How do you initiate contact with dumper after NC?

[not-a-drive-by]

I have been thinking about this a lot today. I have been in NC with my ex for over 2 months now (BU over 5 months ago) and I'm finding it hard to find a way to break contact. I don't know what is going on in his life anymore, and not sure what I could actually say to open communication again.

 

So to the dumpees, how did you initiate contact with a dumper after a period of NC? How did it go? Are you waiting for them to make the first move instead? Or, do you just come to the point where you don't care anymore?

[Mint Sauce]

you come to the point where you don't care anymore.

 

or, if you break NC often, you come to the point where you can predict their response, and don't want to bother anymore.

 

not-a-drive-by, I think we arrived here in the BU section around the same time. Our time frames are really similar. I'm sorry you're still here. I think you'll have to put more effort into moving your focus onto something or someone else...

 

Perhaps it was easier for me (I already went through a divorce many years ago, which took much more time for recovery), but 5 months after BU, you should really be actively moving your focus.

[YorickBrown]

I never thought this would be something I would ever want or need to ask (i've been No Contact with my ex for a solid 6-7 months now)...but yeah, I think I may need to do so (in light of my "dilemma").

 

My ex recently gave birth to a baby girl (somebody just casually told me) Im still reeling from the shock, coz it may be mine (a very good chance it is). And I have this "unexplicable haunting" feeling about me now that simply wont go away... ...it wasn't enough she broke my heart...now I feel like she messed up my whole being.

 

So I have to ask her for a Paternity Test for my peace of mind or soul or whatever. I feel this this is just a "one-shot" deal. It has to be a "perfect" re-contact...sheeeshhh...this has to be face to face (im afraid i might just "lose it")

 

@OP: So what's your excuse/reason for contacting her anyway?

[Treasa]

You could set his house on fire. Just make sure all living creatures are out, first.

 

Seriously, though, why do you want to initiate contact with someone who broke up with you and then didn't bother to contact you again? As someone who has initiated contact with a dumper, let me please say that it's not worth it. You lose a lot of your dignity and self respect, and more often than not it doesn't work out as you want it anyway.

 

If you were important enough to that person, they would contact you.

[spaniard]

I was dumped 5 months ago as well, but I agree with Mint Sauce. You have to work harder on moving on. I don't really think about my ex anymore and I'm quite busy. Actually, things are going pretty well, I'm sort of happy now, and (or because) I don't care about her at all.

 

Why do you want to break NC? It's the worst idea.

[geegirl]

You want to know what is going on in his life? What if he has a girlfriend? What if he's happy being single? If he's not contacting you, it's obvious that his life is going on just fine without you. Harsh, but true. You think he's sitting there wondering what you're up to? Nope.

 

You should go back and read your past threads. Everytime you have contact, you're dissapointed that it never goes anywhere. The guy doesn't even make an attempt and here you are trying to find ways to remind him of your existence.

 

You need to find other ways to cope. He can't be your source of comfort when he is what is causing you pain.

 

Stick to NC. Or you can break it. Get a luke warm response. Lather, rinse and repeat.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I have been thinking about this a lot today. I have been in NC with my ex for over 2 months now (BU over 5 months ago) and I'm finding it hard to find a way to break contact. I don't know what is going on in his life anymore, and not sure what I could actually say to open communication again.

 

So to the dumpees, how did you initiate contact with a dumper after a period of NC? How did it go? Are you waiting for them to make the first move instead? Or, do you just come to the point where you don't care anymore?

 

First off, it's only 2 months of NC. You are broken up, you don't need to know what's going on in his life, and he doesn't need to know about yours. You are broken up. Undersrtand? Why on earth would you want to open communication when the whole point was to break up. To answer your question, I was dumped, but disgusted enough that I didn't bother with him. He dumped me, but would text to see how I was. 2 years later, he contacted me again. I ignored him. When you are dumped, you don't go calling the dumper.

[BewitchedandBothered]

You want to know what is going on in his life? What if he has a girlfriend? What if he's happy being single? If he's not contacting you, it's obvious that his life is going on just fine without you. Harsh, but true. You think he's sitting there wondering what you're up to? Nope.

 

You should go back and read your past threads. Everytime you have contact, you're dissapointed that it never goes anywhere. The guy doesn't even make an attempt and here you are trying to find ways to remind him of your existence.

 

You need to find other ways to cope. He can't be your source of comfort when he is what is causing you pain.

 

Stick to NC. Or you can break it. Get a luke warm response. Lather, rinse and repeat.

You are the voice of reason; I hope the OP reads more of your posts; many of us have learned from your posts--you ROCK:)

[geegirl]

You are the voice of reason; I hope the OP reads more of your posts; many of us have learned from your posts--you ROCK:)

 

Hiya Bewitched! Haven't seen those curlers in awhile

[TaraMaiden]

I have been thinking about this a lot today. I have been in NC with my ex for over 2 months now (BU over 5 months ago) and I'm finding it hard to find a way to break contact. I don't know what is going on in his life anymore, and not sure what I could actually say to open communication again.

 

So to the dumpees, how did you initiate contact with a dumper after a period of NC? How did it go? Are you waiting for them to make the first move instead? Or, do you just come to the point where you don't care anymore?

 

Sorry.... have you actually READ your own avatar, lately........?

[YorickBrown]

Wait...not-a-drive-by is a girl?!?

 

Well, not-a-drive-by hasnt replied yet as to WHY she wants to make contact ...and she's taking time to do so...that already explains a lot (at least to my "paranoid" mind...)

 

Does your reason, rhymes with "Call me, maybe" ?!? Sorry.

 

How far along are you? Look all bets are off if Im right and your reason is what I suspect it is... I know, its not much in what way you contact him (by phone, text, or email..please dont use Facebook) to deliver the "news" But what you're gonna tell him...

 

Look, my ex-gf SHOULD have contacted me and I would have not really cared with the Hows....although I would have preferred that she gave it to me as direct as possible and to my face. It was NOT her decision alone on how to fix it...dammit...im getting angry (again)....sorry

 

PS: Congratulations btw!

Edited November 29, 2012 by YorickBrown

[not-a-drive-by]

Yes, I'm a girl o_o. And I haven't replied to any posts yet because I posted this late last night and I have been at work the whole day today. Does that explain enough?

 

I was actually looking for experiences, not really particularly reading into my situation. I find reading from other people's experiences helpful, but it feels like noone is actually answering the questions I asked. Reading all these comments above actually hasn't helped - it's made me feel worse. Hope you all had your fun...

Edited November 29, 2012 by not-a-drive-by

[kamani]

No body wanted to have fun of you! All cared for you and wanted to avoid you further pain.

 

If you want to hurt yourself, that's upto you and others can't help.

[not-a-drive-by]

It's difficult to say when you are on the receiving end. After over 2 months of NC, I know pretty well how to maintain it. To be honest, I've had pretty bad urges over these 2 months to contact him, but I didn't. I cried and did what I had to do until the time passed. Sure, I can bite my tongue and wait for the time to pass again, but it's something that has been on my mind and I want to know of other's experiences.

 

I just wanted ideas on how to open communication and how others did it, if they did in the past. It doesn't mean that I will do it. If I do end up contacting him, it will be a time when I feel like I'm ready. If I get my heart broken, I will suck it up as I have been warned.

 

It just feels like everyone jumped at me from all directions, making assumptions left, right and centre. Yes, if I want to hurt myself, it's up to me and others can't help. I just wanted to hear stories, is that really too much to ask on a forum?

Edited November 29, 2012 by not-a-drive-by

[Mint Sauce]

ok, I'll indulge you with a story.

 

After several weeks of NC, I wanted to test the waters, but email/text/phone felt too strong.

 

So instead, while she was out for lunch, I got a colleague to open the door to her office and left some fresh fruit on her desk.

 

Sure enough, a few hours later I got an email asking whether it was me who left the fruit. And whether I wanted to trade for some chocolate. So I went over there to accept the chocolate, only to be greeted by a face expressing "I'm so happy we can be normal friends after all". Ouch. Back to NC.

[spaniard]

(It seems I'm not the only one who didn't know not-a-drive-by is a girl )

 

Anyway, if you want stories, here's mine that happened 5 years ago. I was dumped on the 1st of December, 2007. I begged, went to her school to persuade her to reconcile and so on. She became more and more hostile towards me, so I chose to go NC. However during the next few months, say, from January to March we ran into each other a few times in various place (ofc sometimes I went to places where I knew she would show up). But we never talked too much.

 

We had a mutual friend who both of us talked a lot via MSN (she blocked me earlier). In March, 2008, I asked him if she were ready to talk to me. I added her so we talked again. It went on for 2 months. Sometimes she was very friendly, sometimes she was very cold. We even met few times. These 2 months were arguably the most painful 2 months of my life. Breaking NC was the worst thing I have ever done.

 

She blocked me again then, so I restarted NC not from Day 1, but from Day -38947197. I was depressed. I thought the pain would never go away.

 

Then I found a girl on a social network who looked kinda pretty and her self-description was funny. I wrote her a letter, we started to talk via MSN (she lived only 15 minutes drive from me). Eventually we met a few times, it was fine, she was cute and everything but I knew I could never fall in love with her. So we became friends. But guess what: I was no longer in love anymore. All this happened in like 3 weeks. Crazy? Yes. This girl became a very good friend of mine for 2-3 years, then she slowly disappeared from my life. She lives in another country now (but I plan to meet her when she comes back).

 

My ex? Guess what: two or three years later we started to talk again. We became sort of friends. I really like her. My ex is a very intelligent, funny girl, and now she has a boyfriend for a year or two, who exactly matches her.

 

All this helped me on my current situation. I'm now 5 months after BU, but it's sooo much different. Far less painful and I know these feelings just go away, so even when I was going thru the darkest hours, I was sort of optimist and I knew that I'd be better. And I was right

[TaraMaiden]

It seems to be that the most common and effective 'cure' for the low and desolate feeling of being alone, is to 'meet someone else', which is a good philosophy....

 

However, your motive for meeting someone else must be selfish, but with no agenda... in other words, you must be doing it for yourself, and because you really want to, it's time, and it's not to try to replace the ex.

 

I think this comes down to how much worth and value you place on yourself as an individual, without hanging your relationship identity on your ex, and measuring how special you are by the yearning for the past.

The willingness to let go of something you can't salvage has to come from you.

Rather than miss what you had, ask yourself why you're still at the point where you feel that to cut the ties that bind, is worse than being able to live freely again?

[YorickBrown]

It's difficult to say when you are on the receiving end. After over 2 months of NC, I know pretty well how to maintain it. To be honest, I've had pretty bad urges over these 2 months to contact him, but I didn't. I cried and did what I had to do until the time passed. Sure, I can bite my tongue and wait for the time to pass again, but it's something that has been on my mind and I want to know of other's experiences.

 

I just wanted ideas on how to open communication and how others did it, if they did in the past. It doesn't mean that I will do it. If I do end up contacting him, it will be a time when I feel like I'm ready. If I get my heart broken, I will suck it up as I have been warned.

 

It just feels like everyone jumped at me from all directions, making assumptions left, right and centre. Yes, if I want to hurt myself, it's up to me and others can't help. I just wanted to hear stories, is that really too much to ask on a forum?

 

Well...im the most guilty of them all with my assumption...I thought you were pregnant! Coz...like u know...you're a girl (it'd be weird if your ex-bf calls and tells you he got pregnant)...I mean, finding out that you'd be having a baby would probably be the biggest...IF NOT THE ONLY REASON to Break NC (ok maybe finding out you got some kind of deadly,life-threatening, transmittable STD might trump that).

 

If you're asking "how" right now...then, I guess what most of us (if not all) we're just jumping on you and saying "dont even think about it girl".

 

Now, I feel Im actually the only one that can give you a "story" if that's what you really wanted...."on how to best to initiate a contact with a dumper"...but it may involve a fortune-teller, witch-doctor and an ex-army intelligence officer, and I'd probably need to hire a ninja...its all too complicated right now, and if I tell you, I might need to use the ninja to kidnap you and ask the witch-doctor to put a voodoo on you if you don't break NC (after all the trouble you caused asking the how), then get the army intelligence officer to mindwipe you back to NC. The fortune-teller is just to predict when is the best day to do all these

 

 

 

PS: Not funny huh?

Yeah, that's what im hoping my ex-gf would also think...coz I'm NOT even breaking NC even with paternity issues she's messed me up with..

[not-a-drive-by]

Thanks guys, these are the responses I was looking for. I like to read and learn from other's experiences as this was my first relationship and is my first break up.

 

@YorickBrown - ha! That would be an ice breaker, wouldn't it? Surprise! I'm 5 months preg with your kid .

[Jono85]

another story of breaking NC...

 

 

bout a month ago i broke 3 months contact. half of it was me feeling like I messed it up (the last contact we had was me telling her not to bother with me anymore, when she was on a trip and supposed to be deciding whether or not to try things again with me when she got back). I just couldn't take the waiting and limbo and distant-ness, and probably messed things up further by pre-maturely starting NC (halfway into her trip, and for a really silly reason at that), but u know what, she never even responded to my text. she literally stopped "bothering with me" as I requested. ego shot.

 

anyway so fast forward to a month ago. i reach out via email (now i realize i should have just called or not even attempt it). friendly email saying how i felt bad for the way i ended things but i was becoming too emotional and didn't like the person i was becoming (ie. getting mad at her for stupid things) and needed space. i also asked her about her life and if she was seeing anyone.

 

couple days went by and she sent me a little msg saying she wasn't ignoring me but things were really busy with her. fair enough. couple days later another short response saying sorry she was still really busy but did fill me in on a few things about her life and responded lightly to my email. she also said she wasn't seeing anyone, and was too busy to see any one these days (probs a lie).

 

i told her we should hang/go out and give her a chance to get out and have some fun. she replied that she didn't know that was a good idea and that it seemed still pretty soon (3 months is too soon?). she said she'd "think about it" as she had some time off from work in november, but she didn't want any old drama to return, and also thought having drinks wasn't a good idea with me yet.

 

basically she didn't seem like she was all that excited to hang. i actually stupidly (or maybe 'smartly'..) read it as "i'm seeing a guy, and things are going well, so it's not a good idea i see u right now, but i'll contact u IF things don't turn out so well". i mean if she was actually single and not seeing anyone, what would be the harm in just meeting up hanging out? so again stupidly, i texted her guilting her, saying i guess she's right it's not a good idea to hang if she's not excited to see me and that i wasn't surprised since it seemed like i didn't exist to her anymore. i continued and said something like "don't make the next guy feel so special if ur not sure about him yet.." lol, terrible i know. she responded with "don't talk to me anymore" lol. i called her. we talked. she basically said we'd never be anything again. she broke down in tears and basically said how ****ty a boyfriend she realized i was. i apologized and also broke down in tears when she did. we said our goodbyes after a bit more talking. i texted her just casually 3 weeks later asking about her new job/boss and how it was going (b/c on the phone she never said she didn't want to ever speak to me or anything, and in fact in the email said 'i'm glad we're on speaking terms again'). she ignored my text. and so that's that. i stopped trying. this is almost 3 weeks since that text. never contacting her again, as this was the first time she's ever just ignored me, and it hurt quite a bit at the time. she's basically saying "i don't want u in my life and by just ignoring u, i really don't give a **** if we never speak again". lol...and there's my story.

[NewUser222]

I think you should do whatever your heart is telling you to do. Live with no regrets. I am currently almost 5 months broken up with my ex and I still think about her every single day. I have tried to contact her through email and texts but have received nothing at all back from her so just be ready for that rejection because it really does hurt. Regardless of what people on here say only you know yourself and you should do whatever you feel is right and who knows it may turn out a happy ending for you.

 

Best of luck

[spaniard]

I think you should do whatever your heart is telling you to do. Live with no regrets. I am currently almost 5 months broken up with my ex and I still think about her every single day. I have tried to contact her through email and texts but have received nothing at all back from her so just be ready for that rejection because it really does hurt. Regardless of what people on here say only you know yourself and you should do whatever you feel is right and who knows it may turn out a happy ending for you.

 

Best of luck

 

This is not how it works.

 

It won't turn out a happy ending.

 

She should never do what her heart is telling her to do after a break-up.

 

They broke up and the guy (as far as I know) has never tried to reach out. Yeah, she can reinitiate contact but the only thing she'll get is pain and more suffering.

[er1n]

Honestly, after a while I stopped caring...it makes sense since Im the one who cared less to begin with in initiating the break up. But of course every couple has different circumstances.

 

Its not that i literally dont care about the person anymore, its that I dont care for them in a romantic way to keep in touch on that level on a daily basis. It just doesn't cross my mind. When he contacts me, I respond, but its never constant elaborate texts, its super short ( I guess because I "don't care" ) and I don't always reply because its skips my mind sometimes :/

 

If its something you truly feel you want to do, Id send a very platonic: "hey I just wanted to see how you were doing; its been a while!" ..like I would to any friend.

[fucpcg]

I think you should do whatever your heart is telling you to do. Live with no regrets. I am currently almost 5 months broken up with my ex and I still think about her every single day. I have tried to contact her through email and texts but have received nothing at all back from her so just be ready for that rejection because it really does hurt. Regardless of what people on here say only you know yourself and you should do whatever you feel is right and who knows it may turn out a happy ending for you.

 

Best of luck

 

I've reached out to my ex endless times. I got nothing in return, but I am slowly (almost 2 years in progress) moving on at the same time, knowing I did all I could to save things with the woman I've loved most in my life. We talked of marriage and a child together, both at age 40ish so it was no little deal. I had to do what I felt was right, and do not ever regret trying to reach out to her. But again, I did have a reason, we had discussed serious life decisions at an age where we knew what we were talking about. This isn't just a passing young love story. To reach out for no good reason, is not good. I don't know the story of your relationship or breakup. I do know mine however, and I know that I did the right thing, based on what we had and what ended it all.

 

And there is one more thing I can see at my age 42, most loves come back at some point. My first love it took her 16 years to contact me after being broken up, but guess what she did. I fought for her as well, but that one didn't work either. But I knew there was love there worth fighting for. Now that we are older, wiser, and great friends again, I am glad that she always knew that I did love her and had no bitterness toward her, because that is how she found her way back to me, and glad that she did.

 

There are plenty of women in my past that I am fine with their not being anything left between us, as there was nothing there to begin with, hence them being gone and without a thought. However any woman I truly loved, and/or had a really meaningful relationship with, I still think of fondly, and 5 out of 6 of them are either still and/or again great friends of mine.

 

I don't know why you feel the need to reach out, but if there is a solid reason for it, then do it. And for the people that argue things like "OMG you're just gonna hurt yourself" well wake up, sometimes life will bring pain, especially in matters of love. If you want to be a spineless jellyfish to your beliefs because you are scared you might get hurt, well either grow some balls, or just never, ever, ever get into a relationship so that you can just avoid having to hurt ever.

 

Personally I just don't get a weak mentality, one that fears pain or fears an outcome different than what they were hoping for, this is why I never buy into the whole NC is the only way, only thing to heal. Whatever. To me running as far away as you can from a failed relationship is crap.

[CptSaveAho]

I've reached out to my ex endless times. I got nothing in return, but I am slowly (almost 2 years in progress) moving on at the same time, knowing I did all I could to save things with the woman I've loved most in my life. We talked of marriage and a child together, both at age 40ish so it was no little deal. I had to do what I felt was right, and do not ever regret trying to reach out to her. But again, I did have a reason, we had discussed serious life decisions at an age where we knew what we were talking about. This isn't just a passing young love story. To reach out for no good reason, is not good. I don't know the story of your relationship or breakup. I do know mine however, and I know that I did the right thing, based on what we had and what ended it all.

 

And there is one more thing I can see at my age 42, most loves come back at some point. My first love it took her 16 years to contact me after being broken up, but guess what she did. I fought for her as well, but that one didn't work either. But I knew there was love there worth fighting for. Now that we are older, wiser, and great friends again, I am glad that she always knew that I did love her and had no bitterness toward her, because that is how she found her way back to me, and glad that she did.

 

There are plenty of women in my past that I am fine with their not being anything left between us, as there was nothing there to begin with, hence them being gone and without a thought. However any woman I truly loved, and/or had a really meaningful relationship with, I still think of fondly, and 5 out of 6 of them are either still and/or again great friends of mine.

 

I don't know why you feel the need to reach out, but if there is a solid reason for it, then do it. And for the people that argue things like "OMG you're just gonna hurt yourself" well wake up, sometimes life will bring pain, especially in matters of love. If you want to be a spineless jellyfish to your beliefs because you are scared you might get hurt, well either grow some balls, or just never, ever, ever get into a relationship so that you can just avoid having to hurt ever.

 

Personally I just don't get a weak mentality, one that fears pain or fears an outcome different than what they were hoping for, this is why I never buy into the whole NC is the only way, only thing to heal. Whatever. To me running as far away as you can from a failed relationship is crap.

 

Perfect example of WHY we say NC is vital....

 

Lets look at the situation

-42 years old, not married, no kids

-many failed relationships

-chasing and fighting for ex's (Has yet to see that both times it DIDNT WORK)

-gets future faked and falls for it all the time

-constantly does the same thing OVER AND OVER (breaks NC) and still gets no response

-tries to lie to himself calling everyone else weak while his ways DONT work

 

If you want to succeed in relationships etc........ DO THE OPPOSITE OF THIS POSTER.