Extended Family Living: Pros and Cons.

[Samson]

The topic of discussion is:

 

1. What is your opinion about the appropriate age kids should move out of the home?

2. What extenuating circumstances might exist that could prolong this leaving the nest?

3. Is this age increasing or decreasing in our society, and what is driving this social change?

 

IMHO, individuals mature at widely different rates, but somewhere between 17 and 21 years, living at home becomes more of a liability than an asset for everyone, unless the family owns an estate with a mansion, or castle with separate wings designed to make the arrangement more livable.

[moimeme]

My mom would have had me live with her until her last day on the planet. I moved out to my own place when I had saved enough to go to university. While living at home, I helped out with buying groceries and did laundry and stuff and that's why I was able to save enough to put myself through school.

 

As with anything else, I don't think there should be a blanket rule. Each situation is different. Certainly I could not have gone to university without saving up for it myself - my folks didn't have the money to send me. And, really, I'm glad I worked for it because I understood the value of the education I was getting. But had my mom stuck to a 'move out by X age' rule, I couldn't have saved the money I needed for schoo.

[Samson]

Yes, I suppose age is arbitrary.

 

But at some point, either measured chronologically or not, "living at home becomes more of a liability than an asset for everyone," or else you, I, and many others would NEVER LEAVE.

 

It seems there is a growing minority that feel quite justified in ignoring this liability for a wide range of excuses that are becomming more socially acceptable as we embrase "moral relativity" refected in your post: "I don't think there should be a blanket rule."

[moimeme]

That's not 'moral relativism', Samson. That's just dealing with each situation according to its unique characteristics and this isn't about 'morality' per se. It's not immoral to live with your folks if your folks want you at home - and, in some cultures, the kids are expected to live at home until they marry, no matter how old they get. That is 'cultural relativism' rather than 'moral relativism'. The opposite; moral absolutism, leads to the 'virtucrat' mentality that I keep being accused of having

 

If someone has got kids who think they are 'entitled' to live at home rent-free for however long they want and this isn't a cultural issue, then the parents involved have to deal with that situation. Some parents are afraid to annoy their kids! That's just bogus. Dr. Phil, who I think you dislike, would definitely have words for parents like that - and they are pretty much along the lines of you don't help your kids out at all by not making them be responsible.

You don't fix that by rules. You fix that by explaining to parents that their kids need to fend for themselves in order to learn how to negotiate life.

[Samson]

moral absolutism, leads to the 'virtucrat' mentality that I keep being accused of having

 

Virtuecrat, eh?

 

And I thought it was only because you're Canadian!

 

Your point is well taken that in SOME cultures kids are expected to live within the extended family until they become married, kill a moose with their bare hands, or wrestle a Grizzly, whichever comes first. I'm not talking about some aboriginal culture subsisting on a diet of clams located in some remote corner of British Columbia. THIS would be a cultural issue.

 

BTW wrestling the grizzly and killing the moose are the preferred escape routes from the family nest?

 

As I said, I'm hoping to discuss a sociologic trend, and to be more specific, I am targeting the general population of the USA. I am hypothesising that the trend is for US kids to stay at home longer, and questioning why this might be. I'm also wondering if it a sociological step backward or forward (obviously, each individual will have an individual excuse).

[HokeyReligions]

For the last 8 years in the house in which I grew up, it was just me and mom. WE sold the house (I was there every step of the way through closing, etc.) and mom and I rented an apartment together. We were great roommates. I had my own place for a very short while because people teased both of us about why I was still living "at home with mommy". After I was out it seemed silly to both of us because we could live cheaper together and we enjoyed each other's company. We both liked having a roommate. For a while before I got married, my now-husband moved in with mom and I while we were waiting for our lease to be up. In a way, I guess you could say that I lived with my mother until I was 24. But it was OUR apartment, not mom's house. Now, mom lives with us.

 

I don't think it matters at all, as long as those living under one roof get along.

[Samson]

Thanks Hokey,

 

BTW: Since your PM is full, I'm just going to say here that I also find your Avitar most............................................................Effective

 

Yours

Samson

[RowanRavyn]

I think that the social trend has become for families to live with each other for a longer period of time. There are several things affecting this:

 

1. Economics- Cost of living is so much higher than it has ever been. Often, its just to expensive for a "child" to move out on their own.

 

2. Stress- There is a definite rise in stress related disease, I think this too adds to "overly full nest" syndrome. More and more younger folks are moving home because they are ill equipped to handle the every day stresses of life.

 

3. People are living longer-Often children move back home to care for older or ailing parents.

 

This leaving home early thing really seems to be a Western Ideal. When I lived in Korea there were generations of extended family living under the same roof. The family I rented my room from had FIVE generations under the same roof. Instead of moving out, they simply added on another room, resulting in a courtyard where the family would do laundry, cook, laugh, sing, play, and sometimes argue.

 

Sometimes I believe there are deep seated issues such as control issues. Where either the child or parent can't or won't let go, those are the scary ones. I think the most disrespectful ones are the lazy kids who just won't leave.

 

In our circle of family (which is mostly friends, who says you can't chose your family?) we have two strange issues. One is a friend who has moved home temporarily. She is working her bum off and can't wait to be on her own again, her mom can't wait either.

 

Then there is the guy who at the age of thirty five just really left the nest for the first time. He went away to college, developed panic disorder, and agora-phobia, only to find out that the doctors mis-diagnosed him and he actually had heart disease. Just as he got over that, his grandmother moved in, and he spent the next nearly four years caring for her til she died. (His family went on with their lives, work, school etc.) Now, he has moved out, is finally going to school for a career he LOVES, and his future is brighter than the sun at noon, and his mom is having major issues. Suddenly she has no crutch at home.

 

I hope and pray that I give my children the love they need, and teach them independence so that they can leave the nest and soar, but in balance of that, I hope that they know if they truly NEED to come home they can. Luckily, I have a few years, they are only seven and eight.

[EnigmaXOXO]

What is your opinion about the appropriate age kids should move out of the home?

 

I would hope by the time they are in their mid to late twenties they would have finished their education and established a career and/or independent life of their own. I would not want to be financially responsible for a middle-aged child. Nor can I imagine a mature adult wanting to live under their parent's noses abiding by someone else's house rules.

 

What extenuating circumstances might exist that could prolong this leaving the nest?

 

Physical or psychological disabilities which might prevent the child from being able to establish their financial and/or emotional independence.

 

Physical disabilities or financial dependence on the parents part…needing help from their children in order to survive and function.

 

Lack of motivation and/or opportunity.

 

Girls getting pregnant too young and having to rely on the parents to raise the grandchildren absent paternal support and functioning parental unit of their own.

 

Divorced child having to return home because they are financially destitute and have no where else to go.

 

Is this age increasing or decreasing in our society, and what is driving this social change?

 

Extended families have existed since the beginning of time in every culture. The elders depended on the young for the physical demands of daily life; while the young depended on the acquired wisdom and patience of the elders to raise and nurture the grandchildren. I think the only thing that has changed in current society are the reasons. Where extended families were once a necessity (everyone chipping in to help each other), it has now become a matter of personal convenience or misfortune.

 

Personally, I would have no problem with my adult child living at home so long as they were a responsible, contributing, and functioning member of the household…good health providing, of course! But I would not condone lack of respect, lack of appreciation, lack of contribution and/or motivation…or any self-serving ideas of "entitlement" simply because I brought them into the world. Only then, would I consider it a "liability."

 

In the same turn, I would not hesitate to take my aging parent into my home should their failing health prevent them from being able to care for themselves. I would gratefully return the same nurture and care they so selflessly provided for me.

 

I think this was the way nature originally intended it to be. Parent raises child…Parent ages and becomes child again…then child steps in and becomes parent. But if "child" never grows up…they're of little help to anyone let alone themselves!

 

But no matter who or what they become, you can't help but love them unconditionally, anyway.

[meanon]

I think one of the things that's extending the age at which kids leave home is the fact that it's no longer always for study or marriage. For the sizable minority of parents who become emotionally dependent on their children (largely a mother, daughter thing) leaving for any other reason is hard to take. I left home at 16 when I emigrated to England. It didn't last long though, the family joined me a year later . Leaving for Uni was OK but when I finished my studies the conflict over my refusal to return home was epic.

 

The other factor may be that an increasing proportion of the population live alone. It may be that young people prefer to stay at home rather than do this.

[Samson]

Meanon, so nice to hear from you, teenage runaway?

 

Hope you behaved yourself whilst away from your family at such a young, impressionable age?

 

And thanks Enigma, I'll also be torn between the guilt of wanting to keep them forever safe and needing to let them fly..............................Perhaps I'll feel the need to let them fly more strongly when they are teenagers?

[meanon]

Hope you behaved yourself whilst away from your family at such a young, impressionable age?

 

Of course I behaved myself, Samson .... badly

 

By the way Samson, I recall several discussions about you keeping your kids safe and, no offense, but they'll be ready to leave before you're ready to let them go. Generally, the more over protective the parent (even if it's entirely justified) the greater the thirst for independence. Those that want to stay can pretty much get away with anything.

[Samson]

So your basically saying I'm damned either way?

 

Actually, I'm more lienient in most situations than you'd imagine based on where I've drawn the line for the subjects you're most familiar (older guys dating teenagers, for example, that might end up tied to a stump in a swamp if they ever .......well, you know the rest of my thought).

 

Now, Meanon, before you completely hi-jack my thread, I expect you to start a new thread:

 

"Misbehaven as a teenage runaway"

[meanon]

So your basically saying I'm damned either way?

 

That's parenthood for you . You tread a fine line to get the balance right.

 

No thread hi-jacks, Samson. I'll save my bad behaviour for elsewhere. Besides, a girl has to have a few secrets....

[Samson]

I'll save my bad behaviour for elsewhere. Besides, a girl has to have a few secrets....

 

Damn it, meanon, you are just a [color=red]TEASE[/color]!

 

 

 

Probably why I love ya!

[moimeme]

the more over protective the parent (even if it's entirely justified) the greater the thirst for independence.

 

Well, that sure was the case with me. My mom wouldn't let me go to Brownie camp because she didn't want me to be away for that long And I'm kinda an independent cuss (yeah, that's a surprise) so it didn't go over that well. Fortunately my dad, also an independent cuss and never one to think females couldn't be everything they wished, would argue my case. We didn't win the camp thing but I would have been squelched utterly had he not persuaded her that I had a good enough head on my shoulders to not go wild if I was allowed some liberties. And, of course, I wanted to live up to his good opinion of me so I never did.

 

Trust that you've brought them up right and they'll respect you for it.

[Drivenmad]

Leaving the nest at a certain age is definately a westernized idea. There shouldn't be an age, where your child should seek independence and where they are expected to move out. You cannot bound them to a certain age. Their independence and freedom should be depended upon their maturity and whether they are ready.

 

I am a Chinese American and in my culture, God forbid you ever thought about moving out before you marry. Moving out before marriage is a phrase that only disrespectful, unloving children would say to their parents. The Asian culture believes in unity and living together with your extended family. If you dare to move out, parents would interpret that as you not loving them, and as you disowning you own parents. I find that a lot of Chinese parents expect their children to provide for them in every possible way, once they graduate from college. Our parents expect us to have knowledge of cooking (for women), cleaning, doing laundry..etc. Also, balancing a decent job with a top salary to buy them a home, while marrying a Chinese man and bearing his kids. Well, that was my parents dream. So, moving out is definately not an option, other than of course, if I marry.

 

I have argued and pointed out that it is more economical if I do move out, however, they only see my action as me being a disrespectful, unappreciative, and unloving daughter. They cannot comprehend that I will still love them till I die in my grave, regardless of the fact that I will be moving out.

 

Cultures, dreams, expectations, values can be completely different from one person to the next.

[joel]

i am chinese too but canadian and guess what parents are like urs too don't move out till u marry. i am 23 yur old guy. what happens when i finish school and can't find work related to my field of study and have to move out of the city.

anyways living with ur folks isn't always good-can't bring date or gf home to make love with her b/c folks are always at home, can't cook or be romatic with her b/c folks are always home. from my perspecitve if a guy who has a great job and can move out and still lives at home is a turn off.

i like this girl and all but guess what if we wanted to make love i can't b/c my folks are always at home especially during the eveening and nights and yes even daytimes now

 

Originally posted by Drivenmad

Leaving the nest at a certain age is definately a westernized idea. There shouldn't be an age, where your child should seek independence and where they are expected to move out. You cannot bound them to a certain age. Their independence and freedom should be depended upon their maturity and whether they are ready.

 

I am a Chinese American and in my culture, God forbid you ever thought about moving out before you marry. Moving out before marriage is a phrase that only disrespectful, unloving children would say to their parents. The Asian culture believes in unity and living together with your extended family. If you dare to move out, parents would interpret that as you not loving them, and as you disowning you own parents. I find that a lot of Chinese parents expect their children to provide for them in every possible way, once they graduate from college. Our parents expect us to have knowledge of cooking (for women), cleaning, doing laundry..etc. Also, balancing a decent job with a top salary to buy them a home, while marrying a Chinese man and bearing his kids. Well, that was my parents dream. So, moving out is definately not an option, other than of course, if I marry.

 

I have argued and pointed out that it is more economical if I do move out, however, they only see my action as me being a disrespectful, unappreciative, and unloving daughter. They cannot comprehend that I will still love them till I die in my grave, regardless of the fact that I will be moving out.

 

Cultures, dreams, expectations, values can be completely different from one person to the next.