At my wit's end

[Aslanbek]

The relationship YOU have with your kids does not end if you divorce - in my case (M 20 years) I was capable of parenting my kids after the D the WAY I WANTED to parent them! Which is great - because NOW I don't have my exH undermining all the good things I love to share with them!

 

How old are your kids?

 

I think it's different for men, at least those who are "nontraditional" (i.e, very involved more than Mom.) A mother doesn't have as much fear of losing parenting influence as the father because the system favors women. My wife knows this and uses this fear against me. What a peach, huh?

 

The kids are early teens.

[Aslanbek]

So it's been a while since the last post.....our relationship has been a series of downs and worse....she won't come to sleep with me and I get very angry and feel hurt, rejected and insulted. I'm not even talking about sex....I just wanted to hold her and she won't even come to bed or tell me why she won't come to bed! I'm so pissed off I can't even think straight. She does this **** all the time. Damn, I wish she'd just be out of my life!

[Mumbles]

...She is helping me to try and get over my feelings of guilt and "failure" leaving my husband. I need to follow my own advice, but she has told me to "NOT think of the marriage as a failure", but as a chapter in my life.

 

Yep - this. Don't dismiss this piece of advice - its gold.

 

Married 11 years here, been separated now for about 3 (and living away for 2), divorce should be coming through in about a week.

 

It took the support of a really good friend of mine, who, in a round-a-bout way essentially gave me the same advice as above ... I now honestly and truly look at my marriage as a great part of my life, because up until the end it was.

 

But that chapter of my life is now over and I have to embrace the next chapter, whatever that might be.

 

Its all to easy to descend into feelings of hopelessness and overpowering loss .. and loss is really painful, but you can make it through.

 

I'd highly recommend a therapist, if you don't have any good therapist type friends that is

[wisdonfanny]

I am so sorry to hear about ur story. Please do not give up. try to do something to cheer ur wife up, make her laugh, pick up and drop down her as you did before you got married with her. Go back to the past when you both fell in love. WRITte to her and invite her to date out with you......lots of ways to do. if u never do those what i mentioned u are not qulified to say u wanna to give up ur wife.

[Aslanbek]

Yep - this. Don't dismiss this piece of advice - its gold.

 

Married 11 years here, been separated now for about 3 (and living away for 2), divorce should be coming through in about a week.

 

It took the support of a really good friend of mine, who, in a round-a-bout way essentially gave me the same advice as above ... I now honestly and truly look at my marriage as a great part of my life, because up until the end it was.

 

But that chapter of my life is now over and I have to embrace the next chapter, whatever that might be.

 

Its all to easy to descend into feelings of hopelessness and overpowering loss .. and loss is really painful, but you can make it through.

 

I'd highly recommend a therapist, if you don't have any good therapist type friends that is

 

No friends or family to talk to, which makes this especially difficult. I am trying to find a therapist, so far no luck.

[Aslanbek]

I am so sorry to hear about ur story. Please do not give up. try to do something to cheer ur wife up, make her laugh, pick up and drop down her as you did before you got married with her. Go back to the past when you both fell in love. WRITte to her and invite her to date out with you......lots of ways to do. if u never do those what i mentioned u are not qulified to say u wanna to give up ur wife.

 

I've tried to be romantic with her, and all I get is evil sarcasm and more cold shoulder. I'm tired of opening myself to her emotionally and getting **** on in return.

[M30USA]

I've tried to be romantic with her, and all I get is evil sarcasm and more cold shoulder. I'm tired of opening myself to her emotionally and getting **** on in return.

 

While I can't judge the exact nature of your relationship, there IS such as thing as one spouse putting the other in a lose-lose situation. The same applies to non-romantic relationships. If someone is out to get you, nothing you can do is right or will remedy the situation. Yet on top of it all, you are the one who gets blamed for "not being part of the solution" or they will say "it takes two to have a succesful relationship"--both of which are true, by the way, but ONLY when applied correctly and in the absence of any abuse or extenuating psychological illnesses that demand fixing by one particular member in the relationship.

[aMguilts]

I've tried to be romantic with her, and all I get is evil sarcasm and more cold shoulder. I'm tired of opening myself to her emotionally and getting **** on in return.

 

hi Aslanbek

 

Then do the opposite.

Be cold to her. Be aloof.

It`s clear that being nice to her isn`t working.?

And i don`t mean you need to be nasty either.

Best thing to do, just agree with whatever she wants.

She wants a divorce, say ok.

 

You know dogs when they are puppies? They go round and round trying to bite their own tail? Round and round, never quite catching it, but they still try...round and around. At a certain age they give up, they stop chasing the tail. Even dogs know when to stop chasing something that is out of reach.

 

Stop chasing your tail .

Use your head.

aM

[Mumbles]

No friends or family to talk to, which makes this especially difficult. I am trying to find a therapist, so far no luck.

 

Yep. I feel it, I really do. I wasn't able to tell my family of my "failure" for almost 2 years. Surely they were mightily suspicious that something was up, and that the something wasn't good - but I just couldn't spill the beans.

 

I had a personal problem with seeking help via therapy, I think I'm past that now, but I only got there with the help of a really good platonic female friend. She acted as my therapist and I think it made a difference that she was female.

 

Given my experience, I'd highly recommend you choose a mature female therapist at your earliest possible opportunity. I needed someone who wasn't going to agree with all my grief and anger but someone with a female point of view who would slap me across the face with a big wet fish when I was clearly off the rails in my thinking.

 

I didn't need someone to side with me, nor someone slapping me with feminist based bulltwang either.

 

 

I've tried to be romantic with her, and all I get is evil sarcasm and more cold shoulder. I'm tired of opening myself to her emotionally and getting **** on in return.

 

I don't know you and I don't know your situation, but I am hearing echo's of what to me sounds pretty similar to my situation. If so, trying to re-kindle the romance at this point is not going to go even close to working. I reckon you both need _immediate_ space.

 

In my case, I bought a new house and moved in by myself.

 

Looking back, I think creating the space was definitely the right thing. However, agreeing immediately to a divorce when the pain, grief and anger was at its climax for both of us may not have been the wisest possible choice.

 

Some years have passed now and I have dealt with the loss of my marriage, but I ponder sometimes if a bit of breathing room was all we may really have needed and who knows what might have been possible via counselling once the space was created.

 

 

hi Aslanbek

 

Then do the opposite.

Be cold to her. Be aloof.

It`s clear that being nice to her isn`t working.?

And i don`t mean you need to be nasty either.

Best thing to do, just agree with whatever she wants.

She wants a divorce, say ok.

 

I don't know about this. Everyone is different and each relationship has its own unique dynamic of course. I do aloof and cold really well. Its my standard go-to face to the world.

 

My wife I think certainly couldn't go down the rebuilding of the romance bit right away, we both needed immediate disengagement from what had become a seriously unhappy circumstance. But she probably needed to feel/see that our impending relationship collapse was having at least some emotional effect on me. I know this can be read as "she wanted to see me in pain", and to a small degree this is what I mean, but not in a really vindictive sort of way, she just wanted to know that she mattered to me and that losing her was going to affect me.

 

Of course, losing my marriage _did_ affect me, profoundly, but as I say, cool and aloof is a poker face I pull off extremely well.

 

See a therapist, seriously, pick one at random from the phone book this afternoon, make sure they are a 'she' and not a feminist bible bashing harpy, then make your first appointment this week, if you don't get a good feeling then try a new one next week.

 

I needed to find a path out of who was right and who was wrong, who needed to do what and when in order for things to change, out of any feelings of who owed what and to whom, who is winning, who is losing ... who has had the most post separation lovers (yes, really, be prepared, it can knock you for six).

 

I needed space, then perspective, then I needed to think about me, and what I wanted from life ... but I think its important to get centred again, understand the man, because maybe things can be repaired or renewed with your wife, and maybe they can't, but in either case you have to be able to move forward as a man, comfortable in your own skin and not necessarily as a husband.

[Aslanbek]

I think.......this thing is beyond repair. This woman is insane. I am ready to end it. But I am still scared of all the horrible things that have to happen in order to have this happen.

 

This is the absolute worst Christmas I've ever had.

[Mumbles]

You both need space. You can't be trying to rekindle the relationship right now, to try is to invite some pretty 'insane' behaviour, from both of you no doubt.

 

Make that space, then proceed from there.

 

You say you are ready to end it, well, maybe that is the right move, but not yet, in my opinion. Take as much time as you both need to come to sensible decisions - and that amount of time is going to be more than a week, more than a month.

[2sunny]

I think.......this thing is beyond repair. This woman is insane. I am ready to end it. But I am still scared of all the horrible things that have to happen in order to have this happen.

 

This is the absolute worst Christmas I've ever had.

 

Maybe the best Xmas present you could give yourself is to leave her.

 

I'm sure you will feel better being away from a woman who rejects and hurts you.

 

You may not realize it until you are on your own - but it can and does get better.

[aMguilts]

I think.......this thing is beyond repair. This woman is insane. I am ready to end it. But I am still scared of all the horrible things that have to happen in order to have this happen.

 

This is the absolute worst Christmas I've ever had.

 

hi Aslanbek

 

I`m really sorry you had a sh***y christmas:eek:.

Divorce is scary. We are all on here because we are trying to find ways on how to either resolve it or get through it or in most of the cases both.

 

One thing, you are not alone ok?

Try not to think about the future and what will happen. You do not know what is going to happen. Try the mindset of living day by day. You may be scared because you are thinking way to far ahead.

Live for the now and tackle any problem that affects you when and if it comes.

 

Again , sorry you`ve had a rough time, Christmas can be the happiest for a lot, but for some it can be the most loneliest and sadist.

 

Keep posting.

Hugs

aM

[Aslanbek]

hi Aslanbek

 

I`m really sorry you had a sh***y christmas:eek:.

Divorce is scary. We are all on here because we are trying to find ways on how to either resolve it or get through it or in most of the cases both.

 

One thing, you are not alone ok?

 

Thanks. It's so hard to think about life alone. I hated being alone when I was younger, and it'll be even worse now that I'm older. At least that's how it seems. But at least I have the Internet and people like you to talk to now.

 

 

Try not to think about the future and what will happen. You do not know what is going to happen. Try the mindset of living day by day. You may be scared because you are thinking way to far ahead.

Live for the now and tackle any problem that affects you when and if it comes.

 

I always thought my ability to think way ahead of others was an asset, but I can see that it sometimes can be a problem as well..........

 

Again , sorry you`ve had a rough time, Christmas can be the happiest for a lot, but for some it can be the most loneliest and sadist.

 

Keep posting.

Hugs

aM

 

Thanks.

[Aslanbek]

Well......she has moved into the living room. She is also violent and I think she is bipolar. I am worried for my kids but cannot afford to move out.

[2sunny]

Stop using excuses!

 

Man up and face her - tell her to get out now!

 

If she gets violent - call the police EVERY time she gets abusive - whether with words or physically!

 

Start doing something to help yourself and your kids! Doing nothing is doing the wrong thing - you're making it ok by doing nothing to stop this.