Jump to content

it's over.


Recommended Posts

kiss_andmakeup

Well, it's over. I had feared that my boyfriend's long-term commitment issues would eventually be the end of us, but I pushed that fear deep, deep into the depths of my psyche because I was so in love with him (and, I believed, he with me).

 

He told me on Thanksgiving that he's arrived at the conclusion that he'll never want to marry or even settle down. Marriage wasn't an absolute necessity for me, but eventually settling down for the long-term, and building a life together, would be.

 

I never pressured him, never set a "timeline", and in fact it had been over six months since I had even asked him how he felt about marriage or living together.

 

I would really rather not go into the "why" because to be honest, when he tells me his reasons, it's like listening to a foreign language. It makes no literal sense to me. I spent days trying to figure it out and reason with him but it's a pointless exercise. I guess the bottom line was that, despite our perfect compatibility emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically, and even in terms of our interests and tastes; this is one very important arena in which we are not compatible.

 

I gave him every out. Told him that if this was actually just that he didn't love me anymore, didn't feel that "spark" anymore, wanted to see other people, or even if there was someone else, I would get it. I would still be completely crushed, but I would understand it more than I understand this, and it would be easier to cope with. But he stuck to his guns. So I'm done wondering about it and trying to reason with it: it's not my problem anymore.

 

The silver lining is that I am so glad this happened now, instead of in 2 years, god forbid 5 years, god forbid 10 years. I'm 25 and I have my whole life ahead of me.

 

The first few days were unbearable. I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't go 5 minutes without sobbing. Every favourite song, movie, funny joke, favourite restaurant, dumb commercial we used to laugh at...literally everything...made me think of him. It was so painful. I've never experienced anything like this in my life.

 

I think the turning point was Monday morning. For the first time, I got really angry. Not directly at him, because we're going NC (my request, and I've deleted his number), but at him in my mind. I thought of all the times he mentioned us moving in together, I thought of the trips he planned for us for next spring, specifically asking me where I'd want to go if I could go anywhere. I thought of the fact that he admittedly lied about why his last relationship ended (hint: it's a lot like why this one ended, not because she cheated on him as he so claimed). We had been in an exclusive, committed relationship for a year and a half. We've taken trips together, had keys to each others' places, and when we were apart, he initiated contact via phone and texting regularly if not almost constantly. All signs were go. All signs pointed to "this guy is committed to me." So I realized that although it came down to incompatibility, that still, I was wronged. I was a wonderful, loyal, faithful, giving, and dedicated girlfriend, and I couldn't have done anything differently. I did nothing wrong. I gave my heart to him, fully, and that was not a mistake (as I initially believed it to be), it was just me being me, loving someone.

 

Today is the first day I'll say I feel genuinely good. I know I'll have moments where I want to cry, because I always do. I know I'll see something that makes me think of him and get sad, because it always happens. But I'm getting better at fighting it off, recovering from it. I'm getting more resilient.

 

My friends and family have been incredible. It's funny; you never realize how many people truly care about you until something like this happens. I am literally surrounded by love. I actually feel more loved than I have in a long time. And I have no doubt that that is a major player in my overcoming this.

 

If you're even considering posting some misogynistic, anti-commitment, "he's a smart man because no man should ever commit to a woman because they are disposable/replaceable/sex objects/gold-diggers/trash," don't. I'll just report it. I'm coping with this, and I'm actually very proud of how far I've come in less than a week. I don't need to read any of that bullish*t right now.

 

I guess I'm not really asking for advice, but I feel like LS is my family in some way, and I wanted to keep you guys posted. I'm finally seeing not just that I'm going to be okay, but just how okay I'll be. I'm going back to work today and I thought I would dread it, but I'm looking forward to it. Endings are beginnings.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hugs to you! Sad you are dealing with all of this pain. :( As you said, perhaps as painful as it is, it is better you found out now. That doesn't take the pain away though.

 

Yes, LS can be like a family when we need support. I have no doubt that others will feel the sadness that I felt knowing that you loved this guy and great hopes for your future.

 

And yes, you are young and have your future ahead of you. When this pain passes, maybe another door will open.

 

Thinking of you. :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ohh I'm sooooo sorry to hear all of this! :( You guys always seemed like you had a great relationship. I'm glad you are dealing with it okay, as best as you can anyway--you are a very strong girl! You have a really good head on your shoulders, and are doing it the right way (no contact, deleting his #)...you'll heal much more quickly this way so good job.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater

I'm sorry, Kiss.

 

My timing is probably bad, but one of the first things that popped to mind is Art's sig, which runs along the lines of Someday you'll meet the one who makes you understand why all of your previous relationships didn't work out.

 

You've got the entire world in front of you. It'll be okay.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh dear, I am very sorry to read this :(.

 

I'm glad your going to be OK right now though, and things will definitely be getting better for you :).

 

Sending positive chi ;)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear what happened...

 

You are a beautiful girl inside and out. That fact will never change with or without a man.

 

When you feel down, just remember there's no way but up. Just try to be strong and continue to bask in the love of your family and friends. Love yourself first more than anything else.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm glad I came across this. I am in the same situation as you. I have been with my guy for 1.5 years and he has commitment issues. We have been so back and forth though it makes my head spin. The minute I make a change to move on from him, he won't let me go. He keeps trying to get me back. But he has told me that he will never be married and that "I'm not the one" But yet, he tells me how he loves me and means it, I'm only the 3rd girl he said it too, tells me he wants me in his life, cares for me, kisses me, hugs me etc. Even when we tried to be friends, he wouldn't let it be. He wanted to kiss me and hold me and I was the one to say no. It's confusing. I don't understand why I man can love us but not commit to us. It's hard. I'm right there with you. But like you said, at least it wasn't a 5 year relationship. Don't go back to him because nothing will change. Take it from me.

 

I still cling onto hope. I still think that if I let him go he will realize what he had and want me all the way. But that's not the case. They will never change.

 

Go to Google and search "Mr Unavailable: baggage reclaim" Her site has helped me understand things and realize that these Mr Unavailables will never change and that we aren't the problem, they are.

 

You are strong for letting him go. That takes courage and pride for yourself. Good for you. I know how hard it is to leave someone you love. But time will heal everything and you will find someone who can return that love.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

 

The silver lining is that I am so glad this happened now, instead of in 2 years, god forbid 5 years, god forbid 10 years. I'm 25 and I have my whole life ahead of me.

 

This, Kiss.

This a million times over.

It's refreshing to read about a smart woman cutting bait instead of wasting years (and her dignity) on a lost cause.

May your heart heal quickly.

I'm sorry it's been painful.

 

Oh, and fellas, the line forms on the left.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, Kiss. :(

 

You're a very strong person and you're so smart for recognizing that there's no point in trying to figure out what his problem is. You're better off just closing this chapter and moving on, even if you can't understand why he won't commit. The way you're handling all this pain is really admirable. You've definitely got a good head on your shoulders!

 

I hope you heal well from this. Take care of yourself and go do something fun with friends. :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
kiss_andmakeup

As always, wonderful support. Thank you to each and every one of you.

 

I'm glad I came across this. I am in the same situation as you. I have been with my guy for 1.5 years and he has commitment issues. We have been so back and forth though it makes my head spin. The minute I make a change to move on from him, he won't let me go. He keeps trying to get me back. But he has told me that he will never be married and that "I'm not the one" But yet, he tells me how he loves me and means it, I'm only the 3rd girl he said it too, tells me he wants me in his life, cares for me, kisses me, hugs me etc. Even when we tried to be friends, he wouldn't let it be. He wanted to kiss me and hold me and I was the one to say no. It's confusing. I don't understand why I man can love us but not commit to us. It's hard. I'm right there with you. But like you said, at least it wasn't a 5 year relationship. Don't go back to him because nothing will change. Take it from me.

 

Youngnlove89, I agree, and I hope you read my post a couple of times. I would really advise against continuing down the path you're headed with your boyfriend. I am not saying that my experience speaks for all experiences, but I do think there's a point where you need to cut your losses. Feel free to PM me if you want advice or just to talk. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
BehindBlueEyes

I can't stand men that get watered down so fast.

 

For me I can tell from the start if this is someone I can make the long run with, shouldn't have to work up to it or re-kindle a spark. Everytime she pulls in the drive-way my heart would go pitter pat or going to the movies with her would be just like the first time everytime.

 

I can't stand all this "have to work to make the relationship work" it's all a bunch of crap IMO..... Either yo uknow it's true or you don't and stop wasting someone's damn time trying to entice yourself that it is true....either wash your hands or get the hell out of the way lol.

 

Hope someday, you, Kiss will find that guy that KNOWS you're the one and never loses the spark for you.....That's the dude you need, but don't waste a bunch of time "lookin" he'll come to you, just let it roll.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Some men simply don't want to get married. If a person can fall in love with 1 out of every 8 people they get to know, there are 600 million out there, divided by 8 is 75 million. There's a 50% chance the 2nd is better than the 1st, the 3rd better than the 2nd, and so on. In other words there's always another person that's as good as or better than the last one. Some men don't want to grab on to one and that's it for the rest of their life. Couples get tired of each other, looks fade. Maybe he prefers to live alone, not have a roommate. I know I do. If you live in a big city, I bet you could find 100, 1000, 10000 guys similar to your boyfriend. This concept of clinging to 1 only in your life isn't for everyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
charlietheginger

Sorry to hear this....

 

Your young your beautiful got your life

Ahead of you

Im glad it didnt happen 5 10 yrs down the road

 

Learn from this and use what you learned

Life is one big learing experience

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oxy Moronovich

I once told you to move out of Michigan. But did you listen to me? Noooo. Your heartbreak wouldn't be as bad if you didn't live in Michigan.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, it's definitely his loss, not yours. You're very eloquent, emotionally mature, and lovely. He's just a moron.

 

I'm glad you're realizing a lot of these things so quickly. It took me five weeks to realize that my old ex (two years ago) was just a jerk and that I could do better. :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Everything happens for a reason and like you said it is a good thing that it happened now and not 5 or 10 years down the road.

 

You did everything right and so did he, but in the end the compatibility differed.

 

Keep your head up high because you'll be alright.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, it's over. I had feared that my boyfriend's long-term commitment issues would eventually be the end of us, but I pushed that fear deep, deep into the depths of my psyche because I was so in love with him (and, I believed, he with me).

 

He told me on Thanksgiving that he's arrived at the conclusion that he'll never want to marry or even settle down. Marriage wasn't an absolute necessity for me, but eventually settling down for the long-term, and building a life together, would be.

 

I never pressured him, never set a "timeline", and in fact it had been over six months since I had even asked him how he felt about marriage or living together.

 

Endings are beginnings.

 

Hey kiss_andmakeup,

 

I'm rather sorry about your current situation. I read your story and know the feeling all too well (the same thing happened to me a few years ago). I bolded some aspects of your story that really stood out to me, hopefully my sharing helps you a bit :)

 

Late 2008 I met a guy who I thought was great. I introduced him to my family, we were together all the time, I met his child, I met his family, I stayed over at his place quite a lot, we planned trips, we talked about marriage (on his initiation) and we'd often be mistaken for newly weds. It was great! I was inlove and it was the first time I actually thought, maybe I'm actually with my future husband. But...I have to pause and say, like you, he gave me clues that he was commitment phobic, that I ignored, because he didn't act like it...at the time. You said you feared he had long term commitment issues but pushed it in the back of your mind...and let me tell you...I did the SAME thing! We tell ourselves we're wrong and there is no reason to feel that way, we ignore any red flags, we stuff it down and for a while things will be great...but eventually, when someone has commitment issues, when the relationship gets to a certain point they eventually pull away.

 

My ex had asked to "back track" after 2 weeks of being official, then 2 weeks later asked to be exclusive again. He confided that he didn't attach to people easily and didn't commit easily but he was inlove with me and I was worth it. Those were HUGE flags, but I ignored them and the months of bliss and planning the future made it a distant comment....until inevitably, 2 DAYS days before my birthday (like you, during a special time/holiday) he broke it off. I was CRUSHED! I was confused. I felt bamboozled. Just a few days before he said he loved me and missed me and his son missed me too...now we were done.

 

It took me almost 2 years to get over this (because I also did not go NC) and it was what brought me to LS initially. I learned a lot about myself and relationships though. One thing is, endings are new beginnings as you've said :). Another is, be upfront about what you want. Don't think that being honest about wanting commitment, kids or marriage is being needy or trying to tie a man down. If you're going to be committed to someone, you need to know EARLY if you're on the same page. You don't need to do it on the first date, but once you decide to be exclusive and be in a real relationship, you need to have these talks. LISTEN and ACCEPT. This is a big one for me...and many women. Don't stuff the things you don't like to the back and hope for the best. If you feel like a man is commitment phobic, a cheater, doesn't want to marry, his stories aren't adding up etc...chances are you're right! Follow up on it mentally and plan accordingly. If he seems wishy-washy about the things you want- listen! If he says he doesn't want some stuff you want or isn't sure...don't ignore and say "He'll change his mind because he loves me or since we've been together for x amount of time". Often it doesn't happen. Everyone deserves someone who is on the same page with them.

 

It sucks when everything seems compatible...but this incompatibility obviously trumps other areas of compatibility. He has his own issues but you seem to have a very stable and realistic outlook on things....I think you're handling it well and you'll be fine. It may be a rollercoaster for a while, but you seem like a wonderful woman who will listen to her intuition more and eventually end up with someone who is on the same page about all the important stuff as you are :). You don't only have one love fortunately, so eventually you'll love again.

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh my goodness, I was just going through the sub-forums and found this!

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out between you two. But I admit I had a smile on my face later in your post and it just got bigger and bigger toward the end because you are so incredibly wise and STRONG, lady! You will get through this and emerge even more gorgeous than before, inside and out! I salute you! :love:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would really rather not go into the "why" because to be honest, when he tells me his reasons, it's like listening to a foreign language. It makes no literal sense to me. I spent days trying to figure it out and reason with him but it's a pointless exercise. I guess the bottom line was that, despite our perfect compatibility emotionally, mentally, intellectually, physically, and even in terms of our interests and tastes; this is one very important arena in which we are not compatible.

 

So whats his reasons? What doesnt make sense to you perhaps could be obvious to us, maybe we can help clear that up. If its insanely personal, like intimate incompatibility, then never mind.

Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

This wasn't the same guy that was texting all of those other women and said that you wouldn't be attractive etc. was it?

 

If it was, good riddance....

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
kiss_andmakeup
This wasn't the same guy that was texting all of those other women and said that you wouldn't be attractive etc. was it?

 

If it was, good riddance....

 

Hmmm...I think you're thinking of someone else...or maybe my ex (previous one), although he never told me I was unattractive, but yeah, he said some pretty nasty things toward the end out of pure spite. But no, different guy.

Edited by kiss_andmakeup
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
kiss_andmakeup
So whats his reasons? What doesnt make sense to you perhaps could be obvious to us, maybe we can help clear that up. If its insanely personal, like intimate incompatibility, then never mind.

 

By the "why," I meant the root of his commitment issues. It is very personal, to him, and there's no sense in me going over it here, because I've been over it countless times with him, with my friends, with my parents...there's no angle that's been left unapproached, no stone left unturned. And I'm done mulling over that, because I've closed this chapter and moved on.

 

I'll tell you it certainly wasn't "intimate incompatibility."

 

But thank you for your offer.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...