would i have regrets going back, will she get better?

[smog]

Hi my name is Steve and I am 31. I was married for 3 years until my wife left me 2 months ago as she felt we wernt making each other happy. My wife has always been quite dramatic and often made a mountan out of mole hill. Shes a very nuerotic character but I do love her dearly and stood by her side.

 

Our relationship had a lot of problems over the years but I always put it down to marriage being hard work. My wife has always been a perfectionist everything was always black and white with her with absolutely no middle ground. If something wasnt done to her standards or the way she would do it then it was wrong! As you can imagine over the years this wore me down and I felt like i was useless and she was dissapointed with her lot in life.

 

I never really knew where i stood with her as one minute she was saying how in love with me she was and how she couldnt wait for us to have children together to then criticising me and us and saying that she wasnt sure we were right and didnt know how to fix things???! There would be so many occasions where we would be having a great day and then I would disagree with a point she made and it would be world war 3??

 

I'm pretty mixed up right now and wonder if we ever got back together whether things would be different. I'd like to think that I was a good guy to her and it would be hard to find better so I am confused as to why she has left what/who is she looking for?

[NoneoftheAbove]

If i were you, i wouldnt question as to why she left you. You know you;ve been good to her and supported her no matter what..Let her have her fun, when shiet hits the fan shes going to realize what she has lost. In the mean time, try and keep your mind busy. Don;t think about it too much, work on yourself and get back on your feet. She clearly wanted things in her way without thinking about your feelings.

[Ladydrib]

Hi my name is Steve and I am 31. I was married for 3 years until my wife left me 2 months ago as she felt we wernt making each other happy. My wife has always been quite dramatic and often made a mountan out of mole hill. Shes a very nuerotic character but I do love her dearly and stood by her side.

 

Our relationship had a lot of problems over the years but I always put it down to marriage being hard work. My wife has always been a perfectionist everything was always black and white with her with absolutely no middle ground. If something wasnt done to her standards or the way she would do it then it was wrong! As you can imagine over the years this wore me down and I felt like i was useless and she was dissapointed with her lot in life.

 

I never really knew where i stood with her as one minute she was saying how in love with me she was and how she couldnt wait for us to have children together to then criticising me and us and saying that she wasnt sure we were right and didnt know how to fix things???! There would be so many occasions where we would be having a great day and then I would disagree with a point she made and it would be world war 3??

 

I'm pretty mixed up right now and wonder if we ever got back together whether things would be different. I'd like to think that I was a good guy to her and it would be hard to find better so I am confused as to why she has left what/who is she looking for?

 

Let her go. She either has issues (which will not magically go away) or she was that unsure of her feelings for you that she went back and forth and if that's the case you'll end up back here again if you get back together.

 

You need to do the right thing and not try to talk her into coming back. Doing so might convince her to come back but will be very damaging to both of you in the long run. Your story sounds like mine. My husband talked me into not leaving when I initially decided we likely did not have what it took for a long term successful relationship. Well he convinced me to try harder, and I thought he was worth it so I did. But looking back I wish he had just let me go. And he probably wishes the same. I posted my story under "what would you do?" in case you want to read it.

 

But my advice to you is let her go if she left. She wouldn't have left if she wanted a life with you. She saw potential with you guys, that's when you got the positive signs from her. But she didn't think she loved you enough. That's why she left. Let her go.

[SuperGeek]

Your relationship sounds just like my last one. Ex was wish washy all the time and left me 4 times over a 4 year relationship. Obviously the first three times were for a few weeks, and the third time was for a month. The forth time she completely moved out and ended the relationship and hooked up with some loser from plenty of fish (a bloke with a criminal record, no job, no drivers permit, no education, i.e. total scumbag). After he left her, she tried to come back again but after a year of pain I gained the emotional strength to break the cycle.

 

Do yourself a favour and get yourself a 6 pack and sit down one night by yourself and really think long and hard about your relationship with your wife. Really dig deep and be honest with yourself about what you think she is capable of and if you think she's going to change. My feeling just from reading your post is that you know she isn't happy and like others have said, you must let her go. You need to be honest with yourself, especially if you haven't had kids with her yet, because once you cross that line things get much more difficult and she will always be in your life, even as an ex.

 

As I mentioned, my ex tried to come back after her fling engagement of 8 months ended. The first week I almost went back with her, but I could tell from her tone on the phone that the chemistry and feeling she had for me was gone. She was just looking for a body to fill a void in her life. With her history of leaving over and over in the past, I knew I couldn't go through it with her again. So I showed her the door and cut all contact with her, her family, friends, everyone she knew. It has now been over a year since I made that stand and I'm finally starting to climb out of the depression from it, but now I face bitterness about relationships and trust issues of women. It will indeed take some time for me to learn to trust again.

 

Based on my last relationship and experience (I'm 33 btw), if you don't yet have kids with this woman I would bail immediately. Typically once a girl leaves they aren't coming back for awhile, and not without dating other men first -- again, just my experience here. Once that happens, it's just not the same at that point and the trust you once had just doesn't come back, not for me at least. I would always be wondering when she'd leave again or take off with the next guy.

 

I am personally at a point now that if a girl walks out on me at any point in a relationship (especially in the dating phase) for even a short amount of time, then I'm done with the relationship. I want a family at some point and will accept nothing less than a woman that is committed to me just as much as I'm committed to her. If they walk out, they aren't committed enough. I have always been the rock in my relationships and have always stood by them, even through disagreements and tough times. I expect the same from them or it just won't work.

 

You are 31 and that is a great age to find a great companion. Cut this one loose, take some time off to re-group, and then get back out there ! Do not waste your time on someone that has already moved out and left you. Let it go.

 

The next statement is brutal honesty and will hurt to read, but it is likely the truth: If she saw potential with you in the future, she wouldn't have left in the first place! She would have stayed and worked on things with you. She's gone, so help her out and just end it. Yes it's hard to read that I'm sure, but women don't leave if they think there is a good future ahead. Don't waste your time any longer with her -- learn from the experience and move on.

 

SuperGeek

Edited November 26, 2012 by SuperGeek

[BetrayedH]

Let her go. If she fights to restore things with you, then you can reconsider. Otherwise she will have no motivation to change and you'll find yourself in the same position after a short period of time.

 

Oddly enough, you have to realize that you are now in a power position. This is your opportunity to set boundaries about what you will accept. Her inflexibility and her decision to leave instead of fixing the marriage should be dealbreakers for you. If she's willing to change those things, go to marriage counseling, etc, then you can consider taking her back.

[smog]

Hey,

 

thanks for the responses. It's basically a done deal she is pushing fpr divorce and I have been in touch with a solicitor to see where i stand.

 

Its funny I've been going through some weird emotions recently ups and downs as you would expect but I cant help but think everytime I crave her that I'm craving for someone who never really existed, an idealist image of her. Most of my longing for her seems to come as a reaction to her apparent lack of interest in and my ego gets hurt by this!

[GuyInLimbo]

Let her go. She either has issues (which will not magically go away) or she was that unsure of her feelings for you that she went back and forth and if that's the case you'll end up back here again if you get back together.

 

You need to do the right thing and not try to talk her into coming back. Doing so might convince her to come back but will be very damaging to both of you in the long run. Your story sounds like mine. My husband talked me into not leaving when I initially decided we likely did not have what it took for a long term successful relationship. Well he convinced me to try harder, and I thought he was worth it so I did. But looking back I wish he had just let me go. And he probably wishes the same. I posted my story under "what would you do?" in case you want to read it.

 

But my advice to you is let her go if she left. She wouldn't have left if she wanted a life with you. She saw potential with you guys, that's when you got the positive signs from her. But she didn't think she loved you enough. That's why she left. Let her go.

 

Completely agree with this. No one should have to walk around on egg shells all the time around a spouse. Where's the happiness and fulfillment in that? I don't see someone that anal/obsessive/hardline ever really changing. Sounds like you guys aren't compatible at all.

 

Cut your losses now. There's someone else out there who will make you much happier w/o all the drama.

[smog]

is it normal to feel like you wont ever meet anyone else again? like somehow you have missed your chance. What if my ex was the most attractive person i'm likely to get with again, what if from now on i will only be able to settle for second best. I know i sound crazy - is this normal?

[Yasuandio]

is it normal to feel like you wont ever meet anyone else again? like somehow you have missed your chance. What if my ex was the most attractive person i'm likely to get with again, what if from now on i will only be able to settle for second best. I know i sound crazy - is this normal?

 

I feel like that too, if it make you feel any better. And my XH must just be terrible for my health. It is scary -- after a long marriage -- to be alone, risk change. We are so settled in out ways. For me -- I never worried about how old I was, how or where I would live, or get along. Somehow, I felt safety in my marriage -even though it was a lonely marriage - with it's huge problems. These are all new challenges that I have to face on my own now.

 

But really, the security, I thought I had was merely an illusion in my mind. You are normal. You will meet someone else when you least expect it as will I, if we are so destined. Attractive enough, good enough, second best, first rate -- none of that is a factor at the moment. You can only be in this moment right now -- correct? Maybe if you try not to think about stuff that doesn't factor into the moment, your life will become easier. Yas

[worldgonewrong]

is it normal to feel like you wont ever meet anyone else again? like somehow you have missed your chance. What if my ex was the most attractive person i'm likely to get with again, what if from now on i will only be able to settle for second best. I know i sound crazy - is this normal?

 

This is completely normal.

I felt like the proverbial salmon that had swum upstream and now was just waiting for the great grizzly bear to eat me, by the time our marriage began to tank.

But, with time and perspective on my side, I am slowly (or maybe quickly?) unraveling all the myriad ways my STBX was massively unhealthy for me.

This sounds crazy, but she really did me a favor by cutting me loose!!!

I can't believe I'm even typing that.

[BetrayedH]

Hey,

 

thanks for the responses. It's basically a done deal she is pushing fpr divorce and I have been in touch with a solicitor to see where i stand.

 

Its funny I've been going through some weird emotions recently ups and downs as you would expect but I cant help but think everytime I crave her that I'm craving for someone who never really existed, an idealist image of her. Most of my longing for her seems to come as a reaction to her apparent lack of interest in and my ego gets hurt by this!

 

You are entirely correct that you long for someone that never existed. It took me 18 years to discover that my wife was never who I thought she was. Once you truly start seeing your wife for who she is (rather than who you thought), then you can start looking forward to meeting someone that is actually deserving of your love and affection. Worldgonewrong and I are from similar places; our wives cheated and left. It's a huge blow to the ego but I think we both agree that we're now better off without them. Life most certainly improves. The ego blow is temporary because it wasn't really us that was broken; it was our wayward wives.

 

BTW, WGW she didn't do you a favor (she's a bitch) but you can still be happy to be outta there.

[smog]

Hey,

 

I went out tonight with a friend for dinner. I'm coming home now on the train and this sudden wave of sadness has come over me!!? All of a sudden I have regret.

 

In my mind I can't help but think that I didn't make enough effort to make the marriage exciting and not boring and that is why she left and now rents a room in a house and goes out drinking most nights! Surely though a marriage slows down and you get into a comfortable state with one another? What did I do wrong that made this relationship so unbearable? I wasn't violent or abusive??!

 

I'm teRrified that any women I meet from now on will abandon me when it gets a little bit mundane and routine!

 

I also keep imagining her and this guy I believe she is now seeing though I have no proof! I keep imagining them having sex together and how a new relationship between them is growing stronger and stronger by the day crushing any kind of special bond I had with her for the past few years! Urrrgh!!!

[GuyInLimbo]

Hey,

 

I went out tonight with a friend for dinner. I'm coming home now on the train and this sudden wave of sadness has come over me!!? All of a sudden I have regret.

 

In my mind I can't help but think that I didn't make enough effort to make the marriage exciting and not boring and that is why she left and now rents a room in a house and goes out drinking most nights! Surely though a marriage slows down and you get into a comfortable state with one another? What did I do wrong that made this relationship so unbearable? I wasn't violent or abusive??!

 

I'm teRrified that any women I meet from now on will abandon me when it gets a little bit mundane and routine!

 

I also keep imagining her and this guy I believe she is now seeing though I have no proof! I keep imagining them having sex together and how a new relationship between them is growing stronger and stronger by the day crushing any kind of special bond I had with her for the past few years! Urrrgh!!!

 

Smog, get yourself to a counselor tomorrow. And don't stop. You really need a professional to help you through this. You're going through normal stages of grief, but you're also beating yourself up over things you didn't or don't have control over. And, like many of us, you're just plain damn scared, which is OK. This is a big change for you.

 

Will you meet someone just as, or more, "attractive" than your W? F yeah, you will. Will someone find you attractive and want to be with you and enjoy life with you? You bet your ass they will. And you'll develop new and stronger bonds with someone who will make this chick a distant memory.

[worldgonewrong]

Will you meet someone just as, or more, "attractive" than your W? F yeah, you will. Will someone find you attractive and want to be with you and enjoy life with you? You bet your ass they will. And you'll develop new and stronger bonds with someone who will make this chick a distant memory.

 

Quoted for truth!!

GuyInLimbo has it exactly right.

[smog]

Thanks guys,

 

I am seeing a counsellor once a week which is helping to a degree. She keeps telling me im being too hard on myself and that in every relationship it takes two to mess things up.

 

Deep down i know being out of this is the best thing for me but fear always seems to take over!!

 

i just dont know its getting on for three months now since the split and im still going back and forth...

[GuyInLimbo]

Quoted for truth!!

GuyInLimbo has it exactly right.

 

 

I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV!

[worldgonewrong]

smog - your wife sounds a lot like my STBX. I've been separated almost 2 whole years, and the divorce machine is churning away as we speak.

Seriously, man? RUN. She has nothing to offer you but soul-sucking insecurity. I too was madly in love with my wife, and she ripped the whole thing apart. The same dogmatism, the same black/white thinking, the same notion that nothing you could do could ever live up to her standards. In the process of making her feel loved and happy, you're like Sissyphus - rolling that stone up the mountain, chasing it down the mountain and starting all over again every day. Meanwhile she makes the tiniest gesture and acts like she's given you the sun, moon, and the stars. My point? You have a lot of love to give. It's wasted on her. It will never be enough, no matter how hard you try. And brother, I say this as one of THE biggest idealists in the world. I fought like hell for my marriage, but she didn't. Period. Don't waste precious time like I did. That said, I completely understand your feelings and rationale for doing the things that compel you.