationships develop into different phases and evolve so a first or second year of a relationship isn't like the third or fourth year.

 

Also living together where you don't have that space anymore to reset presents another huge dynamic shift and compatibility test, that's when those little things might become big.

 

For example, I like falling asleep in the dark and in silence...however some people like to fall asleep with the tv on and the lights flickering like the damn poltergeist is going to pop out of the screen any minute and I hate that....it's very hard for me to get any kind of sleep like that, so sure enough it starts to become a conflict because she might get a much better sleep with the tv on and I get a better sleep with it off, or can't even fall to sleep at all.

 

So there's a lot of little challenges like that, where you're going to test each others nerves and likes and dislikes to see how well you really do mesh. Also it'll test how good your communication really is, how good you are able to express yourself or whether you just hit walls on certain issues and subjects and can't talk about them. All those things affect relationships.

 

The good news is things are simple enough right now, just keep working on the communication, the trust and expression of how you feel. And try to recognize what is a relationship problem or just your problem, because if its your problem then you're going to have that same problem with anyone else until you fix work on yourself.

 

So it's not all about loving each other and being in love yadda yadda, that's definitely a strong component, because you have to really love someone to make it through the hard time and the long-haul because you will be tested and it will either succeed or fail depending on the emotions, state of relationship and motivation and will of both people. And there's nothing you can do to "save" a relationship or even make yourself nor him do something he doesn't really want to do.

 

Your biggest concern right now is stupid things like other girls, or you meeting other boys, drugs can come into play, partying, alcohol...at this age there is temptation and peer pressure, more responsibilities which can add to the pressure and tension of your relationship. All these things may exacerbate personal issues with each other.

 

I would recommend viewing this relationship from a very here and now perspective, take it day by day not the future. I wouldn't worry about marriage or kids for a long time IMO if you're both into that, there's no reason to rush things and don't think you're getting old just because you're 20 and all that...trust me, you're not going to feel old at 25 or 30 as you thought you were even though I'm 32 and in your eyes I probably look 70!

[SoonMyFriend]

My story is similar - we were very good friends before dating at the end of high school, and well we stayed together up until several months ago when I finally ended the relationship.

 

Ours had been broken for a long time.

 

BUT here's the difference to hopefully your situation. I believe I was never romantically in love with my ex. We never had a "honeymoon" period. As much as I did love him, and felt for a long time he was going to be my partner forever, I didn't desire him or have a passionate love for him. In many ways I clung to him through university because I was too scared to be on my own and felt so low about myself that I believed no one else would want me.

 

Then I started gaining confidence, and started to realize what a great person I am. And I realized I was living with someone who held a lot of qualities I didn't want in a partner. We tried to make it work, and tried very hard. But in the end, he wasn't willing to put in his effort and I could only try to hard to keep things afloat. So I ended it.

 

You guys are going to change A LOT in the next ten years. Sometimes couples can make it. BUT I can guarantee there will be times where you will doubt your choice, you will wonder about other guys (and he will wonder about other women). Your personalities are also going to change. Your values are going to change. I mean, you may not change all that much but some changes are going to happen.

 

My advice - as soon as you feel that doubt, that nagging sense of "what if" you have to end it. I tried to push those feelings away for years.

 

But if you can grow together, and continue to keep each other happy in all ways - sexually, romantically, emotionally, etc, and both work hard at the relationship you can make it.

 

If you are meant to be, time apart can bring you back together.

 

I hope you can make it. But if you don't you'll be OK.

 

Just make sure he is the person that is making you as happy as you can be with someone.

[sl657]

Even though the statistics regarding teenage relationships are pretty terrible- in the end each relationship is unique and the fact that most don't survive doesn't mean that yours won't.

 

In my own case- I met my bf at high school. He is a year older than me and went off to university while I remained at home to finish high school. I was fairly apprehensive about doing long distance when he left as I knew the odds were very much against our relationship surviving. But he was keen to try, and I didn't want to look back with regret that I didn't at least attempt long distance.

 

The year was very difficult. I was so fearful that he would find another girl he liked better, and electronic communication is no substitute for being with someone in real life. But we are still together- both at the same university now and he wants to get engaged next year. We are very alike and well suited to each other and I don't think I would find anyone I am such a good match with (I am not particularly mainstream so the pool of people I could potentially date is small). I am now assuming we will be together for the long run.

 

I guess some people would think we are far too young for such a serious committed relationship, but I don't know that there is anything wrong with building a life with someone you know through and through and can grow up with.

[JAG-UR]

Thanks for your replies, guys. I will definitely put more focus in other aspects of my life and try not to be too future oriented. :-)

[LittlePrince]

Where you put the focus in your life will be dependent solely on your own personality and not some glib assessments on the internet by people who have no idea about having a healthy relationship like the one you enjoy. You can try to put the focus on other things, but you seem to already be relationship minded and will always return to this default where ever you are in life. Just as these LS'ers will come back again and again to whine about relationships and will never have a clue. So the protip of the day is don't solicit advice from the internet about love. They don't even know what it is.

[arnoldzoee]

My story is similar - we were very good friends before dating at the end of high school, and well we stayed together up until several months ago when I finally ended the relationship.

 

Ours had been broken for a long time.

 

BUT here's the difference to hopefully your situation. I believe I was never romantically in love with my ex. We never had a "honeymoon" period. As much as I did love him, and felt for a long time he was going to be my partner forever, I didn't desire him or have a passionate love for him. In many ways I clung to him through university because I was too scared to be on my own and felt so low about myself that I believed no one else would want me.

 

Then I started gaining confidence, and started to realize what a great person I am. And I realized I was living with someone who held a lot of qualities I didn't want in a partner. We tried to make it work, and tried very hard. But in the end, he wasn't willing to put in his effort and I could only try to hard to keep things afloat. So I ended it.

 

You guys are going to change A LOT in the next ten years. Sometimes couples can make it. BUT I can guarantee there will be times where you will doubt your choice, you will wonder about other guys (and he will wonder about other women). Your personalities are also going to change. Your values are going to change. I mean, you may not change all that much but some changes are going to happen.

 

My advice - as soon as you feel that doubt, that nagging sense of "what if" you have to end it. I tried to push those feelings away for years.

 

But if you can grow together, and continue to keep each other happy in all ways - sexually, romantically, emotionally, etc, and both work hard at the relationship you can make it.

 

If you are meant to be, time apart can bring you back together.

 

I hope you can make it. But if you don't you'll be OK.

 

Just make sure he is the person that is making you as happy as you can be with someone.

 

 

I really like your story, thanks for sharing with us..

[SoonMyFriend]

My pleasure to share it. I find sharing it is helping me come to terms with things.

 

OP- I think that is exactly what you need to do. Live in the "now" with him. Don't think about 5 years down the line, or even 2 years. Enjoy your time together now and especially the time you have before he leaves for school. Share your fears, and keep talking. The more you communicate, the better things will be. Keep trusting each other. And yes, explore your interests and your values and your passions!! And share those things with your bf He will love you more as you become your own true person, and same with him. I truly hope you grow together Good luck!

[JAG-UR]

LittlePrince, you're right. I do value my relationships, and so my focus is on them. I also value helping people, but that again returns to relationships... Thank you for the kind words. Don't worry about me taking negative comments too seriously. I know that he and I aren't going to break it off while things are healthy. We tried once before, and we couldn't stick to it because of all of the unfinished business.

 

SoonMyFriend, thank you for the kind words. I have and continue to explore my values. I try to live my life around them. :-) Sharing them with him has brought us closer together. But I do know that the relationship isn't all I have going for me and it isn't the equivalent of my identity.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

My pleasure to share it. I find sharing it is helping me come to terms with things.

 

OP- I think that is exactly what you need to do. Live in the "now" with him. Don't think about 5 years down the line, or even 2 years. Enjoy your time together now and especially the time you have before he leaves for school. Share your fears, and keep talking. The more you communicate, the better things will be. Keep trusting each other. And yes, explore your interests and your values and your passions!! And share those things with your bf He will love you more as you become your own true person, and same with him. I truly hope you grow together Good luck!

 

Or they will just grow apart...?

[JAG-UR]

ImperfectionisBeauty, that is true. It could happen. Only time will tell.

What information have I provided to you that gives you that impression?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

ImperfectionisBeauty, that is true. It could happen. Only time will tell.

What information have I provided to you that gives you that impression?

 

I mean I wish you the best but I just think being so young and going to college and all that why would you want to be tied down? Why would he?

[JAG-UR]

Thank you. :-)

As I have previously mentioned in a reply, we are in the same year level. We will both go to Uni in the same year. Most likely the same Uni as well. I assure you that if we felt 'tied down' we wouldn't be together. I mean, yes it's hard when you meet others who you could be with, but it's a commitment.

 

I understand it is important to have fun before settling down, but I know I am happier with this person than I would be single 'having fun.' So having fun has lost its value to me. We all make a commitment eventually, right? I guess it's kind of sad, but happiness is more important to me now. I understand that maybe he won't always make me happy, but I am convinced that at the moment, he could make me the happiest. And I promise you, if we do break up, my mission will be to have as much fun as I possibly can. :-) I know it's important.

 

Thank you for sharing your point of view. It has given me a lot to think about.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Thank you. :-)

As I have previously mentioned in a reply, we are in the same year level. We will both go to Uni in the same year. Most likely the same Uni as well. I assure you that if we felt 'tied down' we wouldn't be together. I mean, yes it's hard when you meet others who you could be with, but it's a commitment.

 

I understand it is important to have fun before settling down, but I know I am happier with this person than I would be single 'having fun.' So having fun has lost its value to me. We all make a commitment eventually, right? I guess it's kind of sad, but happiness is more important to me now. I understand that maybe he won't always make me happy, but I am convinced that at the moment, he could make me the happiest. And I promise you, if we do break up, my mission will be to have as much fun as I possibly can. :-) I know it's important.

 

Thank you for sharing your point of view. It has given me a lot to think about.

 

There is just a lot to experience in college and it would suck to miss out because you're stuck on a guy but good luck either way