singleman Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 It seems like every girlfriend i had always waits to break up with me until they have someone else they are interested in. it seems like they can't be alone (without a boyfriend) for more than a day. For example, my last girlfriend, who i dated for 4 years, left her previous boyfriend for me, now just left me for someone else. I know that it is not only women who do this, but why are they in such a need to be with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 Single, That generalization simply isn't true. I did that when I was 21 but now I know that you have to heal before you're ready to have a healthy relationship. My last breakup I was severely tested as there were a lot of guys out there that were ready to take on a recently broken up girl, but I wasn't ready. I dated, but months later I'm still not ready. I honestly believe that guys are more prone to jump from girl to girl due to testosterone and their need to be validated after a breakup. Me, I have always liked the guy that wasn't in too much of a hurry to move on. It shows character and that he really cared about me enough to wait and see if we could make it work. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 I can't speak for any other women but for MYSELF I was alone for 2 full years after leaving my husband (who was abusive that's why I left) and I did not have nor want anyone else. I enjoyed my time alone, I spent time taking care of ME emotionally and physically and changing my life so that I wouldn't end up in another relationship like the last one I'd been in. I feel that women who leave one relationship only to jump into another one are lacking in self esteem and maybe they feel they need to have someone who tells them they "love them" and how "great" they are in order to feel validated as a person. This isn't always the case but from personal experience and knowing women who've gone into therapy for this very issue I can safely say that I know this can be one of the causes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singleman Posted August 8, 2004 Author Share Posted August 8, 2004 Barbi - I think you are right about her self esteem. I didn't realize she was so needy. When she broke up with me she said I didn't tell her that she looks nice enough times, didn't take her out enough to nice places, didn't touch her enough, etc. Maybe the new guy will make her feel good for awhile. who knows, maybe they will end up getting married. Also, if I were the guy, I would be very hesitant to jump in, but maybe he is needy, too. Who knows. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 Not every girl will do this. From my experience, the girls who do jump right from one guy to the next are the ones to avoid. Any time I have ever gotten involved with someone who left another guy for me, she turned out to love twisting a dull knife through my heart, right before leaving for another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author singleman Posted August 8, 2004 Author Share Posted August 8, 2004 faux - i know exactly where you are coming from. I've had the same experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 8, 2004 Share Posted August 8, 2004 Same here... This just happened to me this last week. My ex and I had dated on and off again ofer the last 2 years and she just broke it off - again - this week after meeting someone else just last week. Talk about waiting until you have another fish on the hook before you throw one back in... I have been there and done that too many times with this one. I agree that women who do bounce from guy to guy are destined to repeat that pattern. At least from my experience. If they jump from one to you, it is likely they will jump from you to someone else much in the same way. Two words. Watch out... Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by faux Any time I have ever gotten involved with someone who left another guy for me, she turned out to love twisting a dull knife through my heart, right before leaving for another guy. Good lord. Too little too late to have saved me the trouble... Should have known. I guess that's what karma's for right? Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted August 11, 2004 Share Posted August 11, 2004 You are totally wrong with this type of thinking! What you want to find out is WHY YOU get involved constantly with women that seem to leave you. This is all about you, not your ex's! People....notice I said people............will jump directly into another relationship after a break up because they are cowereds. They do not want to deal with themselves and find out WHY the relationship ended and fix themselves. So they hide with someone else until that goes bad to................get it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author singleman Posted August 11, 2004 Author Share Posted August 11, 2004 Beautiful - you are so right. Very good point. Why in the heck do i get involved with these woman in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I agree that this is not a male or female specific behavior, it is a behavior specific to insecure people who are afraid of being alone...I think that it is important to ask someone about their dating history when you start dating and an endless string of back to back relationships is a red flag to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I can see Beautiful's point. However, I have never really observed any men to jump right from one girl to another. I suppose it does happen, but I do see this particular behavior as someone females tend to do. From my experience, there were obvious signs with these types of people that I had been involved in. After I took a lot of pain, and did a lot of hard learning, I found out how to avoid these types of women. I believe Beautiful does have a good point, in that it would be wise to find out why you get involved with these types of people. Learning why I did this myself, how to find out who these women were, and to know better than to get involved has since saved me a great deal of trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
unclejo23 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I am a firm believer when it comes to avoiding someone that is willing to drop a relationship to pursue one with you!( i like the fish analogy!) beautiful is on target by saying it takes a type of PERSON(not woman) with a low self esteem to do this. I love(d) my ex, and did my best to bring out the BEST in her... if I am unable to help her achieve that self worth, then I can't place all the fault on her for leaving. Could she have done more... sure... but never doubt your own strengths on account of someone elses weaknesses... damn I sound like Dr.Phil(someone shot me!) Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I can agree that there is little one can do when the other has a low self esteem and jumps from guy to guy. However, I also know I have allowed myself to get involved with my ex again and again even after she jumped from me to another than back again a couple of times. In retrospect I have often times wondered why I allowed myself to do this. She is the only girl I have dated that I ever dated again (I am 32). Add to that she has caused me more heartache than any other woman I have met. Being that she has left before and come back - I would be surprised if my no contact (trying to start today - only been one week since the break up after on and off for 2 yrs) really has her gone forever. One thing I did notice is that she told me it was ok for her to move on because her heart was not in the relationship, but that I should take time off... Does that sound like she wants me on the sidelines waiting or what? She told me this on more than one occasion over the last week... I am doing my best to get through today then this weekend as the more I stay away the easier it will get for me to move on... I just have a sinking feeling that she will try to sink her claws in again - especially if I start seeing someone else. That is when she tried her hardest to get me back last fall - threw herself at me... I am the only one that can prevent that from even being an option and I know that. The crappy part is that I bet if she called me back and said she changed her mind I would take her back which I know is a mistake. My hope is she stays away... Any thoughts on the chances of her being gone for good this time??? Previously I continued contact which is the one thing I am going to try and stop this time early on... Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I too have noticed that when many girls are ready to get out of a relationship, they'll start lining up a safety net guy. Link to post Share on other sites
manofmystrey Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I think humans in general look to line up a safety net before they walk out for the fear of not being alone. My ex and me were together for 7 years and engaged for 2 and she left me for another guy. Does that mean all do it? No it was just her. But one has to be careful when getting into a realtionship with someone like that. Link to post Share on other sites
InmannRoshi Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 Most guys I know who are looking to get out of long term relationships are looking forward to single life, and are in absolutely no hurry to get back into a commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
snilljente Posted August 12, 2004 Share Posted August 12, 2004 I am a female and am never in a hurry to find a new relationship when one has ended....quite the contrary...I have purposely taken breaks (up to a year) to get over a relationship so that I will be ready for someone should they come along...I think jumping into a new relationship with someone when you are still dealing with the emotions of the last one is not only not fair to the next person, but not healthy for you yourself....maybe I am an oddity, but my heart has to be "ready".....I am not just looking to hook up. Link to post Share on other sites
K.J Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 what would you call it then if you get into a healthy relationship after a unhealthy one, one that you can be yourself, one that you can talk about the ex. One that you feel so comfortable in. Is that a rebound? Is that a bad thing to do? I did just that, I am crying right now on the internet talking to my new b/f about a convo I have with my ex today, He is supportive, caring and very loving towards all of this, I am the same way towards his ex also. there is no feeling that we feel we have to hide. I think that sometimes it is just a better situation that you are getting yourself into and leaving the bad one behind. I do not think that there is anything wrong with it unless it is a continuious thing...myself I have never done this ever first ime, I have also knewn him for over 3 years, just bad timing thats all. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 14, 2004 Share Posted August 14, 2004 It's definitely not just women who do this! My ex bf of over 3 years ago met someone 10 days after we broke up and was married within a year. He's since had a baby. YUCK! Link to post Share on other sites
VroomGrl21 Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 Originally posted by snilljente I think jumping into a new relationship with someone when you are still dealing with the emotions of the last one is not only not fair to the next person, but not healthy for you yourself. That's what I always felt too... and guys do it just as often. I think fear of loneliness has a lot to do with it, especially when the person doesn't have a lot of friends for support or things to keep them occupied. My ex(I broke it off) led me on being my best friend, making me think that he still loves me and what not, while looking for new prospect at same time, in case I don't get back with him. In the end, I started to fall for him again until he left me for the new girl he's fallen head of heels for. These people never get a alone break in between, they have to have someone there, but how long does it really last with the person they jump to? Link to post Share on other sites
maui2k4 Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 That really depends. Hard to say how long a rebound will last for either the dumpee or dumper. When my ex-fiance cheated on me she stayed with that guy for 2 years and I stayed with my rebound for 2 1/2. However, with my recent ex - when we have broken up in the past my rebounds have only lasted a month or two and so have hers. She recently met someone else at work that she decided to break it off for (a week and a half ago) and I have started the no contact after a week of contact. Only been 3 days with no contact. We did not end out last conversation poorly so I have no idea when she may contact me again. It may very well depend on how things go with her new guy she is seeing. Either way, I am not going to wait around and see if this rebound for her is something that will last or not. She told me I should not date anyone for a while - but in my mind that is only to keep me on the sidelines until she sees how things go with this new one. Not going to happen - I am doing no contact to move on - not bring her back... The first few days have been kind of tough, but they will get better... Time will tell if she comes back or not... She has before - but that does not mean she will again. I actually hope she does not this time. Link to post Share on other sites
VroomGrl21 Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 I know what you mean Maui... and we've been through the worst days already, we can't wait around hoping the other person will come back, I can't let my life be run by how their relationship turns out. The last time we talked the conversation didn't end poorly either except I know he's really into her. And he doesn't know I'm doing the no contact, he assumed I wanted to stay friends, but I haven't called in 2 days, if he hasn't called, why should I. So maybe in a way, I'm hoping he doesn't come back either, 'cuz this has made me stronger. We're coping with it the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
Durden Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 Woman are like monkeys. They dont let go of one branch until they have got hold of another. Link to post Share on other sites
havNfun Posted August 15, 2004 Share Posted August 15, 2004 Most guys I know who are looking to get out of long term relationships are looking forward to single life, and are in absolutely no hurry to get back into a commitment. obviously the women posting on this thread are a different bread, but I have to agree, in general, with InmannRoshi And ladies, I think us men have dated a few more women than you have - just guessing - but, anyway, I think that it can definitely be said that, more so than men, women line up the next security net, man, shoulder - whatever you wanna call it. AND, I think more often than women, men don't have anything lined up and often look forward to the singleness again. But, perhaps because men often don't see the writing on the wall perhaps. Link to post Share on other sites
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