Best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else

[Gottabestrong]

You all know the saying, but what do you think about it?

 

And I am not only refering to sex, but to dating. After you have been dumped, if you don't break down crying all the time and are still able to enjoy your life, but still get sad every time you think about the person who no longer wants to be in your life, does it help to get back out there and start dating or do you think it will just remind you of your ex and make you even sadder?

[Treasa]

No, I'm of the opinion that I'm FREE once I'm single again. If I go from guy to guy, I'm neglecting the one ugly thing I'm not prepared to face, which is that I'm not ok being by myself.

 

And the more I love myself, the more happy I am being on my own, to be honest. I've never needed a guy when I've felt at my most confident. So I'm fixing the injury at its root rather than slapping a bandaid on the bit that's bleeding through.

 

I hope that made sense. I had ex aggro a few minutes ago.

[carhill]

Different processes work for different people. As anecdotes, I've known very few people in life who don't start dating others either prior to or concurrently with ending relationships or marriages. The unions become 'public' at a more appropriately palatable time. So, in my demographic, based on 53 in it continuously, getting under someone else to get over someone else is the norm and other behaviors are outlier. In another similar thread, a poster mentioned that good people are rarely single/alone long. I would extend that to people in general. Good on 'em. Normalcy bonds them.

[YorickBrown]

You all know the saying, but what do you think about it?

 

And I am not only refering to sex, but to dating. After you have been dumped, if you don't break down crying all the time and are still able to enjoy your life, but still get sad every time you think about the person who no longer wants to be in your life, does it help to get back out there and start dating or do you think it will just remind you of your ex and make you even sadder?

 

Darn it Gottabestrong!!! you tricked me with your topic thread!!!

 

Just dating huh?!? Well i spose you could always date a uhmmm.... "missionary" or a "cowgirl"...or better yet...a "missionary cowgirl!" from Australia!!!

 

Someone's bound to get "under" in a relationship like that...hehehe...ok, that was weak...

 

Anyways, for me...."anything" to hasten the "recovery process"..."I'll take it". Nutthin like a round mound of rebound...ahhhh...now that I think about it....geez...i think my ex did "send" me one! Rebound girl wasn't really that great but she offered uhmm.."inside info" (sorry, i cant stop with the double entendres )....and she did "distract" me for a couple of weeks....I have a sinking feeling somehow my ex put her up to it....Darn it! Tricked again

[skydiveaddict]

You all know the saying, but what do you think about it?

 

Start skydiving.

[bpdr]

No, I'm of the opinion that I'm FREE once I'm single again. If I go from guy to guy, I'm neglecting the one ugly thing I'm not prepared to face, which is that I'm not ok being by myself.

 

And the more I love myself, the more happy I am being on my own, to be honest. I've never needed a guy when I've felt at my most confident. So I'm fixing the injury at its root rather than slapping a bandaid on the bit that's bleeding through.

 

I hope that made sense. I had ex aggro a few minutes ago.

 

I tend to think respect for yourself plays a vital role. My STBXW has already hopped into the sack with someone new - and I can tell she is miserable by the emails she sends -- even though I remain NC.

 

She seems to be drowning her sorrows in booze and arms of another man - which is FINE by me. She is of no use to me in any way now. If I were to follow that same destructive path - I might not be coping as well as I have.

 

Hard as it is to see her motive, I am simply concluding what I thought about her cheap behavior all long. SHE'S NOT THE ONE FOR ME!!

 

My day in the sunshine -- is YET to be revealed with someone new. I am looking forward to that day, albeit - WHEN I AM READY!

 

Cheers!

[jwhite]

Good luck finding youself if you do. Seems cheap, childish, and backwards

[pteromom]

Every person is different, and every relationship is different.

 

Sometimes a lot of self-reflection is needed after a breakup, and sometimes you have already done all the work trying to save the relationship and are ready to move on.

 

I do think that just about everyone needs some time to "re-normalize" after a bad relationship before moving on to anything else long-term.

[fucpcg]

My ex has slept with all kinds of men since our split, and she doesn't seem happy to me when I bump into her. I've slept with one exex, and one girl I dated for a while, since the ex broke up with me, and I really didn't enjoy either one because my heart was somewhere else. Sex without emotional connection is meaningless to me, and an overdose of meaningless does not add up to a meaningful. I had a few passing encounters in my 20's, and don't really have any regrets about it nor did I overly enjoy them, but the thought of having just anyone as a partner disgusts me.

[aMguilts]

Hi Gottabestrong

 

In a way you are right but also it`s just a bandage.

It`s a rebound relationship,and 9 times out of ten , they don`t work. Why?, because you havn`t healed from the previous relationship.

 

If you do`nt see it as a relationship then that`s fine. Shag away.

 

Better to heal and see what went wrong before moving on to the next thou IMO.

Better to start a new relationship stronger (in yourself) than to just go in all guns blazing.

Being strong in the head will make you strong in the heart too.

 

Once bitten, twice shy is a saying thats better than yours ( with the greatest of respect of course! )

 

aM

[MAD]

I very nuch agree with the aspect of healing yourself first.I can't .enjoy being wth someone else til I enjoy being myself.It would not be fair and to be honest I have only been with my wife for the last 15 yr so don't even have a clue how I would perform I'm a romantic man at heart sometimes wish I never was at all because how many times did I have a canhle light dinner waiting for my wife and never had a clue she just came home from OM place.Ahh I got to go that thought just made me hurt so bad sorry for post .

[KraftDinner]

The expression works for me!

[portableversion]

i tried to have sex with others after my divorce and it was a miserable experience. One was a married girl i knew from years past. afterwards i was alone crying in my hotel room wishing i could just go back home. The other time i was crying a lot and went to a massage parlor to try to forget, but it was an exercise in futility. I know i cant be with any one else right now. Not sure when ill be ready. SHes got a boyfriend already, some guy she was flirting with 2 yrs before we got divorced. Im not sure if you could call that a rebound or not. To me it seems i was left for another guy though she denies that. SHes told me so many lies during and after the divorce i have no idea what to think. Im shocked i never thought her to be such a person. I sometimes wonder who she is. Makes me wonder if thre have been more lies i just dont know about.

For me its just gonna take time. I dont really have to worry about rebounds. IN generl ive had crappy luck in the dating world, i get dumped and im single again for a long time. oh well. at this time i can tell im gonnae be sinlge for a long time. Im just working on my self. I do hope she would come back to me i miss my family

[lakerman34]

It does and it doesn't, but if I were to advise another man after they JUST got out of a relationship, I'd say don't.

 

I got under another girl 2 weeks after I was dumped. It was terrible. The girl told me that I lacked confidence (which, I am a guy that is VERY confident), and I kept telling myself that she was my ex-girlfriend.

 

HOWEVER, the next day after giving it A LOT of thought, it felt good that I was still wanted by women. Otherwise, it was meaningless sex, and when I saw my ex macking on another guy (just 3 days later), me 'getting under someone else' didn't really matter.

 

A month and a half later, I got under another girl. This was A LOT easier for me, and felt a lot more natural, but thoughts of my ex STILL POPPED UP IN MY HEAD.

 

The best thing you can really do for yourself is date around, talk to as many girls as you can, and just have fun. I've turned down 2 girls since, because I know that I wouldn't be fully into the sex, and it's just not worth it to me unless I'm into it 100%. A lot of people feel worse and GUILTY after getting under someone else too soon, and understandably so (after the first girl, my ex's best friends were telling me that she wanted me back, so I did feel pretty guilty for having sex with a stranger).

 

I guess the best advice I could give is this: dance with other girls, flirt with other girls, wine and dine other girls, DON'T SLEEP WITH THEM. Too many emotions, and they probably won't be all for her.

[CopingGal]

I totally disagree with the OP. Just get back out there? If you do that you may be making the same mistake over and over again. You can't see things if you don't take a step back. Plus, why bring all of your baggage to a new relationship? Why use someone to get over someone else?

 

I have had several bad relationships. I never did the work after the breakups. I didn't jump into a new relationship, but I didn't do work either. I just go through it with time. My last relationship was horrible. It was then that I really took my time to process my relationship after the break up. I journaled, read self-help books, did the exercises, and processed the relationship. It really, really helped. I stay out of relationships for over a year. When I decided to date again I went on the dating websites. I met someone who appeared to be fantastic, but there were things that bothered me about him. I took what I learned from processing my last break up and I was able to see this guy for what he truly was- dysfunctional and disrespectful. I dumped him within 7 days.

[Sarahbee]

I think that getting straight back out there prevents us from learning the lessons of the relationship and breakup that we've just come out of. If we choose to, we can learn so much about ourselves and about relationships by taking the time to process what went on and why it ended. If we learn the lessons at the time, it will prevent us from having to repeat them with the next person - we become wise to red flags, signs and relationship patterns that no longer serve us.

 

Also, getting straight back into sex with someone else when you haven't taken the time to heal is not honouring yourself, the person you've just broken up with or the new person. I know that if I tried that tactic it would make me feel a whole lot worse because I'm still not over my ex and would be wishing it was him - not good! Time is your friend in these situations if you choose to use it to learn and grow, thereby increasing your chances of attracting someone with whom you can have a healthy and loving relationship.

[Renard99]

I'm fairly neutral on the subject. I can see it being both beneficial and damaging at the same time. I say this from experience.

 

I only hooked up with one person after the break up but I got both positive and negative things out of it.

 

On the one hand it made me feel desired in multiple ways. After such massive rejection of the break up, even the slightest bit of attention felt like such a confidence boost, especially when it was sexual attention (and then when they came back asking for "another epic performance like that last time"...... well, again, really helped boost a beaten up ego). It also helped me come to the realisation that my ex wasn't as good as I thought. The girl I hooked up with wanted to go out socially, she took my feelings into account much more often, and, when it came to the bedroom, she was miles better than my ex. It also gave me a chance to practice some of the lessons that I'd learnt from my break up and it was reassuring to see some of it working. I suddenly felt 'alive' again..........

 

but.........

 

On the other hand, I felt guilty, almost like I was cheating on my ex.... even though we weren't together any more. I hadn't 'let go' of my ex enough to feel like we were no longer together. The emotional strain of feeling guilty, on top of the raw emtions of the break up, tore me apart. I also realised that all of these emotions caused my 'dating radar' to be well off! Whilst this woman was good in many ways, she was also totally not my type, and when it boiled down, we had little in common. Rushing in to it all, without healing first, made me lose track of 'me' and what I wanted from a partner. And... finally, despite both going into it with a 'casual dating/friends with benefits' frame of mind, it was fairly obvious for all to see that she fell for me very very quickly. Unfortunately I didn't feel the same. I broke it off as soon as I realised but felt incredibly bad about doing it. I felt like I'd just done exactly what my ex had done to me. I felt awful for days afterwards..... ok, so I didn't think about my ex in this time but all that meant was that I was just supressing the 'getting over my ex' feelings, prolonging my healing by at least a month.

 

Take what you will from my story but to sum up...... I felt great whilst I got under someone else and it was nice to pull myself out of the depression of the break up and feel normal for the first time in ages, but it was certainly NOT the best way to get over someone. It's good for taking a break from healing, but that's all it is, a break, not part of the healing itself.

[lakerman34]

I'm fairly neutral on the subject. I can see it being both beneficial and damaging at the same time. I say this from experience.

 

I only hooked up with one person after the break up but I got both positive and negative things out of it.

 

On the one hand it made me feel desired in multiple ways. After such massive rejection of the break up, even the slightest bit of attention felt like such a confidence boost, especially when it was sexual attention (and then when they came back asking for "another epic performance like that last time"...... well, again, really helped boost a beaten up ego). It also helped me come to the realisation that my ex wasn't as good as I thought. The girl I hooked up with wanted to go out socially, she took my feelings into account much more often, and, when it came to the bedroom, she was miles better than my ex. It also gave me a chance to practice some of the lessons that I'd learnt from my break up and it was reassuring to see some of it working. I suddenly felt 'alive' again..........

 

but.........

 

On the other hand, I felt guilty, almost like I was cheating on my ex.... even though we weren't together any more. I hadn't 'let go' of my ex enough to feel like we were no longer together. The emotional strain of feeling guilty, on top of the raw emtions of the break up, tore me apart. I also realised that all of these emotions caused my 'dating radar' to be well off! Whilst this woman was good in many ways, she was also totally not my type, and when it boiled down, we had little in common. Rushing in to it all, without healing first, made me lose track of 'me' and what I wanted from a partner. And... finally, despite both going into it with a 'casual dating/friends with benefits' frame of mind, it was fairly obvious for all to see that she fell for me very very quickly. Unfortunately I didn't feel the same. I broke it off as soon as I realised but felt incredibly bad about doing it. I felt like I'd just done exactly what my ex had done to me. I felt awful for days afterwards..... ok, so I didn't think about my ex in this time but all that meant was that I was just supressing the 'getting over my ex' feelings, prolonging my healing by at least a month.

 

Take what you will from my story but to sum up...... I felt great whilst I got under someone else and it was nice to pull myself out of the depression of the break up and feel normal for the first time in ages, but it was certainly NOT the best way to get over someone. It's good for taking a break from healing, but that's all it is, a break, not part of the healing itself.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[CopingGal]

There are healthier ways of getting self-confidence than rebounding.

[Renard99]

There are healthier ways of getting self-confidence than rebounding.

 

Yes, I agree, but you don't often see them at the time. It's like there are healthier was of eating, but once a chocolate cake is presented to you......... When you get the slightest sniff that someone is interested in you, it's like a drug and you get high on the feeling, especially when you've been so low. Your brain's distracted and you're vulnerable meaning it's easier to succumb to things you know you probably shouldn't. I know it's about self control but I found that lacking in the post break up phase.

 

I'm by no means recommending 'getting under someone', I just wouldn't blame anyone that did

Edited December 5, 2012 by Renard99

[lakerman34]

Yes, I agree, but you don't often see them at the time. It's like there are healthier was of eating, but once a chocolate cake is presented to you......... When you get the slightest sniff that someone is interested in you, it's like a drug and you get high on the feeling, especially when you've been so low. Your brain's distracted and you're vulnerable meaning it's easier to succumb to things you know you probably shouldn't. I know it's about self control but I found that lacking in the post break up phase.

 

I'm by no means recommending 'getting under someone', I just wouldn't blame anyone that did

 

Couldn't agree more with this one as well.

 

I'm as strong-willed and disciplined as they come, but when that girl asked me to go back to her place only 2 weeks after my breakup, it felt like it was a win-win situation. Would help me get over the pain I was in, would get sex (and who doesn't love sex), and would make me feel empowered and wanted again. Well, it did feel good to feel wanted by women again, but I did, in a weird way, felt like I was cheating.

[Gottabestrong]

Since I started this thread, I thought I might chime in.

 

Looks to me like most women agree that it is better to not get back into dating straight away, but to focus on healing and self-improvement. While most men think that while it would be wrong to start a relationship too quickly, having sex has definite benefits to it.

 

Well, I am a woman and while I can't even think about sleeping with anybody else at the moment, I have noticed that going out on dates with different guys does help me deal with the pain and rejection. I make it very clear in advance that I am not looking for a relationship, and usually I don't see any guy more than once, but even just spending a few hours together, having drinks and talking, helps me forget about my breakup for a short while and distracts me for a few hours.

 

As an additional benefit I can't talk about my breakup on these dates and therefore am forced to talk about something else for once. Which I am sure my friends and family would appreciate.

[jwhite]

Interesting. I still think that you are using them a little bit. Why? because they are guys.

 

I think you should even be more specific with them before hand. Instead of saying that you are not looking for a relationship(which btw is like sweet music to their ears), say that you just got out of a relationship and need someone to talk to to get your mind off of it. Oh wait that is the same thing.

 

I hope you are paying...bc it sucks for them.

 

They have romantic hope when they go on these dates with you, yet you know that you have no intention to do so. So in effect, it's rebounding/bandaiding/using

 

I suggest do what the other girls told you to do. Heal and work on yourself

Edited December 5, 2012 by jwhite

[lakerman34]

Interesting. I still think that you are using them a little bit. Why? because they are guys.

 

I think you should even be more specific with them before hand. Instead of saying that you are not looking for a relationship(which btw is like sweet music to their ears), say that you just got out of a relationship and need someone to talk to to get your mind off of it. Oh wait that is the same thing.

 

I hope you are paying...bc it sucks for them.

 

They have romantic hope when they go on these dates with you, yet you know that you have no intention to do so. So in effect, it's rebounding/bandaiding/using

 

I suggest do what the other girls told you to do. Heal and work on yourself

 

I don't completely agree with this. I know I dated a few girls to help me get over my ex. If you find a girl/guy you like, and you're not entirely over the ex, I think you should let them know and take things VERY slowly. Maybe he/she will help you get over the ex, and maybe he/she will be the next 'one.' ESPECIALLY if he/she is willing to hang around and wait for you. That's really saying something...

[Renard99]

I don't completely agree with this. I know I dated a few girls to help me get over my ex. If you find a girl/guy you like, and you're not entirely over the ex, I think you should let them know and take things VERY slowly. Maybe he/she will help you get over the ex, and maybe he/she will be the next 'one.' ESPECIALLY if he/she is willing to hang around and wait for you. That's really saying something...

 

I agree with Lakerman, especially as this is almost what happened with my current girlfriend.

I met her and we hit it off straight away, however, not long after we met, my ex tried getting back together with me. I declined her offer but I wasn't going to lie to the new woman and said that it had affected me a little. At the same time, the new woman told me, that despite being apart for 2 years, her ex had been a bit of a jerk about the divorce papers and was only just gettting round to signing everything, and this was a little daunting for her. We both agreed to take it slow through this period and just prolonged the 'getting to know you' phase until we were both more stable. We were both willing to wait for each other. When we did declare it a relationship we ended up much stronger than before because we understood each other much better.