Do Men Want Relationships?

[GorillaTheater]

What aspects do men struggle with in matters of the heart? Anyone can really take a shot at this question.

 

"I just don't know what to do. There are a couple of sisters I want to try out; one has great big tits and the other one has an ass to die for, and I'm really torn here. Maybe I'll do 'em both. But that would take time away from my throat-f*cking porn, and that's a bummer. And how the hell am I going to fit in calling Verzn a "fatso" and laughing at her when she walks by?? Dammit. :("

[Els]

Responding solely to the question in the OP:

 

I think the appeal of a relationship to men IS being with someone they're 'nuts about'... but I also think that what makes them 'nuts about a woman' differs from man to man. The stereotypical mold you described (feminine but not in any 'negative' ways, leggy, gorgeous, independent but not too career-oriented, etc) honestly sounds like a list from some teen WoW player with an unrealistic fantasy view of women. And I should know, because I mingle with a lot of guys like that.

[verhrzn]

Responding solely to the question in the OP:

 

I think the appeal of a relationship to men IS being with someone they're 'nuts about'... but I also think that what makes them 'nuts about a woman' differs from man to man. The stereotypical mold you described (feminine but not in any 'negative' ways, leggy, gorgeous, independent but not too career-oriented, etc) honestly sounds like a list from some teen WoW player with an unrealistic fantasy view of women. And I should know, because I mingle with a lot of guys like that.

 

Then let's use the way LS female posters describe themselves. Everyone (save me, apparently) is "attractive" (beautiful), smart, accomplished, put-together, independent but feminine, etc. And the way girls describe themselves, they're all attractive in the same way.... small nose, nice teeth, good boobs, nice butt, small waist, etc.

 

I have YET to see anyone be like "Ooo man, girls missing teeth are the best!" "I love women with droopy boobs!" "Man, I love curves.... and by that I mean giant stomaches."

 

So, it DOES seem like there IS a narrow definition of what is beautiful. This has been confirmed over and over in studies. Why are people still denying this?

[Drseussgrrl]

Because it's in men's DNA to spread their seed. It's because they're visual creatures and they like variety. It's why married men still sneak a peak at the hot waitress even if they're happily married. It's why yeah, they check out the girl in the tight yoga pants at the gym. It's why they have a "spank bank" to refer to when they're "going it alone". It's because men are men. And I don't hate them for it.

 

But I think it's really unfair to paint them with this broad brush that the majority would forgo love and commitment if provided the opportunity to have all the free p*ssy in the world. Whole wars have been fought for love by men. They love deeply and fiercely. And it feels so great when they do.

 

And as far as what men struggle with - I can't speak for men in general but from my own experiences, they struggle with wanting to feel appreciated (which is why a lot of them hate paying on dates - "gold diggers"), they struggle with feeling good enough, I think a lot of them just want to be accepted and loved for who they are. It's common on this board to see the fear seeping through their threads about being rejected, about being tossed aside when a woman gets bored, you name it.

 

I'll give you one example and it's my parents. They got divorced 5 years ago. My dad has never stopped loving my mom. He's dated women as young as me and even younger, but he can't get my mom out of his heart and I don't think he ever will. Every time we chat on the phone, he talks about her still, to this day. My dad is fit and attractive and never has a shortage of women wanting to date him.

 

So - explain that one. You want to chalk that up to a bruised ego? Don't think so.

[Els]

I'm confused, are we talking about definitions of 'beautiful' or 'women whom men want relationships with' here?

[udolipixie]

This was one of the first threads I pulled up.

 

"So me and my ex broke up 4 almost 5 months ago now and she is still in my head everyday. We were together for 5 and a half years and I have not been able to get any sort of closure from her. I have made all of the mistakes I read about on here like texting her and emailing her but she has not responded a single time. I just find it so hard to grasp how you can be with someone that long and then just go cold turkey without contact or answer as to why she did what she did.

 

I have been going to therapy and it is not really helping. I have tried several times to go NC with her but then I will make it a week or two until I breakdown and just send her a nice message in hopes that she would maybe one time respond to me. I still love her with all of my heart and I just wish I could get over this hump but I guess I am still holding onto some hope that one day she will come back.

 

I guess I just needed to write this and vent a little bit because it really does help to read through these forums and know that I am not the only person going through something like this.

 

It is really tough going through the first holiday season without her and I am just looking for some support from you guys. I thought for sure my feelings for her would die down a little bit by now but it feels like no matter what I do she is always in the back of my brain and it feels like it is slowly breaking me down."

 

I'm not seeing any true heartache or feelings.

 

I'm seeing dread of being without a gal and frustration over not having closure.

 

Either way it's doubtful to me he'd be making this post if he had viable options for no strings sex.

[udolipixie]

Then let's use the way LS female posters describe themselves. Everyone (save me, apparently) is "attractive" (beautiful), smart, accomplished, put-together, independent but feminine, etc. And the way girls describe themselves, they're all attractive in the same way.... small nose, nice teeth, good boobs, nice butt, small waist, etc.

 

I have YET to see anyone be like "Ooo man, girls missing teeth are the best!" "I love women with droopy boobs!" "Man, I love curves.... and by that I mean giant stomaches."

 

So, it DOES seem like there IS a narrow definition of what is beautiful. This has been confirmed over and over in studies. Why are people still denying this?

 

Possibly because many dislike unpleasant truths especially when it's about something that is often important in society and a measure of value/worth.

[ThaWholigan]

Then let's use the way LS female posters describe themselves. Everyone (save me, apparently) is "attractive" (beautiful), smart, accomplished, put-together, independent but feminine, etc. And the way girls describe themselves, they're all attractive in the same way.... small nose, nice teeth, good boobs, nice butt, small waist, etc.

 

I have YET to see anyone be like "Ooo man, girls missing teeth are the best!" "I love women with droopy boobs!" "Man, I love curves.... and by that I mean giant stomaches."

 

So, it DOES seem like there IS a narrow definition of what is beautiful. This has been confirmed over and over in studies. Why are people still denying this?

Because it's bollocks and insulting.

[BetheButterfly]

I've been pondering this question while reading two books I picked up, "Unnatural Selection" and "Challenging Casanova." The first book discusses the potential issues of a world is which men significantly outnumber women (resulting in men not having marriage opportunities, increasing sex trafficking, bride kidnapping, and overall violence) and the second book discusses how 75% of men would prefer a stable romantic relationship over being a "player."

 

Those books sound interesting. I'd like to read them.

 

 

Now I just want to be clear: I do think men want relationships. But from my personal experiences and what I've read, it seems like men want relationships with specific kind of women. In order to want a relationship, a man must be absolutely nuts about the woman, so she must be smart, independent (but not too career-oriented), "feminine" but not naggy/needy/clingy/too passive/other-negative-"feminine"-qualities, and above all, gorgeous.

 

Obviously there aren't enough women to fit this description, since those are some high standards, and most of us are, ya know, average.

 

So in the face of demand not meeting supply, it seems a lot of guys "go their own way" and just forego commitment/relationships in favor of either celibacy or casual sex with women who aren't "enough" to date.

 

Hmm. I think the issue depends on many factors. First of all, love+commitment in a relationship is a fairly modern idea. For a long time in history, many couples were the product of arranged marriages. In some parts of the world, that is still the case. I know one beautiful Muslim lady who sadly was in an arranged marriage where her husband left her and her 2 girls in the streets of the USA because he didn't love her. He loved someone else and abandoned his arranged marriage (which was done in Pakistan with this lovely lady from Pakistan) when he abandoned her, after bringing her to a country where she didn't even know the language very well.

 

Anyways, I think one of the issues is that for some men and women nowadays, love is not a factor they're interested in experiencing really. They're rather more interested in feeling "highs" and pleasure, as well as the "lovey-dovey" feeling. They don't realize that love is a verb. They don't understand that love includes sacrificing one's own desires for the wellbeing of the one he/she loves. Love also includes accepting that the loved one is not perfect, and deciding to be fine with that. Sad to say, many people do not know how to love. They just think love is a temporary feeling that they hope stays forever, without understanding that love is action and that love is also "alive"; love needs to be fed and nurtured and protected.

 

Some people, both men and women, put up a ton of obstacles in their path to experiencing true love with a person of the other gender. Some of those obstacles are unrealistic expectations, like thinking a person who truly loved them would never accidentally say the wrong thing. Some obstacles are demanding that their "loved" one be physically perfect, or emotionally scar-free. By building these obstacles, men and women are inhibiting themselves from finding and truly loving someone.

Here's my question: if a guy isn't nuts about a woman, why would he want a relationship? What is the appeal of commitment to guys?

 

The reasons my husband committed to me are the following:

 

1. He loves me. I love him. To us, that's the main and most important reason why we committed and stay committed to each other. Our being soulmates is included in our love.

2. He knows I desire commitment from him and that I desire to be committed to him. I am a person who is naturally monogamous. (Not all people are naturally monogamous.)

3. Thankfully, he is also naturally monogamous. For men and women who are not naturally monogamous, commitment to be monogamous and faithful to one person is more difficult and is a sacrifice in itself. (Long time ago and still in some places today, many men married more than one woman, especially if they were rich and could afford it. I personally think polygamy should be legal if the adults are willing, because of that. Just as lions have harems, I don't see why people can't have harems if all are willing and have no problem with that. Personally, I have learned to not "fall in love" with a man who is not naturally monogamous, because that would just hurt me, personally.)

4. He has accepted me as a valid member of his family (introducing me as "his" to his Dad and siblings) and I have introduced him as "mine" to my parents and siblings. Commitment in marriage for most people = becoming part of the family unit.

5. He wants to have children with me and raise a family with me. One thing that is interesting about many men is that they want to know that they are the biological father. Many men are not fond of adopting or caring for other men's kids, which is a topic that many women need to heed. Thankfully, there are some men who are fine with and are good Dads to other men's kids, but they are not the majority. My husband is the kind of man who wants to know without a doubt: these children are biologically mine." My faithfulness to him sexually helps with that security, which to many men, is of great value. Now, I am hoping that after we have kids, my husband and I will adopt kids who don't have parents who want them, because I think that kids who do not have loving parents deserve and need loving parents. My husband is a bit iffy about that, but we will see what happens. Anyways, most men like to know that they are the biological father of the children they help take care of and call their sons and daughters.

6. Territory. Many men are by nature territorial. My husband is. If I ever am unfaithful to him, he's not going to view me the same. Commitment, therefore, is a way for him to have more security in the fact that I'm not going to "put out" for other guys. I am his. The fact that I take that commitment seriously and honor my promise/vow to be faithful to him is priceless to him. It goes both ways, because I am also territorial, and his honoring his vow/promise to be faithful to me is priceless to me. Now, some girls and guys are not "territorial" but for those who are, this is a reason for committing to a relationship.

7. Shared goals - this is a very important reason. It's hard for people to walk together if both are going to walk separate ways. For example, if one person decides to fly to their destination, and another decides to drive, how can they travel together??? My husband and I have shared goals and purposes in life, which is one reason why we promised to travel together in this journey of life. We hope to "arrive" to old age together. Our commitment is merely the decision to journey life together.

 

 

Is sex the big deciding factor? If the majority of guys could get sex easily (prostitution was legalized, sex bots invented, what have you) would most guys forget marriage altogether?

 

I think more men would forget marriage. This is happening, actually. To me, it seems that more and more men don't seem to put much interest in true love, but rather in simply using women's bodies for sex. However, the men who value true love, being/having a soulmate with the opposite gender, want a secure and strong foundation for children and family, will continue to get married. They know the value. However, many men don't get the value, since they have become conditioned to seeing women as merely sexual objects that exist to satisfy their lusts.

 

I keep reading "Unnatural Selection" and thinking, yes, it's sad about the female fetuses being aborted,

 

I agree; it's very sad.

 

but is there really a larger impact on the world? Is it really that big a deal if a lot of men can't find women to marry?

 

The world is negatively impacted when love dies. When love grows, the world is positively affected. Love is not always found in commitment. Love+commitment is a "new thing", or was, that replaced arranged marriages and marriages/commitments for mere convenience/strengthen family ties. However, I personally believe that love+commitment positively affects the world. The issue is not if men can't find women to marry. Marriage isn't a magical state that makes people love each other. The issue, in my opinion, is what will happen if more and more men do not truly love women, and more and more women do not truly love men? What will happen when true love between a man and a woman becomes rare? How will that affect the world?

 

Love is powerful. It's one of the most powerful actions in the world. I like Michael Bolton's song, and believe it can be reversed for a woman who loves a man too:

 

Michael Bolton - When A Man Loves A Woman (lyrics) - YouTube

[GorillaTheater]

I like Michael Bolton's song, and believe it can be reversed for a woman who loves a man too:

 

Michael Bolton - When A Man Loves A Woman (lyrics) - YouTube

 

Beth, Beth, Beth. You're adorable, but have lousy taste in music. Try the Percy Sledge version:

 

Percy Sledge - When a Man Loves A Woman - YouTube

[BetheButterfly]

Beth, Beth, Beth. You're adorable, but have lousy taste in music. Try the Percy Sledge version:

 

Percy Sledge - When a Man Loves A Woman - YouTube

 

I like Michael Bolton's music... and hair.

 

Fine fine, Percy Sledge has an awesome version too. Thanks for sharing lol.

[Negative Nancy]

I highly doubt most guys want relationships as I don't see most male fantasies, paradises, envied lifestyles, and porn being about a relationship. It seems the envied lifestyle is a bachelorhood of f*cking an array of young attractive gals.

 

I don't doubt if the majority of guys could get sex easily that almost all guys would not be seeking a relationship.

 

Yes this is what we've been saying the whole time, but the truth cannot be repeated often enough.

[Lonely Ronin]

The only conclusions I have drawn from this thread is that a lot the women on it, have dated a lot of man babies, and a lot of the men agreeing with them, are man babies.

[Imported]

No, men want you to bake them a cake and give them a blow job. There are books you can read on that too other than the two very useless books you read that will just spiral you farther down into your depression.

[ThaWholigan]

The only conclusions I have drawn from this thread is that a lot the women on it, have dated a lot of man babies, and a lot of the men agreeing with them, are man babies.

Agreed. I've also drawn the conclusion that I'm glad I'm not a bitter human being .

[Ruby Slippers]

she must be smart, independent (but not too career-oriented), "feminine" but not naggy/needy/clingy/too passive/other-negative-"feminine"-qualities, and above all, gorgeous.

I'm smart, independent and career-minded, feminine but not the girliest girl, pretty demanding and somewhat clingy, and cute and sexy but not gorgeous.

 

I'm with a guy who is desirable to many women, has lots of options, and has communicated with words and actions many times that he wants a long-term relationship with one woman. He could easily find someone more feminine, less demanding, and prettier. But he takes me as the whole package, not just a checklist of features.

 

Like me, this man wants marriage, kids, and the whole enchilada, and we're talking about that stuff now.

 

He's never slept around. Even when he just started dating and having sex, he always saw one person at a time. He could see a dozen women at a time, but finds that risky and distasteful.

[udolipixie]

Yes this is what we've been saying the whole time, but the truth cannot be repeated often enough.

 

It's a toss up on if it's the truth.

 

I highly doubt it isn't.

[Negative Nancy]

The funny part is if we do make a thread about women you will come in like always and hijack it and talk about the horrible thigns men do

 

Youre a godamn broken record,stay out of the dating pool so you dont ruin anyone else

 

Leave her alone, it's not her problem if your cognitive (dis-)abilities don't allow you to grasp her truthful, eloquent and intelligent postings.

[Imported]

I doubt there is any appeal of commitment to guys when it's often referred to as the ball and chain and envisioned as some ungodly trap.

 

I highly doubt most guys want relationships as I don't see most male fantasies, paradises, envied lifestyles, and porn being about a relationship. It seems the envied lifestyle is a bachelorhood of f*cking an array of young attractive gals.

 

I don't doubt if the majority of guys could get sex easily that almost all guys would not be seeking a relationship.

 

Most likely guys want relationships if they are incapable of getting a steady supply of no strings sex or they want a relationship with a specific type of gal. That specific type of gal being a young attractive gal who is feminine aka subservient, submissive, and placates and panders to his ego.

 

In my opinion it's not a big deal to guys if a lot of guys can't find a gal to marry rather it's a big deal to guys if a lot of guys can't find a gal to f*ck.

 

Sometimes I have dreams where I think I am married or in a really good relation or it's just one girl, I don't even know what girl and I am just really really really happy. Like overcome with joy. I don't ever have details really, just an overall sense of happiness and it's because I am with that one person. And then I wake up and I'm like.....oh.

 

I don't know why you have such a low opinion of men. I think most men, weather they can get sex easily or not realize the physical release you get out of sex does not really measure up to being truly happy with one girl.

 

I was at the airport the other day and saw a couple. The guy was just looking ahead, but the girl could not take her eyes off him, was constantly rubbing his head and just trying to be near him. He was nothing special to look at, didn't seem rich or anything and she wasn't really unusually attractive either, but I was kinda jealous.

[verhrzn]

Because it's bollocks and insulting.

 

Why is it insulting to say men want to date smart, gorgeous, independent, accomplished women??

[Emilia]

I thought I'd give this a thread a twirl 24 hours later: I had thought V you said this wasn't going to be about you? Is there anything ever that isn't about you? What are you hoping to achieve on LS when you clearly need professional help? I don't really understand what you are hoping for - apart from spreading negativity and twisted perceptions to make yourself feel better.

[Lonely Ronin]

I don't know why you have such a low opinion of men. I think most men, weather they can get sex easily or not realize the physical release you get out of sex does not really measure up to being truly happy with one girl.

 

I agree with this.

[Imajerk17]

Wow, 250 posts on here and counting. I'm not going to read all of them.

 

Meanwhile, men want to commit to women who like themselves and who don't think poorly of men. Not every man will want to commit to every such woman, but such a woman will be able to find someone. The proof is out there--a lot of average-looking women (even worse-looking than you, for whatever that means) have rings on their fingers.

[Emilia]

I was at the airport the other day and saw a couple. The guy was just looking ahead, but the girl could not take her eyes off him, was constantly rubbing his head and just trying to be near him. He was nothing special to look at, didn't seem rich or anything and she wasn't really unusually attractive either, but I was kinda jealous.

 

Everyone wants love but not everyone knows how to go about it

[ThaWholigan]

Sometimes I have dreams where I think I am married or in a really good relation or it's just one girl, I don't even know what girl and I am just really really really happy. Like overcome with joy. I don't ever have details really, just an overall sense of happiness and it's because I am with that one person. And then I wake up and I'm like.....oh.

 

I don't know why you have such a low opinion of men. I think most men, weather they can get sex easily or not realize the physical release you get out of sex does not really measure up to being truly happy with one girl.

 

I was at the airport the other day and saw a couple. The guy was just looking ahead, but the girl could not take her eyes off him, was constantly rubbing his head and just trying to be near him. He was nothing special to look at, didn't seem rich or anything and she wasn't really unusually attractive either, but I was kinda jealous.

I know what you mean, I don't really get jealous though. Seeing couples makes me happy, it's something I look forward to. I even think I'm cut out to deal with the fights and other stuff that couples have to go through but I think it would be worth it. Don't see the point in just f*cking my way around all the 9s and 10s in London - I actually think that would get boring. I would much prefer a wife and family.

 

I've had dreams like that, the other day I had a dream I had kids! It made me think about being a father even. I had a good think about things that day and I knew that having a relationship like that and having kids was far more attractive to me.