I've lived with my boyfriend for almost 3 yrs..isnt it time to talk about marriage?

[Confused on love]

Please help. I need some advice! I have been dating my boyfriend for three years. He and I met in college and after five short months moved in together. It was very rushed and for a while I wasn't sure we had made the right decision moving in so quickly. It was very tough at first, but things have really been going great for us. We have both since graduated and both work full time jobs. It seems only natural that after three years of living together, and recently purchasing a home together, that the next logical step would be marriage.

 

When it comes to him though, marriage is apparently the last thing on his mind. If I bring up the "m" work he completely freaks out and gets really aggravated and frustrated with me. I usually end up with my feelings hurt and trying to figure out what is wrong with our relationship!!

 

We used to talk about when we first moved in together, but one night he just decided that it was a horrible topic and has never talked about since. He told me that at some point during my senior year of college we would become engaged. Here I am, two months after graduation, with no wedding plans. It just seems like he wants to wait forever!

 

I have always heard from a lot of people that once you move in with someone, its very difficult to get them to commit to marriage. In my case, this seems to be true? Don't get me wrong, its a topic that I bring up very rarely but we both get asked all the time by other people (family & friends) on when we are going to get married. It gets aggravating because I never know how to respond and he just ignores them.

 

I feel like I have been with him three years, he should be getting it together by now and growing up a little! He is 24 and I am 22, I know we are young but its like lets either do this or let me move on with my life. I am just stuck?!?!?! Is it me? What could be his issue on marriage? It used to be this financial reasoning behind him wanting to wait.....but it's not the case anymore. Now he spends all of his money on his car! What would you do????

 

Thanks,

Confused

8/8/04

[Pocky]

Tell him that marriage is important to you and is something you want in your life. Explain that discussing marriage right now is not an attempt to pressure him into getting married but that you need to understand what his expectations are. Does he plan on getting married? If not, then why doesn't he want to. If so, then what does he need to have in order for it to be the right time. If you've been together for three years I would think you should at least be able to sit down and talk about it like an adult. Tell him to stop being such a wimp and just tell you what he wants in his life.

[mixedup2]

I am currently at the end of of the typ of relationship you are talking about and my advice to you is figure out if its worth losing him to push him to get married to you. I have pushed for about 5 mths with it turning into him breaking up with me three days ago saying its just not fun being with me anymore and he isn't happy

[batitm]

First I'd like to let you know you're not alone. My bf and I have lived together a year and are 24. I'm already ready to get engaged then married so 3 years sounds like a long time to me as well. First reading your post I thought you should outright tell him if he's never going to get married then you want to move on, its up to you how long you can wait. Now I have a question for messedup. Was it worth it or do you wish you had him back?

[feesh13]

I've been with my bf for 6 years and lived together about 1.5 and we've talked about it but both agree that we aren't ready to get married yet and that in a couple years would be a good time. (I'm 22 he's 26)

 

I don't think there is a time limit but you guys should be on the same page as far as it goes. If it's something you feel important and he doesn't for whatever reason then maybe it's not meant to be. I agree you guys should talk and see what his future plans are maybe he just has some issues he needs to work through.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

[binturong]

This is just me, but I wouldn't have wanted to get married before I was 25 anyway. You're both in your early 20's, why not enjoy it and just have fun before settling down to married life? My DF and I got together when I was 19 and moved in together after 1 year. We lived together for 4 years before he proposed (have now been together for a total of 6 years) and I wouldn't have had it any other way. We got to enjoy our life and goof off...if we wanted to waste money going out to eat every night, that's what we did. If we wanted to buy stuff, we did. Only now do we feel we're responsible enough to have a family and a house payment. It's good to get all your partying out of your system before marriage. Again, that's just me...we saw getting married as the beginning of starting a family, so we will want children soon afterwards. Maybe you don't. Maybe you just want to be married. And that's fine too, but you both have to be ready for it and it doesn't sound like he is.

[Confused on love]

Thanks for all the good advice. I realize that he and I really do need to talk about what we want in the future. I have brought it up in the past and he just always blows it off or doesn't want to talk about. I told him once that it's fine he doesn't want to talk about....but I don't want to wait forever. He knows there is a time that might come when he has just waited too long.

 

I understand that we are both in our early 20's. I guess I have just never seen a happy marriage in my family....everyone has been divorced at least once or twice. That is why it is so important to me because I know that he and I could have a good marriage and that marriage is something that has been very strong in his family. We both were pretty much into partying and that kind of thing when we were first dating...early in college, but both have since not done much of it. We barely go out like that...usually its dinner and movies.

 

Most of my friends are in serious relationships, married, or already have children. Our life is already so "marriage like" with our house and all of our responsibilities. Children isn't something I am sure that I will ever be ready for.....we talk about children though. It's something he wants but I told him if we had them I don't want to until I am in my late 20's because I want a career first. I didn't work hard to get through college to just be a mom.

 

I think its just that we come from such different backgrounds. I am afraid to bring it up because I don't want to make him made, i don't want him to feel pressured or forced into it....I just want it to be an open topic and it's not! I don't know how to approach it. I just wish I know what was going on in his head!!!!

[Samson]

I'll try to crawl inside his head (being a male myself, I'm used to the cramped conditions there, particularly if he's 24).

 

You're going to have to chill if you really think you're gonna marry the guy. You're going to need all your feminine wiles to throw the net over this wild stallion, and you don't need your emotions getting in the way. This means subtleness (your "stealth bomber"). You see, males are almost totally ignorant of anything that doesn't hit us between the eyes. When you "bring up the 'm' word," you hit him across the forehead with a 2X4 and he "freaks out."

 

Remember also that he must, at the very least, believe HE IS IN CONTROL OF THE RELATIONSHIP. When you remind him of his rather cavalier remark about an engagement ring your senior year, your are also reminding him he's failed and he's probably not in control. We do not like this. We do not like women that remind us of this. Do not do this. He likes his car because it doesn't do this. Truely, we are simple beasts.

 

At 22 and 24, IMHO, you wild and crazy kids ought to be thinking about spending a summer in Europe, seeing Tailand, going to Austrailia and hiking the outback. Forget the marriage thing. LET HIM BRING IT UP. Ignore the questions from "other people (family & friends) on when we are going to get married," and let them know, in a firm but fair way that YOU and HE MAY announce your plans if and when you are DAMN READY, AND NOT ONE MINUTE BEFORE! (Ok, not the choice words, but you get my point). BTW: He'd really be impressed if you did this in front of him.

 

Hope you have fun and wait another 10 years (I usually recommend 25 years, but I can tell you're not gonna make it that long).

[treegirl]

I'm only 19 and have only been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years.

 

I know that you can't put a time frame on marriage, I know a girl, she's 27, been with her boyfriend for 10 years and even they aren't engaged. Some ppl never get engaged where as some ppl do....

 

If your that worried about it though talk to your boyfriend about it.....

 

Love TreeGirl

xoxo

[Confused on Love]

Samson,

 

You are probably right! My subtle hints apparently come as a slap in the face to him!! That was probably exactly what I needed to hear....a guy's perspective. See, I would love to be out traveling and living the 22 & 24 life. But he doens't...he thinks you should work hard and play when you are older. I would love to travel around the world....I haven't gotten him to even go on a vacation with me in over 2 years! He is much more into the grown up life.....and granted we have a huge commitment already (having a mortgage together!)

 

The control thing is probably our biggest issue...I have that he needs to be in control. I want this completely equal partnership, not what my parents had. I want just as much say and everything split down the middle. I don't expect things from him....I expect us to split things (even when we go out we split it 50/50 - even though he makes more $$$ than me!)

 

The car things scares me because that was one of the things that I liked so much about him....he wasn't into the car thing. I dated a guy for a couple of years who cared more about his car than anything else in his life....and I obviously got to the point that I couldn't take it anymore.

His whole life revolved around that...he would put money in his car and not worry as much about the bills. I couldn't handle that if I became a 2nd priority to that car......

 

I don't know...I guess I am just being a silly girl. Every girl dreams of the perfect wedding since they are little girls.......I need to just learn patience....but that is only a virtue that comes w/ time!

 

Thanks again.....you actually made me feel a lot better

[Samson]

Every girl dreams of the perfect wedding since they are little girls

 

Yes the system has programmed you from a young age. Resist the temtation to dream and focus on reality. Certainly the guys might have many attributes (one is he pays 50%?), but you have the luxury now to change the direction of your life without the burden of divorce. If you know you want to do activities X, Y, and Z, and he's interested in A, B, and C, then perhaps it's a good thing he did not give you a ring.

 

Think about it.

 

The marriage thing is a deep hole.

 

Do you want to climb down in it with this guy?

[morrigan]

I agree with everyone else on here--don't pout or give the ultimatums. It will blow up in your face. Shotgun engagements don't make blissful marriages.

If you are still with this guy in a few years and desire to get married, and he still hasn't discussed a marital future of his own free will, then you can end it with him.

 

You're young; this is the time to enjoy your life, with or without this guy. Make plans for your future. If you get a great job in another region, take it, if you decide you want to go on a vacation, do so. Enjoy being single.

[kinziepooh]

Hey, I know how you are feeling, that you want the stability of marrige and all the bells and whistle right???

 

Keep this in mind, he wants to commit to you. He has committed to you. Alot, in just three short years. He has done so much to show you that he wants to be with you. Relax, you have the rest of your twenties to get married. Give it time, the best relationships take time, enjoy the ride and stop riding his butt about what he is doing in his own time, I mean don't you want him to marry you cause he thought of it and not because you nagged him about it. It will be important in you marriage to know that it was because HE!!!!!! wanted it more than anything else in the world, stop chasing him, he is a man you'll never catch him, let him chase you and he'll catch you and if you run just hard enough, he'll keep you.

[slubberdegullion]

Why bother getting married anyway? If you've been together that long, you're already common-law (depending on your jurisdiction) so legally there is little difference between your current state and a post-marriage state. Besides, weddings are frightfully expensive, extraordinarily stressful, and have a tendency to bring out the worst in mothers and mothers-in-law-to-be.

 

Relax. Chill. Here, have a cigar.

[glittergurl]

Well, the question is not whether 22 or whatever age is "the right age" to get married; the question is: Why does he get mad about it? I mean, he could just calmly say that he doesn't feel ready for it, and that would be perfectly understandable. Or he could just tell you that he loves you and wants to stay with you, but does not like the idea of a wedding.

 

Why such a heavy, negative reaction?

 

I don't know, I wouldn't keep asking if he'd want to get married. Instead, I would try to find out why he's making it such a big deal. Ask him flat out if he's planning on staying with you at all; because his reactions are showing the opposite ... Tell him it makes you very insecure and makes you wonder about his feelings and honesty.

 

Also maybe tell him that just an engagement ring would be nice; you don't have to get married right away or even decide about a date within a year. You could get an engagement ring and actually get married whenever, even in 2 or 3 years if he wants to. But I completely understand that after 3 years, you'd want at least some kind of proof of commitment.

 

Also maybe hint that if he's scared of big ceremonies, that you guys could just have a small, private ceremony?

 

I don't know, I get the feeling maybe he's having doubts about this relationship. You definitely need to talk it out, find out what's wrong, and then work on solutions. Getting mad about this topic is just not right; there's something more to it.

[glittergurl]

Okay, I am PI$$ED at kinziepooh right now!! I spent 10 minutes writing an elaborate answer, and now I just realized the original post is from AUGUST 2004!! Why did you answer to such an old topic today?

 

Ughhh She could have married and divorced since then.

[Outcast]

It's that stupid 'other posts like this' thing they still haven't gotten rid of. Makes for a tiresome amount of answers to old, old posts.

[slubberdegullion]

oh s***... didn't notice that.

 

make mental note: check dates of OP

[Stormy99]

From what you say I believe you know the answer to this question. You have given this man all the conveniences of being married with none of the responsiblities. Why should he change ? He is getting free sex and at the same time you have no peace of mind ( not that marriage always offers peace of mind ). but the point is you want to be wanted in that way and you are not being fulfilled. Your best move is to forget the last 3 years as best as you can be grateful that it was not 13 years. He is getting to have his cake and eat it to when all you are getting is well used up. You need to tell this man off in no uncertain terms and tell him everything on your mind. Do this so that later you will not wish that you had said so and so to him.

 

Remember this, from now on. There is a huge difference between sex and making love. There is one type of guy you can have quick sex with. That is the type you have physical chemistry with but you know he is not relatinship-material. Go ahead and have a few rolls in the hay with this type of man. BUT when you find the one that you want to have real relationship or marriage with -- DO NOT GO ALL THE WAY until he makes an emotional committment to you. It is even better if you shy away from sex althogether until you get married. And dont tell him what you did with other guys.

[just worried]

This is my situation....... I want to get married too. My boyfriend and I of 2 years have bought a house together and we own a very busy sign making business. We are exactly where we want to be in life, but for me there is one thing missing, the ring. Well, as you know it is almost Christmas and I accidentally came accross a reciept from a jewellery store ( I do know it's for me) a ring. But the problem is, is that it's a fashion ring NOT an engagement ring. I just do not understand why he would buy me a ring without any intentions of asking the question. We getted bugged all the time about marriage and kids and he knows it bothers me very much, but we have never really sat down and discussed mariage. My problem is, is that I DO NOT want this ring if it's no the real thing. The reason is......can you imagine how I will get bothered again with a ring on my finger that doesn't mean anything at all?. How do I tell him on Christmas day that I don't want the ring? Or should I talk to him before?