Unfaithful or not??

[Marty]

I'm 51-year-old white Englishman and she is a very attractive 24-year-old black girl. She moved in to my house here on a Caribbean island 4 months ago. I live here because the cost of living and climate are better than in Europe. I've never had a black girlfriend before, let alone one that is so much younger than me.

 

The problem is this. Although I love her v. much, I think that either the age, personality or race difference is too great or she is being unfaithful to me. I will try to explain.

 

When we met, I realized that this beautiful girl was actually within my reach. I asked her out and we dated more and more often. She was living alone at the time in a dingy little room in an undesirable neighborhood. Although I had asked her to move in with me she said that it was too soon and wanted to keep her independence. That changed when her room was broken in to whilst we were out and some money was stolen. Although she slept there again that night, the thief returned and tried to rob her again. Her screams alerted others in the house but the guy escaped. Following that incident she was convinced to move in with me for her own safety.

 

Our relationship seemed to blossom and we were sleeping together within a week. She is a part time singer on the local scene but doesn't really earn very much. Although I'm not wealthy by European standards, the life that she's leading now is quite luxurious compared to before. She has two small children who are looked after by her parents who live in another Caribbean country. I help them out by sending modest amounts of money each month for her kids. We have visited her family and her parents are delighted that she has made such a good catch. I'm sure they expect wedding bells in due course. We have also traveled to England and met my grown up kids and my ex wife. Everyone got along fine.

 

From there things have sometimes gotten a little stormy. She is an extrovert and has lots of friends of both sexes and is very popular. She likes attention from whoever gives it. Although her flirting is sometimes excessive, I don't really mind because I believe it's harmless and after all I'm also quite flattered by it. Because she likes music and dancing, we have agreed that once a week is her night to go out with her friends without me. I can't really complain because that scene is not really my taste. I was told by a close girl friend of hers (now ex-girlfriend) that her one of her Friday night 'friends' was in fact her secret lover. Since then my girlfriend refuses to have anything to do with the girl who spilled the beans. She has denied everything except to say that the guy is a member of a family who are all her close friends. She says that her girl friend is a liar and has deliberately tried to break us up because she is envious. After all, why would she want to jeopardize the good life for the sake of an unemployed local guy?

 

I've had other reports as well from different people who seem to confirm the suspicions. The problem is that I have no proof. Every time I bring the subject up with her, I'm accused of being jealous for no reason. When I ask why I don't get invited when she's with her 'friend', she says the guy doesn't really like me that much and wouldn't like for anyone to cause trouble. She is quite adamant that she reserves the right to have whomever she wants as friends. I have called her bluff by saying that if she really loved me, she would give this guy up for the sake of our relationship. She refuses on the grounds that I'm trying to control her life, and in any case she asks why I listen to gossip.

 

I'm not the sort of guy to spy on anyone, let alone my girlfriend, but I feel that I have to, if only to be proved wrong. The problem is that my suspicious behaviour could spell the end of the relationship anyway. Should I try to catch her at it, or give her the benefit of the doubt and forget the gossip?

[Tony T]

It actually sounds like this is just a bit more than gossip. You have some rather compelling leads, circumstantial evidence, and a witness.

 

My own personal opinion is that if she is so reluctant to have you meet her friend, there is something going on. You have to take into consideration her background and upbringing. This sort of thing was probably rampant in her village when she was growing up.

 

The fact that she waited until her place was twice burglarized says that she moved in with you, not because she deeply cared, but because she was too scared to live in her other home. In other words, it seems she is using you.

 

If we weren't in an age of AIDS, I'd say putting up with this was a small price to pay for being with a young chick.

 

But, let me tell you right straight mate, no matter how you slice it, no matter how much money or security you offer, in the end a young guy will win over a much older man every time.

 

So enjoy your times for as long as they last, but surely this will end at some point. I hope you collect the evidence you need to end it sooner than later. In the future, enjoy the company of the younger chicks but just automatically expect that any woman under 35 or so will use a 51 year old man for whatever she can get. In your case, she gets a safe place to stay and Friday's off to play.

[Deejette]

Your girlfrien sounds like so many economically poor women who use a better-off man to help support them and their family, especially in third world countries. Meanwhile, she wants to have her lover and peer-group friends (because she is half your age), while keeping her security. Unless you don't mind being played for a fool, then go along with this situation.

 

If it is making you very unhappy, then you will do best by getting her out of your life. She will find someone and somewhere else soon, if she is as popular as you describe. You will probably miss her more than she misses you and it will be hard to live in the same town if chance encounters are possible. But right now it sounds like she is running the show and dictating her terms to you and you are expected to go along with them and be a good boy.

 

You might be better off finding a more mature woman.

It actually sounds like this is just a bit more than gossip. You have some rather compelling leads, circumstantial evidence, and a witness.

 

My own personal opinion is that if she is so reluctant to have you meet her friend, there is something going on. You have to take into consideration her background and upbringing. This sort of thing was probably rampant in her village when she was growing up. The fact that she waited until her place was twice burglarized says that she moved in with you, not because she deeply cared, but because she was too scared to live in her other home. In other words, it seems she is using you. If we weren't in an age of AIDS, I'd say putting up with this was a small price to pay for being with a young chick. But, let me tell you right straight mate, no matter how you slice it, no matter how much money or security you offer, in the end a young guy will win over a much older man every time.

 

So enjoy your times for as long as they last, but surely this will end at some point. I hope you collect the evidence you need to end it sooner than later. In the future, enjoy the company of the younger chicks but just automatically expect that any woman under 35 or so will use a 51 year old man for whatever she can get. In your case, she gets a safe place to stay and Friday's off to play.