How to get these things outside of a relationship?

[Nikki Sahagin]

So I've been out of a relationship for about three years. I recently had a holiday romance that rekindled a lot of things that I felt I have been missing that really make me happy.

 

The thing is I am 23, I am young and without sounding egotistical, I think I am a beautiful girl. Of course I have my flaws, but I have no body hangups and I genuinely like how I look and am happy with it. It might sound arrogant, but I am just trying to be honest, and I think in a world filled with girls who hate the way they look, that is a good thing

 

But I feel that my appearance is not appreciated. I feel like I am young and in my prime but I have no-one to appreciate it. It's not just that I want someone to fawn over me as I love fawning over the object of my affections too and making them feel special, wanted and sexy, but it is something I really miss.

 

I miss someone calling my beautiful, and meaning it.

I miss someone playing with my hair or hugging me.

I miss someone sniffing my neck or my perfume

I miss all the little intimate things that someone does when they care for you or love you.

The tiny intimate things that you just can't buy and can't fake.

 

The truth is, many guys can call me beautiful a day, but they can all be letchy and gross. A lot of guys could try to hug you but you know it feels sleazy and gross. When a *certain person or people* make you feel valued and special, and you can do the same, I turn into a real pussycat.

 

I just loved being adored and treasured and looked after and being able to do the same for someone else.

 

But how can you get these things outside of a relationship? How can you find that validation?

 

To me these are basic human needs. We all need attention, love and intimacy, right from when we are babies and I actually think something is very wrong in our society and culture (not just in terms of romantic relationships) whereby a general sense of intimacy and contact is gone for the most part, which is why I am quite drawn to certain Asian countries where the men can hold hands and people can be more tactile without it meaning anything.

 

I literally CRAVE these little contacts.

 

Is there ANYWAY to get these outside of a relationship? Or do you just have to learn to be content without it?

 

I always play with my friends hair and they with mine, I hug my mum and friends, but there is still a lot missing here.

 

Does anyone else struggle with this?

[2sure]

The actions you describe are part of an affectionate and intimate relationship. As you said yourself, with a stranger it's just creepy behavior.

[Nikki Sahagin]

And unfortunately a relationship is not always easy to come by.

Surely there are ways people can fulfill these needs outside of a relationship?

[january2011]

It really does sound like you miss the words and the tactile nature of an intimate relationship.

 

Get a pet or volunteer with children/animals (in a non-sexual way) and surround yourself with luxurious fabrics and textures. Alternatively, you might get some of the things you seek if you find the right FWB relationship, as a last resort. Though I'd suggest thinking carefully about entering one if you can't keep your heart separate from your body.

 

Some people cuddle with their same-sex and opposite-sex friends - though, I think this is potentially dangerous territory as these situations could be ripe for misunderstanding if one person thinks there's more to it and the other person is not looking for anything romantic.