Patty Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I've recently discussed to my mother that I want to move out on my own.And we got in an argument over it.She tells me I cant be at my guys house,with no one there.Ok I'm 32 and we are adults.The trouble is she doesnt want me living on my own or living with him.Im real upset and think she is unfair.Im sick of her treating me like a child.I cant see my guy whenever I want and its not right.I really want to live with him. All she says is oh you cant communicate with him good.We do communicate and just cause hes Spanish doesnt mean he cant have me in his life.We communicate in other ways.We look at each other and I try sign languge with him and that usually works.We have a very special love for each other.I want to do what ever I want and I have no freedom.I cant see him when his family isnt there.Whats wrong with him and why is she against him? She is saying I cant live with him.Im really mad right now and dont think its right. Patty Link to post Share on other sites
2emotional Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I think that you are old enough to make your own decisions about who you date. Although, I know you want to defy your mother and just do what you want. but it will haunt you in the long run if you and your mother can't come to an agreement. If this guy is serious about you and you about him, you will want to get along with each other's family's. You and your mom should sit down and find out what the real problem is. Is it really this guy or is she fearful that if you do something on your own she won't have you in her life. After you find out what the real underlying issues are.. you should talk with your guy and find a way to make your mom feel at ease. It will be better for everyone in the long run. If this guy is the one..and you get married one day..I'm sure you will want your mom in your life to help with grandchildren and just be part of the family. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patty Posted August 9, 2004 Author Share Posted August 9, 2004 Thanks for the nice thoughts and ideas.It really helps just to have people to talk to.I see my therapist every other Wednesday and the stress builds up and sometimes I need to come here to talk. Patty Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Yes you are an adult and she is treating you like you're unable to make decisions for yourself but on one hand maybe she's afraid you'll get hurt and no matter how old you are you are still her baby. But on the other hand she has to allow you to make your own mistakes. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Has he asked you to live with him or have you two get an apartment together? I think it's wonderful you come here to talk on this website.....it can be useful in venting your feelings! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patty Posted August 9, 2004 Author Share Posted August 9, 2004 Thanks everyone for youe help.I'm leaving for awhile out of the house and I'm not telling her where I'm going and I'm not leaving a note to where I'm going.I cant take the stress anymore. I feel unappreciated and disrespected and the stress is getting to me. Patty Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I agree with your mother, in that a relatioship with this man is a bad idea, and I believe she has a right to react in the manner she is. From what I can gather, this man did something to you which was completely wrong, and it seems you fail to understand that this was wrong to have happened. Quite a bit of the story was left out, but it appears that you did not really want to do something with this man, and he did not listen to you when you tried to tell him to stop, or even to get a condom. Your mother is correct in that communication is essential to a relationship. If the both of you cannot communicate very clearly to one another verbally there is little hope of anything working out. I dated a deaf girl once, but she could speak and read lips, so my being horrible at signing did not affect things. If we were not able to communicate as well, nothing would have worked out at all. In your case, this man does not speak much English, and it does not appear that you have had any true form of communication with him. I will read into things, based on your past posts, and say that there is probably a reason your mother is taking care of you. There are probably good reasons as to why your mother will not allow you to move out, and given your age and the fact that you see a therapist, perhaps you should trust your mother to want what is best for you. It is apparent to me that your mother looks after you and cares for you very much. Try not to be angry at her for this. I fully agree with her, after what you said happened with this man, and I do not think she is being mean at all. I would NOT recommend you leave the house and NOT tell your mother where you are going. Unless you are going to stay with a very close and trusted family friend, or a family member, I think it is best for you to stay at home. Your therapist can help you sort out these issues best. Running away, even temporarily, is not the answer to your problems. If you do run away, I bet your mother would be devastated. I see no further point in causing more emotional imbalance. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I'm leaving for awhile out of the house and I'm not telling her where I'm going and I'm not leaving a note to where I'm going. Bad idea and totally disrespectful to your mother. At least give her the courtesy of a note informing her that you are okay. If you want to have your own place, fine, but moving in with this guy is completely premature. You barely know him, and he does not seem to have treated you with much respect. I know you really like him, but don't jump into anything. I have some questions: 1. This is the guy you've been dating about a month? 2. Has he ever taken you out on a date? 3. Has he asked you to move in with him? 4. Is this at his family home? 5. How do his parents/family feel about that? 6. Is there room for you? 7. Is he trying to learn English? 8. Can he support you? 9. Is he a U.S. citizen? (I'm just curious...) 10. How often do you currently see him? I'm assuming you can't talk on the phone due to the language barrier -- isn't he pretty much a stranger? Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I know on the other post that the moderator said we are to "stick to the question asked" but I too have to agree with Faux. You haven't known this guy very long, you haven't really been "dating" and he hasn't really been your "boyfriend" very long. The last situation you posted about was a very serious one, YOU did not say you didn't want to be with him but sadly the situation was one that got out of hand. You HAVE to be able to communicate with him verbally, spanish is a hard language to learn and if you are unable to speak it and he is unable to speak or understand much english you have a very low chance of having a relationship with this guy. Most likely you will get an apartment, he will move in with you, you will pay all the bills or will have rental assistance but still he will contribute nothing. Chances are he'll be sending money to his wife/kids OR his parents (as most spanish hard working men do) (if this is his case) and not have the money to help you with food, rent, utilities, ect. Strictly a "what if" or it "could happen" scenario! Since you two can't communicate verbally how can you be sure he has said he wants to be your boyfriend and that he wants to live with you? Are you sure he doesn't just think you two are friends having a purely sexual relationship? There are sooooo many things to consider that I think you should allow your Mother AND your therapist to help you make this choice! ALSO you need to have an HONEST translator that speaks both English and Spanish sit down with the two of you and find out how he feels about you and your relationship and then you can ask him if he is your boyfriend and how he would feel about living with you. I'm sorry I'm not "jumping" on you Patty but I don't think it's wise to assume everything is the way you believe it is between the two of you UNTIL he can tell you in his OWN words. Just be careful and listen to your Mother and Therapist! Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Originally posted by clia Bad idea and totally disrespectful to your mother. At least give her the courtesy of a note informing her that you are okay. If you want to have your own place, fine, but moving in with this guy is completely premature. You barely know him, and he does not seem to have treated you with much respect. I know you really like him, but don't jump into anything. I have some questions: 1. This is the guy you've been dating about a month? 2. Has he ever taken you out on a date? 3. Has he asked you to move in with him? 4. Is this at his family home? 5. How do his parents/family feel about that? 6. Is there room for you? 7. Is he trying to learn English? 8. Can he support you? 9. Is he a U.S. citizen? (I'm just curious...) 10. How often do you currently see him? I'm assuming you can't talk on the phone due to the language barrier -- isn't he pretty much a stranger? Chances are....this is an assumption being made.....if he doesn't speak english how can he ask her to live with him and how can she find out all these things about him? MOST hispanic guys and one time or another come here illegally (when they are from Mexico) not always but about 7 out of 10 times this is the case (not that it's wrong or right obviously they are coming to make a better life for themselves and their families). Yes I think she is talking about the hispanic guy from her job that she just posted about last time with the whole discussion of "was it forced" From ALL her other posts I read (I went through alot of them) not once did I see that he asked her to be his Girlfriend more that she has a crush on him, things happened and it was "assumed" it was a relationship..... again not ragging on her I understand the situation BUT I think she has a real potential to get herself into some serious drama and emotional heartache and needs to be clear on what HE wants also! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 One more comment: She tells me I cant be at my guys house,with no one there.Ok I'm 32 and we are adults.The trouble is she doesnt want me living on my own or living with him.Im real upset and think she is unfair.Im sick of her treating me like a child.I cant see my guy whenever I want and its not right.I really want to live with him. It sounds like your mother is afraid you are going to get pregnant. Given your incapability to communicate to your guy that he needs to use a condom, it sounds like this is a rational fear. Patty, can you support yourself on your salary? Have you considered how much it costs to pay rent, utilities, groceries, etc., in order to have an independent household of your own? Can you afford this? What if you do get pregnant? Who will pay for the baby? Sounds to me like this will fall back on your mother, hence her worrying about you seeing this guy alone. I think before you are even close to getting her blessing about you moving out, you need to show her that you are capable of doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Patty Posted August 9, 2004 Author Share Posted August 9, 2004 Thanks.I know what your saying clia and I appreciate the advice and everyone elses advice too. Im real hurt right now cause my mother cant stand me.I try to talk to her and she tells me to not talk to her.Right now it feels like everyone in my family isnt happy for me and my new guy and my feelings are so hurt.I dont know what to do.I just spend my time crying. Anyways I do appreciate all the advice I get here.Right now I'm so confused and cant wait untill next week to see my councelour again.Im in tears and cant stop crying. Im hurt by her and it seems like she doesnt want anything to do with me.She even mentioned that my other sister is better cause she doesnt do the things I do and doesnt have problems.So Im kind of hurt. I said to her "oh I suck" dont I?""You like her more then me" I feel real sad right now and dont know why. Patty Link to post Share on other sites
Artifact Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 Is there any way to meet with your counselor before next week? Link to post Share on other sites
Taken_Angel Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I'm sorry you're sad right now. Your Mother should NOT say things to make you feel that she likes your sister more. They are probably happy for you but just worried for your emotional and physical well being. Link to post Share on other sites
honey2005 Posted August 9, 2004 Share Posted August 9, 2004 I think you should wait awhile and give your mom and yourself time to calm down and to look over the situation. Your mother is telling you not to move in with your boyfriend because she loves you and she has your best intentions at heart. You don't know this boy very well and he could turn out not to be as great as you think he is. Give it more time, don't move out and don't go places with him alone. You don't need to be having sex with him right now, you need to be working on your communication problem and getting to know each other better. Have you told your mother about what you talked about in your last post? I really think you should. She loves you and cares about you and only wants what is best for you. Don't be angry at her over this, she's not being mean and she doesn't hate you. Just give her time to cool down. Link to post Share on other sites
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