he cheated, how do i do the right thing?

[blueshirts]

i would really appreciate hearing others people's thoughts on my last relationship.

 

my boyfriend and i have been dating for only about 11 months now. at first, he was interested in my best friend. I would give him tips on how he could get her to like him. he started to relize that he liked me instead, and i slowly became interested in him. We started dating about a month later.

 

He told me he was divorced (he is only 24), but i later found out his divorce wasnt finalized until months into our relationship. I am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage, so just the fact that he was a divorcee was enough to put me off.

 

I cant explain why, but right since the very beginning, i always seemed to doubt him. I have never had a problem with jelousy before, and i dont consider myself a person with low-self esteem, but for some reason there was something about him that just didnt seem right.

two months after we started dating, he informed me his family was coming to visit him. during that week, i tried to give him privacy to enjoy his time with them, but i didnt feel right. he seemed so cold and distant, and i immediately know something was wrong. Things were weird up until a few weeks later.

 

After that things started to get better, and we were happy for a while. However, i always felt doubts about him. He never wanted to take pictures with me, and it seemed like he tried to hide our relationship from the rest of the world. I brought up my concerns about this many times, and each time he reasured me there was no reason to doubt him, and that he doubted me very much.

 

three months ago, i accidently discovered that he had created another facebook profile (besides the one he friended me in) and had blocked me entirely. I brought this up to him and he denied it. We got in a huge fight because i couldnt trust him, and all he would say was forget the past and move on. After a couple days he confessed he had only done it because he was ashamed of his past and didnt want me to think badly of him. At this point i told him i had many doubts about him that i felt he was hiding something from me. I asked him straight up, "the week your family was in town, i felt something was wrong. Please tell me what happened." He repeatedly told me there was nothing going on, and that he loved me. And i could see how much he was hurting over the thought of losing me. I decided to swallow my insecurities and continue with out relationship.

 

However, a voice in the back of my head told me something was wrong. I knew, KNEW, he was hiding something from me, i just couldnt shake what. I felt miserable. I felt worthless, and self-conscious, because i felt it was all in my head. I thought it was me making up all these awful scenarios because i wouldn't allow myself to be happy. It was an awful feeling.

 

After a month of dealing with this, i decided i could not go on. I made a decision to break up with him after the weekend. That weekend, however, we spent the entire time together and had one of the best times in our entire relationship. I changed my mind and decided i could no give up on what we had. That night when i got home, i went on his facebook. I clicked on a tagged picture of him and went to another girl's profile. I dont know how i knew, it was just something in my gut, but i scrolled down and saw that she had been in town the week he claimed his family was visiting (she lives 2,000 miles away.) There were pictures of them kissing, and checked in at restaurants, all in the same week. I knew this was what he had been hiding from him. It felt good to finally know.

 

I called him immediately and very calmly told him i was having doubts about him, and that i needed to talk to him in person. He could sense i wanted to break up with him. He was a complete mess. He kept saying he couldnt live without me in his life. I told him, if there is something u want the say, u should say it, because i dont see us continuing any further with all this between us. the next day, i went to his house with the intent to break up with him. I told him, if u just tell me what i need to know, i will forgive up. Please, i just want to hear it from u. Just tell me. All he did was cry and say there was nothing he was hiding. He cried and told me how much he loved me, how much he had changed, and how i couldnt walk out on his life. I was the love of his life. I told him i couldnt continue on like this, and left him crying, as i myself cried out the door. We communicated for a few days, him constantly begging me to take him back, and me constantly telling him to tell me the truth.

Finally, a couple days later, he managed to tell me (not without several lies to cover it up first.) he had a "connection" so to speak with another girl way before he met me. He claims she was not his girlfriend, but she did consider him hers. That week i always doubted, was because she was here, in town visiting him. He claimed they never had sex because she was on her period, but i just dont believe it. he finally told me he officially 'ended" it with her a month later, but was still in communication with her up until two months before we broke up. So to me, he was cheating on me for 9 out of the 11 months we were together. What is worse is that he met her first, so technically i am the other woman. I just cant get over it.

He told me the day he officially ended it with her, he bought me an engagement ring because he realized he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. The other girl hates him because of how she played with her heart. She was crazy about him.

 

Now i just dont know what to do. For the past two months we have been off and on, and i just feel so confused. i dont believe anything he tells me, especially because all he does is contradict himself. I still feel he is hiding more from me. I want to know everything that happened, but he just chooses to tell me miniscule facts. i can see how much pain he is in. And i know he is sorry for what he did, but it still doesnt change the fact that it happened. So for the past two months i have become angry, and rude to him, trying to push him away. I tear him down and he still keeps fighting for me. He claims he will never give up on me. I have become this evil, spiteful being, but i just dont know how to stop. I have decided to break all communication with him and move on with my life. I just feel like i am too proud to ever take him back, but i wish i wasnt like this.

I can see he cares about me and we can potentially have a great future together, but how can i let go of the past? especially since it still feel so unresolved.

How do i know if i am making the right decision?

And how do i stop from hurting him more? Despite the pain he caused him, i really mean him no harm, and my harsh words are unly hurting him further.

so what should i do, and how do i know if what is did is the right thing to do?

[PMA]

I've been in a simillar situation and I'm still with the guy that cheated on me. It's hard to trust him and its only been 4 months since he cheated and I'm just now beginning to trust him 10% of the time. He won't even admit to him cheating only talking to her and sneaking behind my back on hang out with her. At least your bf admitted it. Seriously take a look at yourself and see if you can deal with the long term hurt of him betraying you or if you'd rather break it off and one day soon find someone worth your love. If you guys don't have any tie together ( kids, properties, etc. ) then I'd say leave him ! If I didn't have anywhere to go i would've left him months back.

[Troubled1]

It isn't a one time think like he got drunk and had a one night stand, it was an ongoing thing. He has proven he is not trustworthy. There are a lot of great men out there. I would say leave him. (easier said than done, right? Im there right now)

[salparadise]

I think you have two higher level judgements to make which will inform your decision. First, do you believe him to be a person of high integrity and good character, or is he predisposed to disingenuousness in his relations? And secondly, do you insist on anyone you'd consider spending your life with to be a person of high integrity or are you ok with the disingenuous type?

[blueshirts]

I believe that somewhere inside he is a good person. And I really do know he cares about me a lot ( still keeps fighting even though I repeatedly put him down.) But the entire time we were together, he was not just a cheater and a liar, he was also controlling, manipulative, jealous, and self-conscious. I never felt like he loved me until after we broke up. And now I'm afraid it might be too late.

[blueshirts]

Thank you everyone for your posts. He finally admitted that he really did sleep with her, and was still in contact with her up until a couple days ago. I know truly know that leaving him and never looking back is the right decision.

[MichiganMan222]

Thank you everyone for your posts. He finally admitted that he really did sleep with her, and was still in contact with her up until a couple days ago. I know truly know that leaving him and never looking back is the right decision.

 

Congrats on your decision. Both you and your next love will thank him later for being the douchebag that he is and allowing you two to find each other.