edwardo47 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Been on an emotional rollercoaster since the wife told me she was leaving on 11/10. I ran all the feelings and tried to convince her to give it one more chance for the sake of the children and the marriage, which had much more good than bad. I have monitored phone, had friend follow her when I thought OM might be involved but other than the time I caught her on phone, nothing seems to be going on. She stayed at parents house with the kids over Thanksgiving weekend. She came home and is acting like she was before she told me. Very nice, trying to take care of me. Still cooking, cleaning doing laundry, folding mine putting it away. I said to her I am continuing counseling and group therapy. I get it. She said why did it take so long. She told me she was lonely but I did not get it then but I do now. She said nothings changed and she signed the lease today. Nice place next to the pond where the children and I ice skate, fish. I know I have to let her go. This week we are going to the mediator. We are going in uncontested. I get the house which I paid off years ago. We are also trying to wipe our debt out,70K between the 2 of us. Must be coming from her trust but I am not sure. Next week we will tell children. It breaks my heart. And if I am out of the marriage my desires as a man won't go away, so I have decided to get a vasectomy. Pre op is next Wednesday. This is all moving so fast and my head is spinning. I know that if she leaves there is probably no hope for us as a couple. When I told her about the vasectomy she was shocked. Had the look like I dont want my man to be with another woman. Eyes welled up. Early on in the break she said her biggest fear was I would have children with a new woman. Not gonna do that. Making sure. I am behind her decision if it is what she wants. I'm okay when she is not around but when she is here I am attracted to her and still love her. Mixed up it is. She was the love of my life and I did everything for our family except lately the loneliness I caused her. I have another thread previous to this if anyone wants to know the story. I have to put the children to sleep now. Feeling sad and confused at the moment. Any feedback is greatly desired. Thank you all in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Cedarman Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Sorry for what you're going through. Just wanted to quickly comment on the vasectomy - was that something you've thought through ahead of your marital problems? The way you described it, it seems like a rash decision in response to the prospect of being single again. If so, maybe you should wait until your emotions have stabilized before making such a decision? When you're hit with something like this, your emotions are raw and dominate your thoughts 24/7. Not the best state of mind to be making decisions. Anyway - rely upon your friends, family, IC and forums like this to vent and get support. Make sure you get enough sleep and enough exercise - exercise is a great way to focus and get your mind temporarily off of your problems. Stay strong and positive for your kids and for yourself. I've been there and it sucks - but just remember, it gets better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edwardo47 Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 Sorry for what you're going through. Just wanted to quickly comment on the vasectomy - was that something you've thought through ahead of your marital problems? The way you described it, it seems like a rash decision in response to the prospect of being single again. If so, maybe you should wait until your emotions have stabilized before making such a decision? When you're hit with something like this, your emotions are raw and dominate your thoughts 24/7. Not the best state of mind to be making decisions. Anyway - rely upon your friends, family, IC and forums like this to vent and get support. Make sure you get enough sleep and enough exercise - exercise is a great way to focus and get your mind temporarily off of your problems. Stay strong and positive for your kids and for yourself. I've been there and it sucks - but just remember, it gets better. Regarding the vasectomy. I do realize it seems rash with all that I am going through. But I am a man who will have needs. I have a big house and lottsa assets. I want to make sure I have nobody that wants to "move in" because I will be able to support a "mistake" child. I have 2 beautiful children already and they are my life. Their mother on the other hand is a cold selfish woman. Talked to her again tonight and she reiterated she has changed and does not want to be married. I don't need a woman who does not want me. Her and her citalopram. It has definately "changed" her. Once she is out, it will get better. She is ugly to me on the inside. Let her get old alone. 10 years has done much more to her physical looks than it has to me. The depression diet has done wonders for me. Lost 15 pounds in 2 and a half weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
loneman Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 I would put the hold on the vasectomy. It seems to me you are doing it more for her than for yourself. There are other ways to protect against unwanted pregnancy. Even if you decide to do it I would not tell her. I was having the same thoughts when she left...but now I am glad I did not do it. There is always time for that, and it's not like you are going to jump into another relationship right away. I would highly advise against that. Work on yourself first, spend some time alone, figure out what went wrong so you do not bring the emotional baggage into your next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Cedarman Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Regarding the vasectomy. I do realize it seems rash with all that I am going through. But I am a man who will have needs. I have a big house and lottsa assets. I want to make sure I have nobody that wants to "move in" because I will be able to support a "mistake" child. I have 2 beautiful children already and they are my life. Their mother on the other hand is a cold selfish woman. Talked to her again tonight and she reiterated she has changed and does not want to be married. I don't need a woman who does not want me. Her and her citalopram. It has definately "changed" her. Once she is out, it will get better. She is ugly to me on the inside. Let her get old alone. 10 years has done much more to her physical looks than it has to me. The depression diet has done wonders for me. Lost 15 pounds in 2 and a half weeks. I hear you, but you might want to use condoms - just for safety and health sake anyway while you're enjoying the single life. What if you meet a woman, who is truly the woman of your dreams and you BOTH want to have another child? Just trying to play devil's advocate here. You're in the midst of the worst part of the rollercoaster - no time to be making decisions about snipping something that is very complicated to reverse - especially when there are other temporary solutions. Just my opinion. I'm 53 and my wife and I discussed a vasectomy a few years ago. When I went to my doctor, he talked me out of it because my "loyal" wife was entering an age where pre-menopausal symptoms were already showing. So my doc said not to bother. Now, here I am, a few years later - separated and my wife is trying to act like she is mid-30's (she looks mid-30's) - but she is definitely entering menopause. Don't know if she realizes it... Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 The depression diet has done wonders for me. Lost 15 pounds in 2 and a half weeks. I've been told I've lost too much weight as well, but 15lbs in 2 weeks isn't healthy at all...unless you're really overweight or something. I'm losing weight too, my H and I are going through a very difficult time. Hang in there and I know being bitter and finding rationalization for why she left is comforting, but try and move on in a way that you both don't end up bitter and resentful, especially since you have kids together. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) "I have monitored phone, had friend follow her when I thought OM might be involved" If you have to have your wife tracked and monitor her phone then your marriage is as dead as dead can be. Who would want to be with someone who has the personality traits to have them stalked and investigated? Nobody, and now you have conformation of that because she has left. As it turns out (as he disclosed in another thread), he's since discovered that she's a cheater. His gut was right and you were an insulting ass about it. I'm glad he found out the truth instead of being played for a fool by his manipulative wife. Edited November 29, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
PoopHappens Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 (edited) "I have monitored phone, had friend follow her when I thought OM might be involved" If you have to have your wife tracked and monitor her phone then your marriage is as dead as dead can be. Who would want to be with someone who has the personality traits to have them stalked and investigated? Nobody, and now you have conformation of that because she has left. 99/100 times there likely is an OP. i know there was for me and knowing this makes all decisions going forward easier. Well if not easier at least more certain. I never so much as looked in my wife's purse in 25 years until she gave every reason to. Edited November 29, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
MsOptimist Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 My timeline was similar to yours. My husband is the one who wanted out, but I moved out (by choice) in about a month's timespan. It felt like the speed of light, but now I'm actually glad that it happened so quickly. I think it would have been worse to have it drag on longer. It has been 2 months since I've been moved out and I already feel better, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was crushed to the core when my husband told me he didn't want me or love me anymore, but I adopted the same attitude that you have - that I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I don't have kids so I can't speak on that, but having less contact with my husband since I moved has been good for me. Obviously you will have to have contact with your wife because of the kids, and hopefully that doesn't set you back too much. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve better and you WILL be happy again. I already feel like I'm on the path to happiness again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 Apologies in advance for the footnote to this thread - but why does it seem like a lot of waywards pull this stunt around the holidays??? It's like they have to kamikaze everything in one fell swoop. Link to post Share on other sites
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