HisSweety Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 Long story short , met at work , fell hard and fast , we got caught by his wife about 6 months in , she over heard us talking on the phone , he left , I suggested he go back cause of his kids , the do mean everything to him ! And he did ( totally ok with it ) Continued affair for another 2.5 years almost , and today I realized something after having spent the day together yesterday ! Even with all the silly stupid chances we have taken to spend time together , we made love in her studio , on their porch ( we thought it would be adventurous , I thought it meant he loved me ) He does not ! During our day yesterday she calls twice , apparently I got angry ( I do not recall being angry , I even told him to call her back quickly ) I told him that things seemed different cause after making love he was ready to go as it was getting late and we both needed to be home before our spouses made it home because normally we spend a long time just holding each other . Well today he called and had a tone in his voice I asked if everything was ok , he replied that he was bothered that I was angry ( again I was not ) and that if I could not deal with her phone calls then we will not be getting together anymore . I was very confused to say the least . We have taken some serious chances to see each other , and even spending the night at our favorite hotel . I thought it meant something those chances , today I figured out that he never really has cared about me or my feelings , just what I could bring to the bed . I guess I just figured out that was all I was to him a cheap piece of booty ! I may not be perfect and I may have a loveless / sexless marriage but I don't want to be the whore I was made out to feel like today any more . Sorry this turned out to be long rather than short : ) Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 (edited) After three years, you are probably more than just a piece of booty, but not enough to compete with the W. If you seemed angry to him (I've been there), you're not okay with being second whatever you tell yourself. He's also making it clear you need to deal with it as an A, and nothing more. Time to say goodbye. Men to have sex with a woman in a sexless marriage...a dime a dozen. You invested feelings in this one, and you'll feel more and more used the more you try to get some validation from him. I'm not suggesting you find yourself a different A, I'm just telling you he's not special and you could have your pick. Edited November 27, 2012 by cutedragon Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted November 27, 2012 Author Share Posted November 27, 2012 Thing is I was not angry at all , It is something I have learned to deal with like vacations or holidays I have my own life with my own family and I enjoy those times . But this one got me .... Maybe he was himself upset that time got away from us , I don't know but today he just seemed like it would be no big deal if we ended it . I think that is what bothers me knowing now that I mean so little to him ! Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 You'll just have to come to terms with it. Affairs are in general temporary arrangements, and be greatful yours is not dying a violent death. It just...fizzled out. He might try to keep you around and not acknowledge the loss of interest, but don't stay. Women want relationships to be meaningful and we want to be important to the people we love. Sometimes out feelings are not reciprocated, and it's best we keep our dignity and walk away. How much you mean to him will not matter in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 You made love in her studio and on their porch and convinced yourself it was adventurous? OMG! You are dealing with a grown adolescent having to rebel against his mean mommy, unfairly projected onto his wife, and now, years later, onto you! Pretty scary stuff, no? As long as you don't criticize, or appear angry, or express a need to cuddle after sex, everything is fine. But you didn't do that yesterday and he projected the angry tone he thought he heard, (like mommy) onto you. bet he does that all the time with his wife, poor thing. Love, schmove. You walked into a man working out his childhood dynamic, or not. as long as you are perfectly adoring and accommodating, he'll still drop by and see you. just don't place any demands on him he may construe as criticisms...like yesterday. I would run away if I were you. His behavior is not likely to change permanently. I think you just got a glimpse of the angry, rebellious guy she probably lives with every day. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 27, 2012 Share Posted November 27, 2012 You made love in her studio and on their porch and convinced yourself it was adventurous? OMG! You are dealing with a grown adolescent having to rebel against his mean mommy, unfairly projected onto his wife, and now, years later, onto you! Pretty scary stuff, no? As long as you don't criticize, or appear angry, or express a need to cuddle after sex, everything is fine. But you didn't do that yesterday and he projected the angry tone he thought he heard, (like mommy) onto you. bet he does that all the time with his wife, poor thing. Love, schmove. You walked into a man working out his childhood dynamic, or not. as long as you are perfectly adoring and accommodating, he'll still drop by and see you. just don't place any demands on him he may construe as criticisms...like yesterday. I would run away if I were you. His behavior is not likely to change permanently. I think you just got a glimpse of the angry, rebellious guy she probably lives with every day. Maybe he has OOW. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 so, does this mean you'll be looking for another AP? are you gonna stay in your "unsatisfying" marriage? sounds like trouble if you work with this guy-- going NC and all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 I am not sure at this point what I am going to do . I actually had the thought I would do the same thing to him , you know meet spend sometime then jump up and say hey got to go !! I agree this is a pattern of his behavior , it seems anytime he gets this " inkling" to leave her he pushes me away , EVERYTIME !!! I sometimes think he wants to really leave but I won't be the reason he does . As far as work I can transfer with a loss of time , but we are only in the office together for about an hour . Which is funny in it's self he thinks no one at work knows , I found out the they all do , and not by talk but by his actions towards me . Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 No he does not have another other woman ! I do know that is one thing for sure . WE did talk tonight and I feel alot better , I told him how he made me feel and that I was not going to argue over something so trivial . He agreed and apologized because he mistook a comment I made as being angry over her calls , she is his wife after all , and we know if she catches us again there would be hell to pay . I do care for this man and I know he cares for me as well . I just think we get so caught up in the " relationship " when we can't be together as much as we want that little things set us off . I will not me making any drastic changes as of yet ! Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Are you saying you are going back with him after 3 years Affair? Think again though:confused::confused: No he does not have another other woman ! I do know that is one thing for sure . WE did talk tonight and I feel alot better , I told him how he made me feel and that I was not going to argue over something so trivial . He agreed and apologized because he mistook a comment I made as being angry over her calls , she is his wife after all , and we know if she catches us again there would be hell to pay . I do care for this man and I know he cares for me as well . I just think we get so caught up in the " relationship " when we can't be together as much as we want that little things set us off . I will not me making any drastic changes as of yet ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) Even with all the silly stupid chances we have taken to spend time together , we made love in her studio , on their porch ( we thought it would be adventurous , I thought it meant he loved me ) He does not ! I think you have an erroneous impression of love. Doing it in the home of the wife is not a sign of love. It is actually risky and could end your affair. Nevertheless, I think this man loves you. But, he loves you as his OW. He has feelings for you, but the feelings are within the compartment of the affair. He could throw you under the bus with a d-day, so please be careful. he was bothered that I was angry ( again I was not ) and that if I could not deal with her phone calls then we will not be getting together anymore . I was very confused to say the least . No need to be upset with this. He simply wants you to assume the more traditional role of the OW and he wants to continue the affair on his terms. We have taken some serious chances to see each other , and even spending the night at our favorite hotel . I thought it meant something those chances , today I figured out that he never really has cared about me or my feelings , just what I could bring to the bed . I guess I just figured out that was all I was to him a cheap piece of booty ! Hello!! Sex is a big component in many affairs and there is nothing wrong with sex. Once again you have an erroneous impression of what true love is. He loves you as his OW and most MM love the OW within the compartment of the affair. The great sex is part of the affair. On a philosophical point: If this guy truly loved you outside the compartment of the affair he would get a divorce and demand you do the same. I may not be perfect and I may have a loveless / sexless marriage but I don't want to be the whore I was made out to feel like today any more . Sorry this turned out to be long rather than short : ) I get the loveless marriage and you are not a bad woman. However, you should consider divorcing your H. What is the point of sexless and loveless? Edited November 28, 2012 by Pierre 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Thing is I was not angry at all , It is something I have learned to deal with like vacations or holidays I have my own life with my own family and I enjoy those times . But this one got me .... Maybe he was himself upset that time got away from us , I don't know but today he just seemed like it would be no big deal if we ended it . I think that is what bothers me knowing now that I mean so little to him ! Somehow he's managed to separate this from his marriage. He may care about you but he isn't in love with you. If he was, you two wouldn't be doing it in their house around his wife's belongings. It's just an affair to him and it seems the A means more to you than it does to him. Next time you see him, say no to sex. Especially in THEIR house, or anywhere around his wife's personal things that she owns. He doesn't respect you, or his wife. PERIOD. After the D-day, did his wife tell your husband about the affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted November 28, 2012 Author Share Posted November 28, 2012 Let me clarify , we have not had sex in their house , surrounding areas yes . The studio I do think was a misguided angry towards her . That's his issue ! No I am not saying I am going back . Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 Let me clarify , we have not had sex in their house , surrounding areas yes . The studio I do think was a misguided angry towards her . That's his issue ! No I am not saying I am going back . Sex in her porch is not the same as sex in her living room. OK Did you ever have sex in your house? Why is he so angry? He has the best of both worlds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted November 28, 2012 Share Posted November 28, 2012 No he does not have another other woman ! I do know that is one thing for sure . WE did talk tonight and I feel alot better , I told him how he made me feel and that I was not going to argue over something so trivial . He agreed and apologized because he mistook a comment I made as being angry over her calls , she is his wife after all , and we know if she catches us again there would be hell to pay . I do care for this man and I know he cares for me as well . I just think we get so caught up in the " relationship " when we can't be together as much as we want that little things set us off . I will not me making any drastic changes as of yet ! Ok so let me get this straight, she caught you and her husband 2.5 years ago and still hasn't caught you again. How is that even possible? How could she not know, I'm sure she knows but is well aware of the fact that he won't end things with you so she turns a blind eye to it. You know what his wife will do if she catches him again, most likely nothing! Before you all jump all over me this is just my experience and opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Ok so let me get this straight, she caught you and her husband 2.5 years ago and still hasn't caught you again. How is that even possible? How could she not know, I'm sure she knows but is well aware of the fact that he won't end things with you so she turns a blind eye to it. You know what his wife will do if she catches him again, most likely nothing! Before you all jump all over me this is just my experience and opinion. I would never jump over anyone : ) It is possible because we have been very careful , even with the stupid chances . Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Do you really think it's gonna make that much difference, that you weren't in her house? You are intruding on her space, and your mm is giving his wife a big f/u by doing it in her space. Bigger question you ought to be asking yourself is why you and your mm feel the need to degrade this woman by trespassing in her private space? It's one thing to have an affair, but totally different to invade her space. I agree LadyGrey , it was wrong , very wrong ! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HisSweety Posted November 29, 2012 Author Share Posted November 29, 2012 Sex in her porch is not the same as sex in her living room. OK Did you ever have sex in your house? Why is he so angry? He has the best of both worlds. No we never did , I do not know why he was angry , the only thing I can think of is he was pushing me away cause he does that when he wants to leave his wife . I will say I have never asked him to , never hinted that he should , I was actually happy with the way things are / were . Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 No we never did , I do not know why he was angry , the only thing I can think of is he was pushing me away cause he does that when he wants to leave his wife . I will say I have never asked him to , never hinted that he should , I was actually happy with the way things are / were . I believe there are two camps in MAPs; those that have extreme marital dissatisfaction but lack the courage and communication and coping skills to improve their relationship AND those who have REAL psychological issues. Neither one is a great relationship choice. but pushing others away, then holding them in a death grip IS a sign of a few disorders that fear intimacy as much as they fear abandonment, are prone to anger and cannot deal with criticism. I think you are deali g with the latter, and I hope it doesn't all blow up into your face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 So now you're all good with him now that he bumped you back to your quiet little corner? He's training you how to be his submissive OW by punishing you when you don't do things "his way"! How can that type of man possibly be appealing? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 30, 2012 Share Posted November 30, 2012 It sounds like he wants to be with you, as long as it's easy. But if you cause problems for him, he's gone. At least he's told you where he stands. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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