Cheated on my bf of 1 year and I don't know how to live with myself

[TheRedQueen]

Well, here is my story. I've cheated on my boyfriend and possibly made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. This is a man whom I love deeply and wanted (and still want) to spend the rest of my life with. Knowing that information, I can't understand why I did what I did. Of all people I should know, but I don't feel like I really do.

 

I met this guy named Brad at my work. Since the first time we worked together we just hit it off. I'm a very shy person and I have a lot of social anxiety when I'm around people I don't know well, but right away he made me feel comfortable around him. When I would see him at work I enjoyed working with him because I was able to be playful with him. It made me think that we had somewhat of a connection. One night I went to his place to hang out with him and another co-worker. This is the first time I had ever hung out with anyone from my work. For awhile it was just the two of us and I could tell that he really liked me. When we were hanging out he touched my side, but it scared me and I went home after only a little while because I knew my bf would be getting off work soon. Then the next time I saw him at work he did the same thing. Then he started calling me all the time to hang out, but I was too scared to because I didn't want him making moves on me and I didn't know how to tell him I had a boyfriend. I guess I liked the attention because it made me feel attractive, but eventually I wanted it to stop because I love my bf and I had no interest in screwing things up. So one day after he left me a voicemail saying "hey beautiful" I called him back (while my bf was sitting next to me) and told him that I didn't think my boyfriend appreciated that message. He said "okay" and hung up the phone. Things were pretty awkward between us at work after that, but I felt relieved.

 

For some reason, I still felt the need to be his "friend" at work and instead of totally ignoring him, I just tried to act normal and let things go. We stopped flirting, but I was still nice to him when I saw him. I think it was because I felt bad for him, for letting him down, and I also knew that he had a lot of problems with drinking and getting stoned all the time. I cared about him getting in trouble for a DUI and in a weird way I wanted to help him. I think I felt this way about it because of the connection I may have had with him when we first met.

 

Well, a couple of months pass, and there's a work get-together at the owner of my work's house. To make a long story short, I drove up there with him because I didn't want to ride alone in my car, but there was also another person in the car with us from work. Then when we got to the owner's house I hung out with him pretty much the whole time. He wasn't trying to touch me or anything, but he kept looking at me, and I felt that connection again. I left the party early because my bf had the night off work and I wanted to go spend time with him, but I really left a lot later than I had intended since I was having such a good time. I drove Brad home because he also wanted to go home early and we talked a lot about stuff on the way back home. I was also stoned at the time and starting talking about how I haven't been single in 3 years almost. This was the first time I had really began to give thought to the idea that I might want to be single. Then I dropped him off and he told me he had a fun time and we should hang out some more.

 

We did end up hanging out again on my 21st birthday. I went over to a friend from work's house to drink with them and some of my girlfriends before we went out to the bar. Brad didn't come because he's not 21 yet. I got really drunk, but it was so much fun. I felt like people really liked me--I'm really pestimistic and feeling good about myself is not something that happens a lot. Then I told some of his friends and my friends that I thought I liked him, but I didn't know what to do because I have a boyfriend, and I didn't know how I could like someone like him in the first place because he's so ****ed up. Not to mention, my boyfriend is so much better than that. After we left the bars, I went back to my friend's house and Brad was there asleep. I was with my friend Nicole and I told her that I wanted to tell Brad I liked him. She said it was okay to tell him that, but to also tell him that I have a boyfriend and that nothing can happen between us. Well, he admitted he like me too, and after that he tried to kiss me. I admit I was drunk and flirting and leading him on, but I told him I couldn't kiss him because I had a bf and I would feel so bad about it afterwards. He kept trying to kiss me and I finally gave in. We layed there and kissed for a little bit until my friend came in and said she needed to go home. I told her about it and I felt so bad, but she said that I shouldn't tell my bf.

 

The next day I talked to her and told her I felt like I needed to tell him about it. I just didn't really know how, but I knew it was the only way for our relationship to go on. I don't like living a lie, and the guilt was killing me. I just didn't know how to say it because we were moving in together the very next day. Then I made the mistake of going over to hang out with my work friend's again and I knew Brad was there also because he invited me. I got drunk again, and he kept telling me all these sweet things like how much he liked me, and that he hasn't connected with a girl like he's connected with me in a long time, and how much it sucked that we couldn't be together because I had a bf. I felt like I may have really liked him at this point, but I think it had a lot to do with the things he was saying. We ended up having sex that night, and I enjoyed it, but I didn't want to do that. I realize how stupid that sounds, but before we had sex he was touching me and I told him not to. Then he started trying to have sex with me and I told him I was really drunk and I might not be able to stop him, even if I didn't want to have sex, but it happened anyway.

 

I felt incredibly sick after I got home, but I couldn't tell me bf because I didn't want to hurt him. Not to mention I didn't want to ruin us moving in together and sabotage our entire relationship. I was going to tell him about the kiss, I was sure about it, but after this happened I couldn't tell him anything. I felt so guilty and it made it really hard to be around him. When he was at work, I would go and hang out with these people, but I didn't want anything else to ever happen again between me and Brad. I would keep getting drunk every night so I could just forget. And I even told Brad that we couldn't keep doing that, I had a boyfriend whom I loved, and I just wanted to be friends. But everytime he would get drunk he would try and do things with me. I kept pushing him away and I wouldn't let anything happen. I guess I went over there for a lot of reasons, one of those reasons was that I couldn't keep away.

 

Then my boyfriend started to figure things out and first just found out that I liked another guy. He was so hurt by this, and it made me so angry because I thought that liking a guy was nothing compared to what I actually did. If he knew what really happened, just liking another guy would have been a relief. Well, we got in a fight, and I didn't want to stay at home because I felt so guilty for not telling him what really happened. I didn't like lying to him and telling him that I just liked a guy. I wanted to tell him the truth, but I was too scared. Instead I did the worst thing I could do and went over to Brad's house. I got drunk and we ended up kissing and we had sex again. I didn't really try and stop things this time, because at that point I didn't want to care. But he would say things to me like, "why does it matter if you've already done it before?" and "treat me like you don't have a boyfriend." After this time, I realized I didn't really enjoy the sex, and I didn't really like Brad all that much, and I wasn't very attracted to him.

 

My boyfriend found all of this out because he asked me about it. He said if I ever loved him I would tell him the truth, and I finally did. But I didn't want to tell him all the details because it just makes it look worse. I didn't want to tell him it happened before his mom's wedding because I know that he would see it as a sign of me dis-repecting him and his family. He has been there for me through so much, and I have only ever lied to him about this, and about being bulimic and telling him when I puked. The things I lied about were things I am so ashamed about that I don't want anyone to know because it will hurt or disapoint them. The worst part is that I know what I did was wrong, but I was being completely selfish and I hurt him so much. He is the one person I truly love and feel like I would do anything for, but I betrayed him for reasons that I still don't fully understand. I don't know how to live with myself, and I don't want to live without him. Now I feel like I know I do not want to be single because I had everything I needed right in front of me, I just didn't realize that I had the best boyfriend anyone could ask for until I lost him. He told me he hates me, and he'll never be with me again. These words are so harsh, but I know I deserve every ounce of it... I want to do something, ANYTHING to get him back, to prove to him that I CAN change and I will change. I love him and I never meant to hurt him, and I want to make things better so that I can be with him forever. But I don't think there is anything I can do to get him back. And it's so f*cking depressing, because I don't want anyone else in my life but him... I honestly don't think I will find anyone that I love more than him, and it kills me, because I don't know how or why I did that.

 

How do I keep on going on knowing I made the biggest mistake of my life? Can I even repair this relationship, or should I just leave him alone? If anyone has advise for me, I'd really appreciate it.

[Cacophony]

In reading this, several times you mention that you don't understand why you cheated on your BF. My read is that you are not very secure about yourself, and the attn that the new guy gave you was the catalyst for your actions.

 

I do believe you love you BF. He sounds like a good guy, and its possible your connection to the work guy is more excitement than anything else. If you were drunk and felt you couldn't control your actions, I'm making an assumption that you did not use protection. Your BF deserves to know this if he plans to continue the relationship with you, so yes, I feel you need to tell him. Take some time and step back, look at yourself and what went wrong. Good luck.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Your story is very sad. First, how would you have felt if your boyfriend was doing to you what you have been doing to him? The problem was because you refused to be honest with your boyfriend. If you had told him the truth after the first kiss it would have stopped. Here you were going to move in with your boyfriend and you have sex with a guy who kept hitting on you? You refused to be honest and stop it. Your boyfriend begins to question you and you go back and have sex with this guy again? You have totally humiliated and disrespected your boyfriend. It seems to me that you wanted to have sex with this guy and you continued to do it again.

 

Put yourself in your boyfriend's position. He has respected and loved you and asked you to move in and live with him. Your respond by continuing a flirtation with another man ending in having sex with him before your boyfriend's mother's wedding and then you have sex again with this guy. I don't blame your boyfriend feeling the way he does. Why in the world should he believe anything you say? You have shown him that you are a good liar, willing not to him the truth and willing to screw another man and put your boyfriend's health at risk. Hopefully you have learned a very painful lesson that telling the truth and being honest in a relationship is essential.

 

Accept the decision of your boyfriend and allow him to find someone else who values his love and can respect him because you have shown by your actions you have been unable to do so. You have broken the trust and broken his heart. Look in the mirror and ask yourself is this who you want to be? Hopefully in your next relationship you will act better. Always ask yourself if you are unsure, how you would feel if your partner was doing to you what you are thinking of doing to them. It will help you in the future.

[Cacophony]

well, yes bryan, i think she gets the point and probably did before you chastised her. my guess is she proly has done this to herself, and she's here for help, not another lecture.

 

move on, doll. focus on yourself and find the answers as to why this happened, that way you can work on it not happening again. if your BF sees that change in you, maybe with time something will happen. for now, know that his pain is different than yours, and he needs space. again, good luck.

[morrigan]

RedQueen, the best thing at this point would be to focus on yourself. You hurt your ex pretty bad, but it sounds like you've been hurting yourself even more. Is there a good friend, one of your parents, or anyone else you trust that you could talk to? A lot of what you have described--the heavy drinking, bulimia--has their sources in low self esteem, unfortunately, your self esteem is erroded even more when you do those things over time. Is there any way you could talk to a counselor or a therapist? They are pretty expensive, however, does your family know any kind of minister or pastor that you could talk to?

 

It does sound like you gravitated towards Brad because he made you feel good about yourself. IMO, he manipulated the situation the first time you had sex with him. If you were heavily intoxicated and refused his advances, he should have left you alone---it doesn't matter that you willingly made out or had sex with him at other times. Keep yourself at a distance from Brad. If possible, go to a Planned Parenthood or your local health department and get

some tests for STDs run. You can never be too careful.

 

As for your ex, there isn't anyway you can change his mind--don't have contact with him for now. You were honest with him about what happened, but you can't change his anger or his feelings. Even if you were to get back with him, the relationship would not be the same, and what happened with Brad might be brought up every time you two had an argument. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but focus on your life. You can't go back in time and correct the mistake you made, but you can learn from what happened, and learn to respect yourself.

 

You do not need your ex, Brad, or any other guy to be a worthwhile person, to change the way you deal with situations, or to have a good life.

[TheRedQueen]

Originally posted by morrigan

 

A lot of what you have described--the heavy drinking, bulimia--has their sources in low self esteem, unfortunately, your self esteem is erroded even more when you do those things over time.

 

I believe this also had something to do with it. When I was around him and his friends and when I was drinking, I never thought about food or eating. Before that when I would be alone at home, it was all I could think about. I would binge on anything I could get my hands onto until I was so full I had to puke not to feel uncomfortable.

 

It does sound like you gravitated towards Brad because he made you feel good about yourself.

 

The things he said to me made me feel like I was attractive. Not that I didn't feel like my bf was attracted to me, but hearing it from someone new just helped confirm it.

 

IMO, he manipulated the situation the first time you had sex with him. If you were heavily intoxicated and refused his advances, he should have left you alone---it doesn't matter that you willingly made out or had sex with him at other times.

 

My friends and I seem to think he took advantage of the situation (with me being drunk and stoned). Even though I liked him, I didn't consent for him to have sex with me.

 

You do not need your ex, Brad, or any other guy to be a worthwhile person, to change the way you deal with situations, or to have a good life.

 

I don't feel like that is true at all. I had everything with this person, and somehow I didn't... I still don't understand. I don't think my boyfriend wasn't giving me enough, the problem was me. I was just too selfish and had to many self-esteem issues. Not having a self-esteem for years and years makes it so hard to love yourself. I guess I kept going back because it made me feel like I was beautiful and attractive, and for that time I was able not to think about food or dieting and I could just eat normal and see myself normal like everyone else. Now that I think about it, I'm not really sure I even liked him or whether I liked the way I felt around him. I didn't keep going back because I wanted to kiss him or have sex with him. Everytime I returned I made that clear to him.

 

I wish so badly that I could have dealt with this problem through counseling, because I lost everything I have. Now I don't know how I can go on with my life. I wanted a future with my boyfriend, and he is the most important person in my life. Not only has he been there for me through thick and thin, but I focused and centered my life around him, and when we were together we had one of the best relationships I have ever been in. Not to mention better relationships than many of my friends had with their bfs. I guess I don't think I can ever find this again, and I would rather dedicate my life to sharing time with this person for the rest of my life and having a future, than focusing on myself.

 

I really appreciate the advise. I would love to hear more.

[teck21]

Dear RedQueen,

 

You have my sympathy, even though I doubt I am in any position to disg out any, nor is it probably anything you want now.

 

You made a mistake, one for which you are genuinely repentant. Unfortunately, what you did was not simply dip your fingers into the cookie jar when no one was looking. There are some mistakes for which forgiveness and absolution come along very easily, and some for which neither is easy nor even possible, and unfortunately, your error falls into the second category.

 

I am not sure what you can do to convince your bf, and hwat I am going to say, you may not like.

 

I used to have issues with some of my GF's past, and we are talking some things which most people simply wouldn't bat an eyelid upon, but which greatly bothered me for personal reasons. They were always weighing on my mind, despite my Gf's repeated reassuarances, just as your transgression is weighing on your BF's. And they certainly didn't fill me with happy thoughts, and I always feared that someday these thoughts would create a gulf we couldn't breach. However, very recently, I have gone through a tremendously rough patch, one in which I didn't think I could see any light at all. But my GF was there for me throughout, and I realized that how foolish all thoughts were. That I should obssess about anything other than the most important; the fact that she loves me.

 

What I am trying to say here is that in a way, there really isn't very much you can do now except continue giving your BF your love and hoping that he will see it sooner rather than later. What kind of assurance can you give him now? Frankly, none at all. One can only say sorry so many times, and after that it becomes noise.

 

And I have one thing to say about your lack of self-esteem, and again, you probably wouldn't like to hear it. In our modern world, issues such as depression and esteem issues are being increasingly recognized as severe problems that affect some individuals, but one must be cognizant of the fact that in tandem, both are also increasingly used as conveneint shields in our culture of self-victimization and the desire to blame something or someone else for when we simply decided not to take personal responsibility. This is something I am totally familiar with. I am not accusing you of faking or exaggerating your esteem issues, because the only person who could know for sure is yourself. What you have to do is look within yourself and know which it is, and when you do, I'm sure you'll know what to do because you sound very intelligent to me.

 

Sometimes, a good dose of discipline is a good start. Stay off the booze, drugs or cigarettes. I know it's not easy, because even now, I'm still doing a pretty bad job of kicking my smoking. Look where your drinking landed you? And if you do feel you have issues that require professional help, you have to speak to your BF about it, because he is after all the first person who should know, and is in the best position to help, although whether he will do it now is uncertain.

 

I wish you all the best and hope you will work something out.

 

HOWEVER, there is something that puzzles me. You mentioned that, 'Then my boyfriend started to figure things out and first just found out that I liked another guy.', which was before you hooked up with Brad. I take it you mean liked in some romantic sense. How this is possible if you love your BF escapes me.

[noni]

i suggest you read a book called "the ethical slut"..

it deals with alot of things you are experiencing and feeling...

[Penman]

I wish there was a way to fix what happened in your relationship, but there isn't.

 

You may feel you love your BF more than anything, but that's not what you showed him through your behavior- and ultimately that's what he will remember.

 

Fixing your relationship with your BF would be difficult at best. The first thing I would suggest is to accept his feelings and decisions. If he doesn't want to continue, respect that and let him move on.

 

You know how love works. Sometimes we think the person we are with is perfect for us, and when we lose them, we think we'll never find that kind of love or happiness again. The amazing thing is that we do.

 

We have to take our lessons from the relationship. We have to learn how to be better people and when we've learned enough- we'll find long term, satisfying relationships that are deeper and heathier than ever before.

 

You've made mistakes and you've acknolwedged them. Now learn from them.

 

Good luck.

[Billy1978]

Dear THEREDQUEEN,

 

It has been about 2 weeks since your posting, and I hope things are better and you feel less anxious and guilty about what you've done. A lot of people have come on here to castigate you, but I just don't think any of what they've said could hurt more than how you must feel. Hurting a loved one is about the worst feeling one must learn to deal with; I know, because I've been there.

 

I don't think NOW is the best time to try to get back together with your ex-boyfriend. He is probably very angry (and rightly so), and you should give him time to decide what he wants to do with himself. He's probably just as confused as you are now, but with the added injury of having to be the one that was cheated on. I mean, it's a blow to HIS self-esteem, and no one wants to develop these negative feelings because of the actions of a lover and confidant. It's the ultimate betrayal, since in a monogamous relationship you SHOW your love by PROMISING to devote yourself sexually to him. So, even though you're repentant, you need to realize that all the crying and "I'm sorry" in the world won't change his hurt, and won't bring back the beautiful memories you probably replay over and over in your mind. It's sad, I know. Time heals all wounds, and this wound needs time. Circle a date on your calendar (sometime next month maybe), and give him that much time to think before you call him again.

 

Now, as far as YOUR self-esteem. I'm no psychologist, but I think this IS the biggest issue you will have to face so that this doesn't happen to you again. I personally have had to accept that I fall into the trap of defining myself (my self-worth, attractiveness, and sexiness) by how many people want to sleep with me. Like you said, when the other person wants ME despite my perceived flaws and inadequacies it has the effect of making me feel better about myself. It's a form of narcisism, really. Afterwards, though, I feel ridden with guilt, so much so that I too have vomited out of the anxiety and the overwhelming weight of my guilt.

 

Perhaps my second piece of advice is to seriously undertake an examination of your values, since strong values will help you when you are feeling weakest. I think if you want to be monogamous you have to truly value monogamy; you have to believe it serves some good. This will help you avoid trying to rationalize things as you dig yourself even deeper into the hole. My opinion is that you should learn to limit your contact with guys when you're in a committed relationship. Easier said than done, I know. But, if you adopt these sorts of preventative behaviors (however prudish they sound) and they become associated with your relationship and "personal values", then it will be harder for you to get yourself into a sticky situation.

 

That said, I commend you for pooling your thoughts and taking the time to seek advice on the net; it shows that you're taking the time to think about what you've done. It's painful, but keep at it. Keep in touch with friends and talk to those that are willing to help you through this and listen. And as hard as it may be to accept now, "this too shall pass".

 

Best wishes.

[amer]

You blew it with that boyfriend you think you love yet betray so easily.

 

You point to your drinking and drugging for clouding your decisionmaking process.

 

Well, hello! Stop drinking and taking drugs.

 

 

You have NO CHANCE of connecting with an honorable man while you continue those two activities.

 

A woman in love with a clear head will never allow herself to screw around as you did.

 

Even as you explore the way you introduce self-desuctructive and relationshipkilling drama in yor life, clean up the chemical usage.

[ConfusedInOC]

The key, I am finding, to most episodes of cheating is drugs and alcohol.

 

Seems to me we remain faithful when we remain in control of our minds....

 

Just a guess though.....

[TheRedQueen]

Wow, some pretty harsh comments out there.

 

I've stopped drinking all the time to fix my problems, and I've turned my focus towards school. I know I have a lot of issues with self-control when I'm drunk. I don't blame what happened entirely on drinking, but I think it definately played a part.

 

Now things are kind of up in the air. My ex and I are talking on a regular basis (a couple of times a day) and we see each other on occation. I'm still unclear as to where things are going. There are times when I feel that he can forgive me and things can return to normal, and there are times when I think he'll never be able to move past this. I know that if he decides to stay with me, I will commit myself to regaining his trust and learning from my mistakes so that something like this never happens again.

 

I wanted to know if anyone has ever had success in rebuilding a relationship and getting back together after their partner has cheated? Do things ever really return back to normal? Can you ever trust your partner again? I am mostly worried about the fact that although my partner may "forgive" me, he will never forget and I will constantly be reminded of what I did. I feel like at some point I will have payed for my mistake, or proven myself trustworthy and fully commited again, and yet I will still be treated like I am a bad person.

[Cecelius]

You may not be a bad person and everyone is entitled to recover their goodness, but what you did to your b/f was the worst kind of hit a man can possibly get.

 

The ONLY way you won't be reminded of what you did is to find a new man [and not cheat on him].

[JX]

Hope you're doing better, time has past. For your relationship will not work, at least in would be a very good one, until you something new to give. Taking only new guilt, and using it to try to reassure him is not enough, although for periods it seem so. The only way he can trust you again is if he knows that you do only what you want, and that you know what that is. For that you have to be clearer to yourself and you have to be able to say "NO" and sustain it. These two steps are very hard to acheive, so if you want to live a better life, maybe with your BF, you HAVE to go to therapy or learn to pray a lot. You are young and have a long way to go.

Sorry about the language, I usually dont write in english.

Lots of luck!

[Mary3]

Just so you can understand :

What you do when you are * drunk * is a mirror of who you really are :

 

So if you acted whore-like and had sex with this man then we can rightly assume this whore-ish behavior has some merit :

 

The alcohol takes away the vail of civilty ....

 

For instance a man who gets drunk and beats his wife cannot blame the alcohol ( soley nor completely ). For, he is a beater/batterer and the alcohol takes away any civil behavior control and shows his true side. Completely.

 

So if you feeling like having sex with Brad then you drink alchohol ,to act on that sexual tryst then we can assume anything you do while drunk you will be held *accountable.*

 

Now not I am not calling you a whore. But you were drinking quite a bit there and can we assume you might be a functioning alcoholic. ( Dont answer that for at least 6 months of sobriety.)

 

I lived with a heavy drinker. I am familiar with why he had to hit me and only later learned thats who he really was inside...The alcohol just made it easier to get to that point.