long story.. can anyone help?

[Yumi]

My problem, if you can call it that, goes back so far... so please jsut be patient... I just found this forum and think its great to have advice from just average people... anyway here goes... ^_^

 

I'm a college sophomore and I'll be 19 next month. My first relationship happened when I was almost 17, ended pretty quickly, and it doesn't haunt me or anything when I see my first ex which isn't often, we are firnedly with each other. The problem came when we broke up, I had decided that I didn't want to be with him anymore but it took me a month or so to work up the courage to say so, in that time I fell for the guy who had set us up, his best friend (let's call him Bob). By that point I was 17 and Bob was 23. We had a brief fling, not sexual but very physical, and he told me that he didn't think it could work because we worked together. I had loved him for a long time and I was devastated, but we continued ot be friends, every so often he would ask me to dinner again, or take me in the back room at work and give me a big hug. Our boss found out and laughed about it, told us it was okay, there was no company policy against it and he thought we were a cute couple. I was about to graduate and I didnt want to go to college (my mom got married at 19 so that's kind of my standard, I feel kind of old now) I planned to propse to him if he didn't do it first, but then seemingly out of nowhere he told me to leave him alone. I quit my job and we didn't seeeach other for awhile, when we did we were very cold to each other. Then the day before I went to college he took me to dinner again, he told me that we would never really have to say good bye, gave me a big hug... and I didnt see him for a few months.

 

While I was away, I heard some rumors that he was seeing another girl, basdically for sex only... when I came home for Christmas I had lunch with him and he told me that this was true, that he had gone behind her back to see me and that she was pregnant. He said that he didn't love her but couldn't abandon the child and was going to marry her. I had no interest in being the other woman, I didnt even cry I was mainly mad at myself for not taking my opportunity to either marry him or have his child when I could have... (now don't get me wrong, I'm a virgin, Catholic, terrified of things like that! Looking back I do NOT think I was being mature, but I was desperate!) I have only seen him once since then, to return his things.

 

Now, there shouldn't be a problem right? That jerk is out of the picture... about two weeks after I got out of his life for good, I started talking to this other guy online. At first we were just friends, we have a lot in common and he was very nice to me right after I had my heart broken. This was about 9 months ago. Towards the end of spring semester I considered making it more than friendship, but then I had to go home for the summer, I was working 50-60 hours a week and I didn't have time for a relationship.

 

An old friend who had known me and Bob and known what we were going through started talking to me over the summer, he tried really hard to "win" me... buying me all kinds of things, coming to bother me at work and getting mad when I kept working instead of talking to him. He told me I was hiding behind work and by going to college on the opposite side of the country was running away. Maybe I am, I don't know, but it's not healthy for me to be in the town where every store, restaurant, landmark, reminded me of Bob. I mad e it VERY clear to this guy that I did not intend to have a realtionship with someone who did not have a job, was making a living by selling his comic books on eBay and displayed no indication of wanting to move out of his mom's basement. I told him I wanted to move overseas... which I do...

 

When I cam back here I picked up my relationship with my online friend, and we decided it was time for the two of us to meet... he lives in Japan so that was a problem, but I've got a passport and a plane ticket now, I'm going to meet him in about a month and a half. Since the beginning of the semester, my feelings for him have become so strong, I admitted them and he says he feels the same... when we both graduate, he says he wants to marry me and be together forever... and I'm happy, BUT....

 

I just don't feel like I can trust anyone completely anymore, after all the hurt I went through. I've been in a childish high-school realtionship, a weird semi-one-sided, cheating realtionship, and some guy who had a crush on me... I don't know how to tell if my new boyfriend really cares about me! I get mad a lot because he doesn't do much for me... but we live thousands of miles apart! We've talked on the phone and sent each other gifts and things... but it kind of seems like a huge waiting game, like we can't REALLY be together until next month... When I think about it rationally, he really is doing a lot for me just my coping with the time difference, speaking English and not laughing at my Japanese... but when I feel lonely it's very easy to get lost in the past. It has now been two years since I've been touched or kissed, I'm half thrilled and have terrified of the time we're going to spend together... the fact that HE brough up marriage before I did makes me feel like it's not a Bob situation again... but the thought of waiting at least two and a half year, having to cope with emigration and forever being a minority... I love this man but I have so many doubts!

 

So.... does anyone have any ideas for how I can REALLY get over my past, look toward the future and quit doubting myself??? I know that we can have a hppy life, provided I don't ruin things with my insecurities first...

[Rogue]

Hello Yummi.My advice is to not be in such a rush to get married or even enter a long term relationship.By being too eager to do that you end up making yourself a lot more insecure than you really have to be.Don't let yourself fall into the mistake of thinking that if that you need somebody's love to be worth something.

 

Love is something we all need, and it is something we all have problems with from time to time.The "Loveshack" wouldn't exist if Love was simple. Even though we need it,we must recognize other things that look and feel a lot like Love, but are not what we need. Having someone's attention isn't necessarily Love.Being "wanted" or "needed" isn't necessarily Love.Being pursued isn't necessarily Love.

 

The thing you must learn right now is patience.Don't be in a rush! If you want to find someone kind to care about you have to get know them first,and build up trust between you. Don't play mind games with yourself.

 

Now,regarding the guys you talked about, they don't seem right for you in my opinion.From what you've said they seem desperate to me. There are plenty of women in Japan,and tons of them are nice,so why would someone go through a lot of trouble to find one here? Because he most likely has problems dealing with people.I've been in that position before of corresponding with women from other countries regularly ..and even developing feelings for them.But what I had to realize for myself was to learn to deal with the women here,now,in person.Human nature is the same here as it is in Japan,and you'll likely just end up repeating the same mistakes you've made here in a diffirent country.

 

Listen,there is nothing wrong with developing feelings for someone you've only met through e-mail.Love letters and pen pals have been hooking people up since pen and paper were invented.But there is something VERY VERY wrong with wanting to marry someone you've never met,or with thinking you're in Love when you know almost nothing about him as a fact.It's easy to lie through the internet, it's easy to put on a mask and pretend to be something you're not. I'd really hate to see you get hurt,in putting so much of your hopes into something that may just turn ugly.

 

The fact is,there must be tons of guys out there who you could go crazy over,and who could care about you.But you may simply be blind to them because you're looking too far away.

[Yumi]

I don't think I was trying to fall in love... actually every single one of my relationship has come at a really bad time, when I'm really too busy or too hurt because of something else to give myself completely....

 

And I'm not really afraid that he's lying to me... I don't think so. I mean, I've called him and written him letters before so I know that he lives where he says he does, I've talked to his mom on the phone so... I don't know, that seems like a reliable source. Anyway, I'm going to meet this guy, and I do trust him on most of the issues that arise from Internet relationships--age, gender, location, profession, etc. Nothing he has told me about himself is overly wonderful (well wonderful to ME of course, but he never claimed to be the president of Sony or anything). Why would someone lie and say they were a senior at a middle-ranked university who tutors to make extra money and lives with his parents and younger brother??? That's not a fantasy life, it's just good and normal and real.

 

What I am afraid of is being used, and I KNOW this comes partially from the scars on my heart from the previous relationship... I am scared of this all the time, if any thing LESS scared by meeting someone who HAS to talk to me and listen to what I have to say before even having a CHANCE to get me into bed... But every time we can't talk for a day or two because of exams or his grandparents visiting or something, I get scared, I wonder if he's thinking about me... and I know I should trust him but I don't feel like I can trust ANY guy...

 

We're both probably not good at meeting people... I don't really mind that because I cannot just walk up to someone and start talking. So how can I fault that in anyone else? I don't think that "human nature" is any different anywhere else.... I didn't set out to meet someone who lived so far away that we would have to talk when it was 6 AM here and midnight there.... we met because he e-mailed me in response to something I had posted on a message board (not a personals ad!) and things just kind of happened.

 

Well I guess I'm spending more time defending myself than anything... I don't know that I've found someone I want to marry (he brought that up, as I believe I've said) but I have at least met a nice, interesting, talented person, and planned a vacation for myself, and I'm going to go through with that. I'm not going to say that this is "forever" but I should at least give it a chance to work in person, and I'm afraid that I might not even be able to give him the chance he deserves...

[Rogue]

Doesn't it strike you as odd that he would want to marry you before he even met you? You may be there for a vacation,but he obviously has a diffirent opinion on what's going on. How's he going to feel when he finds out you don't feel the same way about each other? You've met someone you like,but don't people like that exist here as well? If you have problems dealing with people here,you'll have it in Japan as well.

 

What I was trying to tell you is to fix your problems here and now.Not expecting to go somewhere ,not expecting a special set of circumstances to make "magic" happen. You can't pin so much hope on someone so far away that you've never met.

 

You're not the first person to develop an internet love interest. Corresponding through the internet can be very delusional.It can really mess your head up if you let it. I'm talking from experience, of having been there myself. I'm also talking from the experience of some of my friends.At this present time,I have 4 buddys who lost their marriages because their wives left them for someone they met on the internet. Their wives were willing to open to some stranger while someone who loved and cared for them was sitting in the room next to them.

 

It's such an easy thing to open up to someone like this. There's a certain amount of freedom you feel,and you don't have to deal with a lot of issues that you would have to face-to-face. But relationships are meant to be personal,face to face.You HAVE to learn how to deal with someone in person,warts and all. If you can't do that here, you'll won't be able to do it elsewhere.

[Deejette]

Marriage is a very serious thing and there are lots of trials and tests involved. It is hard enough with someone you have known for a long time, let alone someone you have never even met, except over the wires.

 

Rogue is correct in citing the number of wives who ditch their husbands for some internet fantasy. I work with a wonderful man whose wife left him and his two kids for some internet guy she thought was nicer than her husband. A real relationship is about knowing each other before you declare your love.

Doesn't it strike you as odd that he would want to marry you before he even met you? You may be there for a vacation,but he obviously has a diffirent opinion on what's going on. How's he going to feel when he finds out you don't feel the same way about each other? You've met someone you like,but don't people like that exist here as well? If you have problems dealing with people here,you'll have it in Japan as well. What I was trying to tell you is to fix your problems here and now.Not expecting to go somewhere ,not expecting a special set of circumstances to make "magic" happen. You can't pin so much hope on someone so far away that you've never met. You're not the first person to develop an internet love interest. Corresponding through the internet can be very delusional.It can really mess your head up if you let it. I'm talking from experience, of having been there myself. I'm also talking from the experience of some of my friends.At this present time,I have 4 buddys who lost their marriages because their wives left them for someone they met on the internet. Their wives were willing to open to some stranger while someone who loved and cared for them was sitting in the room next to them. It's such an easy thing to open up to someone like this. There's a certain amount of freedom you feel,and you don't have to deal with a lot of issues that you would have to face-to-face. But relationships are meant to be personal,face to face.You HAVE to learn how to deal with someone in person,warts and all. If you can't do that here, you'll won't be able to do it elsewhere.