Three and a half year update.

[Logik]

No more dwelling on the loss. No more pain or hurt. No more wanting her back - at all. So it sounds like everything's rosy? Well.

 

One little niggle. I feel as if I'm broken. I don't see any future where any woman would accept me as I am. I guess I feel that I'm undatable. Doesn't play well with others. It doesn't feel like I'm worthy or deserve it. I really feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel like an empty, faux human. Not at all like the other children. People will, and have said otherwise, but they don't really know me. I'm bitter and tainted beyond any sort of full recovery. And even if I was, recovery to what?

 

I guess that's what happens. Once bitten.

 

I wrote this piece this morning, trying to explain to someone what I was feeling. Might make sense to you...

 

Picture this. A gallery. Lots of rooms. People wandering around, looking at the pictures on display. Some pictures get more attention than others. They're all categorised and hung around pictures that are similar. There's a room in the far corner of the gallery. Really badly lit, only by the ambient light of adjacent rooms. Most people just peer in and walk away with disinterest. The room is empty except for one solitary picture. It's not even hung up. It's on the floor leaning against the wall, half covered by a sheet. It used to hang proud in the rooms with plenty light. It sometimes even got lots of attention and moved into more popular spots. But not any more. The glass is broken. This distorts the picture itself. Nobody wanted to see it any more. It doesn't want to see people either. It's view of them is also distorted by the broken glass. It's happy enough to sit there, half hidden from the sideways glances, yet yearns for being displayed in its former glory. But it's too broken. No new glass would ever fit into the bent frame.

 

fin

[worldgonewrong]

Think of the person you were BEFORE she broke you. You must get in touch with your original self.

I guarantee that you are datable, desirable, and FIXable.

Perception of one's self is everything - it affects how we interact with others, how others perceive us, etc.

Get in touch with the inner guy you once were - he still exists. He's scared to come out. But once you let him come out, he'll take over.

Doubt, fear, insecurity - nothing can be built from that. Remove those things from the equation, step by step, and in subtle (or big) degrees, the world opens up to you again. I swear it.

[Yasuandio]

A work of art can be displayed without a frame and glass. Yas

[Logik]

We can only base our perception of ourselves on how people treat us and how they react to us. That's all we have.

[BetrayedH]

We can only base our perception of ourselves on how people treat us and how they react to us. That's all we have.

 

This quote is your whole problem.

[tojaz]

We can only base our perception of ourselves on how people treat us and how they react to us. That's all we have.

 

We as individuals have the choice of what we choose to base our self worth on. Some attention from those we chose to surround ourselves with can be very rewarding, and it sure does feel nice.

 

However, if I based my value solely on what was in the eyes of the people who viewed me, I would go mad because people can be fickle and what is todays work of art can just as easily be seen as tomorrows trash.

 

Believe your own vision of yourself, turn the lights on and let the world see it. There will be those who pass by, there will be those that try to degrade it for their own ends. That says nothing about the piece though, just the person viewing it.

 

TOJAZ

[Logik]

I guess I'm just tired. And bitter. I blame myself as much as I blame the world.

[worldgonewrong]

If you do the same, you will be surprised at how women respond to you.

 

Barnacle-Bob is spot on.

 

If I'd still been stuck in depressive mode, I would've never made the connection with my new girlfriend. She would've seen a sad-sack and just, understandably, run away.

But I spent a lot of time, prior to meeting her, getting it all out of my system -- yes, allow yourself to grieve. You have to. It feels like you're crawling through a minefield strewn with broken glass. I get it. But you WILL emerge from the other side. The only people who 'blow up' in that metaphorical minefield are the ones who allow it to happen, the ones who capitulate to their wayward spouse -- and if you do capitulate (become overwhelmed with sadness), you're essentially handing over your life to her. Don't. You weren't BORN to be her savior. Nobody has that responsibility to each other, except a parent to his/her children.

But build your confidence back bit-by-bit; it's slow, but eventually becomes easier. You begin to remember who YOU were, prior to meeting your deranged spouse. You begin to like yourself, respect yourself more. People in general respond to other people's own sense of personal awareness - be it in work relationships, friendships, or love relationships. So...well, you'll get there.

[aMguilts]

No more dwelling on the loss. No more pain or hurt. No more wanting her back - at all. So it sounds like everything's rosy? Well.

 

One little niggle. I feel as if I'm broken. I don't see any future where any woman would accept me as I am. I guess I feel that I'm undatable. Doesn't play well with others. It doesn't feel like I'm worthy or deserve it. I really feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel like an empty, faux human. Not at all like the other children. People will, and have said otherwise, but they don't really know me. I'm bitter and tainted beyond any sort of full recovery. And even if I was, recovery to what?

 

I guess that's what happens. Once bitten.

 

I wrote this piece this morning, trying to explain to someone what I was feeling. Might make sense to you...

 

Picture this. A gallery. Lots of rooms. People wandering around, looking at the pictures on display. Some pictures get more attention than others. They're all categorised and hung around pictures that are similar. There's a room in the far corner of the gallery. Really badly lit, only by the ambient light of adjacent rooms. Most people just peer in and walk away with disinterest. The room is empty except for one solitary picture. It's not even hung up. It's on the floor leaning against the wall, half covered by a sheet. It used to hang proud in the rooms with plenty light. It sometimes even got lots of attention and moved into more popular spots. But not any more. The glass is broken. This distorts the picture itself. Nobody wanted to see it any more. It doesn't want to see people either. It's view of them is also distorted by the broken glass. It's happy enough to sit there, half hidden from the sideways glances, yet yearns for being displayed in its former glory. But it's too broken. No new glass would ever fit into the bent frame.

 

fin

 

hi logik

 

personally

I`d want to go in the room that`s dark, i`d want to see what`s hidden and then, depending what was hidden, i`ll make my mind up then.

 

The right glazier can fit any glass to any frame

 

aM

[Steen719]

Barnacle-Bob is spot on.

 

If I'd still been stuck in depressive mode, I would've never made the connection with my new girlfriend. She would've seen a sad-sack and just, understandably, run away.

But I spent a lot of time, prior to meeting her, getting it all out of my system -- yes, allow yourself to grieve. You have to. It feels like you're crawling through a minefield strewn with broken glass. I get it. But you WILL emerge from the other side. The only people who 'blow up' in that metaphorical minefield are the ones who allow it to happen, the ones who capitulate to their wayward spouse -- and if you do capitulate (become overwhelmed with sadness), you're essentially handing over your life to her. Don't. You weren't BORN to be her savior. Nobody has that responsibility to each other, except a parent to his/her children.

But build your confidence back bit-by-bit; it's slow, but eventually becomes easier. You begin to remember who YOU were, prior to meeting your deranged spouse. You begin to like yourself, respect yourself more. People in general respond to other people's own sense of personal awareness - be it in work relationships, friendships, or love relationships. So...well, you'll get there.

 

Oh, I so like this!!! You are awesome, WGW and I am glad something good has come your way.

[aMguilts]

Barnacle-Bob is spot on.

 

If I'd still been stuck in depressive mode, I would've never made the connection with my new girlfriend. She would've seen a sad-sack and just, understandably, run away.

But I spent a lot of time, prior to meeting her, getting it all out of my system -- yes, allow yourself to grieve. You have to. It feels like you're crawling through a minefield strewn with broken glass. I get it. But you WILL emerge from the other side. The only people who 'blow up' in that metaphorical minefield are the ones who allow it to happen, the ones who capitulate to their wayward spouse -- and if you do capitulate (become overwhelmed with sadness), you're essentially handing over your life to her. Don't. You weren't BORN to be her savior. Nobody has that responsibility to each other, except a parent to his/her children.

But build your confidence back bit-by-bit; it's slow, but eventually becomes easier. You begin to remember who YOU were, prior to meeting your deranged spouse. You begin to like yourself, respect yourself more. People in general respond to other people's own sense of personal awareness - be it in work relationships, friendships, or love relationships. So...well, you'll get there.

 

worldgonewrong

have you left it yet?

YOU talk in pretense? a LOT of `you`s?

 

Maybe pretense is not the right word? opinionated?

I really cant remember, it`ll come to me.

 

Ah crap help?!!

 

sorry op for the TJ

aM

[worldgonewrong]

I don't understand what you're saying, aM.

[Logik]

Barnacle-Bob is spot on.

 

If I'd still been stuck in depressive mode, I would've never made the connection with my new girlfriend. She would've seen a sad-sack and just, understandably, run away.

But I spent a lot of time, prior to meeting her, getting it all out of my system -- yes, allow yourself to grieve. You have to. It feels like you're crawling through a minefield strewn with broken glass. I get it. But you WILL emerge from the other side. The only people who 'blow up' in that metaphorical minefield are the ones who allow it to happen, the ones who capitulate to their wayward spouse -- and if you do capitulate (become overwhelmed with sadness), you're essentially handing over your life to her. Don't. You weren't BORN to be her savior. Nobody has that responsibility to each other, except a parent to his/her children.

But build your confidence back bit-by-bit; it's slow, but eventually becomes easier. You begin to remember who YOU were, prior to meeting your deranged spouse. You begin to like yourself, respect yourself more. People in general respond to other people's own sense of personal awareness - be it in work relationships, friendships, or love relationships. So...well, you'll get there.

 

Here's the thing. I'm not in depressive mode any more. I have emerged from the other side. I am who I was before, only now, I can clearly see what that is. I have more than enough self confidence. I'm not the problem. The problem comes when I have to interact with others of my species.

 

I've just given up on the rest of us. There is no way that I could ever trust anybody again, in any way. Everything that I believed whilst growing up has turned out to be a farce - and I mean everything. I always struggled to understand other people and it's gotten so much worse over time. I guess I'm just standing aside. The divide between me and the rest of the world is widening.

 

But who knows. Maybe that one person will come along, if that person exists. But I'm not waiting whilst holding my breath because that would start the cycle over again.

[GuyInLimbo]

I guess I'm just tired. And bitter. I blame myself as much as I blame the world.

 

Well, you can't move forward until you get past all of that sh*t. Blame yourself for what? A failed relationship? Everyone has them at some point in their lives. You are a worthy human being and deserving of love. You are the one holding yourself back. You need to love yourself again. Something's still holding you back. And that shouldn't be after 3.5 years. Your negative experience has tainted your view of everyone and you are painting every person you meet with the same brush, which is unfair to you and them. You're missing out on a lot of good people.

 

What do you do in your free time? Are you pursuing your interests? Are you spending time with friends? Are you seeing a therapist?

 

You say you're not in depressive mode anymore, but you sure as hell had me fooled.

[pteromom]

Here's the thing. I'm not in depressive mode any more. I have emerged from the other side. I am who I was before, only now, I can clearly see what that is. I have more than enough self confidence. I'm not the problem.

 

Yes you are. If you weren't the problem, you wouldn't describe yourself as a broken picture in a dark room in a gallery.

 

You may have come a long way, and you may be getting to know yourself again, but you aren't there yet.

 

I've just given up on the rest of us. There is no way that I could ever trust anybody again, in any way. Everything that I believed whilst growing up has turned out to be a farce - and I mean everything. I always struggled to understand other people and it's gotten so much worse over time. I guess I'm just standing aside. The divide between me and the rest of the world is widening.

 

When you truly gain confidence in yourself, you will be able to once again open yourself to others. Because you will know that you will be OK, no matter what they do. If you open up to another woman, and she ends up being a cheater, you will be able to be GLAD to be rid of someone like that. If someone isn't ready to commit, you will be able to walk away, because you will demand more than that for yourself. It doesn't mean you will never hurt, of course, but you will know that you are OK no matter what others do or think.

 

You get to build your own gallery, one with only one magnificent piece lighted from all sides. You get to invite people into that gallery, and let them choose if it is a place they want to hang out or not. But even if some people do not like the gallery, it doesn't mean that the piece of art on display has no value. Art is subjective.

 

But who knows. Maybe that one person will come along, if that person exists. But I'm not waiting whilst holding my breath because that would start the cycle over again.

 

Just live your life. Get back into being social. Don't worry about dating or when/if it will happen. Just focus on learning to enjoy life on a social level, so that you have connections to people again.

[2.50 a gallon]

After my break up I was like you.

 

The problem was I very much enjoyed sex, which meant that I had to deal with women, but my guard was constantly up, women and love were not to be trusted ever again.

 

My motto was "I'm never going to fall in loe again" The hint that love might be coming down the street had me dead bolting the front door, out the back door and two blocks down the alley before love even reached my sidewalk. I was so paranoid that one time I packed up my things and moved a thousand miles back to my home town as I felt she was getting too close.

 

Two years later, new girl friend, second date, first kiss, and cupid shot me in the butt. I thought that I had reached a point in my life where I truly liked living alone. Coming home that night for the first time in over 15 years I was lonely.

 

It took awhile, for her to fall in love with me, while I had to work on learning how to trust again.

 

I still don't think that I mistreated my Ex, but I did learn from the experience, and am doing things this time just a little bit different. I must be doing it right this time, as we have now been together for over 17 years, and I once again believe in love.

 

And the best part is she is so much better than the Ex, kinder, sweeter, more giving and more understanding. And even better, a search of the web I found a photo of the Ex, the 30 years have been hard on her, while my lady is still eye candy in a bathing suit

 

If it happened to me, more than likely it will happen to you.

[Logik]

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I'm not getting my exact feelings across in the words, since I'm not a poet. I guess I'll just leave it there then, rather than try elaborate, because it keeps coming across wrong.

[2sunny]

We can only base our perception of ourselves on how people treat us and how they react to us. That's all we have.

 

That is completely backwards.

 

You couldn't be more wrong.

[aMguilts]

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I'm not getting my exact feelings across in the words, since I'm not a poet. I guess I'll just leave it there then, rather than try elaborate, because it keeps coming across wrong.

 

hey Logik

 

No, carry on, don`t give up so easilly!

 

We`re all behind you( well i am).

 

keep posting, it will help

 

aM

[Logik]

I guess I just don't believe in marriage any more. I don't believe people are trustworthy either. Nobody actually cares about anything but themselves. I've gotten to a point where I'm embarrassed to be part of the human race. I suppose that's why I've never really felt like I was part of it anyway.

 

End rant.

[willowthewisp]

I don't believe people are trustworthy either. Nobody actually cares about anything but themselves.

 

I totally rleate and agree with this aspect of what you are feeling Logik. I too am 3 years and 9 months out and I have not had a relationship since. Not because I cannot trust but because I am not what men want. People, men and women in today's society see everything and everyone as disposable, a person becomes disposable when they no longer have use, they no longer have use when they do not meet the wants of the other person who is only thinking of themself and when you don't provide everything they want they leave, whether that be after years of marriage or date 5.

 

The problem is you and I and others like us desire a relationship because it is only natural to want to be loved. Unfortunately, you are absolutely correct, we do not fit in. Personally I have come to accept that I would rather be alone than turn into one of these self centred nasty pieces just so I can have a boyfriend. It's taken a long time and lot of heartache.

[Mumbles]

Everything that I believed whilst growing up has turned out to be a farce - and I mean everything. I always struggled to understand other people and it's gotten so much worse over time. /QUOTE]

 

Ahh, I certainly recognise this particular monkey on my back.

 

The loss of all I'd come to believe would be true, from childhood right through to adulthood and finally marriage. I thought I was living the dream, but, alas, it _is_ all a dream and the promise is just a fantasy.

 

3 years since my separation and I think I'm fully over that loss. It's been a struggle and I've learned a lot about myself. I feel more wide awake now than I've ever been in my life.

 

But I wonder if I am still grieving the loss of the dream of a happy life and happy wife by my side ... not my ex-wife of course, but the seed/idea of marriage that was planted when I was a young boy.

[Mumbles]

{forums having problems ... double post sorry}

Edited December 9, 2012 by Mumbles

[aMguilts]

I guess I just don't believe in marriage any more. I don't believe people are trustworthy either. Nobody actually cares about anything but themselves. I've gotten to a point where I'm embarrassed to be part of the human race. I suppose that's why I've never really felt like I was part of it anyway.

 

End rant.

 

Logik

 

Yes you feel like that now but it will get better IF you allow it too.

Don`t paint everyone with the same brush. There are more good people than bad. One rotten apple doesn`t spoil the tree.

 

keep posting, it will help you

 

Hope you are ok

aM

[health]

I think you have more healing to do. If people are angry at their exes, the opposite sex in general they haven't healed.

 

I'm 4 years out of a 5 year + relationship.

 

I'm excited cause I'm going back to school, just got a new apartment, I feel free, I've achieved alot. I show my love.

 

Healing is everything.

 

I feel complete within myself these days. I do want a relationship, but it's like my self growth has become more exciting these days lol