Dilemma After Dilemma (DAD)

[YorickBrown]

I've been "lurking" in these forums for several days now cause I'm "troubled"... because I "think" or "feel" that I've just become a first-time "dad". And your statement above kinda "hit me"

 

You see, my ex-gf and I broke up some months back, but she DIDN'T TELL ME she was already pregnant...I know, I know...how stupid of me to NOT KNOW right? How could I have NOT known? Im sorry I just didn't. She just suddenly "dumped" me & found someone else before I could know...It was only a week ago I found out (she posted a pic of the baby on FB and a close friend of ours jokingly that it "could be mine" --since I've been with her since Feb last year until April of this year)

 

...and suddenly a "kind of void in my soul" just set in (I cant stop thinking about it) I know, im going to have to go back and see her and get a paternity test but I feel like I've been robbed...) I was "tricked" into walking away.

 

Am I a "bad dad"?

Edited November 28, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[YorickBrown]

No, you're not a bad dad. How could you be if you didn't know? It's one thing to knowingly walk away, but no one told you anything, and the child may or may not be yours.

 

I've read some of your other posts as well, and it's understandable that you're emotional about this, but first thing is first...approach her about possible paternity.

 

I know. Im working up to it. I havent actually contacted my ex-gf yet (and I explicitly told my family and friends where she lives NOT to let her know that I kinda "suspect" something) The paternity question is really a "tricky" issue to bring up with or bring down upon her. Im not sure Im ready to approach her yet (right now, Im definitely NOT...im anxious,angry,bitter,ahhhhh...its messing me up). And, once I do get ready and able....im not "exactly" sure how to go about it.....i mean, should I bring a lawyer? Complete with a drawn out official request or something... I could, but then that'll probably make her "nervous" and maybe...well, most likely make her refuse (and run away and get a restraining on me). Then what? I feel this one of those "you get only one shot, dont mess it up" kinda situations...

 

And that's just getting a paternity...it becomes some gigantic "dangerous" problem when I get a result that's saying "you're the father!" and a custody "battle" ensues (which most likely will happen)....because then I may really turn into a "bad dad" (you know, the kind that's in the movie "Taken" or worse, I go "Law-Abiding Citizen") I know...i may just be over-reacting right now...i hope so. Best case scenario it'll just be Kramer vs Kramer thing (Dustin Hoffman's my fave anyway)

 

What if I just "forget" about getting a paternity and just let it go? Is it possible? Maybe there's an "amnesia" pill I can take? Right now...I just feel, I can't find the words...i dunno..."split", or "splintered"....even "haunted" -- i see "babies" everywhere I look lately...its insane! and its driving me nuts!

 

Do you see my predicament? Any suggestions?

[YorickBrown]

There are home based tests you can administer that requires nothing but saliva from you and the child. They run around $100.00.

 

I don't know your ex so I can't really comment specifically how to approach her, but it's been my experience that if you can approach someone in a direct, polite, and reasonable manner first it's better than pulling out your legal guns from the start. Why create a hostile environment if you don't have to?

 

If it were me, and I felt comfortable enough with this person, I would simply contact her and say that you know she had a child and due to the timing you'd like to do a test to see if the child is yours. If she refuses, that's when you need to see an attorney.

 

Getting up the nerve to do that would be my primary focus as all the other hand wringing is really premature considering. Imagining custody battles and all that is just keeping you in unnecessary turmoil. Wait until you know. That's why that would be my first priority.

 

You're right. I just need to muster up the confidence that I can do it without "cracking up". I know I have to face her and the baby eventually, I'm just embarrassed (understatement) to let her see me still hurt and that I may still love her. Should I put on my best poker face? (maybe I can practice doing that...seriously) I mean, do I play it serious or my usual joking self? Nah...my natural sarcasm might set in before I could stop it...

 

Nways, do you think I should just text her now and say I might be dropping by sometime...maybe meet her where she wants...she'll probably ask why...do I tell her the truth or just say its a "surprise"?

 

or just see her personally (with no prior calls/text) and nonchallantly ask her if I could get the test done?

 

She's the kind of person that's easy to be with but...kinda lethargic & unpredictable (as if I didnt know her like that before)...omg! ...she was like that when we we were breaking up!!! (facepalming) Now I remember! It was because she was already pregnant!!! I remember wondering about that and telling my aunt...my exact words were: "She's changed...I dont know her anymore...as if some witch doctor had cast a spell on her (at that time I was thinking her other guy-now-husband was doing it)...." (there's more to this actually, but I will just be embarrasing myself further:o...Ugh!...i could kick myself!

 

So, do I start breaking NC or just wait till I get there and ask her personally? I'm sorry for the bother...yes, im wringing my hands and face-palming..this is so unsettling..its embarrassing.

[turnera]

Get a family member or friend to go with you.

[YorickBrown]

@sadintexas, I really appreciate you taking time talking me through this. Honestly, Im really confused (and thats a very big understatement) as to why this is bothering me so much now (and that's even a bigger understatement). I mean, I took my gfs betrayal and rejection of me pretty well (I guess because I was kinda prepared for it to happen), I knew her history and tendencies --pardon my expression, to whore herself out (because of her family's needs --perhaps not only her immediate family but her entire clan). I wanted to be her knight-in-shining armor (pardon the cliche)...but I also knew that "I can take the girl away from the ghetto, but I can never really take away the ghetto from the girl". This is why I understood what she did when she probably got herself "forcibly" pregnant and married off to some rich guy (I remember even confronting him about this --he couldn't reply to me intelligibly) I think...I know that their marriage was arranged. Im sorry....Im digressing...I thought if I gave you some background, it would help you...and me process better my "worry" (this is probably the biggest understatement of all at this point)

 

I've actually kinda mapped out my "plan of attack" (yes, I have thought this thoroughly even through my worries)...and as I read my "notes" now, the reason why I'm hesitant to contact my ex and explain to her on the phone this paternity thing is 1) well, she isnt that "smart" and probably would just reject my reasoning and we'd end up fighting 2) or worse, she may "smart up" and consolidate her resources and then I'd really be in for a "fight". So, basically I do not want to give her a chance to "think it through" Also...and she will most certainly discuss this with her entire clan now (which has grown much bigger & powerful) which will make it much more difficult for me to basically just "storm the castle" so to speak...nicely of course (I just want the element of surprise on my side). Do you understand what I mean? She knows me (which made her treachery possible and necessary in the first place)...If there is a sliver of a chance that the baby is mine (and that the paternity test would prove it)....she'll know I won't stop uhmmm...my "quest". And not to sound megadramatic or epic or something...but nothing on earth or in heaven will stop me from rescuing my "real princess" this time around. This "knight" may NOT be as understanding anymore:mad:...and this time, I'm bringing an army (and they wont be lawyers and/or accountants...well, some of them might be).

 

So, I guess that kinda answers your question about my real "intentions" and where my "soul" is at right now...huh? Its not the "less" I'm worried about (or they should worry about)...its the "more" part. This is why, I am also very very hesitant about getting the paternity test ---its basically a Pandora's box.

 

 

@turnera: thanks for the suggestion. yes, i will have a "back-up" (my family would probably insist on it)...but I don't want to (and never did) find it necessary to have a "bodyguard" around with me wherever I go...even into "battle". But you are right, maybe this time just to keep things "in check" I may really need one.

Edited November 29, 2012 by YorickBrown

[YorickBrown]

Regarding the difference between a call and a personal visit, does that mean you intend to show up with a paternity test in hand? That's the only way I see the element of surprise working in your favor. Otherwise, it's the same difference to me.

 

Whichever path you think is best is okay. A call versus a visit makes no real difference as far as I'm concerned. I was just trying to save you the angst over her 'seeing' you in the state you were concerned about.

 

You'd mentioned before that she was easy to get along with so I assumed she was more mature and level headed than what I'm getting from you now.

 

Uhmm...what I mean is if I start calling (or texting) her now she might get upset, at the very least surprised, and suspect I may have something cooking because we've been on NC for quite awhile. I simply cannot tell her over the phone and ask if I could get a paternity test -- chances are she would refuse "why bother? its really not yours" | "even if it is yours, you know you can't do anything about it" | "Ok, get me a court order first" and a whole slew of excuses....then, I get "upset". I simply could not risk the conversation going that road. I think the best way is to just "catch her off-guard"...I dunno...I don't want to make a big deal about this than it probably is...but I also don't want to "underestimate" her now -- I mean, how devious and unreasonable and cold-blooded she can be (especially now she has considerable resources at her disposal---that's why she married into a rich family --her clan set it up and probably "forced" her into it...again, I dunno for sure, but this is probably a very likely scenario of what happened) She and her family are quite poor you see and her marrying rich was their meal-ticket quite literally.

 

Uhmmm...when I said she was "easy to get along" or "easy to talk to" it meant that....you know, she was an "easy girl"... uhmm.. "mature and level-headed" would not exactly be synonymous to describe her with that description, especially since she's only in her early twenties...I am...i mean, was the "mature and level-headed" person in our relationship. So much so I think that I kinda "ignored at first, and eventually accepted her for who she really was (i thought if I could just get her out there)" even though I knew that she (and her family) would stab me in the back eventually. So when she finally did (found herself a wealthy boyfriend), I knew it was time for me to walk away already. I didnt put up much of a fight...I know, I know, I played the coward & fool......but I loved her so much then that I just wanted her to be happy with her life and move on....but this baby (which could be mine), changes all that "acceptance & understanding" and I cant move on....I just cant. I dunno why...I cant explain it...its like Im being "haunted" (I see babies wherever I go now, and it breaks my heart --what's left of it) Do you know what I mean?

 

I'll get the paternity any which way I can, but when I get the results--and it turns out positive...Man, a whole lot of other clusterf*ck can happen. That's why Im trying to see if I can somehow still "kill" these "feelings" of mine about the baby...so I wont have to do the test. "There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant" ---especially if the wise man may turn into a "wise guy" or worse, turns to "wise guys". If you were sadinjersey instead of sadintexas --you probably get my drift.

[Balzac]

What's the appeal of her to Mr Rich? Youth?

There is something I'm missing.

 

I feel your pain though. I think phone convo would be an epic fail.

[YorickBrown]

What's the appeal of her to Mr Rich? Youth?

There is something I'm missing.

 

I feel your pain though. I think phone convo would be an epic fail.

 

Well that, and she is very poor, very pretty and lets just say, very "pliable". It was a perfect walk in the park for Mr. Rich ---pregnant or not. Plus, her family obviously was going to choose him over me...he had everything going for him not only because his family is wealthy but they're powerful as well...and he had friggin home-court advantage.

 

Look, im no pushover, and maybe I should have fought for her a lot more, but in the end, I realized she "wasnt really worth it" and besides, I did not want to start a "war" that would spin out of control...for what? A whore? (sorry, but that's what it boiled down to)

But this baby though (for some very very unexplicable reason on my part) is stirring feelings which is driving me nuts...I let them draw "first blood" and I let it slide...this one....this one is gonna be bloody epic if I dont get it under control.

[turnera]

Look. If it's your kid, you go to a lawyer, who goes to her lawyer, and you agree on child support (until she gets married) AND your time with your child for the next 18 years. If you don't WANT to pay child support and want to relinquise your rights, you do nothing. That's really all there is to this.

[YorickBrown]

Look. If it's your kid, you go to a lawyer, who goes to her lawyer, and you agree on child support (until she gets married) AND your time with your child for the next 18 years. If you don't WANT to pay child support and want to relinquise your rights, you do nothing. That's really all there is to this.

 

Thanks. You make it sound so...."detached" and "clinical". Which, I know, is probably the best way to go about this (for her and her current husband). But any good lawyer that knows whatever I do, Im already on the losing end of this. Heck, I know and I'm not even a lawyer although, I think I could argue out this in court on my own more passionately than any hot-shot attorney ---yeah, and still lose.

 

Look. I appreciate the sound advice. I really do. But no lawyers yet--the attorney-client privilege is....lets just say, sounds good only in the movies from where I am. Besides, if I have any chance of at least a "draw" or some sort of leverage...it wont be in the courts of law definitely...uhmmm...but maybe in the court of public opinion...but even there is a long shot..

 

Hmmm..there is actually something I could try (still legal)...now that I've thought about this (since you opened it up)...I'll keep you posted...maybe. Thanks again.

[turnera]

Legal is legal. If you are proven to legally be the baby's father you instantly have legal rights.

[YorickBrown]

What's the appeal of her to Mr Rich? Youth?

There is something I'm missing.

I feel your pain though. I think phone convo would be an epic fail.

 

You know what, that 2nd statement you just said, made me think...

The 1st one made me focus on my ex...yeah, she's beautiful, needy, young, easy to "buy off" etc...but I kinda failed to ask what's Mr. Rich is like?

 

What would make him really "buy off" my ex basically, IF he knew she was already pregnant with my child....and marry her...I mean, ok...maybe he's really smitten with my ex (that I could understand), perhaps the chance to play "hero" and martyr....Perfect right? I thought....well, "there is still something missing"...Then I remember a phone conversation I had with Mr.Rich...he said "I know where you come from, your family, your clan...you're good people" something like that, like he had me "investigated" my background..my lineage basically (at that time I was fuming of course, and I thought he was threatening me...coz I kinda threatened him first). Now that I think about it, and the other brief conversations with him and my ex....it seemed like it was some sort of "business arrangement" among them (my ex-gf always bragged that she was at heart, a businesswoman)....and the baby was the "product". Of course, I had no idea at that time, coz I was getting dumped. You understand what Im getting at?

 

Mr. Rich is impotent/sterile or something (maybe even gay)....and I just provided them with a baby. My Ex gets what she wants for her and her family ---the good life. Mr. Rich gets what he wants...plus more --he got a trophy wife and a baby (with a very good genetic background, if I might add) he can claim as his own, with no one the wiser of his sterility problem. I get nothing, I was the unwitting sperm donor. The Perfect "mark" for the long con --- someone who won't be sticking around to make any scene.

 

Even if the paternity test shows that the baby is actually mine...its too late already...she's already married to him, by law...the baby is his. Of course, that paternity test will never even happen (because that will stir up a *****storm of a scandal for them)

 

Screwed right? Right from the get go probably. Well, what do you think I should do now? In a perfect world: The PT shows, I am the biological father. I also prove that Mr.Rich is impotent/sterile. I blow the scandal wide open. Somehow I get sole custody of the baby from my Ex....Darn it...aaagggghhh...I can't even come up with a perfect world scenario without involving a time machine.....or something that involves..(i cant say it, just think it).

 

PS: this is probably why, my ex kept calling/texting me during that time, and kept asking how I was..trying to keep tabs of my whereabouts (I kept NC)...coz if I had "discovered" the con earlier...I could have pieced it together...But still, even if I did manage to do that....what could have I done differently?!?

[YorickBrown]

Legal is legal. If you are proven to legally be the baby's father you instantly have legal rights.

 

I just got off the phone with a lawyer (against my better judgement, but I had to get it off my chest) I already knew what he had to say about it. Basically, "You're screwed". I said he was basically also "preaching to the choir" so to speak.

 

Biological doesnt mean or equal to legal. A birth certificate signed by a legally married husband trumps a positive paternity test result signed by an ISO-certified impartial DNA laboratory. The Arbitrary Law on Paternity (at least here in our country) trumps Exact Science in this case.

 

Besides, once both sides go to legal remedies....a paternity test would almost be impossible to ask for, right? What I need is a "_ _ _ _ _ cal" strike at this point, to get a paternity test done.

[YorickBrown]

What country are you in?

 

All of that sounds very backwards to what I know of the law with regards to paternity.

 

I kinda knew you'd ask that eventually....and I am tempted to answer: "The Wild, Wild, West..." because it can be that way at certain times (especially when elections come up). In any case, let me just state the obvious: Im NOt in the US of A.

Actually, we're pretty much a democracy just like you are and most of our laws are actually patterned after yours...but hey, "having laws" is very different from "enforcing them". Besides, paternity laws even in the US don't actually favor fathers (biological or legal) right? Doesn't favor the father at all in most cases (even in the movies). Remember Kramer vs Kramer? And that was between divorced couples (what chance does an ex-bf have then?) The only movie i can think of right now (and only because I "researched" it) where a father won custody is Steve Martin's A Simple Twist of Fate (and only because it was between two fathers! and guess who won --well, just watch the movie if you can get it). I digress...

 

All im saying is Paternity whether it be legal or moral or scientific is NOT an ordinary thing to "question" here in my country, like everything else, but this most especially...can easily be swept under the rug or buried in the mud. And sometimes (most of the time) you have to, because it can not only be "tricky" to do so, but dangerous as well for the wife/mother and child (because there is no divorce and legal annulment can take years and lots of money). A married man here may not be able to accept that its not his child his wife bore him....unless it was planned all along that way. Finally, if you've heard the saying: "Blood runs thicker than Water" which is very true here, then you know what I have to accept also and live with...or not accept at all and die for.