Not sure now...

[bakabaka]

Been lurking around this forum for few months and decided to get some support with what I'm going through recently.

 

 

I/m in A for 8 mths with a colleague. Here is some background:

 

1) We work very closely together being in the same team and office. This means seeing each other everyday.

2) He has 3 young kids with the oldest being 6 yrs old.

3) W found out about us and initiated a divorce requesting for ridiculous alimony etc.

4) But he refused to get a divorce because of his kids and the ridiculous demands from the W. He says that he does not want me to suffer with him in future (financially) if he ever divorce.

5) He kept saying that he's staying because of the kids and the financial situation.

6) he has been sleeping in different room fr W. And they've been taking turns to bring kids out separately and do not ask about each other whereabouts.

 

 

I got very fed up recently with our current situation not being able to spend time like a normal couple during weekends etc. We basically spend time together during office hr or after work at times (but seldom).

 

So i gave a ultimatum few days ago and told him to keep things casual between us etc (basically breaking it off with him).

 

He has been texting me after that but i just tried to ignore him as much as possible as I just kept thinking how things will never change. How long can I wait for him? Til his kids are older? Like another 10 yrs? I told him that I cldnt wait for so long (I'm in late 20s btw and he's in early 30s).

 

 

Now I'm feeling so terrible. He hasn't message me much today and tomorrow is Monday, meaning I've to see him again. And he's goin on a trip with his family in few days time (initiated by his mum).

 

I'm secretly hoping that he will fight for me after I told him off few days ago. But he didnt, even though he says that he love me so much.

 

What do I do now? Someone knock some sense into me please.

[alexandria35]

His wife can request a billion dollars a month for alimony but that doesn't mean she's going to get it. The courts will look at what income he has and base the amount she gets on that. He has 3 small kids so of course he will have to pay child support. Why do you want a man who would walk on his young family to be with someone he started being sexual with at the office anyways? What's attractive about that? What do want from him? He's not leaving his wife. Do you want to continue being an office hours OW?

[Minnie09]

She has initiated a D and he doesn't want one. That's that.

The alimony excuse is BS. Sure, everyone will be "poorer" after a D, but it's about priorities. He can tell you all kinds of things, but actions speak louder than words.

 

If you ask me, he's trying his best to be a good husband now, because he doesn't want to lose W and kids under any circumstances. If he does sleep in a different bedroom, it's because she kicked him out right after dday. He is not in the driver's seat right now and won't be for a long time.*

 

*Be prepared that if a D should happen, it's because his W wants it to happen, and you will be his plan B. If that's good enough for you, good for you. If not, stop the A yesterday. It's either going to stop anyways, because his W will demand that if she decides to give him another chance, or see above. Please don't do that to yourself. You don't sound like the typical ow who plays second fiddle for years. You want the real thing. And it doesn't look like that's going to happen.*

[MissBee]

You don't do anything.

 

All the cards are on the table.

 

He knows how you feel and he knows his situation. It's up to him to try to make it work or not.

 

But you've already reached your breaking point, you're fed up and you can't continue indefinitely in this situation. You've made it known, so the ball is in his court.

 

I know you want him to fight for you and I'm sure your mind is playing the trick of "maybe I shouldn't have said how I felt", "maybe I should have waited some more" etc. but it's not true. This may be the end of things for you guys, and while that's never pleasant, you can and will move on from it. You've been in the A 8 months, it's a while but not a year or many years. If your relationship isn't going to work out it's better you know now and mourn it now than be a 10 year OW still waiting.

[veryhappy]

This guy has shown you where his priorities are. You don't matter. Kids, wife, dog, the smoothie they had when they were dating...who cares? He doesn't want you. His wife even made it easy for him filing for divorce, because most wives want their hubby back. What did your MM do? Decided he wanted his marriage.

 

When somebody doesn't want you, havr enough dignity to walk away and move on. Get another job. He will try to keep you as the OW and it's one of the most damaging things you can do to yourself.

 

He can't have both. He made a choice. You need to move on and he needs to live according to his choices.

[anna121]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also struggling with feelings for a colleague, though we haven't taken things anywhere near as far.

 

I would be very, very turned off if my colleague did what your MM has done, ie., chose his wife while trying to string me along. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but he is being incredibly cruel and selfish. He should not be texting you - he should be giving you space and making himself as unobtrusive as possible.

 

Please don't put too much stock in what he says about WHY he has chosen to stay with his wife (ridiculous alimony, the two of you being forced to the poor house). Look at his actions, not his words.

 

Do what you can to minimize contact. Shared work environment makes it very difficult. Can you get a secondment somewhere for a few months? Can you transfer to another dept? It might be time to move.