give my short tempered bf a second chance?

[Chico333]

Sorry this is so long.....

 

I am in the middle of trying to decide whether I should give my boyfriend a second chance or not.

 

I am 25 and he is 26. We have been together for just about 3 years. He has had a fairly short temper since the beginning of the relationship. His family was very dysfunctional while growing up and his dad hit his mom often. The parents have been back together for years after a long separation. There is no more violence but seems they are only together due to keeping the family in tact.

 

My boyfriend is a very *say it how it is* kind of guy. We have fun together and enjoy doing many different things together. He is responsible and supportive of me in my school and career goals. He himself has just started going back to school in hope of getting his accounting degree.

 

We have met each others families. His family loves me. My family sees that he is a bit hot headed and arrogant but, they respect my decision to be with him and want me to be happy. He is nice to my family and never been rude or disrespectful to them.

 

I am a very free spirited go with the flow type of person where-as he has to have an agenda. He is very clean, pays all his bills on time, and like things orderly.

 

He is kind of *rough* when it comes to communicating with people. Like I said, he tells it how it is, even with me. He can get short tempered and raise his voice without thinking he is doing anything wrong. I have talked to him about this over and over and OVER in our relationship and that I don't think its respectful and that it hurts my feelings. He has gotten better about it but there are things I do that bug him and I need to watch out to make sure he doesn't get mad sometimes.

 

He doesn't like to repeat himself a lot. He doesn't like him if I *nag* him after he gets home from work and told me to give him space if I see he is in a mood, which I do. But many times it feels like I need to tip toe around his emotions to keep him from getting so sensitive.

 

He doesn't keep me from seeing my friends or family but wants to know by when I will be home at all times, which is fine. But once I went over to a friends to have a glass of wine and told him I would be home by midnight. My friend and I got into a long conversation and I lost track of time. *we have no trust issues when it comes to cheating* when I checked my phone it said it was 1:15am and that I had 8 missed calls. I then checked my voicemail and it said I had 5 voice messages. Apparantly my boyfriend freaked out because I was not home on time and was on his way to my friends to make sure I was ok and there. I thought that was a bit ridiculous.

 

There have been several times were we have gotten into very heated arguments *he lost his temper* and blew up at me. Screaming to the point that spit was coming out of his mouth.Yesterday morning was one of those times. It got to the point where he kicked over a chair and threw some things out of my hands, which startled me. He threw tantrum like a child.

 

There have been a couple of times where he yelled at me in public and people started which was very embarrassing. I lost two close friends of mine because they tried to stick up for me when he got angry and I was forced to choose sides in the heat of the moment and took his. They no longer talk to me also due to other things that happened that night. He has not gotten physical with me, he will just slam doors, or might drive really fast if we are driving or do things that startle me when he is that angry.

 

Anyways,

After the incident yesterday I realized I don't want to be with someone who acts like for the rest of my life. He has still blown up on occasion even after I told him I wanted it to stop. His immediate reaction is that I need to be careful about upsetting him and that if I do that I need to give him space. I know he loves me. He shows me he cares in many different ways, but when he loses it he disrespects me and I don't want to deal with anymore.

 

When I told him my thoughts and got my things to go sleep at my parents, he broke down. He told me he could change and that he never thought I would break up with him over this. I am by no means perfect and there are things I have done in the relationship that were disrespectful, but that is not the issue. He hurts me when he acts this way and i got very scared yesterday. We got a puppy together and the poor thing was so frightened and I felt so bad.

 

He told me that he loves me and said that he needs my help to help him keep his temper under control. Why all of a sudden is he SO sorry? Why couldn't he be this sorry and understanding about it when I was so upset about it the many times before? He has screamed at me so many times and it has broke me down. I feel that I let him treat me worse than he should at times because I have gotten so used to this *rough* personality of his.

 

He hugs me and kisses me and is affectionate *in private.* he has a hard time showing it in public. In public he acts like I'm just a friend for the most part.

 

I laugh so much with him and had many good times and it hurts me to see him so sad and broken up with me thinking about leaving him. We lived in another stated together for 6 months and things were good. He did not have any blow ups. We moved back and things got rocky. but like i said this has happened throughout our entire relationship several times where he yells at me and is so disrespectful. It just isn't ok.

 

I don't know if I should stay or go. Fool me twice shame on me right? My gut tells me it wont change and that he is who he is. He has told me that many times.

 

We have spent so much time into this relationship and at the end how can I let it all go to waste? But at the same time, I feel I deserve more respect and someone who is a genuinely nice person that does not have to TRY and keep his cool with me because my boyfriend gets annoyed very easily at things. He is sensitive and comes from a bad background which I'm sure is where his sensitivity and anger issues root from.

[ErosOcean]

Here are my thoughts only as I can not make the decision for you. That is up to you.

 

He told me that he loves me and said that he needs my help to help him keep his temper under control. Why all of a sudden is he SO sorry?

 

It's common amongst many people who break up to say that they are sorry. Especially, for the dumpees who feel the pain of rejection and they start feeling that pain of loss. This loss can be the loss of comfort even if the relationship is bad they will still cling to what is familiar to them.

 

As for him stating that he needs your help to keep his temper under control. That's a personal responsibility of his and not yours. He's had three years with you to work on it. It's unfortunate that he has a temper and he can blame his past all he wants but he has to take responsibility to fix himself.

 

Why couldn't he be this sorry and understanding about it when I was so upset about it the many times before?

 

Who knows but is he sorry now because he is reacting to the situation of the break up. In other words, is he just acting out emotionally because of the pain of the break up. Or has he really taken some time to think about what he's done.

 

We have spent so much time into this relationship and at the end how can I let it all go to waste?

 

Three years is long but is it worth it for you to stay in the relationship for another year or longer enduring the same thing? I've heard stories of married couples, who couldn't stand each other, that stayed together until their kids grew up and moved out.

 

If you could I would take a step back and look at the overall picture of your relationship with your ex. View it as if it was happening to a friend and then with an analytical viewpoint, use your own reasoning to decide if you should get back together a second time or not.

[amaysngrace]

He didn't just throw a tantrum like a child...what he did is considered domestic violence.

 

You think your puppy was scared? Imagine him scaring your toddler.

[Tiera D]

get him to go therapy,he needs it,its anger management issue,i have seen couples survive it through therapy,might be your last hope

 

TD

[Chico333]

He pleaded for me to talk to him today which I did. He's a complete wreck. It was hard but I stood my ground on everything and made it clear that we cannot be together.

 

Before he realized I wanted to break up I remember very clearly that he said if I had not gotten him so mad that he wouldn't have acted like that. He says now that he feels bad and stupid for doing it and that is was a mistake. He guilt tripped me by saying I have made many mistakes before also that he considered really big mistakes but he never broke up with me over them.

 

I told him that I love him but can't be with someone who acts like that. He said if I love him so much then why am I breaking up with him? I told him because I love myself too.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Chico333

[Jippy]

but there are things I do that bug him and I need to watch out to make sure he doesn't get mad sometimes.

Sounds like you have a passive aggressive with serious rage issues. it can really only go downhill from here, unless he sees that he's got a problem, and gets help. You're blaming yourself a lot for the nasty ways in which he treats you.

 

Thats very concerning, please do some reading up on passive aggressive individuals, as he may become more controlling and aggressive as time goes by. You're young enough to find someone who can treat you better.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Jippy
quote I put in was too long

[Jippy]

Chico, just out of interest, these mistakes that you have also made, has he been vague about what you do wrong, or specific about it?

[Chico333]

He is specific about two things I recently did.

 

For example we had been talking about getting a dog together for several months. It was supposed to be *his* dog. I ended up impulsively getting a puppy that I came across *still knowing it was the type of dog he was wanting to get.* but of course he wanted to be the one to pick out his own dog which I understand. We were also not in the best financial situation to get one. He was very angry and told me this was my dog and to do whatever I wanted with him because he wanted nothing to do with him.

 

I kept the dog and he quickly grew to love him but still holds a very big grudge against me for it. He said I broke up his trust and that it was very disrespectful.

 

the other thing that I wont bother you with is another grudge he is holding. They are not necessarily deal breakers in my opinion..

 

Other than that it's normal nit picky stuff every normal couple might have issues with. He thinks that I'm irresponsible and immature and there are things here and there that I do that he says prove to him that and he gets mad about that stuff because he is a very independent person who thinks I need to have the ultimate respect for him and our relationship. I mean... yeah everyone needs to have respect for each other but, it's just the way he gets mad about things.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Chico333
remembered some extra info to add in.

[Chico333]

I read up on PA like you advised and I think there is definitely some PA tendencies there but it not entirely the problem.

 

He has always been very loyal and always does what he says and promises. He is never mean to me for absolutely no reason. What I mean is that he does not call me names or put me down. He has a reason for every time he gets mad. Which are petty things many times that he just doesn't need to react so strongly about in my opinion.

 

I'm not saying it's ok but he is not vague about his anger like you asked.

[lemonlime]

I think if you want to try to work it out you can try. But you would need to give him Months to work on himself and really change, or expect the same behavior for as long as your with him.

[Treasa]

I think he sounds really controlling and an awful lot like my ex. Between that and his temper, I don't think it's a healthy relationship for you.

 

Also, people need to take responsibility for their own behavior. If he wants to change, HE needs to be the one to schedule counseling sessions and then actually go to them AND do the work. If he doesn't invest in his own issue 100%, it'll never stick.

 

And I don't suggest waiting around to see if counseling, even if he does get it, will help. You need to living your life, hon.

[fucpcg]

I came from a dysfunctional family, and have definite rage issues with the right trigger. I can identify with a man who came from a f'd up childhood. Having said that, the way you describe it I don't think he is a good choice for you. Maybe some day down the road, if he made progress in his personal rehab, but I'd say I doubt that as well.

 

A quick example on how you can turn out differently after a childhood like that... He can say he will take no responsibility for a dog you chose, because he didn't choose it. This shows a guy who is centered around self, about how he feels and not those around him, and no apathy from the dog because it doesn't conform with what HE WANTED PERSONALLY from that dog. Someday he will look at you like he does that dog, and when upset say I don't care about you anymore. Then you have types like myself, we get into things like animal rescue and volunteering at children's groups like Boys and Girls club, because we know what it is like to be young and fairly defenseless. And there as well is a bit of the rage difference at work. Threaten a kid or animal around me, I'll be the scariest *****er you've ever met in your life.

 

It is his self-centered projection that should be your concern for whether your not you have a future together. If he puts his own feelings first, you will always come second to his mood.

[Treasa]

"Threaten a kid or animal around me, I'll be the scariest *****er you've ever met in your life."

 

I would like to marry fucpcg.

[Chico333]

It makes it hard when all other aspects about him are great.

 

He cooks for me, cleans the house, loves animals, responsible, goal oriented, outdoorsy, fun, funny, sexually attractive and we have the a lot of the same morals (except when it comes to how we talk to each other and controlling emotions obviously).

 

I'm not just saying this because I miss him. Those are the reasons I have stayed with him for so long. I used to think that if he has all of these great qualities about him and the ONE bad thing is his temper = this meant the good outweighed bad.

 

But in the end having a short temper and random rage problem is a HUGE problem I have realized and won't let myself be with someone like that.

 

I know there are plenty of people out there but when I have spent time with someone with so many great qualities it makes it harder.

 

He keeps saying I can change for you, I can change for you. If tries to change for me it's never going to stick. He has to do it for himself too.

 

I'm not giving in or going back. I'm just explaining how I feel. I know there's nothing I can do to control these feelings and I have to just let the process happen naturally. It just SUCKS and I hate it!

 

I love him. I hate that he is sad. I'm glad he feels bad and glad that he knows he messed things up.

 

"I can do this, I can do this, I can do this....."

[Mme. Chaucer]

The only way I'd advise giving him another chance is if he is in intensive therapy for anger management, and you both probably need couples counseling as well. It sounds like there are no viable avenues available for conflict resolution in your relationship at all.

[Chico333]

Im on an emotional roller coaster right now. This is not easy

[Sav]

I think you could give it another shot. He sees you are serious now about his attitude and if he doesn't change after you forgiving him, you can say you tried.

 

Sometimes it takes drastic measures for another person to see his/her flaws and really admit and want to change. If he was not abusive, I suggest giving it another shot if the only problem was his temper

[Chico333]

So after a week of no contact I was feeling extremely sad tonight. He works weekends and I went to our apartment and got a start on moving my things out. I did the dishes that were in the sink as well.

 

He text me after work thanking me for doing the dishes and that he noticed I took some things today. I started to vent to him a little bit and he asked if I wanted to talk on the phone and I said yes. He called and it was nice to hear his voice.

 

He sounded level headed and did not give me a sob sorry this time. He said that he took the past several days to think about happened and our whole relationship as well. He told me he thought hard about the reasons why I decided to break it off. He basically repeated to me that he was sorry, except he added in details about what he was sorry for and why. I just thought to myself, "yeah ok I know."

 

The next thing that came out of his mouth, my mouth literally dropped open because I never once mentioned anything like this to him which means he came up with this all on his own. He told me he wanted to get a third party's opinion on his temper and go talk to a counselor. I couldn't even believe it. He said he has never really been into counseling or getting help on things but that he truly loves me and wants to take time to work on himself so that maybe one day I could forgive him and give him a second chance. He said he understands that it will take some time but that he is committed and confident in working to fix this problem of his. He then said, "If you want, maybe you could come with me and we could both talk to the woman together."I told him that of course I would be willing to go with him. He said OK and that he would let me know when he talks to her so that we can set a time to go.

 

He said that this was a rude awakening for him and that he was sorry it took me having to break up with him to get him to truly appreciate what he had. He also said that it was probably a good thing that I did what did because otherwise he probably would have kept taking the relationship for granted and never thought otherwise about the way he was acting.

 

I know it hasn't actually happened yet and he is right that it will take some time, but wow. He definitely surprised me because I was not expecting that at all.

 

He told me that he knows I need my space and that he will respect that but that if I ever need to talk or anything that he is here for me. I realize all of this sounds to good to be true but he didn't pressure me into get back together with him, which is good. He basically told me that he is going to do all he can to SHOW me he can change.

 

I'm not gonna lie...but my hopes instantly jumped when I heard this. I kept my cool and told him that that sounded great and that I am glad this made him want to better himself. We have 1 month left of bills to pay before our lease is up so we are going to take care of that this week and then go on about our own business. I will be moving on my own into a house at the end of the month. Anyways, we said goodnight (I know we both really wanted to say I love you but didn't) and that was it.

 

Actions are louder than words and we will see what happens, but his thoughts on how to handle the situation showed me that actually listened and took me seriously on what I said this time. I am sorry too that it is taking a break up to get him to take me seriously, guess we will just have to see.

[fucpcg]

He is handling this with a level of maturity that you don't often see or expect from young men.

[Chico333]

Yeah. We met up today to figure out our bills for the month and he brought the therapists card and some other info. It's a good start in the right direction for him whether we ever get back together or not.

[noble]

That is so awesome that he is seeking out the counseling on his own. This is a good sign, and a sign that it is something he wants to do, and not just something he feels like he has to do because you're forcing him.

A lot of guys have problems with anger, except they dont really realize it is a problem because people allow them to behave that way. Standing up for yourself was definitely the right thing to do, and I really hope it works out for him and for you.

If I were you I would tell him that whether or not you two do get back together, dealing with his anger and the way he handles stressful situations is just going to be a good skill to learn in his life. Essentially it should have nothing to do with you, and be something he does for himself in every aspect of your life. But if it can possibly affect your relationship for the better, then I really hope it does.

Good luck, keep us posted.

[Chico333]

So this weekend my ex and I hung out twice. I was the one who initiated grabbing a drink on Fri. and then he asked me to go to dinner the next night. I was missing him. I should have never asked him to hang out. We had a few drinks on saterday and I told him I would give him another chance and could be together, the entire next day just didn't feel right. I had a knot in my stomach and knew I shouldn't have done that. I talked to him later and apologized telling him I made the wrong decision of everything this weekend and that I can't be with him and need to keep thinking about things. He got really sad and said ok and that he understood. I feel bad. He has made an appointment to go to therapy already and I'll leave him to his own business for a while.

 

I feel so confused. I feel like I am rushing myself to make a decision whether I want a real break up or not. In my mind I am thinking "this should be easy. Either you want to be with him or don't." But it's not easy. I don't think I have truly forgiven him for his actions and I'm more hurt that I was letting myself think. We have been through so much together. When he did what he did I didn't expect him to react in such a mature manner and was in the mind set that it was over. So this was kind of a curve ball for me and now my feelings are very mixed. Is this normal? Why am I having such a hard time with this? I was in love with him just a few weeks ago. How can I go from that to such mixed feelings in such a short period of time. We have been together for 3 years. I am very confused and have an empty feeling of not knowing what to do.

[Tiera D]

Dont give him mixed signals not cool at all, take your time to make a decision or give him a "test" to aid your consideration as long its not too unreasonable,think properly try to recall events during the breakup until now,take your time ok

 

TD