I went through his phone. I didn't like what I found.

[Solcita2]

1) A couple of nights ago BF was meeting a mutual friend to discuss a new business. Even when the business plan is mine, as our friend is Japanese he's more comfortable talking about it with the male, the idea was he would talk it out and we would get together the day after tomorrow.

As the day approchaed BF told me he told our friend he could bring a friend over, which to me was a bad idea... they were going to talk business, why bring more people to the table?

5AM he comes back and tells me the MALE friend of our friend, ended up being a girl, and he didn't understand why our friend didn't specify that.

 

I didn't believe it... It was too stupid... Don't know why I went through his phone and found out that our friend talked about a FEMALE friend the entire time. Why the lying?

 

2) He's been helping a girl with college wich bring a lot of problems to us, even to the point of almost separating (we live together): After a huge fight, he changed, he kept telling me how he didn't care about that kid anymore, that he would never text her to ask if she needed help or anything like that, but that he only replied to her whenever she wrote (he would not iniciate the communication).

He also told me that he never had dinner at her place because they were too busy working, and that the enviroment wasn't the best because she was too stressed.

In the textes I saw that not only he does persue her, but he went to pick her up to school a couple of days ago, and he cooks for her and bought wine at least twice.

 

3) Our mutual friend is wanting to start a serious relationship and BF had no better idea to introduce him an ex GF of his... I thought it was disgusting and asked him not to, because if they do hook up I had to interact with her and didn't want... we're starting business together for god's sake.

Well, it didn't matter because BF wrote her about him, asking her to meet our friend. At one point he said "he's great, you're great... you should be great together" (even when she's nothing like what he's looking for).

 

How do I confront him with this when I found it all out while going through his phone?

I'm done. Once you lie to me, I'm done... I'm starting to doubt every single word he says... but I need to confront him... my mom's suggestion was to tell him I was just tired, that he changed and is no longer the man i fell for (which is true) and that I can't keep making up for someone else's mistakes (his).

 

I've been through hysterical crying, to terribly mad... now I'm just idle trying to figure out what to do next... how to confront him with this information.

 

What do you guys think?

[Balzac]

About the business plan or the douchebag?

[Minka333]

I don't think it's a good idea to start business with a liar. Who knows what else he is capable of doing?

 

You don't have to make up excuses. Tell him outright what's bothering you. Then let him deal with the consequences of his stupidity.

[Balzac]

The most significant statement " we're starting business together for god's sake."

 

LLC? Other type of partnership? You've got more serious issues than a cheating boyfriend.

[Solcita2]

The business is just an idea nw, nothing is signed and it was for next year.

 

my question is how to confront him with is lies when I got the information throug non saint ways... he will turn it all around against me, about being insecure and stuff and even acussing me of being a child...

 

maybe the best idea is to just ask for separation without telling him all I know...

 

obviously business will be forgoten,

[Balzac]

You live together. One presumes that a lease exists. I would not bother w confrontation. Find a new apt and be gone.

[Toddbt12y1]

I'd just tell him. In the end it seems like you have nothing to lose at this point, as you are going to end the relationship anyhow. Trust me, I know what it is like to be played, lied too( a lot), and even cheated on. Even if you didn't tell him you snooped through his info, he will still turn it around somehow on you(they all do, trust me on that...they don't like to look bad.)

You asked him a simple thing: do not hook this person up, with an ex-g/f, as you would have to interact with this person(you didn't want too..), he disrespected you for one: two...your trust is effected...Frankly I would just let him know: nothing at this point will change anything; sometimes, even if you are the good-one, you have to take the badguy blow, even though you aren't...

Tell him how he hurt you, how he lied, and has changed, and broken your trust in him. It is hard, but you can do it if your mind is set on it.(then again, you can just leave, you are not married, just say we aren't compatiable anymore, and be done with it..)

[whichwayisup]

The business is just an idea nw, nothing is signed and it was for next year.

 

my question is how to confront him with is lies when I got the information throug non saint ways... he will turn it all around against me, about being insecure and stuff and even acussing me of being a child...

 

maybe the best idea is to just ask for separation without telling him all I know...

 

obviously business will be forgoten,

 

Just tell him the business deal is off the table and the relationship is over. That you know the truth and there's no need for him to lie and deny anymore.

 

This guy is a total di.ck and the best thing you can do is get far away from him. Sorry that you're going through this. Oh and don't 'ask'. Just TELL him separation.

[Solcita2]

Thank you guys for your replies and your support.

 

I think at this point doesn't matter all the questions around. The important matter is that he lied, I found out, that's it.

 

It disgusts me the way he can lie the way he does and at the same time try to be romantic with me... I swear I feel I'm not talking about him right now... weird.

 

One step at the time.

[MissBee]

You live together. One presumes that a lease exists. I would not bother w confrontation. Find a new apt and be gone.

 

I sort of agree.

 

I don't think you should just up and move and not say ANYTHING at all...but when you dig through someone's phone, yes you do end up looking badly as well, so I'd not even bother to bring that up. The fact that you felt you needed to do that was enough.

 

I'd just tell him I felt he was being dishonest and I felt uncomfortable and if he wanted to admit to anything, as "sources" have given you some info and you want to confirm with him. In any case...if you don't trust him, and if lying means you're done. Then be done. No huge confrontation necessary.

[Mr. Lucky]

3) Our mutual friend is wanting to start a serious relationship and BF had no better idea to introduce him an ex GF of his... I thought it was disgusting and asked him not to, because if they do hook up I had to interact with her and didn't want... we're starting business together for god's sake.

Well, it didn't matter because BF wrote her about him, asking her to meet our friend. At one point he said "he's great, you're great... you should be great together" (even when she's nothing like what he's looking for).

While I certainly agree with what others have said about the lying and integrity issues, I wonder if your BF is weak enough to lie to you simply because you might be a hard person to be honest with ? He can't even make his own decision about whether to introduce an ex GF to a friend without incurring your wrath and disapproval? Ouch...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Solcita2]

While I certainly agree with what others have said about the lying and integrity issues, I wonder if your BF is weak enough to lie to you simply because you might be a hard person to be honest with ? He can't even make his own decision about whether to introduce an ex GF to a friend without incurring your wrath and disapproval? Ouch...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I understand your point and I also thought of it.

 

I can understand the reason why he didn't tell me about his ex GF thingie. What it does bother me is the fact that if he wrote her before asking me, he should have told me... and if he wrote after asking me, then why did he ask me in the first place when he does know what I feel about this particular ex?

What will he do if she agrees to meet our friend? Will he continue lying saying they met on the street or something like that?

He could have told me that our friend saw her and wanted to meet her and he couldn't refuse to introduce them or something like that...

 

I just wrote about the ex thing because I read three things in his phone and the three things I read were 2 lies and 1 thing he did behind my back. In the confrontation (which still hasn't happen) I don't plan to talk about it.

 

His exes have been a source of issues between us, but because of the type or relationship he wants to have with them. I don't care if he is friends with them. I care the fact that he pushes me into having a relationship with them as well. He has talked to this ex about a project I'm working on and even suggested me to hire her to work with me. When I said no he asked me if he could ask an uncle of mine to hire her (that would force me to see her daily btw)

I don't like this girl, I can't stand her. If he wants to talk with her once in a while, I don't care. But he can't force me or ask me to be friends with her.

 

I have asked him in the past not to tell me if they contact him and they talk because I DON'T CARE... so the "omission" of this communication can fall into this request. Even when he never payed attention to this before.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can understand the reason why he didn't tell me about his ex GF thingie. What it does bother me is the fact that if he wrote her before asking me, he should have told me... and if he wrote after asking me, then why did he ask me in the first place when he does know what I feel about this particular ex?

What will he do if she agrees to meet our friend? Will he continue lying saying they met on the street or something like that?

He could have told me that our friend saw her and wanted to meet her and he couldn't refuse to introduce them or something like that...

 

I just wrote about the ex thing because I read three things in his phone and the three things I read were 2 lies and 1 thing he did behind my back. In the confrontation (which still hasn't happen) I don't plan to talk about it.

 

His exes have been a source of issues between us, but because of the type or relationship he wants to have with them. I don't care if he is friends with them. I care the fact that he pushes me into having a relationship with them as well. He has talked to this ex about a project I'm working on and even suggested me to hire her to work with me. When I said no he asked me if he could ask an uncle of mine to hire her (that would force me to see her daily btw)

I don't like this girl, I can't stand her. If he wants to talk with her once in a while, I don't care. But he can't force me or ask me to be friends with her.

 

I have asked him in the past not to tell me if they contact him and they talk because I DON'T CARE... so the "omission" of this communication can fall into this request. Even when he never payed attention to this before.

Again, I'll just point out that your POV is all about how you feel, what works for you and how you see things affecting you. With two people, your side is only half the picture.

I'd certainly not be looking to make any further committment with him, business or boyfriend wise.

Amen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[veggirl]

Is this the guy that stays over at the girls house "helping her with school" until like 4 am and whatnot? And you are never invited, so on and so forth?

 

Honestly, just tell him "Hey I KNOW you lied. I am done." and be done with him! He is a big fat liar and he has been carrying on like this for ages!!

[Solcita2]

Is this the guy that stays over at the girls house "helping her with school" until like 4 am and whatnot? And you are never invited, so on and so forth?

 

Honestly, just tell him "Hey I KNOW you lied. I am done." and be done with him! He is a big fat liar and he has been carrying on like this for ages!!

 

Yeap, this is him... after our big fight he seemed to have changed, he even started helping around the house and all! And he kept telling me how much he changed his ways... telling me he did a click on his behavior... and realized he was being used and what-not.

That's why I said he told me he stopped asking her how she was doing and how work was and blah blah blah and he would only reply when she wrote him... he would never iniciate the communication. Now I know is a lie.

 

In the other hand he started going out more often, and out of 7 days in a week I'd sleep along probably 4... when I'm the one working and supporting the household it doesn't seem very fair to me... in our fight I pointed out that I hated this... I'm out of the house all the time working, why doesn't he goes out during the day and stays with me at night? I'm out all day long and he leaves when I arrive... what's the point?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm out of the house all the time working, why doesn't he goes out during the day and stays with me at night? I'm out all day long and he leaves when I arrive... what's the point?

He avoids you and you disapprove of much of what he does (rightly so in many instances). You've been asked a couple of times - other than inertia, what keeps you in this relationship ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Solcita2]

He avoids you and you disapprove of much of what he does (rightly so in many instances). You've been asked a couple of times - other than inertia, what keeps you in this relationship ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We had three big crisis in our relationship, the first one we ended up saying the words "we're separating". He came back to me the next day, when he saw I was actually moving on, I don't even remember why it was to be honest. By the time we were discussing our separation he kept making plans with my family as nothing was happening... weird.

 

Last time I said all I had to say and pretty much told him if he didn't change we were over. He did change (in my eyes) but after going through his phone I realized it was all a lie.

 

Why is this harder than just a break up?

He depends on me 100% financially. We're living at his mother's house. If I leave, he won't be able to support it and might even lose it.

He's in charge of his disable mother with no help from the country, except for her retirement payment and legally speaking he hasn't being able to take the Health Insurance to court because he's not legally "in charge", the lawyer in charge of this is a friend of my aunt who charged us really little... without me in the picture, she might start charging and he might have to drop the case because he wouldn't be able to pay for it..

She's currently in a nursing home. And as I have better relationship with her, I pretty much are the one in charge too. As I'm good with papers I'm also in charge of all her legal papers... her doctors know me, not him, etc...

I have thought of her almost like a daughter, that's what I found easier for me to deal with... we don't have children but it's almost like we do.

 

In the other hand, my family is going through some heavy serious problems and he has being a rock for them.

 

A separation wouldn't affect only us, it would affect greatly both of our families.

 

This is what keeps me here mostly. I could also say I love him and he's my best friend, but I'm feeling like I should start talking in past tense.

[Mr. Lucky]

He's in charge of his disable mother with no help from the country, except for her retirement payment and legally speaking he hasn't being able to take the Health Insurance to court because he's not legally "in charge", the lawyer in charge of this is a friend of my aunt who charged us really little... without me in the picture, she might start charging and he might have to drop the case because he wouldn't be able to pay for it..

She's currently in a nursing home. And as I have better relationship with her, I pretty much are the one in charge too. As I'm good with papers I'm also in charge of all her legal papers... her doctors know me, not him, etc...

I have thought of her almost like a daughter, that's what I found easier for me to deal with... we don't have children but it's almost like we do.

Could you be involved in at least this part of things from outside the relationship? Just because you break up with him doesn't mean you can't interact with people you care about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[alexandria35]

I remember your thread about the student he was helping. There was definitely something going on between him and that student.

 

Okay so you don't want to walk out on your sense of responsibility to his family. That is commendable, but that doesn't mean you're stuck forever with this guy who can't be trusted and who may, in part, only be staying with you for financial reasons. You can let him know that you intend to move out and that it is time for him to figure out what he is going to do about HIS situation. Time for him to get a job and find a roommate to share household expenses. You don't have to pack your bags and walk out right now. You can give him a couple of months notice if that's what it takes for him to get his crap together and for you to be able to leave with a clear conscience. Since your mother is advising you on how to leave it doesn't sound like your family is going to be all that broken up about losing this guy from your lives.

[happyme]

agree 100% with Alexandria's perspective. Good luck xx

[geegirl]

This is the bf that was staying over at another woman's house under the pretense of helping her with her projects?

 

They don't change, and even if they do it's temporary until all is calm. Then their core emerges again and you go back to square one. Change takes more than just cleaning up and spewing words about change.

 

The welfare of his mother is his responsibility but if you still want to be a part of her life, you can. You just need to be rid of him. As long as your interactions with her do not affect your emotional or mental health.

[Solcita2]

Thank you guys for your words.

Last night in the middle of a dinner with a friend I found out he was going tonight to her house (our friend said it).

When he left I asked him about it and he told me that not only today he's going but that he probably will spend the weekend working with her because they will have to do I don't know what.

 

This weekend I'll be busy with my project and I never got the chance to tell him, so I'll just dissapear the way he does...

 

I've been thinking a lot about my mil, this week was her 80th birthday and we went together to see her... we spent the entire time talking and he was just sitting next to us quiet...

I'll talk to her psychiatrist and let him know what's going on... he'll tell me what's best for her.

 

One step at the time...

 

Thank you again.

[Solcita2]

I thought of coming around this topic to update the situation, even when I know he wouldn't be happy to know I'm posting it.

 

We talked, it took longer than expected, but it was a good thing because I was able to talk without being as mad as I was at first.

 

We had several conversations during the last week or so. The first one he didn't deny or accept anything of what I said. I was open about checking his phone and he said that he did that in a previous relationship and what he hated the most was the fact that I needed to check it out, that it should have been awful for me to be in that situation.

 

He's been going through different stages, shock, anger, etc... just like me, so I understand. No final decision has been made yet. But he's been doing great changes in his behavior.

 

At first I thought he didn't understand what I was going through and today I even cut papers in the shape of a couple and two other guys. I told him that he always put himself down all the time, and puts everybody in front of him. But what he needed to understand is that we're together, if he puts everybody up, he gets himself down and me with him... if he keeps putting everybody as a priority, I lose all priority too... I told him he does thing like if he was alone, but he's not alone, he doesn't have those choices anymore. If any choice affects me I should be involve in the decision as well.

 

He's been accepting all his faults and knows he has to deal with it, he has a problem. He said he didn't know why he changed the way he did... he said a couple of "I don't know why I did that".

 

He said at first that he started to get apart because he felt useless and that I kept telling him he did everything wrong.

I told him that he was so involved with his activities that he would leave his responsabilities aside, so I had to keep reminding him what he had to do (for his mother, paying bills, even waking him up in the morning from work, etc...) and that I accepted part of the blame there, because I shouldn't have to do it... I hated the position he put me in (the mother) and resend him for that, and it was my fault too...

 

Things are ok in home, we keep having this super honest conversations. I'm surprised to be honest. Althought I still don't know if we're gonna make it... time will tell I guess. I just wanted to let you know because your words meant a lot to me.

 

S.