JRM Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and we have a two year old. Our marriage has come to a boiling point. We fight at least once a week and nothing ever gets resolved, resentment just keeps building. He has changed so much. He never wants to do anything (concerts, sporting events, family activities etc) even though I try coming up with things I think he might like. We dated for a year then got engaged, then married soon after. We were still on our "best behavior" stage. He refuses to go to counseling because he says psychologists are stupid and don't know what they're talking about. This stems from us seeing 2 different counselors and both of them agreed with me on our issues. I'm scared that I won't be able to afford getting a lawyer to fight for custody of our child. His mother is wealthy and could afford a great attorney where I can't! He works nights and sleeps until 1pm. He really only takes care of our child 4-5 hours per day. The biggest thing we fight about is parenting. He refuses to brush our child's teeth because she cries. He gives her milk I. Her bottle at night so she will stop crying, things like that. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 well, JRM..marriage is hard. What you have described thus far is typical marriage issues that 99% of other couples deal with. Why are you so eager to check out of the marriage? You have to find and make your on happiness, it is not up to him. My suggestion...get into some marriage counseling and work on your marriage...nothing you have described is a deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 well, JRM..marriage is hard. What you have described thus far is typical marriage issues that 99% of other couples deal with. Why are you so eager to check out of the marriage? You have to find and make your on happiness, it is not up to him. My suggestion...get into some marriage counseling and work on your marriage...nothing you have described is a deal breaker. I tend to agree. MC should come far before divorce. What I think is usually missing is an ultimatum. Demand individual counseling for both of you, marriage counseling, and make your dealbreakers clear. Many times the difficult spouses (especially men) need to have the reality of divorce looking them straight in the face before things like therapy are an acceptable option. Let him know exactly how serious you are and then he will either move towards fixing the marriage or you will have your answer about divorcing. By the way, stop "fighting." Come to an agreement about how to disagree. Things like yelling and swearing should be off limits for both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JRM Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 I've tried mc twice and it didn't help. I was the only one that took the advice seriously and tried to communicate the way they suggested and I felt like he didn't try at all. He now refuses to go back...I've also given him an ultimatum that we either try it again or it's divorce and he said he won't go to counseling so if divorce is what will make me happy than I should do it. I feel like he's pushing me away and not leaving me any other choice! I didn't go into great detail about other things that have happened, I ultimately would love for things to work but only if they go back to the way things used to be. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 JRM...what exactly is it that is a deal breaker to you? Again, nothing you have described, or added in your second post is anything different than what most couples deal with everyday. What are you looking for, sympathy? A "you go girl", and divorce him? Your sounding like a whiny, walk away wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JRM Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 And YOU sound like a jaded loser! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 And YOU sound like a jaded loser! No, he sounded like a grown-up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 And YOU sound like a jaded loser! Ok, you had me until this point. But anyway, if divorce will make you happy then do it. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) And YOU sound like a jaded loser! ????????? That's a on-sequitur response. How old are you? If that is how you respond to debates with your husband, then no wonder you have issues and he could care less if you stay or go. Get a mirror and look in it..I doubt that you have a monopoly on good marital behavior. Good luck to you. Edited November 28, 2012 by standtall 2 Link to post Share on other sites
knitwit Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 I disagree that you sound like a walk-away wife. You've attempted MC twice and are letting your H know that you are getting ready to walk. If you've gone to MC, I am assuming that you aired your grievances, so he knows the score. Parenting is a big issue- among my friends and in my own marriage, it is the main source of disagreements between spouses. You certainly aren't alone in having difficulties with your DH in that area!! That said- the few issues you listed in your post aren't issues that usually split up a marriage. Also, divorce is not going to solve your worries about the kind of care he gives your daughter- in fact, it is the opposite. You will lose your daughter 50% of the time, and he can feed her milk, candy, coffee, beer, anything his heart pleases. You won't know about any of it, and even if you do, won't be able to do anything about it. So, what are the other issues that make you want to throw in the towel? Will any of them really be resolved by divorce? What are your current circumstances? You said that he "only" cares for your daughter 4-5 hours a day- normally, that is a lot for someone (unless they are the SAHP.) Are you a SAHM? If you are working, could you support yourself? Is your DH generally a good father, oral hygiene aside? You said you would like to work it out, but only if he got back to how things used to be- what does that mean? Lastly, I do have to say, you gave an immature response back to StandTall. You might not have liked what he said, or how he said it, but your response was a "game stopper." There can be no real discussion after that unless/until you own up that it was not an appropriate response. A simple "I find your comment to be disrespectful" would have been much better. I am pointing this out, because in your first post you indicated that you fight often but aren't able to resolve issues. If you respond in similar manner to your H, this is likely one cause of your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Troubled1 Posted November 29, 2012 Share Posted November 29, 2012 If your husband never wants to do anything, maybe it is a mild depression. Link to post Share on other sites
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