Leaving "Friendly" Marriage - can't shake guilty feelings...

[crazykat73]

This is my second post/thread here. I've been married 8 years of which 2 have been spent seperated in different households (I left). I am absolutely paralyzed in making a move to go into mediation and divorce. Even though I've been in a really nice and loving relationship w/a good man for the last 2 years since seperating. Yes, there was some overlap at the end w/new person, but marriage had "died" almost a year prior to me leaving.

 

I am crushed and just can't shake the feeling that I'm throwing in the towel. I am not a quitter. My husband is a good man, maybe just not the best of mates. I've led a relatively drama free life up until now - we were good friends before marriage and never ever really fought (maybe that was our problem). He is extremely happy go lucky and even keeled....life of the party, everyone loves him, successful business man, etc. What more could a woman want? That's why I feel so bad leaving. My reasons for leaving were "cumulative" - added up over several years.

 

Reason #1: He is very surface...never gets deep enough for me. Lacks depth. This was ok when we were young, but now almost 40, I need more depth and outward showing of emotion and I just can't shake him to open up about anything. It makes me not feel as close to him as I could be. I am very rand I can't nurture him - he doesn't need or want it.

 

Reason #2: Since before marriage, at least once a month, he stays out until 3 or 4am - usually drinking w/the guys. He's not the cheating type, rather I think it's always been a "British" guys at the pub thing. He often plays cards after bars close and comes home after staying the night at friends - I know where he is, it's not a woman (my friend's wife can attest to him staying there). BUT sometimes he's off in the city doing this on week nights after a client takes him out...he just can't stop partying once he starts and he's in his early 40's. This has been a theme throughout our marriage. I have gotten SO furious w/him over getting home late and not being respectful about it. He says he's coming home at a reasonable hour and it always leaked into the wee hours of morning. He even got home at 5am 2 weeks before we got married. Not a lot, but once a month or every other month it's been a theme. It makes me feel isolated and also makes me worry about him all night and then I wasn't sleeping. Even though it's harmless drinking, not cheating, he justfied it as jsut having a good time and blowing off steam because his job is stressful

 

Reason #3: After all of the above, I started drifting away....we started living separate lives under one roof. I am the sporty/healthy type and started a new gym and gravitated towards more "like minded people" while he continued hanging out with friends who are "boozers"...just sit at the pub or have parties at their house and just play cards all afternoon and drink. So we started falling into the stereotype of growing apart...separate activities, etc. Husband is so laid back, that he let me come and go wherever/whenever I wanted. Part of me loved that about him, but part of me wanted him to WANT to be w/me more and show me more affection.

 

Reason #4: The sex stopped when I became turned off from him....mainly because he started drinking more (binge drinking on weekends), so I smelled the alcohol on his breath and it repulsed me. This started a vicious cycle. THe more I became distant, the more he drank when he was out, the more he didn't come home, the more I spent time with my new friends.

 

Reason #5: I sat him down several times and told him (warned him) that he needed to stop letting his drinking friends influence him and spend more couples time w/me and work on things as I let him know in plain English that this was "heart attack" serious and that we were going to be separated if we can't fix this distance. He was in denial and said nothing was wrong - he liked his life and instead said I was like livin with an 80 year woman and I was no longer "fun" like I used to be. I told him I was young and fun, but now I'm mature and getting older and have more limits...I stop drinking after a couple glasses of wine - not 10 like him. So all of a sudden, I'm the uptight one and his/our friends think I'm a party pooper. Made me feel isolated, hurt and like I lost my husband to this group of people.

 

SO, the issues above are the reasons I left. I fell out of love for all the reasons above over a long period of time (it really started hitting the last year or two before I moved out). I also fell in love with someone I had a lot in common with, but I didn't let that influence me leaving. I put my marriage first before fully exploring the new relationshiop, but again, feelings of guilt since there was some overlap.

 

2 years later and still good friends with my husband, just living apart. We enjoy each other's company, but are not in love. Both have a girlfriend/boyfriend, but we can't move forward because we like each other so much and I think are hanging on. He said he'll never divorce me, I have to do it. It just tears me up. My family is upset because they loved him...they are upset with me for being w/new guy while separated...it's just becoming a big fat mess. I have lost mutual friends we had.

 

I realize divorce is individual, but am I crazy? Are these points above minor to others? I just feel awful.....

[Yasuandio]

No...These are not minor points at all. You have given him a chance to improve - and he blew it. As a mate - he is now a turn-off to you. That is that. He has chosen the party life over his marriage to you.

 

You both have new more compatable mates. Now all that is left is finalizing the divorce. It is only the friendship that is slowing you up. Put a little distance there, and finish the business. Good luck. Yas

[crazykat73]

Yas - thank you. I am just so tied to him on a comfort level. We dated 5 years before marriage, so I'm essentially ending a 13 year relationship. We are like family and it just kills me.

[carhill]

I would strongly suggest considering the priority you're giving to your current partner in your decision-making process. Is this 'connection' with an estranged spouse fair and equitable? How would you feel if your current partner were still involved at a similar level with, and ambivalent about, his estranged spouse? Do your spouse and your current boyfriend have personal contact? Is your spouse a supporter of your current relationship and you his? Do you want to get married again in the future?

[aMguilts]

This is my second post/thread here. I've been married 8 years of which 2 have been spent seperated in different households (I left). I am absolutely paralyzed in making a move to go into mediation and divorce. Even though I've been in a really nice and loving relationship w/a good man for the last 2 years since seperating. Yes, there was some overlap at the end w/new person, but marriage had "died" almost a year prior to me leaving.

 

I am crushed and just can't shake the feeling that I'm throwing in the towel. I am not a quitter. My husband is a good man, maybe just not the best of mates. I've led a relatively drama free life up until now - we were good friends before marriage and never ever really fought (maybe that was our problem). He is extremely happy go lucky and even keeled....life of the party, everyone loves him, successful business man, etc. What more could a woman want? That's why I feel so bad leaving. My reasons for leaving were "cumulative" - added up over several years.

 

Reason #1: He is very surface...never gets deep enough for me. Lacks depth. This was ok when we were young, but now almost 40, I need more depth and outward showing of emotion and I just can't shake him to open up about anything. It makes me not feel as close to him as I could be. I am very rand I can't nurture him - he doesn't need or want it.

 

Reason #2: Since before marriage, at least once a month, he stays out until 3 or 4am - usually drinking w/the guys. He's not the cheating type, rather I think it's always been a "British" guys at the pub thing. He often plays cards after bars close and comes home after staying the night at friends - I know where he is, it's not a woman (my friend's wife can attest to him staying there). BUT sometimes he's off in the city doing this on week nights after a client takes him out...he just can't stop partying once he starts and he's in his early 40's. This has been a theme throughout our marriage. I have gotten SO furious w/him over getting home late and not being respectful about it. He says he's coming home at a reasonable hour and it always leaked into the wee hours of morning. He even got home at 5am 2 weeks before we got married. Not a lot, but once a month or every other month it's been a theme. It makes me feel isolated and also makes me worry about him all night and then I wasn't sleeping. Even though it's harmless drinking, not cheating, he justfied it as jsut having a good time and blowing off steam because his job is stressful

 

Reason #3: After all of the above, I started drifting away....we started living separate lives under one roof. I am the sporty/healthy type and started a new gym and gravitated towards more "like minded people" while he continued hanging out with friends who are "boozers"...just sit at the pub or have parties at their house and just play cards all afternoon and drink. So we started falling into the stereotype of growing apart...separate activities, etc. Husband is so laid back, that he let me come and go wherever/whenever I wanted. Part of me loved that about him, but part of me wanted him to WANT to be w/me more and show me more affection.

 

Reason #4: The sex stopped when I became turned off from him....mainly because he started drinking more (binge drinking on weekends), so I smelled the alcohol on his breath and it repulsed me. This started a vicious cycle. THe more I became distant, the more he drank when he was out, the more he didn't come home, the more I spent time with my new friends.

 

Reason #5: I sat him down several times and told him (warned him) that he needed to stop letting his drinking friends influence him and spend more couples time w/me and work on things as I let him know in plain English that this was "heart attack" serious and that we were going to be separated if we can't fix this distance. He was in denial and said nothing was wrong - he liked his life and instead said I was like livin with an 80 year woman and I was no longer "fun" like I used to be. I told him I was young and fun, but now I'm mature and getting older and have more limits...I stop drinking after a couple glasses of wine - not 10 like him. So all of a sudden, I'm the uptight one and his/our friends think I'm a party pooper. Made me feel isolated, hurt and like I lost my husband to this group of people.

 

SO, the issues above are the reasons I left. I fell out of love for all the reasons above over a long period of time (it really started hitting the last year or two before I moved out). I also fell in love with someone I had a lot in common with, but I didn't let that influence me leaving. I put my marriage first before fully exploring the new relationshiop, but again, feelings of guilt since there was some overlap.

 

2 years later and still good friends with my husband, just living apart. We enjoy each other's company, but are not in love. Both have a girlfriend/boyfriend, but we can't move forward because we like each other so much and I think are hanging on. He said he'll never divorce me, I have to do it. It just tears me up. My family is upset because they loved him...they are upset with me for being w/new guy while separated...it's just becoming a big fat mess. I have lost mutual friends we had.

 

I realize divorce is individual, but am I crazy? Are these points above minor to others? I just feel awful.....

 

crazykat73

 

i feel sorry for the guy you are with now. Have you told him about loveshack?

 

You left

Why didn`t you go further?

You and your husband need to either

 

1, stop the crap and get back together. or

2. One of you has at least the maturity to finalise a divorce.?

[aMguilts]

Yas - thank you. I am just so tied to him on a comfort level. We dated 5 years before marriage, so I'm essentially ending a 13 year relationship. We are like family and it just kills me.

 

 

but you`re with someone???? or did i misread

[crazykat73]

Carhill - good points and that is also a huge issue right now that I didn't elaborate on due to trying not to write a novel. Current relationship is suffering because I can't "let go" and move forward. This person is hanging on for me and wants me to move on - has waited long enough and feels emotionally exhausted that I haven't divorced yet. He hasn't pressured me, but now says it's time after 2 years. He said he deserves better and I don't blame him. I'm about to lose him over my inability to take action. I torture myself on a daily basis with my feelings of guilt ending a marriage. It would have been easier if husband left me.

[crazykat73]

And I guess part of me not moving on is because once I pull the trigger and divorce, I'm deathly afraid of the future and regretting not staying with husband and getting hurt by new person...even though relationship seems like a good fit for me...I'm just scared of living my life w/regrets. Stupid, I know...it is how I feel though.

[aMguilts]

live your life, never regret it

[carhill]

OP, here's something I posted in another thread this morning:

 

 

Different processes work for different people. As anecdotes, I've known very few people in life who don't start dating others either prior to or concurrently with ending relationships or marriages. The unions become 'public' at a more appropriately palatable time. So, in my demographic, based on 53 in it continuously, getting under someone else to get over someone else is the norm and other behaviors are outlier. In another similar thread, a poster mentioned that good people are rarely single/alone long. I would extend that to people in general. Good on 'em. Normalcy bonds them.

 

Personally, I'm loathe to understand the apprehension/fear experienced regarding the apparent specter of being alone, even briefly, but accept that people have such fears and that they are potent motivators. Your fear was expressed here:

 

I'm deathly afraid of the future and regretting not staying with husband and getting hurt by new person...even though relationship seems like a good fit for me...I'm just scared of living my life w/regrets.

 

Have you ever been alone? By that I mean truly alone, not receiving the attention and/or love of a romantic prospect? I ask because your statement aligns markedly with those of women who have told me directly that they are afraid to be alone.

[aMguilts]

And I guess part of me not moving on is because once I pull the trigger and divorce, I'm deathly afraid of the future and regretting not staying with husband and getting hurt by new person...even though relationship seems like a good fit for me...I'm just scared of living my life w/regrets. Stupid, I know...it is how I feel though.

i understand

The future is what you make it thou

You cant change the past

 

aM

[aMguilts]

answer what carhill said

[crazykat73]

Carhill - Yes, I've been alone during periods of time in my 20's, but not for long. At almost 40, I do not want to be alone and go through years of dating again, especially when I really feel fortunate to have met someone I truly feel compatible with. I am extremely picky and this person just happened to come into my life without me looking...we were friends and it kidn of just happened.

[Yasuandio]

Hon,

Ya really gotta answer Carhill's questions = to get out of this fix. Yas

[crazykat73]

To answer Carhill's questions: Yes, current boyfriend is fed up w/me and my indecision to move on - he doesn't get how I can't get divorced if I'm not in love and marriage is "over" - he is ready to walk soon. Yes, husband and I know about each other's relationships - we are very unconventional in that we are very friendly and can talk openly about it. Me and husband both agree that we are sad/afraid to move on and are beating ourselves up if it's right thing to do and we always ask ourselves if it could repair over time if we got back together, but we are both involved now with others and are happy.

[crazykat73]

And yes, I do want to marry again one day. And yes, I'd be hurt if on the other side of this and dating someone like me....it's very messed up I know.

[carhill]

If you divorced today, there is nobody nor no force in this world which could keep you apart at any time in the future while you are both still alive. You've *both* demonstrated you don't wish to be together in an exclusive and monogamous relationship, so accept that and ratify it. Good luck.

[aMguilts]

And yes, I do want to marry again one day. And yes, I'd be hurt if on the other side of this and dating someone like me....it's very messed up I know.

so why carry on with what you are doing???

 

you have already said you love the guy you are with now?

and he knows about your situation?

 

And HE puts up with it?

 

Is he plan B??

Put it this way, whould you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

 

aM

[aMguilts]

what carhill said was spot on

 

Love you means nothing...unless you mean it

Edited November 27, 2012 by aMguilts

[veryhappy]

fOW here.

 

You are a classic case of promising the starts and the moon to the new potential partner, and then turn around and decide to work on the marriage you so vehemently you were over with. When you do that (and it's two of you with two new partners involved) you don't want to know the hurt to the other person.

 

I suggest to stop seeing your new partner until you get out of limbo. Be honest with him. You are playing both sides. You're not done with your marriage for whatever reasons. They don't seem valid to go back to the marriage to me, but what do I know? It happens all the time. The dead marriage is all of a sudden all you ever wanted.

 

Please spare your bf and your h's OW the pain. Your husband, like most all of them, said he won't divorce, so if you want to work on the marriage he'll come back like a puppy. You can minimize the pain for everyone. Anything else is just cruel so you can keep your options open and not deal with the pain that comes with letting go of either option.

Edited November 27, 2012 by cutedragon

[GuyInLimbo]

To answer Carhill's questions: Yes, current boyfriend is fed up w/me and my indecision to move on - he doesn't get how I can't get divorced if I'm not in love and marriage is "over" - he is ready to walk soon.

 

As he should. You are being very cruel and unfair to him. He should walk now. Either end it with the H or end it with the BF. Sh*t or get off the pot.

[Sisyphus2012]

One of the things that strikes me about your story is the fact that two people are so disconnected from what is obvious.

 

He liked you the way you were before you married him, and you saw things in him you wanted to change.

 

So this confirms my theory and personal experience. I loved being with my wife before we were married, we had a great physical, passionate relationship that made me fall in love with her. She changed and I didnt. She is not the person I married.

 

It is said that women marry men hoping they will change and men marry women hoping they wont!

 

Men think, "man this is great, great sex, great passion, great fun. I love this girl"

 

Women think "he is a good guy, if I could just get him to do this or that he would be perfect."

 

Both are based on their visions of things, and both turn out to be wrong. You either get used to the person he is, and always will be or you move on, you changed he didnt.

 

I am sure he is disappointed in the changes you made, men don't want a mother telling them when to come home or what to wear, they want a wife, that respects them the way they are.

[crazykat73]

Sisyphus2012 - I cannot disagree with you. You are probably spot on in your observation. Both me and H have talked about this very thing. I have told him I have changed and he hasn't. I have "grown up" in our marriage. I will admit that I expected when we were married that he'd have more respect for coming home and not staying out all night - I never found this acceptable and even more unacceptable when married. I was always the "cool" wife out of his friends...the laid back one, the fun one....but I was never the drinker he was. I always went to bed before him and let him stay up to carry on. I've always had to peel him away from wherever we are..he just could never get enough of the party. Although this was somewhat opposite of my personality, I was intrigued by him in the beginning...drawn to him for other reasons and being young, I guess you sometimes just don't know or expect these undesirable behaviors to continue. I would think at the age of 40 something, a man would not stay out all night and know how to be a better partner...I never asked for too much, in fact, I was never a nag, always up for anything. All I ever asked was for him to come home to me and not disrespect me by coming home late at 3 or 4am once a month or drinkin too much on the weekends. It got to the point where I took separate cars to friend's gatherings because I knew I'd want to leave before him.

[Sisyphus2012]

he is probably an alcoholic. perhaps he needs some help there. but aside from the partying and drinking there is perhaps a reason he doesnt want to spend couple time.

 

men want respect first, when a man is not respected he cant love a woman the way she expects to be loved.

[crazykat73]

Yes, I have thoughts that he is or could be an alcoholic. He is dry during the week, more of a weekend binge drinker. Just drinks all night if he goes somewhere, but turns it off when working, etc. He thinks he has that under control. And also thinks and admits he hasn't wanted to come home at times. We had a cycle we couldn't get out of - the more he drank, the more I wasn't as affectionate, the more I distanced, the more he drank.