regret for exposing

[loneman]

THis is what men just don't understand. Women, on average, don't go for looks or muscles or hair...so much as CONVERSATION. To be heard. To be listened to. To be wanted.

 

The ugliest slub on the planet can get a girl, if he comes across as concerned, caring, interested.

 

I understand that and agree with it. But beleive it or not she had that in me. We always had a good conversations, and XW admitted to this recently. When she first met the OM she could not stand working with him b/c of his ego and manipulating ways....her words. But I guess he was persistent and in the end got into her pants.

[j'adore]

Maybe she feels you aren't really a threat to her marriage and doesn't care that much that he's getting laid on the side.

 

We are in love if you know what that is. And that is a big threat believe me. If it was sex maybe not..

[Owl]

No, it is not a non sequitur at all. You and your spouse have your bond. Your bond is not with the MW or MW or their BS's or whomever. Your business, your pain resides with those you have made your bond.

 

Yes, that other person came into your "house" your "bond" at the invitation of your significant other. That is where your beef lies.

 

This is where you and I don't see eye to eye.

 

Telling the other BS has nothing to do with hurting them.

 

The "hurt" comes from their spouse, and the person who chose to sleep with said spouse.

 

Refusing to see that, and insisting instead that the "hurt" is being informed and then somehow becomes the fault of the person informing them of this action and subsequent is 'non sequiter'.

 

Again...don't confuse the source of the pain. It's not being told...it's what happened. And again...you're being told this by any number of other BS's who would be in the best position to decide what that 'source of the pain' was. Refusing to see this is only a form of rationalization and self-deception.

[j'adore]

I do not know your story, but why did you tell her? Did your MM treat you badly, or ended it so you were bitter? No judgment here, just trying to understand.

 

He told me she knew he was having an affair as he had told her, so I asked her if she knew as I had cause to not believe him over something (long story).

 

Three months post d day it turns out she did know and did nothing. We are still together. If I can help you, pm me, there are some people on here like to have a dig. But I am trying to help you.

[j'adore]

This is where you and I don't see eye to eye.

 

Telling the other BS has nothing to do with hurting them.

 

The "hurt" comes from their spouse, and the person who chose to sleep with said spouse.

 

Refusing to see that, and insisting instead that the "hurt" is being informed and then somehow becomes the fault of the person informing them of this action and subsequent is 'non sequiter'.

 

Again...don't confuse the source of the pain. It's not being told...it's what happened. And again...you're being told this by any number of other BS's who would be in the best position to decide what that 'source of the pain' was. Refusing to see this is only a form of rationalization and self-deception.

 

 

Yes it is the old expression ''don't shoot the messenger'' but I really believe that it is quite common not to be believed and to be thought of as crazy when there are deep emotions involved.

[Realist3]

This is where you and I don't see eye to eye.

 

Telling the other BS has nothing to do with hurting them.

 

The "hurt" comes from their spouse, and the person who chose to sleep with said spouse.

 

Refusing to see that, and insisting instead that the "hurt" is being informed and then somehow becomes the fault of the person informing them of this action and subsequent is 'non sequiter'.

 

Again...don't confuse the source of the pain. It's not being told...it's what happened. And again...you're being told this by any number of other BS's who would be in the best position to decide what that 'source of the pain' was. Refusing to see this is only a form of rationalization and self-deception.

 

We will certainly have to disagree because it does not fit the definition of non sequitur.

 

My point is that the source of the pain comes from your own spouse and what THEY decided to do.

 

You know full well what informing the BS will do, inflict the pai nthat was caused them by their SO. Informing the BS does not change your situation. It does not make your situation any better. All it does is inflict pain on someone else.

[Realist3]

Yes it is the old expression ''don't shoot the messenger'' but I really believe that it is quite common not to be believed and to be thought of as crazy when there are deep emotions involved.

 

What is the motivation of the messenger and how does that in any way impact their problem they have in their own house?

[Realist3]

The decision to inform the BS is more based on some perceived moral duty or revenge.

[jja470]

The decision to inform the BS is more based on some perceived moral duty or revenge.

 

Ooooo, the dreaded 'M' word! Actually, I think it's more the 'I' word that makes people feel good about removing the deceit from someone else's life.

[Owl]

We will certainly have to disagree because it does not fit the definition of non sequitur.

 

My point is that the source of the pain comes from your own spouse and what THEY decided to do.

 

You know full well what informing the BS will do, inflict the pai nthat was caused them by their SO. Informing the BS does not change your situation. It does not make your situation any better. All it does is inflict pain on someone else.

 

And having lived that lie of being lied to and decieved by a spouse who was having an EA with someone else...and then learning the truth (and feeling the pain of that knowledge), I know first hand that the pain of being informed, compared to the pain of trying to figure it out without that information was minimal.

 

This is not only how I felt...but how the vast majority of other BS's have indicated that they felt.

 

So far, the only proponents to the "don't tell" theory are the ones who HAVE NOT been in a position to have experienced this first hand, as far as I can tell.

 

So it is indeed "non sequiter" to follow the 'logic' behind your viewpoint.

 

Can you explain to me why all of these BS's are actually the ones suggesting that the other BS be told, if in fact they agreed with you as to the "source of the pain"? How do you reconcile their experience and viewpoint against yours?

[Owl]

The decision to inform the BS is more based on some perceived moral duty or revenge.

 

Completely incorrect.

 

The reason all of the BS's here are suggesting that the other BS be told is because they believe...through their own experience of having been through this themselves...that the other BS would typically want to know the truth.

 

There are rare exceptions, granted. But there are those for virtually everything else in the world as well.

[Chi townD]

And the wise ol' Owl has spoken!!!

[CantgetoveritNY]

Well, I did what i did before I asked anyone for advice. And I am glad I did it.

There are too many questions here. Is your wife still with OM? If she is I would definetely expose it. Is she remorseful, is the OM remorseful? If not I would expose.

Are you trying to reconcile? I do not know much about your story so I cant give you much advice.

What do you feel deep down in your gut is the right thing to do?

 

Well I definitely think the right thing to do is report this. To protect others. And I almost certainly will. The only reason I hesitate is that it might cause my wife pain and public humiliation. I'm also just a bit concerned that it gives me such pleasure to report him. To cause him pain and trouble. I wish I could say the only reason I'm doing this is to protect others. The OM is certainly not sorry. My wife, I don't know.

 

About my wanting to reconcile, I certainly do. But I don't know if I can get over what she did. I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy.

[loneman]

Well I definitely think the right thing to do is report this. To protect others. And I almost certainly will. The only reason I hesitate is that it might cause my wife pain and public humiliation. I'm also just a bit concerned that it gives me such pleasure to report him. To cause him pain and trouble. I wish I could say the only reason I'm doing this is to protect others. The OM is certainly not sorry. My wife, I don't know.

 

About my wanting to reconcile, I certainly do. But I don't know if I can get over what she did. I can't stop thinking about it. It's driving me crazy.

 

What that doctor did is very wrong on different levels. I can not tell you go ahead and report it or don't. Only you know the right answer for this.

You were given a gift that I wish I had, and that is possible reconciliation with your wife. I was ready to forgive my XW and try over again. I knew it would not be easy going forward, but now in hindsight I think the thought of her being with OM, sleeping with him, telling him intimate secrets...it would be a lot longer road to recovery for me. Something I would have to live for the rest of my life. Always checking her up, her email, phone, wondering what she is doing when she goes on a business trip. It would eat me up inside. Now that I am done with her I still have the thoughts of them two together but they are a lot less frequent. I know I will find a woman who can love me for what I am. I have no regrets for not trying harder, for not exposing it sooner. I am surpriaed that your wife shows no remorse or guilt. She feels worse if you expose them than about hurting you. And that is what bugs me. Same crap as my XW. She did not feel bad about cheating, ending the marriage, splitting the family...but she was upset when I told his wife....wtf?!

[Realist3]

You should not concern yourself with the BS's motives since you have no bond with them.

 

If it is my BS, then I most certainly do have a bond with them.

[Realist3]

But you just got done explaining that the BS who knows about the affair has no bonds or obligations to the other BS. That would logically mean the BS who knows about it, has no obligation to refrain from telling the other BS, and the motives are irrelevant.

 

Their motives are totally relevant. They know what they are doing will inflict pain. If my wife had decided to go running to my MW's BS, I would have left her right then and there as it would have been an evident act of revenge.

[CantgetoveritNY]

You were given a gift that I wish I had, and that is possible reconciliation with your wife. I was ready to forgive my XW and try over again. I knew it would not be easy going forward, but now in hindsight I think the thought of her being with OM, sleeping with him, telling him intimate secrets...it would be a lot longer road to recovery for me. Something I would have to live for the rest of my life. Always checking her up, her email, phone, wondering what she is doing when she goes on a business trip. It would eat me up inside. Now that I am done with her I still have the thoughts of them two together but they are a lot less frequent. I know I will find a woman who can love me for what I am. I have no regrets for not trying harder, for not exposing it sooner. I am surpriaed that your wife shows no remorse or guilt. She feels worse if you expose them than about hurting you. And that is what bugs me. Same crap as my XW. She did not feel bad about cheating, ending the marriage, splitting the family...but she was upset when I told his wife....wtf?!

 

Is reconciliation really a great gift? As you say, I will live the rest of my life wondering if she will cheat again. I will have mental movies of them together every time I see her naked. Is that all that better than to lose her to him?

 

I'm not surprised about my WW's lack of care about my feelings. As one poster said on another thread, she checked out of the mariage long before she cheated. Just to have the EA prior to the PA she had to be unsatisfied with me emotionally. To actually engage in the A she had to hate me. So now, while no longer thinking she hates me, I doubt she loves me and so she does not care about my pain. Maybe someday she will if we reconcile.

[Realist3]

I will have mental movies of them together every time I see her naked.

 

I hate to sound unfeeling, but you have to get over that. Maybe and and your W were each other's first. But most people have had sex with other people before they were married. If your spouse wants to be with you after this has been exposed then let it go in your mind.

[Realist3]

It makes their situation better since they have the truth about the affair.

 

No. You have no idea what their situations, dymanics or anything to do with their relationship are. Yet you are placing yourself into it. Totally wrong on every count.

[Realist3]

Someone said that telling the other BS ensures that the A won't continue. That is not true. You are not the Mommy or Daddy over your spouse and they will do what they so wish, as they have already proven. If the affair partners decide to continue then the decision is in your court. You can't make someone do what they don't want to do.

[loneman]

I hate to sound unfeeling, but you have to get over that. Maybe and and your W were each other's first. But most people have had sex with other people before they were married. If your spouse wants to be with you after this has been exposed then let it go in your mind.

 

Why didn't I think of that first. Just get over it!

 

Having sex before marriage is a totally different thing. I knew my XW had sex with different guys BEFORE the marriage. And I accepted that. The images of her with her ex boyfriend were never in my mind.

Not everyone has an open marriage like you do. If you truly loved your wife you would never cheat on her. Obviously your marriage is for convenience only.

 

CantgetoveritNY, If you do not mind me asking why are you guys still together? I mean if she checked out already, and you are on the fence what is keeping you from divorcing? Do you have kids?

I can tell you are still hoping she will come around remorseful. I hope she does. I am still very against divorce, even after my own, which was not my decision. Did you try MC? Or even IC? I would highly suggest it. I have been going to IC for the last 5 months and it helped me immensely to put the things in perspective and to look ahead to my future without her. I'm still not 100% myself, and probably will never be. But it took me 8 months to really turn my head the other way and look forward to a bright future. There are still lots of ups and downs...but less and less downs. When I look at my possible future with my XW if we ever do reconcile (very unlikely) it's the future full of fear that she would do it again. I would have to watch my every step, every word, every action to make sure she does not do it again. I do not deserve that. My future will be better without her, I am sure of that.

[Realist3]

Why is the motive of the BS, who discloses to the other BS, "relevant" to the first BS's wayward spouse? That wayward spouse has no bond to the other BS. If WS's BS discloses the affair to the other BS, and (according to you) causing them pain, then it is none of your concern, since you are not in a relationship with the other BS. This is according to my understanding of your line of reasoning.

 

Because the relationship of the other BS with their spouse does not concern them in any way. It is none of their business.

 

 

 

 

 

Even assuming the first BS inflicts pain on the second BS by disclosing the affair, that's not the concern of the first BS's wayward spouse, since that wayward spouse has no bond with his affair partner's betrayed spouse. This is again according to your line of reasoning.

 

This deals with motivation, and that motivation is based on revenge.

 

 

 

 

 

Why? You had no relationship to or bond with your affair partner's betrayed spouse.

 

Because it would have served no purpose but to destroy someone elses life. A willful act of destruction that need not take place. You are focusing energy outside of what should be your focus, your owm relationship. It serves no constructive purpose.

[Realist3]

Sometimes it interrupts the affair, doesn't it? If not--why all the angst about it?

 

 

 

 

That's right. They will do as they wish. So what is the big deal?

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly. Some BSs make the decision to disclose, which as you state, is in their court, so it's entirely appropriate.

 

 

 

 

 

How can anyone make anyone do anything they don't want to do?

 

Please explain what your point is.

 

The affair was already interrupted by its discovery. All the BS is doing by informing the other BS is placing themselves into another couple's relationship. You have no place there.

 

Exactly you can't make someone do what they don't want to do, so stop using the guise of disrupting the affair as an excuse to stick a nose into a relationship where it does not belong.

[loneman]

Someone said that telling the other BS ensures that the A won't continue. That is not true. You are not the Mommy or Daddy over your spouse and they will do what they so wish, as they have already proven. If the affair partners decide to continue then the decision is in your court. You can't make someone do what they don't want to do.

 

Well, finally one thing I agree with you. Yes, they will continue if they so wish. But by exposing it to the other BS you give them even playing field. If they continue with the affair at least the BS can make informed decision to stay and try to fix the marriage or leave the lying, cheating and deceiving piece of s*** and find someone else more deserving of their love.

[Realist3]

Now it sounds like you are in favor of exposing the affair. This contradicts pretty much everything else you have been saying in this thread.

 

Please clarify.

 

No, not at all. What I am saying is that most of our spouses have had sex with other people before or after we knew them. Do we go back and rerun movies of everyone they had sex with in those instances?, or ask them about details of every sexual encounter they every had before we met them? NO! Why, because it was irrelevant when we married them and it is irrelevant today. If they want to be with you that is all that matters.

 

It has nothing to do with exposing the A to the other BS.