regret for exposing

[road]

Yes, but under many circustances the BS that find out probably may have inclinations. So there is already some level of expectation. When BS shows up on other BS's door and says your SO has been having an affair with my spouse, it may come as a total shock which can lead to more irrational behaviour.

 

 

Everything has consequences. You dance you have to pay the band.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Why didn't I think of that first. Just get over it!

 

Having sex before marriage is a totally different thing. I knew my XW had sex with different guys BEFORE the marriage. And I accepted that. The images of her with her ex boyfriend were never in my mind.

Not everyone has an open marriage like you do. If you truly loved your wife you would never cheat on her. Obviously your marriage is for convenience only.

 

CantgetoveritNY, If you do not mind me asking why are you guys still together? I mean if she checked out already, and you are on the fence what is keeping you from divorcing? Do you have kids?

I can tell you are still hoping she will come around remorseful. I hope she does. I am still very against divorce, even after my own, which was not my decision. Did you try MC? Or even IC? I would highly suggest it. I have been going to IC for the last 5 months and it helped me immensely to put the things in perspective and to look ahead to my future without her. I'm still not 100% myself, and probably will never be. But it took me 8 months to really turn my head the other way and look forward to a bright future. There are still lots of ups and downs...but less and less downs. When I look at my possible future with my XW if we ever do reconcile (very unlikely) it's the future full of fear that she would do it again. I would have to watch my every step, every word, every action to make sure she does not do it again. I do not deserve that. My future will be better without her, I am sure of that.

 

Yes Loneman we have young kids but that is not what is driving me to consider reconcilliation. If we do not reach a very good reconcilliation for the two of us then it would be better for the kids if we divorce.

 

I think about how we were before the A. I want that or what part of that which could be reclaimed. My WW says all the right things to give me hope. I also have a fear of ending up as BetrayedH, sitting in my own driveway waiting to pick up my own kids. But if we reconcile, I am worried as much about being, for the rest of my life, afraid it would happend again. Afraid that there is more trickle truth coming my way. Disgusted by the mental movies that I can't stop.

 

I've been in IC since I found out. She says she will do MC but not till she does IC for herself. She has not started that. Not good, I know. She is on Rx and her mood swings are better.

[CantgetoveritNY]

Look, everyone can have their own opinion whether the BS should spill the beans to the other BS. That is fine. Just because the majority that post here think they should does not mean my opinion is incorrect, nor that the majority opinion is correct. All situations are not black and white, and black and white advice is what is usually offered up here.

 

Realist3,

 

My WS was in her first A and so she did not realize that the MM was a turd. She thought they were soulmates. The long awaited twin flame. That she was saving him from an evil witch of a wife and long dead marriage. I contacted the MM's wife, not for revenge, but b/c I knew the MM would dump my WS in a second. And he has. He's gone NC for months and my WS is shocked and hurt. She's been to LS and seen that this is an all too common pattern. I wanted her to find out sooner rather than later and used the MM's wife to help me show her the MM's true nature. You think that is wrong?

[Spark1111]

Agreed. The question is the wisdom or purpose of the BS confronting the other BS.

 

Soooo, if you discover your MOW has another, or more, OM besides you, then that's okay as your relationship is with her AND only with her.

 

Okay. So you wouldn't feel you had any right to confront her or them about their lover affair, as it is separate from your relationship with her.

 

See how the partners can grow exponentially? Yep, bodily fluids would be a concern of mine too.

[Realist3]

Soooo, if you discover your MOW has another, or more, OM besides you, then that's okay as your relationship is with her AND only with her.

 

Okay. So you wouldn't feel you had any right to confront her or them about their lover affair, as it is separate from your relationship with her.

 

See how the partners can grow exponentially? Yep, bodily fluids would be a concern of mine too.

 

Exactly, that would be her business, not mine.

[Realist3]

So you had no problem letting your OW enter your BW's marriage yet you deny your BW to do the same back to the OW.

 

Yes. The BW's beef would be solely with me.

[frozensprouts]

Yes. The BW's beef would be solely with me.

 

 

that is your perception of the reality of your situation, and, as such, it can't be disputed as it's how you feel...

 

the question then becomes how your wife would feel if she found out. would she agree with your version of reality and what is acceptable, for her to do or would it be very different? Would she feel justified in contacting your other woman's spouse ( if she has one)? If she wanted to find him and expose her, you may just find that's out of your control ( it's not that hard to find out something like that, if someone really wants to know)...

 

in that case, the "right or wrong" of the situation according to you would become irrelevant...you have no control over that...but I guess that's a risk you're willing to take

[Realist3]

Everyone has the basic right to know the truth about what is happening to their life.

 

That is a very nebulus statement, which actually has next to no meaning in the real world.

 

 

 

When an OM has an affair with a WW he put himself into a couples business. When the BH has his dday it is their right and responsibility to return the favor an enter the OM marriage with the truth and tell the OMW.

 

"Returning the favor" is revenge, no two ways about it. There is no inherent responsibility or right to enter into someone elses relationship.

 

The OM puts the BH health at risk, chance to knock up his WW, and you state that only the OM gets to intrude in other peoples marriages but the BH does not. Not even when Hell freezes over.

 

No, the OM did not put the BH's health at risk, HIS WIFE DID.

 

The only thing you are right is that exposure is not 100% effective to stop affairs. Though it is the most effective tool available and the only tool available to kill affairs.

 

You are talking about coecersion. It may feel good to think you are controlling your partner, but in reality you are not. I want a willing partner, not one I have to keep under lock and key to be with me. Each person chooses their own path, you can't choose it for them.

 

Exposure is not about revenge. Yes it does feel good to see a rat bastard get what is comong to him. Though that is not the purpose of exposure but a consequence of the AP's actions.

 

You must not understand what revenge means. It is seeking revenge justified under the ruse of "truth". Just as affairs are justified by all sorts of excuses, so is revenge under this scenario.

[Realist3]

that is your perception of the reality of your situation, and, as such, it can't be disputed as it's how you feel...

 

the question then becomes how your wife would feel if she found out. would she agree with your version of reality and what is acceptable, for her to do or would it be very different? Would she feel justified in contacting your other woman's spouse ( if she has one)? If she wanted to find him and expose her, you may just find that's out of your control ( it's not that hard to find out something like that, if someone really wants to know)...

 

in that case, the "right or wrong" of the situation according to you would become irrelevant...you have no control over that...but I guess that's a risk you're willing to take

 

She already found out two years ago, and never made one attempt to contact the BH, nor the MOW.

[BetheButterfly]

Here is my story...I will try to make is short.

My XW left me for a MM about 10 months ago. The divorce is finalized.

I just could not let go...feeling hurt, lonely, sad,angry, depressed...you know the feelings.

 

I am sorry.

 

 

Well, my anger got the best out of me. I finally mustered the strength to contact MM's wife. I told her everything, showed her evidence. She contacted my XW and the thing just got ugly. XW tried to call me today couple of times, texted me that I am ruining her life, her family turned against me...And I do not feel good about it. I feel guilty. I was not thinking straight. Everyone always says to expose it, to get it done, it's fair to the other person. But is it worth the pain I am feeling again now? I know my XW is in pain now, but what about the pain I went thru?

Does anyone feel the same after exposing the affair? Is this normal to feel guilty? Remorseful? I thought I would feel better about myself after exposing it. But I do not.

Any kind word or advice would help.:(

Personally, if my husband were cheating on me, I would want to know about it. I would appreciate being told AND being shown evidence, because without evidence, I wouldn't believe it.

 

Also, if I ever would cheat on my husband (which I make sure not to do because I hate cheating and consider it to be poison to Love), I would respect a person who told my husband and showed him evidence, because my husband has the right to make informed choices concerning the woman who he chose to love, someday hopefully have babies with, and grow old with in this journey called life.

 

Both my hubby and I have talked about how if we ever want to be with someone else, we will tear up our marriage papers and divorce first, not cheat. If either of us broke our word, the other has the right to know.

 

I personally think you did the right thing, even though it hurts. Personally, I wish your wife were woman enough to tell you that she wanted to sleep with someone else before doing so, so that you could make the informed decision whether to stay with her or divorce.

[Realist3]

I should ammend that to say confront the OW... They play games against each other on their phones. We all three go to the same personal trainer, which MOW owns. MOW coached my daughter's sports team earlier this year at my request. There is no ill will.

[j'adore]

Oh, before there were only three people in the "circle," the two cheaters and your BS, but now there is "the other BS." Well that makes 4 jacko.

 

I have heard of a love triangle but now we are talking squares (sorry couldn't resist) :D:D

[Realist3]

I never chastised anybody, I simply presented a point of view. You are the one that can't seem to control themself when someone says something you don't agree with. Name calling and labeling people you disagree with really serves no constructive purpose.

[Realist3]

If your wife found out two years ago and is letting things slide then one or more of the following probably applies:

 

1. She doesn't want to disrupt your marriage for financial considerations.

 

2. She has some sort of emotional issues and believes she deserves to be stuck with a cheater.

 

3. She is effing someone on the side, herself--ding ding ding, I think we have a winner.

 

Your wife has probably been cheating on you long before you cheated on her. It was probably a relief when she found out you were too. No sense it upsetting the apple cart.

 

You are wasting too much energy worrying about something you have absolutely no clue about.

[nofool4u]

What is your hangup with body fluids?

 

Because thats the nasty little reality people want to ignore.

 

They want everyone to forget that they are putting other people at risk with their health.

 

So what is her hangup? Oh I don't know, maybe the fact that cheaters risk other people's lives by boning other people. Nah, its just a "mistake", or it doesn't make them a bad person:rolleyes:

[nofool4u]

Yes. The BW's beef would be solely with me.

 

For the most part yes, but not solely. BW has the right to be concerned with a 3rd party that doesn't care if she is helping you to cause your BW pain.

 

Honestly though, what do you care if your BW has a beef with a woman that didn't care she was boning her husband? Trying to protect her?

 

If I were to ever cheat on a significant other, I'd look rather silly saying she has no right to have any animosity towards the interloper.

[Realist3]

She certainly has the right to feel animosity. Anyone has the right to whatever feelings that may occur, whether it be sadness, anger, hatred, etc.

[Ninja'sHusband]

OMG, this thread is ridiculous.

 

You tell because the other BS's life could be in danger from STDs! They are living a lie and don't know it. Their marriage is going more and more south into the land of no return.

 

You are telling someone their house is on fire! Put it out! or Get out! Look! Look! It's not your fault the house is on fire...you're trying to save them! So what if you cause some panic and alarm? Action needs to be taken NOW! A rapist moves into the neighborhood, people are notified..it's uncomfortable but it's for the good of everyone. It took me a while to get it, literally like 50 people screaming it at me, contradicting my therapist who also had the isolationist kinda mentality, "that's them, not you"...but really? You're going to let a nasty situation like that fester? I remember one guy over on the SI forums who was FURIOUS that the other BS didn't tell him. The other BS had gotten a divorce, and the affair continued for like 2 more years until he found out. He was livid at the other BS!

 

And yes, even if it doesn't work, it adds security to your own situation. The truth NEEDS to be known, and the 2 people who are going to care the most are the two BSs. I'll NEVER forget the conversations I had with the other BS. That was soooo important. And it sure as hell made me feel more secure that things weren't going to resume with the OMW breathing down OM's neck.

 

Motive matters to me in how you handle it. If you are going for revenge you might call them yelling, or reveal in a public place...the most shocking and damaging way possible. When I revealed I took every precaution to make it as humane as possible. I felt horrible afterwards, but I am now certain it was the RIGHT THING TO DO.

 

And if you would have left your BS for telling the truth and helping someone else out of dark pit of corruption and hell...then you don't deserve to be marred.....

Edited November 30, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[Ninja'sHusband]

Also what happens when you end up with a wife pregnant with someone else's child, what then?? Shouldn't you have been told? What if your husband has to start paying child support for another woman's child, and spend time coparenting? Wouldn't she have wanted to be warned? Throw multiple STDs on that fire like in another recent thread...

 

THis is really serious stuff.. It RIPS families apart like it did mine. YOu don't sit by and watch families burn to the ground. It's wrong.

[j'adore]

You very clearly and very repeatedly chastised any and all BSs who choose to inform the other, unknowing BS about the affair. In fact your entire participation in this thread has been nothing other than a giant threadjack to keep pounding on that drum. You characterized such BSs as motivated by "vengeance" and sticking their nose in someone else's business.

 

.................

.....................

 

He is not theadjacking, it is all the vultures who disagree with his opinion, making him the subject of this thread, as always happens (sigh). This is not about Realist's situation - back off. Make your opinions for the OP otherwise this thread will no doubt get pulled.

[Realist3]

Like I said I never chastised the OP, I simply stated and opinion you didn't agree with and then got upset that I did so. In fact YOU were the one that attacked me.

 

This thread was/is not about me. People asked questions about my opinion, and I answered them. Nothing more, nothing less.

[road]

If realist seriously believes what he has been saying he obviously is cognitively impaired.

 

He has some form of aphasia or dyslexia, I don't know what you would call it, where he just can't see how silly it is for him to 1) interfere with someone else's marriage by having an affair with a married affair partner, yet 2) chastise a BS for telling the other BS about the affair because it's "interfering" with the other marriage; 3) expect anyone else to find his reasoning such as it is anything other than completely silly and off the wall.

 

I guess maybe he thinks his affair with the OW has zero impact on the OW's marriage?

 

If so, it won't matter if realist's BS spills the beans.

 

Just illogical all the way around.

 

 

To add he has no problem violating another mans marriage putting his tool into another mans wife and depositing fluid inside her body.

 

But opposes his BW from putting 6 words into their marrige: my WH is f'ing your wife.

[j'adore]

Sure you did, and any other BS who advised the other BS, saying what OP did was "vengeful." You also completely threadjacked by talking about your own marital situation and your own affair.

No, I attacked your actions of being a cheater and a liar and having the hypocrisy to repeatedly criticize the OP simply for being honest, by equating his honesty with "vengeful."

Exactly, it's not. That's why talking about your own marriage and affair and basically criticizing the OP to justify your own horrible conduct constitutes a threadjack.

No one asked you to justify your affair nor your insistence that your wife was not permitted to disclose it to the other BS.

Do you see anywhere in any of my posts in this thread that I said anything about my relationship situation? No, because it's not relevant at all.

 

Next time when you state an opinion pertaining to someone else's thread you could try being a mite less self-centered about it.

 

Thanks.

 

Ok I get it, you have started very personal attacks here, time to leave and get help Spit

[Realist3]

Sure you did, and any other BS who advised the other BS, saying what OP did was "vengeful." You also completely threadjacked by talking about your own marital situation and your own affair.

 

 

 

No, I attacked your actions of being a cheater and a liar and having the hypocrisy to repeatedly criticize the OP simply for being honest, by equating his honesty with "vengeful."

 

 

 

 

Exactly, it's not. That's why talking about your own marriage and affair and basically criticizing the OP to justify your own horrible conduct constitutes a threadjack.

 

 

 

No one asked you to justify your affair nor your insistence that your wife was not permitted to disclose it to the other BS.

 

Do you see anywhere in any of my posts in this thread that I said anything about my relationship situation? No, because it's not relevant at all.

 

Next time when you state an opinion pertaining to someone else's thread you could try being a mite less self-centered about it.

 

Thanks.

 

So you basically just admitted that YOU made the thread about me.

 

The thread is about exposure. I stated an opinion and why I feel the way I do. YOU are the one that decided it was necessary to comment on my actions.

[woinlove]

So you basically just admitted that YOU made the thread about me.

 

The thread is about exposure. I stated an opinion and why I feel the way I do. YOU are the one that decided it was necessary to comment on my actions.

 

Actually this thead is NOT about exposure. It is about loneman and how he is feeling, given the circumstances he was handed and how he dealt with them.

 

Loneman, I think you did well and am happy to hear that you are feeling better about your decision. No one else here is exactly in your shoes and, of course, those who are involved in affairs typically speak out against telling the truth.