Nicsav4 Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Met thinking he was separated, found out it was really just a strained marriage with no communication. 25 years. They stopped trying. He was in my state for business for the summer, we hit it off, I was there when his nephew was killed in Iraq, wife was unemotional and unattached. He was there during my ex overdosing, me getting my Masters degree and did much of thr research for my thesis. Gave me excellent parent advice raising my 2 daughters alone, monetary advice. You name, he was there for me, no questions asked. Became my best friend, confidant, etc. He would arrange his work schedule around mine and we would travel seeing historical sites together, spending long periods of time together driving up the eastern seaboard. We even drove to Nebraska. Twice. I loved him with everything I had. My kids were teenagers and I had made a vow not to bring a man into my life until they were done with high school. Well that time is now, and as it approached I kept pushing him for plans We had looked at homes together, we had gone over financial situations, he knew how much he was going to lose etc. he said he could handle it During the time of our 5 year relationship 5 grandchildren were born. Actually 4, when we met, he had 1. As they grew, and he experienced what it felt like to be a grandfather, it became increasing heavy on his mind that if he left his wife, he would lose the kids and the grand kids He would be seen as the cold hearted )8(&99 that left the poor innocent woman with no skill who had never had a job.... Well, she eventually found an email (after 5 years!) and confronted him. My God, was I shocked when he said they were going to try a trial three month period! I almost died! I had shown him what love was, and told him that he deserved to be treated better..dinner cooked after working all day, be respected for his amazing accomplishments etc. well wouldn't you know...he used my words in a lovely letter to her to explain what had been lacking in the marriage!!!!!! He wanted to keep me as a friend, hinting that he didn't know how it was going to turn out...I flipped and had some really volatile episodes where I called him very nasty names, texted and emailed some very horrible things and he never once fired back at me..... Ugh. So yesterday I finally told him that I had been reading and researching all day and had come to the conclusion that being friends was his was to assuage his guilt about hurting me and initiated NC I am turning to this board and reading other things for support. I would welcome any comments and have a question. Is it probable that this man loved me? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Is it probable that this man loved me? Sorry that you are going through so much pain. Only he knows what love means to him, that is, if he does know. He was leading a double life and clearly split in his feelings between the two lives. I suspect he loved you to some extent, maybe even to the full extent he is capable of. That would not be enough for me and it sounds like it wasn't enough for you. Not everyone is capable of deep love for others. If one is open to it, one's capacity for giving and receiving love can grow considerably over one's lifetime. But some people do not grow in this way. They may be too selfish or too afraid to open up or not capable of the honesty and openness that leads to deeper intimacy and can deepen the love. Living a false life at home for over 5 years must take its toll, and I can't see one's capacity for love growing much under such circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 I am turning to this board and reading other things for support. I would welcome any comments and have a question. Is it probable that this man loved me? First, I'm very sorry for your pain. I do think he probably does love you. I think it's very possible he chose his wife because she is the unknown. He knows you'll accept being put on hold and waiting in line because you've accepted that he's married. With his wife he thinks he has to work harder. I honestly believe that people who keep affairs going, without getting out of one or both of the relationships, really want to stock pile their options. I bet that's what is going on here. If this man believed his marriage could be fixed, he should have tried fixing it and ended the affair without his wife forcing it. Or he should have left. He was not motivated to make any changes because he was content with the affair. Now that he has been forced, and he knows you'll be waiting should he want to come back, that's what he's doing. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It simply means he is one of those people who is fine with an affair and is afraid to make changes. I'm really sorry. I know you must be hurting terribly. The best thing you can do is get over him as quickly as possible so that you are available to meet someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Heather1 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 This might not be such a bad thing? They owe it to each other to try & fix their m, or see if it's even possible. It's better for them to fix or run their m into a ditch w/out you no matter how much it sucks right now for you. He might just spend the time w/ his w & wonder what the hell he was thinking. Or he could continue to string you both along.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Messages like yours make my stomach drop and bring me back to that intense pain of betrayal. Of course he could have worked on the marriage, but why didn't he before? Why get her so into the plans together, why tell her that there's nothing there with the wife? Because they are cowards, that's why. I'm not surprised that he used your words in describing what he wants from her. ExMM is all rekindled and I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to make her do things more like me. The thing is that people are not happy meals, easily replaceable with another one. He will not find you in her. At best he'll find what they had when they fell in love. The only thing you can do is stay NC. He's a lost cause for you at least right now. He needs to go through his issues, and who knows what he'll do? Know that being in contact with him hurts you and your chances to be with him, and do go NC thinking he won't be back. Hug. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 After 5 years I'm pretty sure he had feelings for you, possibly even loved you in some way. I also imagine that after 25 years of marriage he probably loves his wife too, but in a different way then he felt for you. Unfortunately you bought in to his 'poor poor misunderstood married man' routine. You thought you were better than his wife and tried to oust her by stroking his ego and being everything you thought she wasn't. Well she probably has her own lists of grievances against him. He wasn't being the perfect husband to her either and he damn well knows it and thats why he doesn't see her as some evil force that he must escape from. You thought he deserved better than her but maybe he knows that she deserved better from him. I'm sorry you are hurt. He lied to you and strung you along trying to keep both the marriage and the affair going for as long as he could because he is selfish. Now he wants to continue the friendship because he doesn't know if his wife is going to forgive him or if the marriage can be saved so he'd like to know that you will still be there waiting in the wings for him. I understand not wanting to bring a man into your home while you had teenagers and I respect you for that, but I'm not sure why you thought that made it okay for him to stay married to another woman for years. If a man declares his love for me then I expect to be his one and only regardless of our current living situation. If he was saying he loved you and didnt' love his wife then he had no business staying married. Was the plan for him to go right from living with his wife to living with you? That would have been a disaster. People need a time of grieving and a period of adjustment after ending a long term marriage. The last few years you had to spend raising your kids would have been the perfect time for him to leave his marriage, be single and come to terms with things so that he could fully commit to you when the time was right. You will be fine. I know you will hurt and be miserable for a good many days to come but it will pass and your life will go on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Is it probable that this man loved me? Yes, he loves you! He loves you as his OW. But, he also loves his wife. These folks can love two people. All the stories about the wife from hell may be exaggerated. That is why he stays. These guys use the excuse of children, grandchildren, the dog, mortgage, etc. However, the excuses don't matter. He is not leaving the marriage. He was living a double life and within this context looking at homes with you made sense. I am deeply sorry for your loss, but look at it from this point of view. You had five wonderful years. Link to post Share on other sites
RickFox Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 He did love you....... Just not enough. Link to post Share on other sites
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