Dear Cheaters,...

[ReadMyThread]

Okay I wont judge you if have ever done it before but WHY do people cheat on their girlfriend/boyfriend? Seriously?

 

People say because they "aren't happy". Why wouldn't they address these issues and work on them before doing something so disrespectful to ruin someone?

 

If you had ever cheated on someone I would really like to know what made you do so and what you were feeling you would get out of it? Have you ever regretted it TRULY!? Or did you know you wouldn't regret it since you cheated on that person that therefore you would never regret it because it obvisouly wasn't what you wanted?

 

What makes a person cheat ? Is it something wrong with us or the cheater!? Are the ones who get cheated on have something wrong with them they need to fix in order to not get cheated on? I don't get it.

 

Is it immaturity?

 

I'm lost.

[bluefairy812]

they are selfish, manipulative, lost, immature, cowards with no soul.

 

they are the problem (cheaters) not the other person. they are too stupid to see whats good infront of them and chose the easy way out - to hurt someone who wouldnt hurt them.

[CptSaveAho]

they are the problem (cheaters) not the other person.

 

Ding.... cheating is not a reflection of you or your self worth. It has nothing to do with you... and 100% to do with them

[LostOne1]

Also I should add ANGER plays a role.

 

When someone is pissed off as hell, they DON'T think straight and do stupid things.

 

My ex had anger issues, when she got mad.. she did crazy things. Which is why sometimes I had to lie, because lying seemed easier to handle than her anger.

 

And once again her anger didn't allow her to sit down and talk properly. She "assumed" I was ignoring her when I wasn't and well her anger took the best of her.

[ReadMyThread]

they are selfish, manipulative, lost, immature, cowards with no soul.

 

they are the problem (cheaters) not the other person. they are too stupid to see whats good infront of them and chose the easy way out - to hurt someone who wouldnt hurt them.

 

That last sentence hurt alittle lol. Well it's wierd that me being the one got cheated on and I'M the lost one lol. Will reality ever hit this cheater? Will she ever grow up? Lol. Sheesh

[ReadMyThread]

Ding.... cheating is not a reflection of you or your self worth. It has nothing to do with you... and 100% to do with them

 

Well what is it about herself that she can't get? I'm so lost. What's wrong with her that made her want to do something like this? Must be the immaturity and the selfishness right?

[ReadMyThread]

Also I should add ANGER plays a role.

 

When someone is pissed off as hell, they DON'T think straight and do stupid things.

 

My ex had anger issues, when she got mad.. she did crazy things. Which is why sometimes I had to lie, because lying seemed easier to handle than her anger.

 

And once again her anger didn't allow her to sit down and talk properly. She "assumed" I was ignoring her when I wasn't and well her anger took the best of her.

 

I'm sorry to hear that man. How long ago did she do this to you? Has she bet reached out since then of any sort?

[LostOne1]

I'm sorry to hear that man. How long ago did she do this to you? Has she bet reached out since then of any sort?

well in Aug she broke up with me on Windows Live Messenger.

 

Then I chased her and we talked and she was always being nice. But part of me made me feel like someone else was in the picture. Which is why she NEVER talked to me when she was home. She only talked to me when she was out or after work.

 

Then she got back into town and I don't know if it was anger or if she meant it, but she told me the truth was she was seeing someone else. I said is it the guy who was sharing a room in the house you rented for the month. And she went off saying how she will marry next yr and did him and all this stuff.

 

THen later at some point she told me she said it out of anger and that how dare I believe she could sink so low. And that she did it cause she wanted me to leave her alone and move on with my life. I know she used to tell me earlier he is a friend, but the guy always cooked dinner everynight for her, took her on drives. BTW this is in a large house, which has been rented to 4 people all of them getting their own rooms.

 

I don't know why I chased after her. If a girl can come out and say she is seeing someone else out of anger or not... why fight for her anymore.

 

She never said sorry either about it. She said she doesn't need to say sorry, because in the relationship she always was the 1st to say sorry.

 

So did she fully cheat on me? No idea, because I have no valid proof neither do I have any proof to unvalidate her cheating on me.

 

Everything I ever found out basically cancelled itself out with something of the opposite. My heart tells me she didn't cheat on me. She was pissed that I lost communication with her while she was on this work trip and she REALLY needed to talk and vent about things. But when I did call she never vented and I guess this other guy was her replacement for me to use as support. But maybe they stayed as friends and she was just upset with me.

 

The only thing that makes me believe she did cheat is that she defended him a lot and talked about him a lot of the times and how asked her sexual questions or would do funny things that made her laugh etc..

 

Ironic because when she 1st met the guy.. she hated him I remember her saying he was creepy and all. Then she becomes bestes of friends with him. In fact she told me when she BU with me that he told her he likes her. Then she sounded confused or frustrated or mad.

 

So truth is as of now.. I don;t know what went on. But I feel like she might be with him now. She needs support from someone and she has no friends. So she probably will use him as support. In some ways its partly my fault too. If I kept more contact we would be talking now. I kinda gave away my ex to this guy on a gold platter.

 

She only reached out once, when I told her I was gonna sell the stuff she gave me like a bracelet I really liked she got on my bday. After that she chased after me for 3-4 days straight. She finally said she wants to work it out. So I said okay we need to meet up. She said she needed some time so she is emotionally and mentally ready to see me. She said maybe on the weekend. The weekend came and no reply.. so i msg her and she made excuses and then I asked her and she said she changed her mind and doesn't want this anymore and that she isn't ready to see me.

Edited November 28, 2012 by LostOne1

[ReadMyThread]

well in Aug she broke up with me on Windows Live Messenger.

 

Then I chased her and we talked and she was always being nice. But part of me made me feel like someone else was in the picture. Which is why she NEVER talked to me when she was home. She only talked to me when she was out or after work.

 

Then she got back into town and I don't know if it was anger or if she meant it, but she told me the truth was she was seeing someone else. I said is it the guy who was sharing a room in the house you rented for the month. And she went off saying how she will marry next yr and did him and all this stuff.

 

THen later at some point she told me she said it out of anger and that how dare I believe she could sink so low. And that she did it cause she wanted me to leave her alone and move on with my life. I know she used to tell me earlier he is a friend, but the guy always cooked dinner everynight for her, took her on drives. BTW this is in a large house, which has been rented to 4 people all of them getting their own rooms.

 

I don't know why I chased after her. If a girl can come out and say she is seeing someone else out of anger or not... why fight for her anymore.

 

She never said sorry either about it. She said she doesn't need to say sorry, because in the relationship she always was the 1st to say sorry.

 

So did she fully cheat on me? No idea, because I have no valid proof neither do I have any proof to unvalidate her cheating on me.

 

Everything I ever found out basically cancelled itself out with something of the opposite. My heart tells me she didn't cheat on me. She was pissed that I lost communication with her while she was on this work trip and she REALLY needed to talk and vent about things. But when I did call she never vented and I guess this other guy was her replacement for me to use as support. But maybe they stayed as friends and she was just upset with me.

 

The only thing that makes me believe she did cheat is that she defended him a lot and talked about him a lot of the times and how asked her sexual questions or would do funny things that made her laugh etc..

 

Ironic because when she 1st met the guy.. she hated him I remember her saying he was creepy and all. Then she becomes bestes of friends with him. In fact she told me when she BU with me that he told her he likes her. Then she sounded confused or frustrated or mad.

 

So truth is as of now.. I don;t know what went on. But I feel like she might be with him now. She needs support from someone and she has no friends. So she probably will use him as support. In some ways its partly my fault too. If I kept more contact we would be talking now. I kinda gave away my ex to this guy on a gold platter.

 

She only reached out once, when I told her I was gonna sell the stuff she gave me like a bracelet I really liked she got on my bday. After that she chased after me for 3-4 days straight. She finally said she wants to work it out. So I said okay we need to meet up. She said she needed some time so she is emotionally and mentally ready to see me. She said maybe on the weekend. The weekend came and no reply.. so i msg her and she made excuses and then I asked her and she said she changed her mind and doesn't want this anymore and that she isn't ready to see me.

 

Woooooow. That isn't even right for her to say she wanted to meet up and ten change her damn mind. Wow. That's terrible. I would have seriously flipped if that were to happen to me. Sheesh. I'm sure her plan was to leave you for him. They always make sure they had another guy before they end it with us. Always. God I hate'em. Can't trust'em. Reading your story makes me seriously want to go get my shoes on, drive to my ex's house, and take her for her last car ride lol. Man.

[movingon12]

I'll get blasted for this, but oh well:

 

If they're cheating, then the relationship isn't working.

 

And you can blame them, and say they are terrible, manipulative, awful people, and ask why didn't they work at it etc etc. But I would bet, in the majority of cases they probably did try to work at it. For a while. And you didn't notice, because you didn't notice there was a problem.

 

I was cheated on, it was horrible, but I'm not naive enough to think that this was entirely 1 sided. People who are in a happy relationship don't cheat. The fact that you *you* think it was happy is disproved by the fact that they cheated. You need to accept that even if the relationship was working for *you* doesn't mean it was working for *them*.

 

I've never cheated, but I think it comes down to 'I love my partner, but something's missing, I need more (love/intimacy/excitement/whatever) This relationship is 90% there, but that missing 10% is really starting to get to me. So do I break up with them, lose the 90% that is good and make them miserable, or try to get that 10% from someone else and hope my partner doesn't find out and get hurt?'.

 

The reason they cheat, instead of just dumping you, is (often) because they don't want to break up and they don't want to hurt you. That's why they hide it, rather than calling up to say 'hey honey, don't wait up, I'll be picking up girls in a bar all night'. Normally when someone cheats it's the betrayed person who breaks it off -not the cheater.

 

Would it be kinder to break up instead of cheat? Maybe, but is 'lets break up: I want to date other people instead of you' really that much better than 'I've been dating other people'? I don't think there's that much in it. Yeah the lying is bad, but that's not what people get upset about, it's the fact that they've been rejected.

 

Yes, there are some people who are just selfish - but generally these people don't cheat, they just tell you they love you, get what they want then dump you. It's easier than having the hassle of keeping secrets.

 

I'll say it again: I was cheated on. I never want to go through that experience again. I was heartbroken and distraught. But it doesn't change the fact that generally people don't cheat if they're happy in their relationship.

[coltsfan1]

I'm not scared to admit I have cheated in my younger years. Call it gigs or whatever for me it was about my priorities!!! I thought sleeping around would make me a man, the more girls I had on a string the cooler I was. Partying, having lost of "friends", making/spending money, just living fast was what was important to me. MY priorities were WAY off....

 

At 30+ I couldn't be further from those days. I lost two really great girls to party and have TOTALLY meaningless sex. Was it fun, sure it was. BUT it was NOT worth it, I realize that now. I grew and matured past those days. I regret hurting the women I knew then and hurting myself. See the truth is I hurt myself as much as I did the women I knew then. I wasted years of my life on things that I repeated no benefit from, I lost two women that were truly marriage material, and I created a reputation that it took years for me to live down.

 

Cheaters pay a price too. It isn't always what the cheated on hope for. But there are always consequences to each and ever action, some good and some bad. Hence why its called karma.

[Medley]

I've been on both sides... Sort of...

 

I was in a 5yr long relationship. I loved him a lot and he meant the world to me at least for the first 4 years. The last year we drifted apart. He spent more and more time outside of home with another couple, smoked pot from the moment he woke up to the moment he fell asleep and pretty much ignored me. We tried talking about our issues many times but in the end neither of us was willing to change our ways. He did not want to break up and I didn't have the heart to end things. I didn't hate him, but, wasn't in love anymore. The thing is, neither was he. We were comfortable. I met a man at work who after a while of getting to know him I had a bit of a crush. Nothing serious just liked him. We never did anything together outside of work and I never expressed how I felt. Only because I would never do that to my bf. However going home every day thereafter just to have him walk out the second I got home... It made me realize that I deserved to be happy and so did he. Neither of us was happy and I was sick of trying, unsuccessfully, to try and fix things. I ended things with him.

 

Hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and though I didn't actually cheat on him I still to this day feel a great amount of guilt for how I dealt with the situation. I soon after did make a move with co worker and began seeing him casually. The ex and I have not spoken once since we ended things. I know he heard through the grapevine I was seeing someone else and I can only imagine the pain that would have caused. I was young, stupid and didn't think about his feelings after the breakup. I had checked out months before we ended, months before I even met the other guy.

 

I of course have been cheated on and it was the worst feeling in the world. To know that he was going to a hotel to screw that filthy skank and then coming home and slipping into bed beside me. I couldn't shower enough when I found out.

[Viper1]

I'm guessing your deifinition of cheating is too narrow and one sided.

 

You see " a cheater" as someone who, while in a relationship with you--if it is understood and accepted from the start that you and the girl will only be physically intimate with each other--is physically intimate with another.

 

I might also suggest that unless someone "cheats" on you and his or her infidelity does not result in catasprophic, irreparable financial or professional losses, nobody can "ruin" you by cheating.

 

Even when a girl, let's say, cheats on a guy, there are ways a guy can cheat on a woman without even touching another woman:

 

He can lead her to believe the relationship is going to escalate to an engagement or possibly marriage when he has no such intention.

 

He can say "I love you" when what he really means and knows it that what he is saying "I want you" or "I need you".

 

He can fantacize being with someone else while he is having sex with her.

 

He can lie to her is a hundred different ways.

 

He can feign friendship when what he really wants is just sex.

 

Infidelity is almost always fatal to a marriage but while it hurts outside the bounds of marriage, perhaps just as much, it is not ruinous and has as many causes as there are different people.

 

I find it empowering to believe that if I have been involved with someone who has cheated, one or two things probaly happened: I couldn't give her what she needed--whatever that was--and didn't realize that early on or as "movingon" suggested, the signs were missed or perceived but trivialized or ignored.

Edited November 28, 2012 by Viper1

[Tree_Salmon]

Okay I wont judge you if have ever done it before but WHY do people cheat on their girlfriend/boyfriend? Seriously?

 

People say because they "aren't happy". Why wouldn't they address these issues and work on them before doing something so disrespectful to ruin someone?

 

If you had ever cheated on someone I would really like to know what made you do so and what you were feeling you would get out of it? Have you ever regretted it TRULY!? Or did you know you wouldn't regret it since you cheated on that person that therefore you would never regret it because it obvisouly wasn't what you wanted?

 

What makes a person cheat ? Is it something wrong with us or the cheater!? Are the ones who get cheated on have something wrong with them they need to fix in order to not get cheated on? I don't get it.

 

Is it immaturity?

 

I'm lost.

 

No matter how bad my relationship got I still never cheated in the course of 6 years.

 

I had some of the hottest, sexiest women throw themselves at me in those 6 years and I pushed them all away.

 

It comes down to self worth. Cheaters have none. Insecurity.

[movingon12]

I find it empowering to believe that if I have been involved with someone who has cheated, one or two things probaly happened: I couldn't give her what she needed--whatever that was--and didn't realize that early on or as "movingon" suggested, the signs were missed or perceived but trivialized or ignored.

 

...and it's when you believe this, and understand what it is that you couldn't give or that you missed, *that* is when you start to move on.

 

It's either something they needed but you didn't (they wanted excitement and adventure : you wanted security and familiarity) - in which case it's nobody's fault, it just wasn't a good match. Learn from it, move on, and don't make the same mistake again.

 

Or it's something they needed and you should have been giving but weren't (you got too comfortable, stopped making an effort) - in which case, again, you learn from it and don't make the same mistake again.

 

Either way - if you sit there assuming that you are 100% the innocent victim in all this, and believing that the other person transformed over night from the wonderful, person-I'm-going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with, to a evil, dishonest demon creature, you'll go crazy, you'll never learn from it, you'll never really move on, you'll stay bitter and your future relationships will be just as messed up as the last one.

 

Just my 2c

[KatZee]

 

If they're cheating, then the relationship isn't working.

 

And you can blame them, and say they are terrible, manipulative, awful people, and ask why didn't they work at it etc etc. But I would bet, in the majority of cases they probably did try to work at it. For a while. And you didn't notice, because you didn't notice there was a problem.

 

I have to disagree with this on a certain level. I'm sure there are situations in which this happens, but if someone is trying to work at the relationship, and the other person is completely unresponsive... END THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

What the hell is the point of cheating? There is none. Not at all. Obviously that person is unhappy, efforts are futile, so why bother even stay in that relationship if you're not getting anything from it?

 

Cheating is NOT excusable in the least.

 

And in my case, there WERE no signs. We literally had NO PROBLEMS (to me). My ex was an EXPERT LIAR and an EXPERT manipulator. He cheated on me 4 months into our relationship. In those 4 months I had met his entire family, he was boasting to everyone about me, he would ask me to hang out every single day, we went on a great vacation to the Bahamas and then had a romantic New Year's in Atlantic City. He was always affectionate with me. Loving. Would look at me with these puppy eyes so in love. Told me he loved me for the first time on December 25th of 09'. Saying he had never been happier in his life. That I was so much better than his ex, that he never loved his ex the way he loved me, that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. He saw a future with me, I was so great, and blah blah blah.

 

Two weeks after he told me he loved me for the first time, he was out f.ucking his ex. Are you kidding me?

 

I stand by the first post at the top saying the problem is HIM. That he's a coward, a liar, a manipulator and a lost little person. He's disgusting to me.

[JamesM]

Cheaters are ordinary people who have made a mistake.

 

 

EVERYONE here on this thread is not really any different. And everyone can be a cheater.

 

Yes, you can. In fact, if you emphatically believe that you will not, then I think you may even be more susceptible;e than the person who admits to himself that he is capable of doing.

 

 

I am capable and because of it, I will put up boundaries to prevent it.

 

Cheaters cheat for many reasons including those listed above. It is not simply out of selfishness. It can be out of anger or frustration. It can be out of hopelessness and resentment. Or it can be out of curiosity.

 

But anyone put in a situation that doesn't seem to have an out can cheat. And anyone who allows himself to be tempted can fall.

 

While it is okay to ask why, expect many different answers. It is not usually about the person betrayed, but it could be about the environment that was created between the two people.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, but it may be wise to get counseling. Move on and learn but don't feel guilty.

 

We all get put into positions that can lead to cheating. How we react and what we do to prevent it will determine if we fall.

 

I don't believe that their is a certain character that is more prone to cheating.

[KatZee]

Cheaters are ordinary people who have made a mistake.

 

Cheating is not a mistake. It's a choice.

 

EVERYONE here on this thread is not really any different. And everyone can be a cheater.

 

Speak for yourself.

 

Yes, you can. In fact, if you emphatically believe that you will not, then I think you may even be more susceptible;e than the person who admits to himself that he is capable of doing.

 

Continue speaking for yourself. I'm pushing 30 and have never cheated on a person. That is the lowest, most despicable, most disrespectful and cowardly thing a person can do to another. I'm capable of feeling empathy for people. I've been cheated on and I know how bad it feels. There is no way in hell I could EVER live with myself knowing I caused that pain to someone else.

 

I don't believe that their is a certain character that is more prone to cheating.

 

Wow. You should read some books on human psychology. There ABSOLUTELY is a type of person and character that is more prone to cheating. They're called sociopaths. Narcissists. Those with Borderline personality disorder.

[movingon12]

I have to disagree with this on a certain level. I'm sure there are situations in which this happens, but if someone is trying to work at the relationship, and the other person is completely unresponsive... END THE RELATIONSHIP.]

 

What the hell is the point of cheating? There is none. Not at all. Obviously that person is unhappy, efforts are futile, so why bother even stay in that relationship if you're not getting anything from it?

 

But they are getting something from it. They might be getting a lot from it. They just aren't getting enough from it.

 

And in my case, there WERE no signs. We literally had NO PROBLEMS (to me). My ex.......

 

Two weeks after he told me he loved me for the first time, he was out f.ucking his ex. Are you kidding me?

 

Which means something wasn't right to him. Probably he had never really gotten over his ex, and when she asked him to come back to her, he jumped. There was something that he got from her that he didn't get from you. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be mean. He obviously liked/loved you, or else he wouldn't have said and done the things he did: holidays abroad, introducing you to his family etc etc. But something was missing from his relationship with you that he could get from his ex. Even if it was just familiarity/shared history whatever. It sounds like he really liked you. And her. And he wanted both.

 

Should he have chosen her over you and broken up with you straight away to go back to her? Maybe.

 

Would that have made you feel happier than him wanting both of you at the same time? Maybe, I don't know.

 

All cheaters naively think that they won't get caught and no one will get hurt. They're not doing it to hurt people. They're doing it to avoid hurting people.The problem is, they do get caught, and people do get hurt: but that's not why the do it.

 

My ex cheated and he isn't a sociopath, a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder - he was just a guy in a marriage that was going through a rough patch.

Edited November 28, 2012 by movingon12

[KatZee]

He wasn't over his ex, no matter what he tried to tell himself or me. He hadn't seen the girl in about 6 months when he cheated on me. And when he finally came clean about it he said that after not seeing her for those 6 months and then catching up, "feelings came flooding back." So clearly he tried to kid himself into thinking he was over her.

 

Would he have gone back to her? No. Absolutely not. It was after he cheated that he was like "what the hell did I just do, how could I do that to someone I love?" and apparently he realized why it was that he dumped her. She was asking the whole time, "are you going to dump your gf? I want to be with you but I won't compete with her." And he told her no.

 

Also, I didn't say you HAD to be a sociopath, a narcissist or someone with BPD, I said those are the types of people MOST likely to cheat.

[Samms22]

Viper, first off I want to say that you're brilliant. The 9 posts you've made have helped me an astonishing amount. Thank you.

 

My point of view on this is that cheaters have no self-respect, no self-esteem and that they will take it wherever they can get it (attention wise). In my situation, my girlfriend and I had just moved out together, which was a big leap commitment-wise. She was a very clingy, needy, low-self esteem person and I had constantly tried to uplift her, although I wasn't the perfect boyfriend. Sometimes I made her jealous. But she DID have a history of cheating and made excuses for it, and I made excuses for her too since I loved her and was always on her side.

 

About 2 weeks after we moved in together, I found out that she "liked" another guy which turned into pecked on the lips which turned into full on made out which turned into SPENT THE NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE. It was a nasty break up... even though she cheated, my ego had taken a hit... - I begged, pleaded, and then said hurtful and mean things I didn't mean when it didn't work out. I did it all wrong, and I'm learning from it, however...

 

I fully believe that cheaters have a pathology, whether or not it's because they're young or immature or whatever, that prevents them from being honest and upfront. My ex lied to me every step of the way, and even before this occurred, she was secretly beginning to go hang with this guy at the gym. I caught her once and didn't think much of it: I asked her how she would feel if I secretly when to go hang out with girls. We were always open, I thought.

 

I maintained an "aloofness" in the relationship that always made her interested in me, and I don't think she lost physical attraction for me. I wasn't gushing love towards her every second and I wasn't 100% aloof... it was a good balance. Even if I was 100% lovey dovey, she would have cheated, hell even if I was James Bond she would have. ANY positive attention she got from any guy fed her LSE.

 

In the end, people need to be careful and pick their partners based on past behavior. Yes, people can mature and change, but you're taking a risk dating someone who has cheated before. Whether or not the cheater is unhappy with their relationship, they need to be honest and try to fix it or just break-up with the person. That's also another pathology I think of cheaters in general: They don't talk about their issues or problems, internalize everything and then "explode" with the cheating. It was the case with my ex.

.

My 2cents.

[KatZee]

Whether or not the cheater is unhappy with their relationship, they need to be honest and try to fix it or just break-up with the person. That's also another pathology I think of cheaters in general: They don't talk about their issues or problems, internalize everything and then "explode" with the cheating. It was the case with my ex.

 

Exactly. Same case with mine. Everything was wonderful on the outside, on the inside he was this type of person. Never communicated. Always even said to me, "I internalize everything that's how I am." And this is why I was always blindsided every time there was an issue.

 

He'd wait weeks, months, and then EXPLODE and just verbally s.hit all over me just tearing me down. He never tried to fix or help anything. He never saw that it was HIS actions causing me to feel certain ways. He never adjusted his own behavior. It was always me. Always someone else's fault. Never his.

 

I truly believe my ex is a narcissist. He ticks every single box.

[na49]

Loving this thread as someone who was cheated on. I found it to be the case in my situation that I was cheated on, my girlfriend broke up with me before I could find out. Then I later found out and went crazy. After taking time, I can say that I wasn't the perfect boyfriend or anything like that and maybe I got too comfortable.

 

It's also frustrating to hear "i love you, never leave me, i'll never leave you, you're mine, etc." from someone who you later found out cheated on you. Doing this to me is "leading me on" which I don't like, and it makes me feel worse. If she thought it wasn't working, she should have ended it before doing what she did. We both had trouble communicating our problems anyway, she didn't like criticism and I was way too nice, but I should have seen the signs. She had a lot of male friends who she talked highly of in front of me. She'd even go off to give them a hug while she was with me. In an attempt to not seem "controlling" I allowed her to do all of this, whereas she had me on a leash and if I ever talked about a girl she immediately would get very jealous and not talk to me. A lot of things I know now that I didn't see then, but I will be much better off because I am learning from this. To say I'm not the victim doesn't seem right to me though. I'm the one who got hurt in the end, while she got away unharmed.

[JamesM]

Cheating is not a mistake. It's a choice.

 

Lots of choices in life are mistakes. That doesn't make them less of a mistake. I can make a choice to cross the street and get killed by a car. I can make a choice to light a cigarette and get cancer. Both are choices with bad consequences.

 

Speak for yourself.

 

Oh, I do. And I speak for the many people who I have encountered that speak as you do. They never thought they would and they did. I know my weaknesses and believe I could. Knowing that, I do everything within my power to prevent having an affair...such as not going out alone to lunch with a female other than my wife.

 

Continue speaking for yourself. I'm pushing 30 and have never cheated on a person. That is the lowest, most despicable, most disrespectful and cowardly thing a person can do to another. I'm capable of feeling empathy for people. I've been cheated on and I know how bad it feels. There is no way in hell I could EVER live with myself knowing I caused that pain to someone else.

 

Again, I am pushing 50, and twenty years ago, I may have said as you did. However, I have learned that every human is capable of evil. And while we may not be able to live with ourselves, it doesn't mean that little choices could not lead us to the point where we have cheated. I am thankful that in situations that could have escalated into an affair, I somehow make a comment or do something that "breaks the spell." Looking back, I can see opportunities which were thwarted even though part of me wanted them to continue. It is much easier to look back and see how the pleasure could have turned into disaster. During the moment, one wants to continue because of the feelings even when the mind knows it is wrong.

 

I truly feel for you and your pain. I detest men who do not realize the pain that a little pleasure could cause. Having lived in a sexless marriage for years, I disdain men who use a few weeks of abstinence as an excuse to "stray." I have a good friend whose husband cheated on her, and the many conversations I have had with her as she shared her anger, pain and confusion....have given my a great understanding of how something so "small" as even a one night stand could cause such great pain. Her pain has been instrumental in keeping me from doing that to my own wife.

 

Wow. You should read some books on human psychology. There ABSOLUTELY is a type of person and character that is more prone to cheating. They're called sociopaths. Narcissists. Those with Borderline personality disorder.

 

I didn't say that there is not a type that is more prone to a certain type of cheating. There is. Some people (but by far not all) cheat because they selfishly want pleasure and thrills despite being in what many of us would call a happy relationship. This type of person is a narcissist. And yes, sociopaths may engage in dangerous habits. Yet read here on LS and elsewhere. Many affairs are started because of a bad marriage or relationship. NO doubt the cheater made a choice that ended in adultery. But many of these people are no different than you or I. When faced with a decision, they made a choice that at one time would have been abhorrent to them. In their emotionally weakened state, they allowed themselves to go step by step into an affair that caused them and their partner great pain.

 

Again, I feel for your pain. And I know what you are saying. The idea that you could do to someone else what has been done to you is despicable. Many of those that cheat would not do so if they felt the pain they caused. And many deeply regret the affair after it is over for that very reason. Personally, I would hate myself if I caused my wife so much pain. I know what it would do to her, and after all that she has been through in life, I would rather help take away pain instead of adding to it.

 

This pain has made you realize how despicable and painful cheating is. It will keep you from making that same mistake yourself. Unfortunately, everyone doesn't have your experiences, and they may only see the pleasure when faced with the possibility of an affair.

 

I would rather hear of someone who knows that he or she could cheat and does everything to prevent it from happening, than to hear of someone who "knows" he or she could not cheat and does nothing to prevent it. When a situation arises, one will keep himself from making that first step, while the other will go into it step by step as he thinks he is not vulnerable to such "evil."

[flitzanu]

because they met someone way more awesome than their current partner. at least that's why i tell myself why girls have cheated on their bf's with me.

 

but honestly, as a non-cheater (i've been a cheat-ee though) people just aren't happy with their relationship/life and are too scared to leave, so they find gratification and ego stroke with someone who is less complicated and who is giving them what they need at the moment.

 

by "giving it to them" i mean that in all ways, physical and emotional.