unbearable

[ej427]

I'm just wondering when the pain of a separation starts to fade away. It's been 5 1/2 months. I can't live my life feeling like this. I want to get better. I want to pick myself up off the floor. I have no energy, no desire. I don't understand how he can be so happy with a woman while I am left here to take care of our children and try to hold myself together. I obsess about it, I cry, I scream and act like a mental case. I can barely function anymore. I guess I'm wondering how long it has taken women to start to feel better about their lives when their husbands leave them for another woman and also want to know how a man could love their wives one day, then wake up the next day feeling no more love and in love with someone else a week later?

[NoneoftheAbove]

No one can answer that question but your husband. For the sake of your child, you have to pick yourself up so you can teach them how to love and be strong. Im really sorry to see that youre in so much pain

[ALittleLost2]

Im only 3 weeks into my mess, but Im going thru the same thing. I can completely relate to the loving me one day, even on the day he left he said he still loved me and he wasnt leaving because he didnt love me, to him living with someone else. He moved straight out of here in with her. And they dont even know one another.

 

I dont have any advice really, i wish i did. I just wanted you to know you arent alone.

[Ladydrib]

I'm just wondering when the pain of a separation starts to fade away. It's been 5 1/2 months. I can't live my life feeling like this. I want to get better. I want to pick myself up off the floor. I have no energy, no desire. I don't understand how he can be so happy with a woman while I am left here to take care of our children and try to hold myself together. I obsess about it, I cry, I scream and act like a mental case. I can barely function anymore. I guess I'm wondering how long it has taken women to start to feel better about their lives when their husbands leave them for another woman and also want to know how a man could love their wives one day, then wake up the next day feeling no more love and in love with someone else a week later?

 

First of all, I'm very sorry for your pain. You might not want to hear from me, but I want to try to help so I'll take the risk.

 

I have a friend whose husband left. It was 5 years ago and she's doing better, but it has been very slow. I think she could have made as much progress with healing in much less time. Probably about a year. The things I saw that she could have done differently have to do with acceptance. She refused to accept that there would be no justice. She still wants him to pay or suffer for the pain he caused her, but I believe she has to let that go.

 

So, I think if your goal is really to move on and feel better, place your energy there rather than wishing for justice that will never be served.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. Try to keep in mind that you are much better off without him if your marriage did not mean enough to him to not do this. He's not the man you thought he was. You need to reprogram your brain to see that he is someone different than who you thought.

[Steen719]

Sometimes, people are unhappy and have fallen out of love with their spouses long before they leave. They are way ahead of us in the leaving business. Someone else presents and off they go into their future.

OR

Someone turns their head and they are interested, so they convince themselves that they were not in love with you and off they go to someone else and then realize what an ass they are. Greener pastures, they thought.

OR

Something else and I am not sure of what this is.

 

Any way I look at it, it is not good and often times, we don't know what we did, what we should have done or even if we could have done one single thing to make it turn out differently.

 

If you can, move forward with your life. Find some things you like to do. Walk, exercise, go out with friends and spend time with your children. You cannot make someone come back, you cannot make them love you and once time goes by, you may decide that you would not want someone who can throw your love and life away so easily. Invest your time in worthwhile actions and in time (I know that is hard to hear and do) it will be easier. Cry all you need to and other than when you absolutely have to, do not talk to him.

 

It will get better.

[ej427]

It's not that he left that hurts, it's not that he's living with another woman that hurts. It's looking into our babies eyes every day and knowing that they have been cheated of a good life with two parents at home. They don't even have a clue of how one rash decision their dad made will change their lives forever.

He wants to leave...fine. But their are steps that a decent person should follow to keep the other person from loosing their mind. Seriously, people commit suicide all the time over the feelings that I am struggling with. I've had two cousins that took their lives over a break up.

I feel like an idiot for not seeing the signs. I want to say we had a wonderful marriage, but I'm sure most on here would disagree stating that if it was so great, he wouldn't have left. That's my point. I always felt that he was happy. He told me this every day. He made me feel secure and loved. Then one day is was all gone. He kissed me goodnight, then went to work, came home and told me he didn't feel in love with me anymore. He said that he feels love when he looks at me, but when he goes to work he never thinks about me.

We never had big fights or big problems. If we did, it would make sense that he left. If I cheated, it would make sense to leave. If he wasn't attracted to me or was gay, that would make sense. I think he left because he was bored with being responsible. We just had to babies 12 months apart. I let my body go, wasn't giving him all my attention like before. HE says that wasn't it, but it has to be. He promises that I was perfect and it was him. IDK.

I may never know why he left, but I do know that I still love him very much. Not the man he is now, but I love the husband he was to me. That's what makes it so hard. I look into his eyes and see my husband only it's not really him. Just a man that looks like him.

It's really done a number on me. I can't eat or sleep. I've lost 92 pounds since he told me he'd fallen out of love. But, I fake it, the hurt I feel inside. When I finally started to open up to people at work about how I've been hurting they complimented me on my strength for getting through the day without falling apart. I've held it inside to get through work, then fall apart at home. I need the pain to end. I think it will take years to heal the scars he's left me with.

[SuperGeek]

You post was deeply moving and I am very sorry for your pain. My ex wife left me 2+ years ago and it has been a crusade (and that's putting it lightly) getting over it. Not to mention, she tried to come back after putting me through 1+ years of hell (i.e. her hooking up with tons of other men and flaunting that in public in order to hurt me). It is a miracle I had the strength to end that cycle of craziness with her and let her go for good.

 

All I can say is to be good to yourself and it WILL get better. It has been 2+ years since mine ended and I am a different man today. Time has a way of smoothing out the pain over time and some how things just improve.

 

This website is a great community and without it I don't know if I would have made it. Sometimes the pain was so unbearable that I barely held it together at work. So I know exactly how you feel.

 

Be good to yourself and keep posting. Take time to treat yourself to relaxing hobbies to take your mind off of these painful events. It is hard to do at first, but eventually you start getting better each day at controlling the emotions and learning how to deal with them. At some point I had to accept the fact that I will never know why my ex was so unhappy with me and that if it was meant to be it would have worked out. It took me awhile to get to this place and sometimes I still struggle with it, but each day I heal just slightly more. Lots of ups and downs the last 2+ years for me, expect that. The path to healing isn't linear but sinusoidal in a lot of ways.

 

SuperGeek

[GuyInLimbo]

EJ, are you in therapy??? Sounds like you are in tremendous pain and you need some serious help in moving on with your life. Sounds like you are stuck in one place.

 

And NO ONE is worth taking your life over. You have kids. You say they have been cheated out of a two-parent family, but you are cheating them out of their mom. You need to set an example for them that they aren't supposed to grow up so dependent on another person to feel validated and wanted. It's been 5 months and you haven't picked yourself up yet. It's past time. Get yourself to a therapist TODAY. And make sure you go at least once a week, if not more. Get out of the house and pursue hobbies. Hang out with your friends.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through so much. But you owe it to yourself and your kids to start making a new, happy life for yourselves. You can't allow your ex's actions to determine your happiness. You are stronger than that. We all know it.

[Cburch]

Im only 3 weeks into my mess, but Im going thru the same thing. I can completely relate to the loving me one day, even on the day he left he said he still loved me and he wasnt leaving because he didnt love me, to him living with someone else. He moved straight out of here in with her. And they dont even know one another.

 

I dont have any advice really, i wish i did. I just wanted you to know you arent alone.

 

 

ME TOO! Same thing. I'm 7 weeks into mine and found out about OW 5 weeks ago. H said he was living with "friends" till the house he was moving into was ready. Now she is living with him! I think he's known OW since mid summer, but it looks like the affair began first of August, according to phone records.

 

I got the "I will always love you", "You deserve better", "I was dying inside", "I'm leaving" speech with no verbal warning. He said I should have known.

 

EJ, you are not alone. Like lost, I don't have any advice of my own yet. Well, actually I KNOW what to do, just can't take my own advice. I do know that I'm tired... tired of worrying, tired of talking, thinking, crying. I want the pain to go away and I miss my best friend, but every day it gets just a smidge better. This morning I barely cried at all.

 

Keep your head up! And take care of yourself.

[2.50 a gallon]

Although this happened 30 years ago, I too went thru a divorce. And like you there were times that I thought it would kill me. I was so low that I actually wondered whether I would ever be able to smile again, forget laughing and being happy, that was never going to happen.

 

At first I thought about her constantly and needed a way to get my mind off of her. When we married I had put my favorite hobby on the back burner, so I went back to that. I found that the time I spent working on my hobby was time that I didn't think about her.

 

The idea was every second that I didn't think about her was a victory, then I needed ways to turn the seconds into minutes, and the minutes into hours.

 

I tried other hobbies, failed at orchd growing, but stuck a cord with raising rare and hard to raise tropical fish. The tanks and water conditions had to be just right, that took time and effort, then once I had fry, they needed special foods that I had to raise.

 

Also, being as I am a guy, who figured someday to get back into the dating scene, I decided to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. Triple reward, as they took longer to prepare, more time, I got a great meal, and yes later they were hits with the ladies.

 

I don't recall how long it took, but all of that helped to put her in the past.

 

What I am trying to say, find something you like to do and do it. Concentrate on raising your kids. Now especially, with the holidays, give them the best Christmas ever, and I don't mean lots of presents, but decorating, hanging lights, baking cookies, Christmas musie, etc. Even though they are babies, they will begin to perceive that this is a special time of the year. And you will be making memories that will last their lifetime.

 

For the record, even though I am retired, I still remember my first Christmas. I was only 8 months old, and it is only one incident, but it is special.

[2.50 a gallon]

ej

 

As a general rule of thumb, cheaters cheat down, and for those of us who have been betrayed, even though it might not happen right away, some day in the future we find someone so much better.

 

It happened to me, for the past 17 years I have been in a relationship with the nicest, sweetest most loving woman that God ever created. And in the looks department she is totally out of my league, but there is no doubt that we are totally in love. Guess who does all of the cooking, my teaching myself how to cook gourmet meals really paid off

 

I have seen this same scenario repeated several times on this board.

 

About 3 years back there was a gal on this list with a 3 year old and to make matter worse, her husband dumped her while she was carrying their second child. Much like you she was really in the dumps. She had to go thru labor with only the support of her family and her LS family. A couple of month after she had her kid she quit posting

 

It was about a year later, when she finally posted again, about the new man in her life.

 

Have faith, it will happen you

[hurt and betrayed]

It's been 3 wks for me and I still cry when someone asks how I am. I use my commute to work to yell and scream so my daughter doesn't see that part of what I'm going thru. I hate that he left our family and went straight to her. He doesnt even call our daughter.

 

Knowing that they are together and feeling like she took my place is unbearable. The hard part is listening to yourself. Looking back on your life together, you will see the problems you've dealt with cause you loved him, but in reality you don't deserve the way he's treated you over the years. I know I'm better off without him, but the hurt is still there. 13 yrs of marriage, but it was not always great!

 

My husband just started calling me again, we were best friends and I know he misses that part of our relationship. We don't talk about what he's done to us, it's just casual talk. It hurts that he's still with her and that he doesn't want to answer any of my questions, but I will do what I have to to keep the peace for our daughter.

 

You need to go thru all the emotions to heal. Talk to friends and family. They will be there for you. They have helped me so much, I think by me talking so much about it, it's helped me. You need to take care of yourself for your kids. Get out with friends or with your kids and try to do things you haven't been able to do.

 

Stay strong, it will get easier!!

[Yasuandio]

You know 2.50 always brings such inspriation and hope. My situation reflects both sides of this dynamic. When one partner neglects the other partner enough - it can backfire on him. When neglecting your woman for years at a time - the issue is an obvious conclusion.

 

I really didn't get to know the gorry details - it is just clear. I don't want to know. As it was hard enough to morn a marriage without that actual visual image and/or "fact" in my mind.

 

The best thing I did was to remove all traces of him from the house to get him out of my system. I also did, and will continue to do everything I can to prevent all details of any clandestine arrangements he has had from being shown or illustrated to me. It is done and over with.

 

I suppose what I am advising you is to stay away from all information that is reminding you of his serious misdeed and betrayal - that only rips you open. If you turn your back - accept it, and do not wallow in it (I am not saying deny it, mind you), - grieve it, feel it - go thru the pain...Eventually, you wil have relief from this pain. But you must protect your heart from being raped over and over again.

 

The hardest thing is to implement the NC and 180. But you must do it for your self esteem, and your healing process. As I'm telling you again, each time you rip it open, the scar will get deeper and more perminent. Start now. Remove everything in sight that is a memory of this man that is betraying you. Give up hope now on the current marriage - for it is over. You must accept that. The tender trust that was between you is now gone. You will always have trepidation where he is concerned.

 

Start a clean page - pull yourself together for your child or children (which I cannot imagine - not being a mother). But it should keep you busy. Scream at noone. Keep your dignity intact. We are here for you. I will keep special watch. Yas

[2sunny]

Have the court order you support money and his visitation!

 

That ought to give him a reality check and you a break!

[ej427]

Everyone here has been so supportive. I wish I would've found this site months ago when all was thinking about was death and giving up. I wanted to die. I thought about shooting myself in our bed we shared together and made love in so many times. I'm so glad that thought is gone. Somehow I made it through those months. I try not to think back to the first few months after he left. It hurts too much. So so much. It feels like I am the only one in the world with this amount of pain inside, but I'm not stupid and realize now that their are others that get through this in one piece.

 

It's not fair! It's wrong for others to treat us this way and not care that we're grieving. It's like he doesn't have any feelings. I don't hate him and he's given me every reason to hate him. Maybe one day I will. But for now I still love him. Maybe it's because we are still legally married or maybe it's because I keep justifying his actions. I keep thinking what if I did this different or changed something about myself. What if I had talked to him more or gave him more attention, complimented him more, bought him more things. But then I end up believing that maybe there was nothing that could've prevented this from happening. He wanted this other woman for whatever reason and would've left no matter what. I really believe he just got bored and I was stupid to think that we were secure enough to get past the hard times and grow old together. He never gave me any clue that he was unhappy, but he was. He never made me feel like I was not enough for him and he would cheat, but he did. He never told me that one day he would take his love away and give it to another woman, but he has.

 

I've been back and forth asking myself should I file for divorce or wait to see if he comes around. I don't know what's right to do. My thoughts are all over the place. I go from love to hate and back to love...Sad to fine then back to sad. I'm so afraid of making a mistake. Hopefully I did the right thing because I spoke to my attorney yesterday and had him draw up papers and I went in and signed them. I tried to be strong, but I broke down in tears while I signed them. I didn't do it for me, but for my children. I guess we'll see what happens next. He should be served in a day or two. I haven't told him. It will be a total surprise and I'm sure he's going to be so mad. Should be interesting seeing how he responds.

[MAD]

I left my first wife but gave a lot of yr before for her to change still was hard .sounds like a selfish guy that needs to think before his actions .I'm leaving my 2nd wife real soon but due to her cheating have 15 yr with her and been draging this out for 2 yr and still have bad days just try and stay centered ur kids need that and if a tear starts to come take a breath gather ur thoughts don't let it overou mabe in time you will get to anger stage that one is where you start to feel strong