How do I tell him I want a separation? I am not sure how he will react.

[justdone]

hello, i just found this website and decided to ask for help. I have been married for a little over a year and have had serdoubts three months after our wedding. Two months before our wedding, my husband told me he had an appt to file bankruptcy the next day - i had no clue that he had not paid a car payment or insurance in 4-5 months. (We lived together, but had separate checking accounts and only split rent/utilities.) He had also not paid for our honeymoon, which was his only responsibilty. We got married and my rose colored glasses fell off and got smashed into bits.

 

I just accepted the natural course after being together would be marriage and I have wanted a family for several years. I completely accept responsibility for going through with it when I had doubts. I do not want anyone's pity.

 

My problem is that I believe he truly loves me in his own way. He works for his dad and his full time job, which means he is at work 14 hours during the week and 9 on Sundays. But he hangs out with his friends, on his days/ hours off and sleeps all day Saturday. He does not help out around the house. For social stuff, either it is his choice or nothing.

 

He tells me to my face that I am bad luck to him so i cannot play with him doing anything he and i do. (darts, poker, bowling, etc. ) We used to do that stuff together. we have to be on opposite sides of the room now.

 

last night was my final straw. he had informed me two days before that we would be hosting a party at our place. his friend brings her sister and her boyfriend to our house who brought two friends with them. I have never taken drugs in my life and have avoided people who do. these people brought pot and were doing it in thier car and coming back inside. some may say that pot is not a bad drug, and maybe not, but i believe i should be able to keep my household drug free from drugs and people high on drugs. i had gone into another room to avoid the situation and my husband followed me and said that's stupid and told me to get over it in front of everyone. (I had planned to talk with him later about this situation) i told him those are my feelings on the subject and to stop making a scene in front of our guests, since we had acquired an audience.

 

I ignored him and walked away. He grabbed me several times and I finally got away. I believed he punched a hole in the wall, because he couldn't hit me. His expression scared me. no one seemed to find this unusual and the party kept on. I went to bed.

 

I have an image in my mind about what a marriage should be. Sharing interests, hanging out together, being together at a party. he seems to prefer his friends over me, does not want to do things with me, and others have told me that they believe he belittles me, which tells me i am not imagining all of this.

 

I have been going through therapy and she has suggested we go to a marriage counselor. He does not want to. I am so done with him and his behavior that I am not even sure i want it to work anymore. i always believed marriage was forever, but now divorce seems the only option.

[justdone]

Sorry my narrative is so long.

[angelgurl]

Well I'd say with the sounds of some of his behaviours he is emotionally abusive, and you are suffering from low self esteem. Bravo on the therapy, and honey the fact he won't go shows you truly how much he respects you.

 

Unfortunately the writing was on the wall before the I do's were exchanged. If he is not willing to go for help and deal with this failing marriage I truly say at this point divorce isn't a four letter word. It a very reasonable decision.

 

Word of caution, at the time divorce does seem the easy route and effort seems tireless, make sure your have exercised all your options before you close the door.

 

But if a man ever hits you honey, I say let the door hit him in the ass when you kick him out.

 

Good luck with everything.

[overseas2004]

I would really becareful about telling him about the seperation and/or divorce. He may try to hit you or even worse. If I were you I would pack up and leave and leave him a note. I am not a person who is a coward usually about these things nor do I advocate it, but I wouldn't want to see you hurt.

 

Regards,

 

Overseas2004

 

PS if you have too many things for just leaving unnoticed you can always opt for filing a petition to have your things removed with the presence of a sherrif.

[havNfun]

well it sounds like you both have some significant things to work through.

 

I am glad he never actually hit you and hope he never does.

 

I would urge you to make every attempt to fix, or better, the relationship before getting out.

 

I am on your side in that it sounds like his behavior has not been the easiest to deal with.

 

It does concern me a bit though, just to be fare,

that you were/are so hard on him about the financial stuff.

Some of the richest, and most brilliant men in the world

have failed and/or went bankrupt at some point - many several times.

It sounds like he might have a family business which is always a challenge.

I just am throwing this out because I know if I got married

and had some financial hardships and my wife

treated me with resentment or looked down on me for it,

I might exhibit some similar behavior as he.

 

good luck,

hang in there,

and try to stay loving and caring.

hugs

[justdone]

Thank you to everyone who replied.

 

I did not mean to imply that he would hit me, he would never do that. Also, my husband makes over $45,000/ yr working for a large company. The reason he told me he ..did not pay for his car and insurance was because he said he didn't feel like it. We did talk and I mentioned my thoughts of leaving. He refused to go to therapy, but the next day said he would. We also spoke about my needs and his. Hopefully, we can work this through.

[justdone]

I wanted to thank the people who responded to my post. Ever since I brought up divorce to him a week ago, he has been a lot better. I think it made him realize something was truly wrong. One of the things he said to me a week ago was that "We can't be at this point yet - we don't have any problems." Now that he and I have actually talked about our relationship, we have a map to move forward. He realized if one person is at that breaking point, there are problems. Anyways, good luck to everyone out there. I would also like to give others a piece of advice. Make sure the lines of communication stay open. I was very close mouthed about certain things that were bothering me in order to avoid an agreement. If you don't speak up, they can't know what you need. Guys need things in black and white and can't read our analytical minds. : )

 

I am not saying everything is perfect, but we have agreed to work at our relationship and make each other a priority.

 

Thank you.

[Scott S]

Hi!

 

Just joined, sounding in a bit late. Nice to meet everyone.

 

"I wanted to thank the people who responded to my post. Ever since I brought up divorce to him a week ago, he has been a lot better. I think it made him realize something was truly wrong. One of the things he said to me a week ago was that 'We can't be at this point yet - we don't have any problems.' Now that he and I have actually talked about our relationship, we have a map to move forward. He realized if one person is at that breaking point, there are problems."

 

Sounds like the wake-up call you were hoping for. Sort of like smacking the mule with a split-rail. You know, "first, you gotta get its attention."

 

 

"If you don't speak up, they can't know what you need. Guys need things in black and white and can't read our analytical minds. : ) "

 

I don't know anyone who is a mind-reader. If an issue isn't communicated, the assumption is that it isn't important. My ex had "hoped that I could take a hint" after it was too late, & she & her new man were packing up & loading her household goods. It must not have been as important as she thought it was.

 

 

"I am not saying everything is perfect, but we have agreed to work at our relationship and make each other a priority. "

 

You've taken a bigger step than you may think! Good luck & God bless the both of you!