lulee Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 I feel that ever since me and my husband got married my mother in law won't stop scaring me with all her thoughts. Meaning, shes always talking about death and tormenting me and about her dying soon ( she has issues with her blood sugar) and if it comes down to it she says that me and my husband HAVE to take care of my husband's sister as though she was our daughter. Mind you, theres plenty of family around, My in laws are still together so it is not like she will be abandoned. (me and my husband will be living in another country, not in the US which is away from everybody) We just got married last month, we are both a young couple 25 years old each. With our OWN responsibilities we couldn't even have a honeymoon because my husband had to leave to the other country ahead of me he is military. I feel i can't ever be at peace in my marriage without my mother in law constantly intervening and tormenting me giving me guilt trips in doing what she wants and me unable to stand up to myself. My husbands sister is 16 years of age and now my mother in law just scared me. I haven't even left with my husband and i feel as though i have to plan my life with his sister as a third wheel (i feel bad for saying so but its true) in it. We both want our own family including kids and what not but omg i want our OWN LIFE together. Now my mother in law has me all worried about what if something bad happens to her or what not. This is hard, i feel like me and my husband will never be able to live a happy married life without the concerns of my mother in law been in the middle. I understand that is his sister but it is not our daughter it is not our responsibility as we will have responsibilities of our own with our future children. I feel this is responsibility of my husband's FATHER not ours. Am feeling miserable and we JUST got married. Would it HAVE to be our responsibility to take care of my husband sibling when they have plenty of family back home including her dad? How would you feel about this burst of responsibility thrown at you and how would you handle it? My husband does not know anything, my mother in law just called and told me all this, that if she dies soon, that both me and my husband HAVE and MUST take care of my husband's sister as though she were our own. Thats both creepy and terrifying as well as dominating. I mean idk, both me and my husband are super happy to be starting our own lives together just me and him and thinking about kids or what not on our OWN. also we have been together for around 7 years, but now my mother in law i feel she is just acting really crazy and is creeping me out. How would you handle this sittuation. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Repeat after me: "You'll need to speak with [H's name] about that." and change the subject. You talk to your husband. Let him handle her. As for the sister situation--my H and I were asked to do something similar when we were first married, in our early 20s. We were asked (not told) if we'd agree to be legal guardians for a teen sibling, if the parents were to die. We said yes, of course we would. Thankfully, no one died! But, yes, we agreed to the legal document. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulee Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 thanks for the response, i haven't told my husband anything because i don't want to torment him either since he is so many miles away. But your right if it does get out of hand, at the end of the day he has to deal with her. I just feel this huge responsibility thrown at us that it truly belongs to his dad not us. And i was not asked i was told that we have to do this. idk she just terrified me truly as i have yet to have kids of my own and she is just constantly pushing his sister on to him to take care ever since i can remember even at the age of 13 as thought he was her dad, when both of his parents are together. Even when my husband was back home (we were away from each other for a year) when he finally came home i couldn't even spend one day with him alone (he stayed only one month home before he had to leave again) I wanted alone time with him and his mother wouldn't stop saying take your sister with you here there every where with you, remember your sister this, remember your sister that, take her with you dont forget her. I swear not even the day of the wedding we were alone, we were guarded with his sister. No privacy. I just thought after we had gotten married and moved away to another country into our own house and what not this would be over but its not. my mother in law simply wont stop. I couldn't say anything after she said that because i didnt want to seem rude but i feel that was my own mistake and that i should have said something but i was too speechless and overpowered. i just hope it doesn't get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Personally I would have gotten rude long before this but that's me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulee Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 what would you have said? i wanted to defend myself so badly but didn't know what to say Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 (edited) Can't you say "yeah, sure, if anything happens to you, we'd love to have her living with us. Obviously she'll have to leave school immediately and start working 2 jobs in order to pay her way, but that's only fair. Actually I've been meaning to speak to you about her, I notice she hasn't got a face tattoo yet and I was thinking maybe I could pay for one for her for her birthday? What do you think? It's either that or the Satanist Handbook- which do you think she'd like better?" Edit: but in all seriousness, I'm not sure whether she's classified as an adult yet or not where you are. If she's not an adult, afaik nothing can happen unless you sign a legal document agreeing to take legal responsibility for her. If no such document has been waved around, then you can relax because nothing could happen. If she *is* an adult, then it doesn't matter what your MIL says, the sister will be asked to choose for herself where she wants to go. I think you said you're in another country now, and I'm guessing she'd prefer to stay nearer to home/school/friends etc if given a choice. I'm sure it is hard to say 'no', so I'd just mumble something non-committal about making sure she's cared for and change the topic. Edited November 26, 2012 by movingon12 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 lulee, you need boundaries. If she brings it up, you are ready and end it immediately with "you'll have to speak with ______ about that". If she persists, cut her off with, "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable discussing this without involving _______" and get off the phone. You don't have to engage in these conversations at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulee Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you all so much for your responses this is truly frustrating. My mother in law is quite pushy and just dominant. Being reference to his sister not wanting to leave because of friends and scho etc she wouldn't mind. I just am going to try and avoid this subject with my mother in law as much as possible as though it never happened I swear she just wants to rule over our marriage and won't let us be at peace I feel bad because I want to tell my husband and vent but at the same time I don't want to bother him with hia mother and seem like a nag even though he really does stick up for me a lot more like all the time so far and I don't want to loose this with him but gosh my parents aren't like this they respect us. His mother is just making this insane serious decisions for us and god forbid if something where to happen am not ready for that responsibility for heavens sake me and my husband both decided to wait to have kids let alone am not ready to look after a teenager!! Am so upset!! Specially since my husband is in the military this means I will have to deal with all the responsibilities putting up school on hold cleaning up after her (she's very messy) buying her stuff and all these things that both me and my husband are not ready for!! Am so upset I don't know how to stop this crazy woman she just doesn't seem to hold her ground Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I feel bad because I want to tell my husband and vent but at the same time I don't want to bother him with hia mother and seem like a nag If you don't have the conversation with her, you will have no need to bother or vent to him. See? She'll have no choice but to contact him directly (which I understand will be difficult because he is deployed--but all the better). When she contacts him directly, it is his job to tell her, directly, that you two are not willing to be guardians for his sister. You will need to have that conversation with him, to make sure you and he are on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulee Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 your right, gosh i hope i don't become a monster in law in the future, i really hate the fact mines is making my life miserable! But in reference to telling him, yea i still should do a heads up just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 I honestly think you're worrying about this too much. Even if you two wanted to take the sister, if she's still a minor, this has to go through a legal process and I can't see any court would agree that she should go to you: you're in a different country, your husband (her relative) will be away a lot of time, leaving her to be raised by a 'single' woman who is nowhere near old enough to be her mother. There is absolutely no benefit to her going to you - it doesn't matter what her mum wanted, the court will decide what's best for the girl. Once she's an adult it doesn't matter what the mum wants either because she'll be asked to choose for herself where she wants to go. And frankly, your MIL won't be around to pressure her. I know it's difficult, but your MIL, as morbid as she is, considers *you* to be the best person to love and care for her only daughter. That says a lot about her opinion of you. Try to take this as a compliment as much as you can and don't fret too much - the one's that are always complaining they are about to die are usually the ones that live on and on and on and on..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulee Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 Try to take this as a compliment as much as you can and don't fret too much - the one's that are always complaining they are about to die are usually the ones that live on and on and on and on..... Funny you said that, Thank you for giving me this perspective i never thought about it this way, His family does adore me, i really am there for them whenever they need anything, but she is suffocating us, the whole day yesterday she was talking about death and dying and that she was feeling horrible, we ALL got worried, she ended up going to the Emergency room and scaring everybody, JUST GUESS what her death note was????? Flipping menopause! That is her illness literally exact words from what the doctor said. I saw her lab work and everything and everything was PERFECT, her blood sugar everything was above excellent!! I can't believe this woman, she nearly gave me a heart attack yesterday at work stressing me out, i had to leave work early because she wouldn't stop driving me crazy about that if she dies or what not! and here she goes to the emergency room for menopause! Seriously!???? Anyone who heard her there thought she had some sort of life ending disease! I just can not wait for the housing paperwork to finally go through so i can leave to Europe and be with my Husband for good (he is over there and i am still here waiting) i cant take this craziness! But it is taking forever! That woman will drive me crazy before i get to my husband! Oh and i don't know if you have read the other thread i wrote she even wanted to take over naming our unborn child of which we have not even thought about having any time soon after both her and her husband wtf! I understand she thinks am a great wife but omg am going crazy with her. I couldn't take it anymore and i spoke to my husband and told him straight out that his mother is driving me crazy and he says to ignore her that to not pay her any attention, and that if it gets over the line to let him know and he will talk to her because both he and i do not need the stress since we are overwhelmed enough trying to get everything set to finally be together and he says that "we are one, we are a marriage and that we are doing our own lives making our own decisions without anybody butting in and that includes his mother and sister, and anybody else" unquote. he is amazing thank god he understands i think this helps ALOT Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Wow, she sounds like fun to be around! But it sounds like you have a very supportive husband and I hope you can join him soon. I guess if anything else happens, and you don't feel you can just brush it off, you should ask him to have a little word with her. But it might make things a bit awkward between you and her, so if you can stick it out - at least until you leave - it might be easiest in the long run. I think wanting to name your unborn baby is fairly standard for controlling MILs. Just say yest to whatever she wants then make sure she's not there when you go to register the birth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulee Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 soooo she is making things even worse now she is talking about moving to europe to where me and my husband will be stationed we havent even had a HONEYMOON! this lady is pure evil! I tried to agree with her in everything and now is worse, now she is talking about my father in law should go to the ER or something, am tired of her dramatic excuses already! omg help i wish she would back down. When she mentioned about moving, for the first time in 7 years i respnded with, maybe you guys should stay here instead. omg i couldnt take it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
movingon12 Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 soooo she is making things even worse now she is talking about moving to europe to where me and my husband will be stationed we havent even had a HONEYMOON! this lady is pure evil! I tried to agree with her in everything and now is worse, now she is talking about my father in law should go to the ER or something, am tired of her dramatic excuses already! omg help i wish she would back down. When she mentioned about moving, for the first time in 7 years i respnded with, maybe you guys should stay here instead. omg i couldnt take it anymore. Ok, you're right, she's bonkers! I think you need to get your husband to step in - though I'm not sure how much difference it's going to make. Is she still married to your FIL? How does he react to all this? Is he agreeing with her or just rolling his eyes in the background? Do you know how long it will be until you move? And if she moved to Europe where is the sister going to go?? Not to mention how would she pay the medical expenses for treating her, um, menopause in a European hospital... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lulee Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 She is still married and living with my FIL they arent separated or nothing she is just so damn clingy to my husband. My FIL does not say anything nor gets in the middle of anything she mostly says this when i go visit or talk to her over the phone which he isnt around because at that time he is working. But yesterday she mentioned him saying for me to tell my husband when i talk to him to look for jobs for them to move to europe and she says he says it joking around but that she will go. I dont get this lady she acts as though she doesnt have her own family to take care off. I am trying so hard not to pay her any mind since i dont want to drive my husband insane. Besides i feel that once me and my husband are together alone hopefully she stops, because we will be gone for 5 years and theres nothing she can do about it but get used to it and deal with her precious 25 year old baby been a married man and starting his life with his wife on is own. About me knowing when i am moving, hopefully in 2 months, its taking forever! Am anxious and missing my husband and this lady is just making it worse! yesterday when she mentioned about her husband (my FIL) having aches and pains and her wanting to take him to the ER for it, his response to her was, its called getting old LOL. So i told her to not pay attention to every little ache and pains because you will loose your head over possibly nothing. yea after those two comments i said yesterday the first one been, maybe you guys should just stay home here in the states, and the aches and pains comment she is most likely starting to get pissed at me but i dont care if i dont do or say something she will take over and am getting fed up. thanks for the response btw Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts