woinlove Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 how about giving it a rest if you are not addressing loneman's thread? Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Thank you 2sure, you are right. I am all about integrity and honesty. But in this case I feel the truth should have been buried, I feel it was not my business to expose, especially after the divorce was finalized. Now I hurt a lot of people, and that is not a good feeling. Her parents, whom I do care about, are hurt. Telling me to stay away from them. XW is hurt, but I feel she is hurt more by me than by her own actions. As much as she did hurt me by cheating and divorcing me, I did not want her to suffer. Fells like I am back to square one with the feelings. I would rather deal with anger and sadness than guilt. Now it's all those feelings together. It's a messed up world we live in. Messed up by some people and their actions. My own too. Loneman summed up in this post what I have been stating. Granted his feelings changed in the five days since this post was made, but everything he stated in that post is true. He admits he caused a lot of hurt and suffering that was unnecessary. He also thought it was none of his business. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Loneman summed up in this post what I have been stating. Granted his feelings changed in the five days since this post was made, but everything he stated in that post is true. He admits he caused a lot of hurt and suffering that was unnecessary. He also thought it was none of his business. Often a much greater good comes out when everyone has the truth and can make informed decisions. The short term may be difficult, but in the end, it is tricky living one's whole life with big lies involved. I told a good friend the truth because I didn't want her to live a lie rather than a real life, and all three people of the triangle came out much better in the end. Seems like loneman figured this out. Perhaps you will one day too. Or maybe you prefer to live in dishonesty. Some do, but most are happier living an authentic life. Again, good work, loneman in staying true to your principles of honesty and integrity. Things have not settled yet and they may not for a while, but now people have the truth and that is good. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Nope. Not true. He rethought things and realizes his first take on it was wrong, and he now feels good about what he did. Granted his feelings changed in the five days since this post was made Just because he changed his mind does not mean all of what he stated did not happen. There was a consequence. I disagree with his decision, but he is certainly right to make it. Whether that decision is right or wrong is in the eye of the beholder. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 He admits he caused a lot of hurt and suffering that was unnecessary. He also thought it was none of his business. Please, don't use the idea of hurting people unnecessarily. If this were a virtue of yours, you wouldn't be a cheater. Its hypocritical to use that for your own argument. Besides, Loneman didn't cause the hurt and suffering. The cheaters and interlopers did. His revelation of the facts is not what caused the hurt. Nice try. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Often a much greater good comes out when everyone has the truth and can make informed decisions. The short term may be difficult, but in the end, it is tricky living one's whole life with big lies involved. I told a good friend the truth because I didn't want her to live a lie rather than a real life, and all three people of the triangle came out much better in the end. Seems like loneman figured this out. Perhaps you will one day too. Or maybe you prefer to live in dishonesty. Some do, but most are happier living an authentic life. Again, good work, loneman in staying true to your principles of honesty and integrity. Things have not settled yet and they may not for a while, but now people have the truth and that is good. That is an impossible conclusion to make. Since we don't have the other outcome to judge it against, all that can really be said it is worked out okay. Loneman won't be able to make that conclusion either because the alternative did not play out. I don't believe in compounding the hurt. As he originally stated, sometimes leaving things buried is the best choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Please, don't use the idea of hurting people unnecessarily. If this were a virtue of yours, you wouldn't be a cheater. Its hypocritical to use that for your own argument. Besides, Loneman didn't cause the hurt and suffering. The cheaters and interlopers did. His revelation of the facts is not what caused the hurt. Nice try. Again this is not about me. Loneman certainly did not cause the original hurt. But by his own admission he did cause some by the exposure. They are two very different things. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Please, don't use the idea of hurting people unnecessarily. If this were a virtue of yours, you wouldn't be a cheater. Its hypocritical to use that for your own argument. Besides, Loneman didn't cause the hurt and suffering. The cheaters and interlopers did. His revelation of the facts is not what caused the hurt. Nice try. I agree it is what the AP's did that caused the harm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 That is an impossible conclusion to make. Since we don't have the other outcome to judge it against, all that can really be said it is worked out okay. Loneman won't be able to make that conclusion either because the alternative did not play out. I don't believe in compounding the hurt. As he originally stated, sometimes leaving things buried is the best choice. Bandaids over bullet wounds always fester in the end. It is not a compounding of pain to relay information of someone else's bad acts. And I am concerned about the internal compass of a person who would try and spin it as such. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 Bandaids over bullet wounds always fester in the end. It is not a compounding of pain to relay information of someone else's bad acts. And I am concerned about the internal compass of a person who would try and spin it as such. In my view is it akin to pouring gasoline on a fire. Yes, we have a fire, but do we really need to make sure everyone sees we have a fire? Obviously there are differing opinions on that. It is not compounding pain? Sure it is. I have seen many bad acts in my life, and by spreading those around surely would have caused more pain. The compass of the person is measured by them weighing the consequences of what they choose to do. Does it cause good, or bad? Is there an inherent need for that to be exposed. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 That is an impossible conclusion to make. Since we don't have the other outcome to judge it against, all that can really be said it is worked out okay. Loneman won't be able to make that conclusion either because the alternative did not play out. I don't believe in compounding the hurt. As he originally stated, sometimes leaving things buried is the best choice. Best choice for whom? Certainly not the best choice for the other BS who is now forced to live her life with a man who is untrustworthy and she has no idea she can't trust him and that her marriage is in danger and her marriage was violated. Rug sweeping only serves the WS who wants to hold onto the marriage under false pretenses. It certainly doesn't benefit the BS at all to be kept in the dark about the reality of her situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 In my view is it akin to pouring gasoline on a fire. Yes, we have a fire, but do we really need to make sure everyone sees we have a fire? Obviously there are differing opinions on that. It is not compounding pain? Sure it is. I have seen many bad acts in my life, and by spreading those around surely would have caused more pain. The compass of the person is measured by them weighing the consequences of what they choose to do. Does it cause good, or bad? Is there an inherent need for that to be exposed. I have no idea how to respond to this worldview. I have no part of my brain that accepts lies and withholding truth of this level as a positive action. Reporting a bad act should not even be in the same breath as committing one. It's an absurd and slightly sociopathic conclusion to try and bind them together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 I have no idea how to respond to this worldview. I have no part of my brain that accepts lies and withholding truth of this level as a positive action. Reporting a bad act should not even be in the same breath as committing one. It's an absurd and slightly sociopathic conclusion to try and bind them together. It is called collateral damage. No one is suggesting that a lie be accepted. The question is should the lie be exposed outside of the confines of the two people involved and what are the consequences of either keeping quiet or shouting it from the rooftops? The two people who were impacted the greatest already knew. People can agree or disagree with the old idiom, of "what you don't know won't hurt you", but this exposure surely went outside of the confines of the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 It is called collateral damage. No one is suggesting that a lie be accepted. The question is should the lie be exposed outside of the confines of the two people involved and what are the consequences of either keeping quiet or shouting it from the rooftops? The two people who were impacted the greatest already knew. People can agree or disagree with the old idiom, of "what you don't know won't hurt you", but this exposure surely went outside of the confines of the BS. 4 people affected. All of them get the STDs, all are affected by any illegitimate children. What they don't know will definitely hurt them. If I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff I need to know. The longer I'm married to a soul sucking remorseless cheater the longer I have to pay alimony. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 It is called collateral damage. No one is suggesting that a lie be accepted. The question is should the lie be exposed outside of the confines of the two people involved and what are the consequences of either keeping quiet or shouting it from the rooftops? The two people who were impacted the greatest already knew. People can agree or disagree with the old idiom, of "what you don't know won't hurt you", but this exposure surely went outside of the confines of the BS. There is no "surely" involved in any of the above nonsense. One person harmed informed another that she was being harmed by the same perpetrators. It is ridiculous to say that is an act of hurt. If the cheaters had not cheated, then no one would have had any truth to tell. I cannot believe I had to type any of the above out. It's so obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 And in the case of a remorseful cheater, we need to begin the healing process ASAP. That can't be done when with a third party in the marriage and continuing lies. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 There is no "surely" involved in any of the above nonsense. One person harmed informed another that she was being harmed by the same perpetrators. It is ridiculous to say that is an act of hurt. If the cheaters had not cheated, then no one would have had any truth to tell. I cannot believe I had to type any of the above out. It's so obvious. He said it was done out of anger. He was already divorced. He wasn't trying to save the BS. It was done to inflict hurt, which was accomplished. Then he regretted the hurt he caused. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 I just could not let go...feeling hurt, lonely, sad,angry, depressed...you know the feelings. Well, my anger got the best out of me. As I previously stated, this was done as an act of revenge. And that act hurt a lot of people. No one is suggesting that the A was not the worse, it was, but it doesn't change the fact that this decision caused hurt on its own. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 As I previously stated, this was done as an act of revenge. And that act hurt a lot of people. No one is suggesting that the A was not the worse, it was, but it doesn't change the fact that this decision caused hurt on its own. Caused hurt to whom? To the WS who would have preferred to rug sweep and keep his wife in the dark about his affair? As far as hurt to the BS, it is far greater of a hurt to knowingly keep such information from her, thereby robbing her of reality and choices and the ability to know the threats to her marriage, than the hurt caused from informing her of the truth. Knowing the truth will hurt, but taking away her right to reality is a far greater hurt. He did the BS a huge favor by giving her the truth so she can deal with her marriage as it is or have the option of leaving it because it is not the marriage she wants. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 He said it was done out of anger. He was already divorced. He wasn't trying to save the BS. It was done to inflict hurt, which was accomplished. Then he regretted the hurt he caused. He assigned and accepted hurt to himself that he didn't cause. He's moved off the original post and views it in proper perspective now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 As I previously stated, this was done as an act of revenge. And that act hurt a lot of people. No one is suggesting that the A was not the worse, it was, but it doesn't change the fact that this decision caused hurt on its own. I am hoping, at this point, that you are saying these things as an intellectual exercise, and not because you truly think this way. I seriously cannot grasp this need to hide these bad acts under the guise of "preventing" hurt , and the mental gymnastics that have to occur to do so . Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted December 1, 2012 Author Share Posted December 1, 2012 Wow, this debate is still going on?! OK, I will say it again...I initially felt bad about exposing it. Yes, but when I sat down and thought about it I realized it was a right thing to do, period! I got it off my chest. I feel like I am talking to the OM (which you are). Of course you do not see things from the same viewpoint as most posters do, and for a fact as most people do. You are a cheater. I do not know you, but in my book the cheaters are the lowest of the low. They do not deserve any sympathy or attention (they get enough of that in their A). Their word and opinions means nothing for me, absolutely zero. They lack integrity and basic morals. You choose to cheat on your W, which 99% of the people find very wrong. I choose to expose, and again 99% of the people agree with me. Even my X in-laws. Yes, I sat down and talked to them, per my request, and explained the whole situation. They thought differently about me after our conversation. They agreed that I did the right thing. End of story for me. I feel really good about myself. Simple, isn't it? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2012 Share Posted December 1, 2012 Loneman, you can ask to have this thread closed since it isn't about you anymore. Just use the alert us link and let the mods know you'd like to close this thread. The off topic discussion can be re created on a new thread and continued on there. I'll repeat what I said before, don't ever let anybody make you feel bad or guilty for telling the truth. You can sleep at night and have a light heart. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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