Always afraid of relationships?

[b.b.king]

Hello everybody.I found this forum today and it's a good thing to see people help each other overcome their problems - so many bad things in the world these days :/

 

It's gonna be a bit long but I'll try to make it as short as I can,apologies for that

 

I've had a very troubled childhood.A very abusive father who ended up in jail and a mother who was as abusive as him 'till I moved out.I live with two of my college mates (boys) now.

 

I've never had a relationship.Not even a proper date. It's not like I can't live on my own or without a woman - I just feel alone most of the time and start questioning myself,and that is bad.It lead to a suicide attempt a few years back.

 

I don't think I have any problems nor does anybody around me.I'm part of a rock band and we plan to be known one day,I'm social,I've finally REGAINED my confidence after a few years,I have no problems talking to anybody and keep a conversation going be it male or female.

 

But when it comes down to a relationship I just can't do it.I start ignoring the people I fall for - for no reason at all.I've lost countless people just because of this,even when I was sure people had feelings for me I couldn't go after them.

 

I don't even know how I'm going to keep a relationship going - or how to react when someone loves me,and even how to love.I've never seen my parents love and care for each other and most of my friends kept going for casual 1-2 week dates.

 

I fell in love with my classmate.I know her well and everything was good and we always had something to talk about.I always thought she liked me and so did I but it just stayed that way.Now I fell in love with her and because I'm afraid I'm going to lose her (yeah,I know,lose something I don't have..) I started acting cold and I can't approach her like I did before.

 

I keep the conversations short for no reason,and I constantly have this *****ty idea that I'm going to fail all the time and it hurts me.Yesterday I realized she's losing all the interest she had and she's also acting cold now.

 

This happens everytime - I keep building a wall around me thinking I'm going to get hurt,and it pushes people away.I guess I really found the perfect woman now and I don't want to miss her,and I don't want to question myself whenever I'm alone.This really drives me mad.

 

Any idea on how I can get over this?

 

(and yes,this is the short version.I'm sorry people )

[Oxy Moronovich]

It's good you've recognized your problem. You seriously need to seek professional help. This seems like a problem you won't be able to deal with on your own.

[b.b.king]

Thanks for the answer.I guess you're right.I'll talk with my housemates and see if I can find a therapist..damn .