Dear Cheaters,...

[Tree_Salmon]

Doing everything to prevent cheating?

That's called breaking up. It should be, anyway

 

You can sit and discuss the reasons for cheating all you want. I have had all those reasons in me.

 

I was in a relationship where i wasn't happy and as soon as I felt that it wasnt going to change I broke up. I didnt go out and start f*cking girls.

It's that simple. Why waste time or try to justify breaking the trust?

 

Whats the point of a relationship if you're cheating?

Why not just date random people and f*ck all you want?

 

That's how people with integrity do it.

Because its the right thing to do. Tagging someone along hoping your feelings "change" is bulls*it. It's a selfish act and thats all it comes down to. No matter how you flower it up with the psychological bull.

[flitzanu]

Doing everything to prevent cheating?

That's called breaking up. It should be, anyway

 

You can sit and discuss the reasons for cheating all you want. I have had all those reasons in me.

 

I was in a relationship where i wasn't happy and as soon as I felt that it wasnt going to change I broke up. I didnt go out and start f*cking girls.

It's that simple. Why waste time or try to justify breaking the trust?

 

Whats the point of a relationship if you're cheating?

Why not just date random people and f*ck all you want?

 

That's how people with integrity do it.

Because its the right thing to do. Tagging someone along hoping your feelings "change" is bulls*it. It's a selfish act and thats all it comes down to. No matter how you flower it up with the psychological bull.

 

yes. all of this ^^^^^^^^^^

[JamesM]

Doing everything to prevent cheating?

That's called breaking up. It should be, anyway

 

I am referring to marriage. And as you may find out one day, marriage does not prevent the eyes from looking. And divorce or breakup will prevent cheating, but when we marry we make a commitment. So to prevent the possibility of an affair, a smart person will stay away from any temptations even if he or she "knows" he cannot cheat.

 

You can sit and discuss the reasons for cheating all you want. I have had all those reasons in me.

 

We all do. How we handle them is the difference between an affair and commitment. IMO we must recognize as you have done that we are capable of cheating. Blissful ignorance will not prevent affairs.

 

I was in a relationship where i wasn't happy and as soon as I felt that it wasnt going to change I broke up. I didnt go out and start f*cking girls.

It's that simple. Why waste time or try to justify breaking the trust?

 

If you are in a non-binding relationship, then this is the best choice. Marriage is much more long term.

 

Whats the point of a relationship if you're cheating?

 

There is none. It is broken.

 

Why not just date random people and f*ck all you want?

 

Agree...except not all affairs revolve around sex.

 

That's how people with integrity do it.

 

That is how it should be done. Don't make the mistake that you can identify a person with integrity. Every person who has not cheated and yet will one day will say that they will never cheat. And yet many of them will. Sadly, we all are as evil as the next.

 

It's a selfish act and thats all it comes down to. No matter how you flower it up with the psychological bull.

 

Perhaps you misunderstood. Preventing affairs and knowing that you are capable of cheating does not mean that one WILL cheat. It is simply recognizing basic human behavior. It is realizing that I know that I am no better than the next guy.

 

If someone is in a relationship and is not happy, then by all means leave. If you have to prevent yourself from cheating and are "only" dating, then marriage with that person is not for you. However, if you are in a marriage, then you want a commitment. There will be times that the feelings of love will seem to have disappeared. It is necessary to lay out plans in your mind to prevent the possibility of cheating before the temptation ever arises.

 

Anyone who thinks he will never cheat must talk to the one has has cheated and ask that person, "Did you ever think you would cheat?" And while you may not believe them, the answer will be the same as yours.

[Tree_Salmon]

because they met someone way more awesome than their current partner. at least that's why i tell myself why girls have cheated on their bf's with me.

 

but honestly, as a non-cheater (i've been a cheat-ee though) people just aren't happy with their relationship/life and are too scared to leave, so they find gratification and ego stroke with someone who is less complicated and who is giving them what they need at the moment.

 

by "giving it to them" i mean that in all ways, physical and emotional.

 

And yes, we are pretty awesome.

 

You'd be surprised how many girls cheat on their "loves".

 

And never seemed to care one bit how their boyfriends/husbands felt when they are begging me to pull out the big kielbasa.

 

I don't see where the "emotional" lacking comes in there.

[GorillaTheater]

I would rather hear of someone who knows that he or she could cheat and does everything to prevent it from happening, than to hear of someone who "knows" he or she could not cheat and does nothing to prevent it. When a situation arises, one will keep himself from making that first step, while the other will go into it step by step as he thinks he is not vulnerable to such "evil."

 

I agree. I know myself. And 50 years on earth and especially five years of being an Assistant DA has taught me that all of us are capable of almost anything, given certain conditions, stressors, and states of mind.

 

I, too, think just about all of us with very few exceptions are capable of cheating, though without a doubt some of us are weaker in that area than others. I recognize it in myself, and govern myself with women accordingly with good boundaries. In 29 years of marriage, I've never been unfaithful. But that makes me a good soldier, not an angel. We all deal with varying degrees of temptation at times. The trick is to avoid situations where we may be vulnerable to giving in.

[Tree_Salmon]

I am referring to marriage. And as you may find out one day, marriage does not prevent the eyes from looking. And divorce or breakup will prevent cheating, but when we marry we make a commitment. So to prevent the possibility of an affair, a smart person will stay away from any temptations even if he or she "knows" he cannot cheat.

 

 

 

Shouldn't be making that "commitment" unless you're sure you can follow through. And if you do get tired of that person you have a responsibility to say "im out".

Life is short. Stop wasting my time.

 

If you have this many temptations then maybe you shouldn't be getting married, is my answer to those people.

 

The idea that there's a force outside of us that controls us so strongly to do these things is complete rationalization and cowardliness.

 

Nobody is controlling you.

[KatZee]

That's how people with integrity do it.

Because its the right thing to do. Tagging someone along hoping your feelings "change" is bulls*it. It's a selfish act and thats all it comes down to. No matter how you flower it up with the psychological bull.

 

This.

 

It comes down to integrity. All this nonsense on here trying to defend and justify cheating, my ears are closed to it. It's a disgusting choice, when there are millions of other choices someone could make.

[flitzanu]

I am referring to marriage. And as you may find out one day, marriage does not prevent the eyes from looking. And divorce or breakup will prevent cheating, but when we marry we make a commitment. So to prevent the possibility of an affair, a smart person will stay away from any temptations even if he or she "knows" he cannot cheat.

 

 

 

We all do. How we handle them is the difference between an affair and commitment. IMO we must recognize as you have done that we are capable of cheating. Blissful ignorance will not prevent affairs.

 

 

 

If you are in a non-binding relationship, then this is the best choice. Marriage is much more long term.

 

 

 

There is none. It is broken.

 

 

 

Agree...except not all affairs revolve around sex.

 

 

 

That is how it should be done. Don't make the mistake that you can identify a person with integrity. Every person who has not cheated and yet will one day will say that they will never cheat. And yet many of them will. Sadly, we all are as evil as the next.

 

 

 

Perhaps you misunderstood. Preventing affairs and knowing that you are capable of cheating does not mean that one WILL cheat. It is simply recognizing basic human behavior. It is realizing that I know that I am no better than the next guy.

 

If someone is in a relationship and is not happy, then by all means leave. If you have to prevent yourself from cheating and are "only" dating, then marriage with that person is not for you. However, if you are in a marriage, then you want a commitment. There will be times that the feelings of love will seem to have disappeared. It is necessary to lay out plans in your mind to prevent the possibility of cheating before the temptation ever arises.

 

Anyone who thinks he will never cheat must talk to the one has has cheated and ask that person, "Did you ever think you would cheat?" And while you may not believe them, the answer will be the same as yours.

 

i'm not sure what the comparison is by saying marriage is so different. it's a legally binding agreement, but it doesn't change the sentiment of the relationship. affairs are still cheating. and by what you're saying, the "heaviness" of being married far outweighs a "non-binding" relationship, so by that understanding...you're supposed to allow/forgive your partner for cheating because it's a binding contract to be married?

 

and the last bit:

 

"Anyone who thinks he will never cheat must talk to the one has has cheated and ask that person, "Did you ever think you would cheat?" And while you may not believe them, the answer will be the same as yours."

 

by that statement you're insinuating that EVERYONE will cheat. that simply isn't true. i've said it before, and stuck with it for the 18 years of my dating life and not cheated. it's pointless and hurtful.

 

i'm secure enough in my ego to be happy with the one person i'm with. if someone isn't, that's a personal issue and has no bearing on "binding" or "non-binding" relationships.

 

it's as Tree said...it's integrity.

[JamesM]

 

by that statement you're insinuating that EVERYONE will cheat.

 

You changed one word....

 

Everyone CAN cheat. That does not mean everyone WILL cheat.

 

In fact, most won't. It is the smart ones who realize "but for the grace of God go I."

 

Knowing that I can cheat has prevented me from getting into an affair. Saying that I am not capable would be a complete misunderstanding of human nature.

 

Sorry...none of us are born with integrity of greater levels than the next.

 

And if anyone thinks I am defending cheating or giving cheaters an excuse, then they have misunderstood my comments.

 

Over and over I have read on LS from one who betrayed his wife or her husband, "I never thought I could cheat. I never imagined I would be in an affair."

 

Not those exact words but close.

 

Sorry if it offends you that I accept that I know my limits, but as GT says

We all deal with varying degrees of temptation at times. The trick is to avoid situations where we may be vulnerable to giving in.

 

If you are angry and think I accuse you of cheating, you are wrong. I simply think for your own good you need to examine yourself and see what you may be capable of. If it helps to label the one who betrayed you as being a sociopath, so be it. If it helps to avoid the truth that they are no different than you or I, so be it.

 

With all humbleness and even though I have anger at those who can cause so much pain to another human who gave them their heart, I cannot stand above them. I simply am grateful that I am not them.

 

Don't hate me...it is only what I have learned and have witnessed of others.

[JamesM]

Shouldn't be making that "commitment" unless you're sure you can follow through. And if you do get tired of that person you have a responsibility to say "im out".

Life is short. Stop wasting my time.

 

Oh, I can follow through. Been married 22 years. First marriage..and last.

 

If you have this many temptations then maybe you shouldn't be getting married, is my answer to those people.

 

Temptations are part of life. Choosing to make the right choice when they come along is what makes a commitment work. Love is not a feeling. It is a choice.

 

If you think that when you finally get married, you no longer have attractions to other women, then you are sadly mistaken. This does not mean you no longer love your wife. It means that you respect her by avoiding situations that can feed on temptations.

 

The idea that there's a force outside of us that controls us so strongly to do these things is complete rationalization and cowardliness.

 

There isn't one and you misunderstood me if you think I stated such. But it isn't the force outside of me...it is me. Affairs happen in moments of weakness and not when we are strong. Avoiding temptations at all times will keep us strong even when we are weak.

 

Nobody is controlling you.

 

So true. Marriage is one of the best things that happened to me, and I will do all in my power to keep it thriving until death do us part. Placing boundaries to hedge out temptations is just one of the many ways I show my love to my wife.

[movingon12]

He wasn't over his ex, no matter what he tried to tell himself or me. He hadn't seen the girl in about 6 months when he cheated on me. And when he finally came clean about it he said that after not seeing her for those 6 months and then catching up, "feelings came flooding back." So clearly he tried to kid himself into thinking he was over her.

 

So there was a problem - and a massive one at that. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds to me like he was confused, like many of us have been, made a mistake and realised it too late. It doesn't sound like he was sleeping with her because he didn't care about you, or because it was an ego boost, or because he was a selfish evil narcissist, it sounds like he slept with her because part of him still loved her.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree - but the point I was trying to make originally was that people cheat because there's a problem in the relationship. And a relationship is formed by 2 people. Which means both people have to take some responsibility for the fact it went wrong: even if, for the betrayed, it's nothing more than accepting 'I should have realised something was wrong'.

[movingon12]

Over and over I have read on LS from one who betrayed his wife or her husband, "I never thought I could cheat. I never imagined I would be in an affair."

 

I can safely say that no one was more shocked that my husband cheated than he himself.

[KatZee]

So there was a problem - and a massive one at that. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds to me like he was confused, like many of us have been, made a mistake and realised it too late. It doesn't sound like he was sleeping with her because he didn't care about you, or because it was an ego boost, or because he was a selfish evil narcissist, it sounds like he slept with her because part of him still loved her.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree - but the point I was trying to make originally was that people cheat because there's a problem in the relationship. And a relationship is formed by 2 people. Which means both people have to take some responsibility for the fact it went wrong: even if, for the betrayed, it's nothing more than accepting 'I should have realised something was wrong'.

 

I don't think he was fully over it but I don't think he was IN love with her. She was just something familiar. Years worth of familiarity and I had only been around a few months.

 

And I will never believe he is someone who made a mistake because of everything he's ever said to me, and all the ways he has always acted towards me. He's a true narcissist.

 

He would brag about how he "treated his ex like s.hit" and admitted it but that "she loves me so much and just takes it." I mean who even says something like that? Then he confessed to cheating on her when he was away at school, but the way he confided in me made it seem as if he was so sincere and had learned those lessons. He was never at fault with anything, it was always me. He loved me but "couldn't stand me." Everything and anyone came before me, he allowed his friends to disrespect me because he was too much of a coward to speak up. He always had this phony facade where he was Mr. Nice Guy meanwhile I knew the real him. The perpetual liar. The cheater. The manipulator. The coward. I can't for the life of me ever believe he loved me. You don't treat people the way he treated me if you love them.

 

I foolishly fell for the "it will be different with me" syndrome and that is the only fault I played in this relationship. I should have left far sooner and should have paid attention to the red flags.

Edited November 29, 2012 by KatZee

[Tree_Salmon]

You changed one word....

 

Everyone CAN cheat. That does not mean everyone WILL cheat.

 

 

Everyone CAN try to catch a fish with a dirty diaper. That does not mean everyone WILL catch a fish with a dirty diaper.

 

This statement can be applied to ANYTHING.

 

We're talking about the actual act of following through and taking that step.

It takes a certain lack of integrity, in my opinion, to be able to do it.

I know I wouldn't be able to.

 

As for temptations, I was tempted with my girlfriend's ass from the moment i met her till the moment i dumped her. If your significant other doesn't do it for you then I don't know what to tell you.

Make sure you don't settle for less before you get into a relationship.

 

I personally don't think there's a huge difference between marriage and long term dating. I treat my girlfriends as if they are my wives.

The "figuring out" phase should be the first two years. if you're still tempted by everyone at that point then maybe you should consider someone else.

 

I work in entertainment and see tons of incredible women daily, I've also been i situations where they have "tested" me but I simply don't care.

 

I'm willing to accept that not everyone is like me but, from my experience, if you're committed to someone you claim to love your heart wont be tempted. Even when it was going horrible wrong I still felt the same.

 

Only now that I've been single have I looked at the women at my work as potential partners and temptations.

 

It comes down to the individual. I'm willing to meet you at that point.

[JamesM]

Everyone CAN try to catch a fish with a dirty diaper. That does not mean everyone WILL catch a fish with a dirty diaper.

 

This statement can be applied to ANYTHING.

 

Yes, it can. But when someone says "I would never" then somehow IMO he thinks better of himself than is real.

 

We're talking about the actual act of following through and taking that step.

It takes a certain lack of integrity, in my opinion, to be able to do it.

I know I wouldn't be able to.

 

When it comes to an affair, "that step" is usually composed of little steps. Most people who have affairs don't say one day, "I am going to have sex with so and so."

 

I love my wife with all of my heart, and because of that love I will do what I can to stay out of an affair. Does that mean that I think I can be in an affair with the first woman that walks by? No. Does that mean that every coworker is so tempting that I must ward them off? Absolutely not.

 

As for temptations, I was tempted with my girlfriend's ass from the moment i met her till the moment i dumped her. If your significant other doesn't do it for you then I don't know what to tell you.

Make sure you don't settle for less before you get into a relationship.

 

Oh, without a doubt, I have the best! I pity the rest of mankind...they must accept seconds!

 

But since love is more than a feeling and it is an action, I act to make certain that she is my priority. And part of that is setting boundaries in place to prevent any disrespect to her.

 

I personally don't think there's a huge difference between marriage and long term dating. I treat my girlfriends as if they are my wives.

The "figuring out" phase should be the first two years. if you're still tempted by everyone at that point then maybe you should consider someone else.

 

Sadly, many men are like you and don't think marriage is more sacred. The commitment of marriage should go much deeper than long term dating. Once you are married, there is no more "figuring out." Those days are past. Marriage is about honoring the commitment you made to the one who you decided is the one you want to spend your life with.

 

I am not tempted by very many women at all TBH. It is rare that I meet a woman who comes close to matching my wife. However, many affairs don't usually happen because the person is better than one's partner. They happen because of of something perceived to be lacking in the relationship, or they happen because the person is emotionally vulnerable.

 

Until you are married, you cannot know the difference. Read how affairs start, and it will not only help you after what your last gf did, but it will help you understand what I mean.

 

Take the time to read the info at this link. It will help you understand what I mean.

Affair Prevention: What are appropriate boundaries for Marriage? - beyondaffairs.com

 

 

I'm willing to accept that not everyone is like me but, from my experience, if you're committed to someone you claim to love your heart wont be tempted. Even when it was going horrible wrong I still felt the same.

 

From my own experience and from the insights of many here and from the information I have found....you are one of a very small minority, it this is true about you.

 

Marriage is a great thing. I love my wife with all of my heart. Despite the many ups and downs of our marriage, I have never wavered in my admiration and love for her. Despite the problems that have occurred and the times that I feel more open to the affections of another woman, I can see her face and know the pain I would cause. And when I compare them, then suddenly that temptation seems tawdry in comparison.

 

Yet I am not stupid. It is not a character flaw that propels others into affairs. It is not that they somehow are weaker than I. It it not that I have more integrity.

 

IMO it is that they were not prepared for the possibility that they could actually have an affair and ended up in one because they felt they could stop at any time. If they had planned ahead when the times were rough, then alot of pain could have been prevented.

 

So...I set boundaries to avoid any step towards an affair.

 

I guess we will have to leave it at an impasse.

[Tree_Salmon]

Yes, it can. But when someone says "I would never" then somehow IMO he thinks better of himself than is real.

 

 

 

When it comes to an affair, "that step" is usually composed of little steps. Most people who have affairs don't say one day, "I am going to have sex with so and so."

 

I love my wife with all of my heart, and because of that love I will do what I can to stay out of an affair. Does that mean that I think I can be in an affair with the first woman that walks by? No. Does that mean that every coworker is so tempting that I must ward them off? Absolutely not.

 

 

 

Oh, without a doubt, I have the best! I pity the rest of mankind...they must accept seconds!

 

But since love is more than a feeling and it is an action, I act to make certain that she is my priority. And part of that is setting boundaries in place to prevent any disrespect to her.

 

 

 

Sadly, many men are like you and don't think marriage is more sacred. The commitment of marriage should go much deeper than long term dating. Once you are married, there is no more "figuring out." Those days are past. Marriage is about honoring the commitment you made to the one who you decided is the one you want to spend your life with.

 

I am not tempted by very many women at all TBH. It is rare that I meet a woman who comes close to matching my wife. However, many affairs don't usually happen because the person is better than one's partner. They happen because of of something perceived to be lacking in the relationship, or they happen because the person is emotionally vulnerable.

 

Until you are married, you cannot know the difference. Read how affairs start, and it will not only help you after what your last gf did, but it will help you understand what I mean.

 

Take the time to read the info at this link. It will help you understand what I mean.

Affair Prevention: What are appropriate boundaries for Marriage? - beyondaffairs.com

 

 

 

 

From my own experience and from the insights of many here and from the information I have found....you are one of a very small minority, it this is true about you.

 

Marriage is a great thing. I love my wife with all of my heart. Despite the many ups and downs of our marriage, I have never wavered in my admiration and love for her. Despite the problems that have occurred and the times that I feel more open to the affections of another woman, I can see her face and know the pain I would cause. And when I compare them, then suddenly that temptation seems tawdry in comparison.

 

Yet I am not stupid. It is not a character flaw that propels others into affairs. It is not that they somehow are weaker than I. It it not that I have more integrity.

 

IMO it is that they were not prepared for the possibility that they could actually have an affair and ended up in one because they felt they could stop at any time. If they had planned ahead when the times were rough, then alot of pain could have been prevented.

 

So...I set boundaries to avoid any step towards an affair.

 

I guess we will have to leave it at an impasse.

 

Even dating is a commitment my friend. You are no better or worse than me.

 

To me its all the same. I would have been the same married as I was dating my ex. The idea that a contract makes the difference between "real love" or something less substantial is bullsh*t.

[JamesM]

Even dating is a commitment my friend. You are no better or worse than me.

 

Agreed...my friend. Dating is a commitment to the point of discovery. Dating is about finding someone to marry. Marriage is different. You can walk out on a dating commitment much easier than you can walk out on a marriage.

 

I don't think I am better than you, but I would say that I may be worse than you...if you are never tempted when in a relationship.

 

The idea that a contract makes the difference between "real love" or something less substantial is bullsh*t.

Disagree.

 

Marriage is much more than a non-contractual relationship. Think a minute. If you decide to leave a relationship that is even a cohabitation, you can do so without much legal hassle. If you want a divorce, then you will find it is a much bigger deal.

 

And then you add children to that....

[Tree_Salmon]

Agreed...my friend. Dating is a commitment to the point of discovery. Dating is about finding someone to marry. Marriage is different. You can walk out on a dating commitment much easier than you can walk out on a marriage.

 

I don't think I am better than you, but I would say that I may be worse than you...if you are never tempted when in a relationship.

 

 

Disagree.

 

Marriage is much more than a non-contractual relationship. Think a minute. If you decide to leave a relationship that is even a cohabitation, you can do so without much legal hassle. If you want a divorce, then you will find it is a much bigger deal.

 

And then you add children to that....

 

So adding the financial obligation makes it "real love"?

C'mon man, don't sound so foolish.

 

I treated my six year relationship as if it was a marriage.

 

No piece of paper or church is going to change my views on the person I'm with.

 

I think this is why we have a 50% and rising divorce rate in this country.

People look at this sh*t like a business proposition.

[KatZee]

People that say "I would never cheat" are essentially acting like they're better than everyone else?

 

Where did you come up with that load of horses.hit? I think I explained it pretty clearly. I've been cheated on. It ruined me. I could never inflict that pain on someone else.

 

What's the f.ucking problem here and why is this so difficult? If someone is in a relationship and is tempted to cheat, grow a damn set of balls, open your mouth and tell them there's a problem. That's the problem with the world today. Everyone's a coward and everyone thinks sneaking around behind someone's back and lying is the solution to problems.

 

It's NOT. If I ever was tempted to be intimate with someone else, and I had a long term partner or a husband, I'd take my a.ss home sit him down and tell him that it wasn't working for me, and we either figure out what's missing and what we can do to fix it, or I end the relationship. I don't understand how people live every day juggling wives and girlfriends, or multiple women and just creating lie after lie. Isn't it exhausting?

 

Cheating is a cowards game. And no. I could never and would never and WILL NEVER cheat. If you interpret this as me being "better than you" perhaps you should take a look at yourself and try to understand why you feel this way?

Edited November 29, 2012 by KatZee

[movingon12]

So adding the financial obligation makes it "real love"?

C'mon man, don't sound so foolish.

 

I treated my six year relationship as if it was a marriage.

 

No piece of paper or church is going to change my views on the person I'm with.

 

I think this is why we have a 50% and rising divorce rate in this country.

People look at this sh*t like a business proposition.

 

If you're not married, you can break up with someone in a moment. Walk out the door and you never have to see or speak to them again. It doesn't mean you will, but it means that you can. If you want to. If things get too difficult, you can walk away and you're finished.

 

To end a marriage takes years. Literally. You can't just walk away. There are lawyers, and legal documents, property will need to be sold, and possibly court proceedings to divide up belongings. There may be custody battles for children. Wills need to be re-written. Pension plans need to be changed. Employers have to be informed, so does the Inland Revenue. Even the Immigration Department and the local consulate if you're abroad. If you're woman you may even need to change your name - you'll certainly have to write to numerous organisations to ask them to stop calling you 'Mrs'. Sometimes you get some of this too if you've been living with someone for long enough, but not to the same extent.

 

When things are going badly, you can't just leave - because you're married. You're stuck with the other person whether you like it or not. You made a public commitment to them that you would stay with them - for better or for worse. When things get bad, you can't just say this isn't working, I give up, lets break up because the implications of that are MASSIVE. I've broken up with guys a few times. I've got divorced once. The decision to break up takes, at most, a few weeks. The decision to formally divorce took 1.5 years. It's not the same.

 

I assume from your responses that you have never been married? I was like you, I thought marriage was nothing but a piece of paper that was necessary to avoid nightmare capital gains tax issues in the event that my ex or I died. But it isn't. It binds you together. Legally. In a way that is hard to understand until you've been in that situation.

[movingon12]

People that say "I would never cheat" are essentially acting like they're better than everyone else?

 

Where did you come up with that load of horses.hit? I think I explained it pretty clearly. I've been cheated on. It ruined me. I could never inflict that pain on someone else.

 

What's the f.ucking problem here and why is this so difficult? If someone is in a relationship and is tempted to cheat, grow a damn set of balls, open your mouth and tell them there's a problem. That's the problem with the world today. Everyone's a coward and everyone thinks sneaking around behind someone's back and lying is the solution to problems.

 

It's NOT. If I ever was tempted to be intimate with someone else, and I had a long term partner or a husband, I'd take my a.ss home sit him down and tell him that it wasn't working for me, and we either figure out what's missing and what we can do to fix it, or I end the relationship. I don't understand how people live every day juggling wives and girlfriends, or multiple women and just creating lie after lie. Isn't it exhausting?

 

Cheating is a cowards game. And no. I could never and would never and WILL NEVER cheat. If you interpret this as me being "better than you" perhaps you should take a look at yourself and try to understand why you feel this way?

 

I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you think the reason you are so upset about what happened is because he cheated, or is it because (based on your previous reply to me ('he said he 'couldn't stand you', you were always low priority etc)) he was clearly a very unpleasant man who treated you very badly, and you're angry that you allowed him to treat you the way he did for as long as he did?

 

From my own experience, yes I was annoyed at my ex for cheating on me, but really I've forgiven him for that: he tried desperately to stop me finding out, and it wasn't anything aimed at hurting me, he just wasn't happy and thought it would make him happier. He's human. I understand it and accept it. But the thing I can't forgive is the way he treated me towards the end of my relationship, and the fact that I let him do it, pathetically hoping that he would change, or I could make it better. The 'cheating' element of it was certainly not the worst thing he did - I would have carried on with the marriage had he been willing to make the slightest effort.

[KatZee]

I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you think the reason you are so upset about what happened is because he cheated, or is it because (based on your previous reply to me ('he said he 'couldn't stand you', you were always low priority etc)) he was clearly a very unpleasant man who treated you very badly, and you're angry that you allowed him to treat you the way he did for as long as he did?

 

From my own experience, yes I was annoyed at my ex for cheating on me, but really I've forgiven him for that: he tried desperately to stop me finding out, and it wasn't anything aimed at hurting me, he just wasn't happy and thought it would make him happier. He's human. I understand it and accept it. But the thing I can't forgive is the way he treated me towards the end of my relationship, and the fact that I let him do it, pathetically hoping that he would change, or I could make it better. The 'cheating' element of it was certainly not the worst thing he did - I would have carried on with the marriage had he been willing to make the slightest effort.

 

Oh yeah absolutely. I realized that when I was in my anger stage, the person I was angry the most at was myself. Not him. He was a crappy individual but did he force me to stay? Absolutely not. I stayed because I was stupid and thought he was a good and decent person underneath his "mistakes."

 

I was angry at myself for staying so long, for putting up with as much as I did, and for not dumping him when I told myself I wanted to dump him.

 

I'm not really angry anymore. What you're seeing here really isn't anger, it's my resolution to never fall for someone's s.hit like this ever again. I have a strong personality but my ex has now been pushed over to the "nothing" side and I don't care about him at all.

 

And my ex did the same thing, he was so "wonderful" in the beginning and towards the end, for a good year almost, he was just this awful human being. I forgive MYSELF for staying as long as I did. I do not forgive him for what he did to me. He doesn't bother me anymore, but if he were to ever come to me to "apologize" I'd be like, "that's fantastic. Please leave." I'm a Libra. We hold grudges like nobody's business.

 

He tried to take advantage of me. He pissed me off. He intentionally betrayed me. And mistook my kindness for weakness. I don't forgive, I most certainly don't forget. I'm extremely unforgiving. And that's why I stand so firm on my views of cheating.

[Samms22]

People that say "I would never cheat" are essentially acting like they're better than everyone else?

 

Where did you come up with that load of horses.hit? I think I explained it pretty clearly. I've been cheated on. It ruined me. I could never inflict that pain on someone else.

 

What's the f.ucking problem here and why is this so difficult? If someone is in a relationship and is tempted to cheat, grow a damn set of balls, open your mouth and tell them there's a problem. That's the problem with the world today. Everyone's a coward and everyone thinks sneaking around behind someone's back and lying is the solution to problems.

 

It's NOT. If I ever was tempted to be intimate with someone else, and I had a long term partner or a husband, I'd take my a.ss home sit him down and tell him that it wasn't working for me, and we either figure out what's missing and what we can do to fix it, or I end the relationship. I don't understand how people live every day juggling wives and girlfriends, or multiple women and just creating lie after lie. Isn't it exhausting?

 

Cheating is a cowards game. And no. I could never and would never and WILL NEVER cheat. If you interpret this as me being "better than you" perhaps you should take a look at yourself and try to understand why you feel this way?

 

KaT: You have absolutely nailed this pathology. This is exactly the same thing that happened with my girlfriend. She is a coward: scared, immature, and afraid of anyone finding out about the truth. She was always scared of telling me anything that would hurt my feelings, even if it would save the relationship. She is and was a pathological liar. Now, this doesn't mean I don't think of the good times, her laugh, when she's happy and kissing me on my neck, etc. but it was mostly fake.

 

I've never cheated either, despite being attracted to other woman during our relationship. I, instead of my girlfriend, actually talked about my problems and things that would bother me. She always pretended like everything was okay until I found out that she was going over to another guy's house while I was at work.

 

The poster who keeps maintaining that there is always a reason for cheating might be correct: reasons like the cheater isn't ready for a mature relationship, is shy and insecure and has the self-esteem of Michael Jackson when he was black, or simply a lack of courage. It takes guts to make a relationship work and people who deal in subterfuge and devilry are NOT happy.

 

Despite what the people who get cheated on may think in their despair, the partner who cheats and lies isn't happy. No matter how many smiling facebook pictures greet the piner and lonesome dumpee, the cheater will never be happy until he or she has mended his or her ways. The liar and cheat will, I repeat, NEVER EVER be happy or be able to sleep soundly.

 

You know that feeling of having clean hands and being able to put your head on the pillow and have a good nights sleep? Cheaters don't get that. They feel deceitful and they've sewn their own hells through their actions.

 

I had an hour and a half talk with my ex girlfriend after a nasty break-up and 3 week NC... and I looked at her. I just observed her. She hates herself, hates life, and is in constant fear and grief over what she did. It doesn't matter how many friends and family members told her how bad I was, and no matter how much she vilified me, she still can't get over the fact that she destroyed a perfectly fine relationship through cheating. She cried. She's now getting into marijuana and alcohol to try to live with herself.

 

DO NOT CHEAT. Maintain personal integrity and sleep well.

[Tree_Salmon]

If you're not married, you can break up with someone in a moment. Walk out the door and you never have to see or speak to them again. It doesn't mean you will, but it means that you can. If you want to. If things get too difficult, you can walk away and you're finished.

 

To end a marriage takes years. Literally. You can't just walk away. There are lawyers, and legal documents, property will need to be sold, and possibly court proceedings to divide up belongings. There may be custody battles for children. Wills need to be re-written. Pension plans need to be changed. Employers have to be informed, so does the Inland Revenue. Even the Immigration Department and the local consulate if you're abroad. If you're woman you may even need to change your name - you'll certainly have to write to numerous organisations to ask them to stop calling you 'Mrs'. Sometimes you get some of this too if you've been living with someone for long enough, but not to the same extent.

 

When things are going badly, you can't just leave - because you're married. You're stuck with the other person whether you like it or not. You made a public commitment to them that you would stay with them - for better or for worse. When things get bad, you can't just say this isn't working, I give up, lets break up because the implications of that are MASSIVE. I've broken up with guys a few times. I've got divorced once. The decision to break up takes, at most, a few weeks. The decision to formally divorce took 1.5 years. It's not the same.

 

I assume from your responses that you have never been married? I was like you, I thought marriage was nothing but a piece of paper that was necessary to avoid nightmare capital gains tax issues in the event that my ex or I died. But it isn't. It binds you together. Legally. In a way that is hard to understand until you've been in that situation.

 

So the only thing keeping the unhappy marriage together is the contract?

Simply because its going to be "stickier" or more work to get out of it.

 

That's no reason to stay in anything.

 

If I'm unhappy and its not fixable i'll leave.

Marriage shouldn't be a ticking time bomb.

 

I honestly don't even see the point anymore since so many people view it as a sign of you showing more commitment.

 

After lets say 2-4 years of being with someone you should know how committed you are. I don't need to worry about marriage as a signifier of my commitment to someone.

 

The only reason I ever considered it was because my girlfriend wanted it. And even she wanted it for superficial family reasons.

[KatZee]

The liar and cheat will, I repeat, NEVER EVER be happy or be able to sleep soundly.

 

You know that feeling of having clean hands and being able to put your head on the pillow and have a good nights sleep? Cheaters don't get that. They feel deceitful and they've sewn their own hells through their actions.

 

Yep. I know this. I actually said these words pretty much verbatim to my ex when he contacted me 5 weeks post break up. He texted me telling me to sell all the jewelry he bought me, that he didn't want me to get the wrong impression and think he was going to want me back.

 

To say I flew off the handle and tore him about 5 new a.ss holes is an understatement. My words were this, "At the end of the day, I can put my head down and night and know I am guilt free. I have never treated you the way you've treated me."

 

His response was, "That's great, good luck to you."

 

True piece of s.hit he is. I have no idea if those words are coming back to bite him in the a.ss. I don't care enough about him to find out what's going on in his life but I'd like to think Karma has my back, and what he has sown, he will one day reap.