regret for exposing

[loneman]

And last I checked the OP said he regreted it, so I don't really see your point. I agreed with him.

 

I do not regret it any more. It was the initial blow...but now I feel a lot better, thank you very much.

[Artie Lang]

furthermore, when you have an affair,you inadvertly bring the "other" spouse into the mix.

 

you're very naive to think it(affair) consists of only you and your AP. you might be bangin' your brains out with said woman, but both of you have to come home to reality when all the fun is done.....that being your respective spouses.

 

i don't see you as cheating, btw. you're in a one-sided "open marriage." can't say the same for your AP's spouse.

[Realist3]

Providing the truth. What she does with it is her decision.

 

Look - we ALL get it. Cheaters protect each other's right to sneak around like snakes in the grass. I hate to break it to you, but the rest of us don't feel the need to protect the dishonest.

 

You hide behind the guise of the truth. There are a lot of "truths" that never come to light. Who crowned you King/Queen of truthiness?

 

What all of you are avoiding is the true motivation behind the action, and that is revenge.

[Decorative]

Why do you think it is your position to disclose that truth?

 

Because I'm cool like that?

 

*kidding*

 

Because it is the right thing to do. Being betrayed is one of the most mentally harmful things that can happen to a person. It can also put their very life and health and risk. And as a former betrayed spouse, I understand the level of crazy making that goes with it. Nobody deserves to live a lie. If Injave knowledge that changes it- I will gladly share it, because it is the right thing to do. To prevent harm.

 

I understand your wife says she did not want to know. I understand that when she found out she apparently didn't care much. In my life- the betrayed spouses I have encountered have been heartbroken because they loved their spouse and were hurt deeply by the betrayal.

 

if your wife was not, I cannot pretend to understand the dynamics of your relationship.

 

But if I told her you were cheating, and she didn't care, then I still did the right thing by telling her. What she chooses to do with the info is her choice.

[Realist3]

furthermore, when you have an affair,you inadvertly bring the "other" spouse into the mix.

 

you're very naive to think it(affair) consists of only you and your AP. you might be bangin' your brains out with said woman, but both of you have to come home to reality when all the fun is done.....that being your respective spouses.

 

i don't see you as cheating, btw. you're in a one-sided "open marriage." can't say the same for your AP's spouse.

 

Yep would not be good for her. The only reason she got involved was because he cheated in her first for 7 years. She doesn't have much remorse for her realtionship with him, but that have a family that must remain intact.

[loneman]

You hide behind the guise of the truth. There are a lot of "truths" that never come to light. Who crowned you King/Queen of truthiness?

 

What all of you are avoiding is the true motivation behind the action, and that is revenge.

 

Call it whatever you want, it was my CHOICE to expose it, no one else's. No third party involved in my decision. I stand behind it, not hiding, but standing behind it.

But I am not going to waste my time on you. You are a person of no integrity or moral values, and people like you do not deserve any of my time. Don't bother to reply to me, don't care about your opinion.

[Realist3]

Call it whatever you want, it was my CHOICE to expose it, no one else's. No third party involved in my decision. I stand behind it, not hiding, but standing behind it.

But I am not going to waste my time on you. You are a person of no integrity or moral values, and people like you do not deserve any of my time. Don't bother to reply to me, don't care about your opinion.

 

 

As long as you are happy with your decision, good for you.

[loneman]

She's not in a fog. She's a con artist. I'll bet if you ever really think about everything that happened in her relationship with you, through the years, there were many red flags that went overlooked but in hindsight they might be a lot more visible. All you need to do next time she tries it is sort of smile, shake your head, laugh a little and say: "Don't you get it babe? That dog won't hunt any longer. Your con doesn't work on me any more. I'm on to it. Finally." Once she realizes you really mean it you will see the expressions change and wash over her face as she tries different manipulative masks and emotions--tears/anger/fear/flirt/violence etc etc. These manipulative con artists will switch masks like lightening. It's all a fake. It always was all a fake.

 

 

 

 

Of course, of course...now some of the details of the family dynamic are being filled in. Financially irresponsible/incompetent parents. You probably don't know any of the real details of their financial affairs and they probably cried that Bank of America screwed them over or something. The reality is they are probably con artists who engaged in mortgage fraud over and over as they continually milked the equity from their property, spent it on fancy cars, boats, jewelry, and trips to Vegas, and then defaulted. Then of course they moved in/ mooched in with the willing and dutiful son in law, now repaying you by turning on your like a savage pack of dogs.

 

 

 

 

You only THINK it was "your idea." These people are really really good at what they do, aren't they.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why am I not surprised???

 

 

 

 

 

They got vacations too??? Vacations from what??? Shouldn't they have been using that vacation money to repay their creditors, or you???

 

These fools sound like the most dishonest entitled people around. No surprise they raised a daughter just like themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well you shouldn't be surprised that they "treated you like this," i.e. screwed you over, since that's obviously there standard op procedure--take advantage of others, milk it for all it's work, them when you turn your back kick you down in the mud and anally rape you.

 

They effed over their mortgage lender, they defaulted on their home, they freeloaded off you for three years, let you pay for vacations for their worthless sorry azzes, why would you think they have a shred of honor in them???

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's what grifters typically do when they have maxed out their return on whatever con job they are running. They got what they could out of you, and that's all you ever were to them, someone they could take advantage of. Now it's on to the next con.

 

It also becomes clear why they would be so upset when you disclosed the truth. It's not that they have any pride, it's that if the word gets around that they are a bunch of cheats, liars, and con artists, it makes it all the more difficult to run the scam on the next victim.

 

 

 

 

 

No, their only concern is how much money the OM has and figuring out a way to get their hooks into him and extract as much value for themselves as they can.

 

I still have respect for my ex in laws. Yes, they did make mistakes, don't we all? I really do care to have normal relationship with them, after all they are my kids great-parents, and I want my kids to know that and to learn from me. I want to be a bigger man. I believe they don't know the whole truth. She might be feeding them with lies only to justify her behavior. It's human nature. I can't hold grudges...well I can against the OM . They might not be perfect, I know I am not. But I honestly hope they can look beyond this and understand the reasons why I did it.

[Steen719]

I am glad to hear this Loneman. It is one of the hardest things to do is to see clearly when you are being spun around like you are in the spin cycle. You haven't done anything to be ashamed of. I do get that you might feel the "what ifs". I don't think you would be human if you did not feel that way. Keep making steps forward...just be aware that you might slid back occasionally but in the end you will the one who can look in mirror without regret.

 

Good, Loneman. I agree, now just go forward.

 

We do not know what is another person's mind, but I think most people would want to know if their spouse is cheating on them. Realist may not want to know if his wife is cheating on him and that maybe her affair partner has an STD and that now he has it,courtesy of his cheating wife - oh no (because my guess is that most of us did not routinely get tested). But, I think most people would want to be aware that just MIGHT be a possibility.

 

Let's see - my gift from XH was genital warts. His gift gave me abnormal paps (as a precursor to cancer) and then finally a total hysterectomy, but hey, a gift is a gift, right?

 

Anyway, Loneman, she (OM's wife) has knowledge that she did not have and you feel OK about it and that is what you were aiming for. Good luck.

[Decorative]

I still have respect for my ex in laws. Yes, they did make mistakes, don't we all? I really do care to have normal relationship with them, after all they are my kids great-parents, and I want my kids to know that and to learn from me. I want to be a bigger man. I believe they don't know the whole truth. She might be feeding them with lies only to justify her behavior. It's human nature. I can't hold grudges...well I can against the OM . They might not be perfect, I know I am not. But I honestly hope they can look beyond this and understand the reasons why I did it.

 

I exposed to my inlaws, and others.

 

It came out later that my inlaws had known all along. Had even had the OW in their home.

 

As a cautionary tale, I would consider the possibility that perhaps they knew what their daughter was up to, and were not surprised at all. My in laws pretended to be surprised when I packed his stuff up and dropped it on their porch. As it turned out? They knew.

[loneman]

I exposed to my inlaws, and others.

 

It came out later that my inlaws had known all along. Had even had the OW in their home.

 

As a cautionary tale, I would consider the possibility that perhaps they knew what their daughter was up to, and were not surprised at all. My in laws pretended to be surprised when I packed his stuff up and dropped it on their porch. As it turned out? They knew.

 

Yes it would hurt if I found out that they knew, but the truth is I do not care any more. They are the ones who would have to live with it...look at themselves in the mirror...look at their grandkids eyes. So, I think it will be harder for them than it is for me to move on with life. Either way, I want to have a normal relationship with them. And I do not mean spending holiday together and doing the family activities (even though I would consider it at some point later), but just being able to say hi to them without any animosity.

[Decorative]

Yes it would hurt if I found out that they knew, but the truth is I do not care any more. They are the ones who would have to live with it...look at themselves in the mirror...look at their grandkids eyes. So, I think it will be harder for them than it is for me to move on with life. Either way, I want to have a normal relationship with them. And I do not mean spending holiday together and doing the family activities (even though I would consider it at some point later), but just being able to say hi to them without any animosity.

 

That is an admirable goal. That attitude will serve you well.

[frozensprouts]

the husband of a friend of mine was cheating on her, and she didn't know...

turns out, the girl he was sleeping with gave him syphilis, which he passed on to his wife ( and no, condoms don't completely protect against anything)...

 

she finally found out because someone told her what was going on, and she got tested...what a nasty surprise she got! if you ask me, she's damned lucky someone "stuck their nose in", as syphilis an kill, and by the time many people find out about it, it's too late to treat...

 

interestingly enough, if the provincial health authority had found out that her husband's other woman had tested positive for syphilis, they would have contacted him, and his wife as well to let them know...funny that's not considered "sticking their nose in"...

 

it's not always revenge that makes someone want to tell...it's often a desire to save someone else from the pain you've gone through yourself

[Spark1111]

hold yourhead up high.Smile, be kind and be gracious. Be you at all times.

 

Remember, it is not in the telling that heir is shame, it is in the doing, the actions, the ones that can't be taken away, that the shame lies......

 

Stay strong. You will me never regret it

telling the truth. It IS the honorable thing to do.

[loneman]

the husband of a friend of mine was cheating on her, and she didn't know...

turns out, the girl he was sleeping with gave him syphilis, which he passed on to his wife ( and no, condoms don't completely protect against anything)...

 

she finally found out because someone told her what was going on, and she got tested...what a nasty surprise she got! if you ask me, she's damned lucky someone "stuck their nose in", as syphilis an kill, and by the time many people find out about it, it's too late to treat...

 

interestingly enough, if the provincial health authority had found out that her husband's other woman had tested positive for syphilis, they would have contacted him, and his wife as well to let them know...funny that's not considered "sticking their nose in"...

 

it's not always revenge that makes someone want to tell...it's often a desire to save someone else from the pain you've gone through yourself

 

Ouch!

Thank God stupidity and immorality is not an STD. Most of us here would be infected by our cheating spouses.

[Stephanie]

If your post does not relate to the original topic then don't be surprised when you get an infraction

 

Thanks

[Realist3]

If your post does not relate to the original topic then don't be surprised when you get an infraction

 

Thanks

 

I wasn't meaning to hijack, just responded to questions.

[mercy]

Here is my story...I will try to make is short.

My XW left me for a MM about 10 months ago. The divorce is finalized.

I just could not let go...feeling hurt, lonely, sad,angry, depressed...you know the feelings.

Well, my anger got the best out of me. I finally mustered the strength to contact MM's wife. I told her everything, showed her evidence. She contacted my XW and the thing just got ugly. XW tried to call me today couple of times, texted me that I am ruining her life, her family turned against me...And I do not feel good about it. I feel guilty. I was not thinking straight. Everyone always says to expose it, to get it done, it's fair to the other person. But is it worth the pain I am feeling again now? I know my XW is in pain now, but what about the pain I went thru?

Does anyone feel the same after exposing the affair? Is this normal to feel guilty? Remorseful? I thought I would feel better about myself after exposing it. But I do not.

Any kind word or advice would help.:(

 

You have given her a gift. She just doesn't know/see it at the moment. Too much pain.

 

But with pain comes growth. With truth comes freedom, no matter what she chooses. She now has her choices back and you have given that to her. Thank you. She now has her power back.. good on you!

 

Doing the right thing is NEVER easy or it would be done more often, more easily. Doing the right thing is difficult, heart wrenching, but you did it.

 

May many blessings come your way for doing the right thing.

 

Truth, no matter how it hurts in the moment, no matter how it is given sets a person free.

 

Free to choose their own path. Power. You gave her power.

[nofool4u]

Well, my anger got the best out of me. I finally mustered the strength to contact MM's wife. I told her everything, showed her evidence. She contacted my XW and the thing just got ugly. XW tried to call me today couple of times, texted me that I am ruining her life

 

Bulls**t. She ruined her own life. And you can't ruin the life of a cheater and homewrecker. That ship already sailed.

 

You did the right thing. The MM's wife had a right to know her husband is screwing your X.

 

 

her family turned against me

 

 

Who cares? Do you? They turned against you for telling the truth? They should be ashamed of their daughter and sister.

 

 

And I do not feel good about it. I feel guilty. I was not thinking straight. Everyone always says to expose it, to get it done, it's fair to the other person. But is it worth the pain I am feeling again now? I know my XW is in pain now, but what about the pain I went thru?

 

Why are you in pain that you gave the MM's wife the information she deserved to have? This woman CHEATED on you. You think she gave a s**t about your pain?

 

Is it the pain of her family turning against you? F' em. Is it because she is now finally getting the hurt she has caused you? F' her.

 

Look I don't want to downplay your feelings on the matter, or try to make you think you aren't truly feeling them, but I just have to ask, why do YOU feel guilty? What has this woman said to you to deflect blame from her onto you?

[nofool4u]

Now I hurt a lot of people

 

No, your x-wife and MM hurt alot of people. Your revelation of the truth is not the cause.

 

 

Her parents, whom I do care about, are hurt. Telling me to stay away from them.

 

They are hurt because of what THEIR DAUGHTER did. If they are pissed at you now, it just goes to show you shouldn't want their friendship anyway. Even though that is there daughter, they shouldn't be pissed at you. They can support their cheating daughter, but it should be her actions that they are mad about.

[Decorative]

Since you do have children who will be exposed to these people, it's your obligation to care if they are toxic grandparents.

 

Do you really think it will be good for your children to put them in a situation where they are being lied to by and you are being demonized to them by your ex-in-laws?

 

This is a good point to consider- and you must watch carefully. The high road approach gets mistaken sometimes for putting yourself in a clear position to get shot at. You have a good and positive attitude- and it will serve you well, but do not take your eyes off the ball. Watch and listen.

 

My children and I have no contact with my inlaws. My spouse sees them occasionally in a limited manner. But there has been dysfunction there for a long long time prior to the affair and our choice to reconcile.

[loneman]

Bulls**t. She ruined her own life. And you can't ruin the life of a cheater and homewrecker. That ship already sailed.

 

You did the right thing. The MM's wife had a right to know her husband is screwing your X.

 

Who cares? Do you? They turned against you for telling the truth? They should be ashamed of their daughter and sister.

 

Why are you in pain that you gave the MM's wife the information she deserved to have? This woman CHEATED on you. You think she gave a s**t about your pain?

 

Is it the pain of her family turning against you? F' em. Is it because she is now finally getting the hurt she has caused you? F' her.

 

Look I don't want to downplay your feelings on the matter, or try to make you think you aren't truly feeling them, but I just have to ask, why do YOU feel guilty? What has this woman said to you to deflect blame from her onto you?

 

I agree with you completely. My feeling of guilt was short lived. Now I feel good about it. It's like the circle is finally closed.

I do not give rat's @ss who is mad at me. Could not care less. I understand that they have to project their anger on someone, and since they do not know the OM the easiest target is me. But, deep down they know who is to blame.

[Snowflower]

I agree with you completely. My feeling of guilt was short lived. Now I feel good about it. It's like the circle is finally closed.

I do not give rat's @ss who is mad at me. Could not care less. I understand that they have to project their anger on someone, and since they do not know the OM the easiest target is me. But, deep down they know who is to blame.

 

Okay, its good that you have reached this point. It is obvious you still care for your XW because you hated to cause her distress (even though it was all her doing and a consequence of her sh*tty choices) and that is okay that you feel/felt that way. It shows you are a good man.

 

If her family is upset with you, too bad. And since she is your ex, does it really matter? I can't remember if you and your ex have children together? If so, then take the high road, be polite but that is it. If not, then don't worry about it.

[loneman]

Okay, its good that you have reached this point. It is obvious you still care for your XW because you hated to cause her distress (even though it was all her doing and a consequence of her sh*tty choices) and that is okay that you feel/felt that way. It shows you are a good man.

 

If her family is upset with you, too bad. And since she is your ex, does it really matter? I can't remember if you and your ex have children together? If so, then take the high road, be polite but that is it. If not, then don't worry about it.

 

Yes we have two boys, 5 & 7. And the hardest thing for me is being the part time parent thanks to her stupid choices. But I am taking the high road. Not communicating with her at all, only through email and only about the kids. They will be with me for the next 4 days since she is going out of town for a convention. OM is going too, and to be honest it does bother me a little. But she told everyone they are not together any longer...probably another lie. I am just wqiting for a day when she is going to fall flat on her ass so I can have that satisfaction of karma in action. She has no money, drained her 401K. Owes back taxes....and my life is starting to go back on track. Got a raise recently...going back to school to get my degree.

Yes, life is good. :-)

[Snowflower]

I am just wqiting for a day when she is going to fall flat on her ass so I can have that satisfaction of karma in action. She has no money, drained her 401K. Owes back taxes....and my life is starting to go back on track. Got a raise recently...going back to school to get my degree.

Yes, life is good. :-)

 

I'm sorry that you have to split parenting time now with your cheating xW and don't get to be around your boys all the time. That just sucks.

 

As for the karma/consequences/fallout, yep, I think it comes around. Maybe not exactly in the way you would expect but IMO you can't do something so wrong (like cheating) and not avoid paying some type of retribution for it at some point.