Need to tell her my feelings

[sit down vision]

I am in what I feel is a time-sensitive situation and I would really appreciate some advice.

 

First, some background information: I am a man in my late 20s, and have never had a serious relationship. I am painfully shy, and neurotically insecure. These are issues which I need to and am working on. However, they have precipitated the predicament I am in.

 

I’m in a rather large band, with a female member, “Cheryl”. Anyway, this band has been together for several years, and we are on the precipice of our first record release, so we are playing a lot of important shows, etc. I have had feelings for Cheryl for around two years, and have only done small things to pursue them. I did ask her out on what I thought was a date earlier this year, and she did come and hang out with me all day, but it was pretty clear that she saw me as a platonic friend. I should have given up then, but my feelings haven’t gone away.

 

In the past, she has gone through periods of texting me frequently (not recently, however), and we have hung out outside of band functions a few times. Cheryl keeps dating these guys who she gets really excited about but they break up with her before the relationship really takes off. The most recent guy actually became her boyfriend, and she was very much into the relationship. I was depressed about it, and thinking about how I had so long to just make my feelings known, but couldn’t.

 

Tonight, her boyfriend broke up with her just before practice. She seemed really sad, and that made me feel pretty sad, as a reaction to seeing a friend in that state. Anyway, now I need to make my feelings known. I think there’s a good chance she’ll reject me, but I just need to do it for these reasons:

 

a. To get it off my chest

b. To hopefully break the awkwardness that I feel around her

c. So when she does find a relationship with someone else that lasts, I’ll at least know that I tried

d. I just really want her to know how amazing I think she is

 

I would like advice on how to do this. This week I’ll be seeing her three more times: for two practices and an important gig on Saturday. I feel like time is of the essence since she may find another guy to at least date casually very soon (possibly even another guy in the band). Should I email her, or wait to talk in person? I would also like to maximize any chances I have, however slim, of her reciprocating. Any thoughts? I would really appreciate them. Thanks.

[LoverOfDance]

I think u should definitely tell her b4 she finds someone else again. Tell her in person please. Text/email is not a good idea. She might not know what to say back to u and will probably procastinate replying until she finally sees u. Tell her in person. It shows u have guts and I think she'll appreciate that.

[sit down vision]

I think u should definitely tell her b4 she finds someone else again. Tell her in person please. Text/email is not a good idea. She might not know what to say back to u and will probably procastinate replying until she finally sees u. Tell her in person. It shows u have guts and I think she'll appreciate that.

 

I agree that talking to her in person would be the best way to go. Saturday would be the ideal time to do this, and it will be the only opportunity to talk to her alone. However, I'm afraid even four days might be waiting too long, especially since I fairly certain another guy in the band likes her.

 

Anyway, thanks! I will most likely heed your advice of speaking to her in person.

[todreaminblue]

I agree that talking to her in person would be the best way to go. Saturday would be the ideal time to do this, and it will be the only opportunity to talk to her alone. However, I'm afraid even four days might be waiting too long, especially since I fairly certain another guy in the band likes her.

 

Anyway, thanks! I will most likely heed your advice of speaking to her in person.

 

 

I dont think four days will be too long if she just broke up with someone, she may reject you she may not, but you should let her know how you feel, then you wont have regret, and maybe in the future she may see you differently......and honestly if the other band member does ask her doesn't necessarily mean that she will like him.......whatever the outcome.....she will knwo how you feel.....best wishes....deb

[whichwayisup]

Whoa man, chill out. Her boyfriend JUST broke up with her. She is upset and grieving that loss, do NOT make a move on her by telling her how you feel about her. Honestly, if I were her and you said that to me, at such a vunerable time, I would tell you to F off. Sorry but if you truly love her, care for her, you will NOT tell her how you feel.. For a long time. There are many other reasons why as well, not just because of the recent break up.

I’m in a rather large band, with a female member, “Cheryl”. Anyway, this band has been together for several years, and we are on the precipice of our first record release, so we are playing a lot of important shows, etc. I have had feelings for Cheryl for around two years, and have only done small things to pursue them. I did ask her out on what I thought was a date earlier this year, and she did come and hang out with me all day, but it was pretty clear that she saw me as a platonic friend. I should have given up then, but my feelings haven’t gone away.

 

Reason number two. Read it 100 times. Telling her how you feel is a good way of blowing up your band and ruining it all before you all get started. DON'T DO IT!

 

She sees you as a friend, that's it. So keep your feelings to yourself. If you don't, you'll regret it if you open up to her.

 

DO NOT ruin the friendship and band by letting your feelings get in the way.

[sit down vision]

 

She sees you as a friend, that's it. So keep your feelings to yourself. If you don't, you'll regret it if you open up to her.

 

DO NOT ruin the friendship and band by letting your feelings get in the way.

 

This is pretty much exactly what has kept me from letting my feelings known in the past. I was afraid of the consequences for the band, and for our friendship. However, she is an adult, and I don't think it's THAT big a deal. I've even talked to my bandmates about it (who know us both well) and none seem to think that she would quit the band over it, or that it would even cause a damaging amount of awkwardness/tension.

 

As far as the friendship goes, it is a risk, but hopefully if I explain it the right way I can minimize that risk. Choosing my words carefully will be very important.

[sit down vision]

Update: I've delayed my plans for now; at practice tonight she mentioned that she didn't want anybody hitting on her this week (i.e. at the show). Plus I get the feeling that she just plain doesn't like me, in which case I should probably just keep it to myself/move on anyway.

[MyPoutine]

Dude life is so short, just tell her (not this week though), you can never know what she feels.

 

"All you need is 20 seconds of insane" go for it and good luck. Even if she rejects you you will know for sure therefore be able to work towards healing and moving on

[soccerrprp]

Yes, tell her! Wait a few days to let her remove herself from her recent break-up a bit. But know what you may lose by doing so. In the end, not telling her would be the greater regret.

 

Good luck. I know what you are going through.

[Realist3]

I hate to break it to you, but if she wanted you, you would know it. She doesn't. You are going to mess up your spot if you take this any further.

 

If she had feelings for you it is not about the timing of her finding another man.

 

You are looking at it all wrong.

[sit down vision]

I hate to break it to you, but if she wanted you, you would know it. She doesn't. You are going to mess up your spot if you take this any further.

 

If she had feelings for you it is not about the timing of her finding another man.

 

You are looking at it all wrong.

 

I have a feeling that you didn't really hate to break that to me