I'm devastated.........

[WhatsTheAnswer]

I finally decided to post on this site and realized my situation is very typical of the hundreds of others here. I guess until we all know what we are going through, we all think it’s unique. For the record I am the MM. Here is my story...

 

The OW and I were neighbors and she was neighborhood friends with my wife. She started to come around more at night without the kids and the three of us would sit around and talk and have a few drinks. I noticed her husband never came around. As we got to know her more she revealed that she was trying to escape her husband and it appeared she had a bad marriage. I never had much interest in OW at first but over the years I got to know her better and begun to see she was an awesome person who was in a bad marriage. She complained about her husband often saying he was cold and verbally abusive to her. I met him a few times and I could see what she meant. He was very anti social. I even saw him fight with her on a middle of a party. Still she made the best of her situation but she would still come around more and more to escape him. At that time I started to look forward to her hanging out as we had a lot in common. The more I got to know her the more I realized she is an amazing woman. Being with her husband definitely left her with low self esteem.

 

At this point we both started to feel the attraction. We finally confessed we had a crush on each other. We kissed a few times but never took things much further during that time. I think the OW just felt it was just a distraction for the time being. She also admitted later she didn’t think I could ever be interested in her. We both resisted taking it too far at first, but the wheels of attraction were already in motion. It was just before that time my wife and I had hit a road block as the passion just wasn't there like it was in the past. She seemed to become more conservative and more of a “robo” mom. Her life now is our kids. I felt I lost the woman I married. We tried talking about it but my wife confessed that she changed and this is who she is now. It also didn't help that I built up resentment due to a few things in our past.

 

Early in our marriage I found phone calls to strange man whenever I was out of town on business. I felt she was cheating but I never had the smoking gun. I told her never to call him again. She said they were just friends. Another issue was when we had kids. The minute we had kids she ignored me. I told her we needed to keep our relationship going even though we had to share ourselves with the kids. She got mad and said they needed her more. I told her I need her too. Those two incidents left resentment scars in my mind, and it let me use it as an excuse to pursue the OW.

 

We flirted off and on for a few years. We groped and kissed here and there but we hadn’t had full on sex at that point. Then one day her husband got a new job and she mentioned they were moving an hour away from here. I felt a huge sense of loss with the news of her leaving. I was shocked how hard it hit me at the time.

 

They moved. Never to be heard from for over two years. Out of the blue we found each other on FB and started to message each other. We reconnected. Just as friends at first but then it got more intense and we decided to meet. After that we started a full on affair. We started having sex whenever we could. We both gave each other what we felt we were missing in our marriages. Of course we fell deeply in love. Or from what I learned from this site what we thought was love. And like every other A the sex, was of course, amazing. We definitely connected in the physical side. We were both are very sexually open and our spouses are not. We shared the same views on religion, politics etc. I will not use the term soul mate. So cliche huh? But we definitely connected in every way possible.

 

We continued the affair off and on for a few years. At different times we both tried to cool it down. But to no avail. She even decided to give her husband one more chance and she went no contact with me last year. I was devastated and even went to counseling to get over my feelings of loss. I respected the NC and only contacted her again when I found out she was going through a scary procedure to determine if she had cancer. She was scared and appreciated me reaching out to her. She admitted she was tortured the whole time we were apart. And was looking to reach out to me again the whole time we were NC. Of course we started the A again. Our A made her realize that she was in a verbally abusive marriage and that the way I treated her made her feel special and made her realize she didn't want to take it anymore from her husband. She got divorced.

 

At that point it was becoming clear we had to figure out what we were going to do with our A. I have been struggling with my feelings for whether I should leave my wife for this woman. We have reached a cross roads. Just a few days ago out of the blue went she no contact. She wanted me to leave my wife and be with her. I understand her struggle as she was divorced I needed to make a decision to what I was going to do. I wanted to make sure I made the right decision before I jumped in a new relationship with her and end my marriage. I struggle with the fact that 90% or unions with the AP don’t last. I also struggle with the baggage of her situation. She was left with no money and now has no job, three kids and ex husband who has been stalking her to see who she is dating. I care for her but can it work with all of this baggage? I know all of this is very typical but the pain and loss I feel is very real. I am devastated. I respect her decision but it doesn't make it any better. I know the MM gets bashed pretty good on this site because we are portrayed as cold and manipulative. Well I am the MM and I can tell you that while yes, I don’t want to lose this woman from my life, I am hurting. This not a situation of trying to have my cake and eat it too. I hated living a double life. I pulled away for wife physically as I got closer to the OW. I avoided my wife as much as I could. I felt like I was cheating on the OW. I also noticed a metamorphosis happening, I was totally in tune physically with the OW. The sound of her voice, the smell of neck the softness of her kiss made me melt. My wife feels foreign to me now. I guess hormones are a very powerful drug. As much as we all know that affairs are not the real world, the pain and loss I feel is definitely is real. I give her credit for being strong, as I am a mess right now.

[OnceMoreWithFeeling]

Welcome

 

I see a lot of my xMM in your words -- we talked a lot over his struggle. I think OW has made a good choice in going NC with you while you figure out the path you're going to take. Please continue to respect her for that and don't pull her back in until you're sure.

 

That said, good luck with your decision. I know it's not easy, but it needs to be done. Someone is going to get hurt, but you can't keep on this way.

[TheOW]

If you had let her go without persuing her she wouldnt be divorced and have "baggage" as you put it. You are to blame for the current situation she is in and now you are not sure you can handle that ??

[veryhappy]

How many years ago did the A start?

 

What kind of advice are you looking for? Whether to be with the OW? If her baggage won't be too much for you? That's for you to decide, along with deciding if you will accept the effects of getting a divorce.

 

My advice is to not stay in limbo. Figure out what you want to do and do that. If you want to stay married, tell her and leave her alone and so she can find someone else now that she's single. If you want to be wih her, don't waffle. The biggest pain happens when OW believe there's a future, and while that is supposed to be underway, MM turns around and runs back to the wife, with little explanation and blaming the A fog for it all.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

At the very least the A caused her to leave him which she needed to do anyway. So for that, it was at least one good thing that came from this. She admitted the A opened her eyes that she can experience love and affection with another human being.

 

I guess baggage was a harsh word to use to describe her situation. I am not thinking clearly and I am trying to concentrate on negatives of the situation as a crutch to try move on. Assuming we are really over.

 

I guess I was concentrating on the fact that she moved out on her own and then went and quit her job. And she had no idea that her husband would become a stalker. So at the time no, I didn't think those two things would be part of the equation when deciding to be together.

 

At this point I don't even know if she would entertain us being together. I have to assume she still cares for me. But who knows. She might have turned a page. I wont contact her again unless I can sort out my feelings of where I need to be. I don't feel I will really have that choice now anyway.

[veryhappy]

The part from you feeling you were cheating on the OW made me tear, because that's what happened in my A. It made it that much harder to understand when he went back to work on the M.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

She didn't leave him for me directly. At the time she just knew she didn't want to be with him and take his abuse any longer. I think the affair was the catalyst yes but we never discussed that she would leave and we would run away together before that point. After she got divorced is when she wanted me to leave my situation.

[veryhappy]

That part that she didn't getdivorced to be with you was clear. The issue is that if now you are giving her any hopes to be together without following through, you'd be holding her back. Even if there's NC, if she still has hope she won't be able to move on.

 

What do you want?

 

I'm glad you found your way here. We're always happy to hear from MM and pick their brain. There aren't too many who post here.

[frozensprouts]

If you had let her go without persuing her she wouldnt be divorced and have "baggage" as you put it. You are to blame for the current situation she is in and now you are not sure you can handle that ??

 

no, he's not "responsible"...

she is an adult, and made a decision to get involved with another man while they were both married. She made choices about her life, no one forced her, no one made her do anything that she, on some level, didn't want to do...

 

if you turn the situation around, is she somehow responsible for his current situation? is she responsible for him feeling conflicted?

There was no lying, no deception. Both of them went in eyes wide open.

[woinlove]

This not a situation of trying to have my cake and eat it too. I hated living a double life.

 

I'm not sure how this is not trying to have your cake and eat it too. You say you hated living a double life, but it would seem you did not hate it as much as not living a double life, that is choosing any of the alternatives: divorcing your W to be with the OW, ending the A to focus on your M, or just being honest with everyone involved, in which case, they would also be making their own informed choices which likely would put a quick end to having your cake and eating it too.

 

I think the key is deciding what you want. Since I would never want an M built on deceit, I tend to think one cannot have a satisfying M while keeping up the deception surround a multiyear affair. If you don't want to be honest, I would advice divorce, because life is too precious to stay in a dishonest M, no matter how much work you might try to do on your differences about childcare/couple time/etc. But the important question is what do you want?

[Furious]

 

 

 

The OW and I were neighbors and she was neighborhood friends with my wife.

She complained about her husband often saying he was cold and verbally abusive to her. Being with her husband definitely left her with low self esteem.

 

At this point we both started to feel the attraction.

 

 

 

Early in our marriage I found phone calls to strange man whenever I was out of town on business. I felt she was cheating but I never had the smoking gun. I told her never to call him again. She said they were just friends.

 

Another issue was when we had kids. The minute we had kids she ignored me. I told her we needed to keep our relationship going even though we had to share ourselves with the kids. She got mad and said they needed her more. I told her I need her too.

 

 

Those two incidents left resentment scars in my mind, and it let me use it as

an excuse to pursue the OW.

 

 

Of course we fell deeply in love.

We continued the affair off and on for a few years.

 

She even decided to give her husband one more chance and she went no contact with me last year.

Of course we started the A again.

 

Our A made her realize that she was in a verbally abusive marriage and that the way I treated her made her feel special and made her realize she didn't want to take it anymore from her husband. She got divorced.

 

At that point it was becoming clear we had to figure out what we were going to do with our A. I have been struggling with my feelings for whether I should leave my wife for this woman. We have reached a cross roads.

 

Just a few days ago out of the blue went she no contact. She wanted me to leave my wife and be with her.

 

I wanted to make sure I made the right decision before I jumped in a new relationship with her and end my marriage

 

I struggle with the fact that 90% or unions with the AP don’t last.

 

I also struggle with the baggage of her situation.

 

She was left with no money and now has no job, three kids and ex husband who has been stalking her to see who she is dating.

 

I care for her but can it work with all of this baggage?

 

 

I know all of this is very typical but the pain and loss I feel is very real. I am devastated. I respect her decision but it doesn't make it any better.

 

I know the MM gets bashed pretty good on this site because we are portrayed as cold and manipulative. Well I am the MM and I can tell you that while yes, I don’t want to lose this woman from my life, I am hurting.

 

This not a situation of trying to have my cake and eat it too. I hated living

a double life.

 

 

As much as we all know that affairs are not the real world, the pain and loss I feel is definitely is real.

 

I give her credit for being strong, as I am a mess right now.

 

 

You're a mess right now because you are now faced with the reality of your situation. You are definitely a cake eater...and you're a mess because you had a double life and ,poor your, must now choose one or the other.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

How many years ago did the A start?

 

I knew her for over 5 years but the A really started to get intense around 3 years ago.

[Owl]

OK...so what IS the answer?

 

Her, or your wife?

 

Seems to me that you're avoiding making a choice here, which is what's led her to go NC...which is really what's creating your stress.

 

So...what's your choice? Which relationship will you keep, and which will you end?

 

Decide that, and then your course of action should become readily apparent to you.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

I think the key is deciding what you want. Since I would never want an M built on deceit, I tend to think one cannot have a satisfying M while keeping up the deception surround a multiyear affair. If you don't want to be honest, I would advice divorce, because life is too precious to stay in a dishonest M, no matter how much work you might try to do on your differences about childcare/couple time/etc. But the important question is what do you want?

 

That is what I need to figure out. Its just hard to think clearly now.

 

I didn't consider myself a cake eater because I assumed cake eaters were happy having sex with their wife and the AP. I hated the double life. If that is wrong that I guess the OW and I were indeed cake eaters.

[Mr. Lucky]

There was no lying, no deception.

At least not to each other. I doubt their BS had the benefit of being fully informed.

 

WhatsTheAnswer, no hearts and flowers from me. You are a classic "cake eater", down to the fact that, now that your AP is free, suddenly her baggage and real world complications loom large. It's also interesting that from your POV all of the problems in your marriage - and your AP's marriage also - were your spouse's fault. Your wife turned into a cold "robo Mom" and focused on your kids? What did you expect her to do in the hours you admittedly spent hanging with and falling in love with the OW? How many hours were spent "having sex whenever we could"?

 

I give you credit for being a skilled writer. In all other areas, you've screwed the pooch...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WhatsTheAnswer]

OK...so what IS the answer?

 

Her, or your wife?

 

Seems to me that you're avoiding making a choice here, which is what's led her to go NC...which is really what's creating your stress.

 

So...what's your choice? Which relationship will you keep, and which will you end?

 

Decide that, and then your course of action should become readily apparent to you.

 

Owl that is excellent advice. I just feel that it is too easy to say I want to be with the AP she makes me feel alive in love etc. But from what I learned on this site that is not a decision to made solely on those grounds. I have read here in many posts that the decision to be with the AP rarely works out for the AP's. Before I create any more havoc I need to make the best informed decision I can. There is no manual when you have an A. We all come to this site after we are in these situations.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

At least not to each other. I doubt their BS had the benefit of being fully informed.

 

WhatsTheAnswer, no hearts and flowers from me. You are a classic "cake eater", down to the fact that, now that your AP is free, suddenly her baggage and real world complications loom large. It's also interesting that from your POV all of the problems in your marriage - and your AP's marriage also - were your spouse's fault. Your wife turned into a cold "robo Mom" and focused on your kids? What did you expect her to do in the hours you admittedly spent hanging with and falling in love with the OW? How many hours were spent "having sex whenever we could"?

 

I give you credit for being a skilled writer. In all other areas, you've screwed the pooch...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The cold "robo mom" I referred to happened way before I ever had an affair.

[Furious]

 

I didn't consider myself a cake eater because I assumed cake eaters were happy having sex with their wife and the AP. I hated the double life. If that is wrong that I guess the OW and I were indeed cake eaters.

 

You hated the double life so much, that now when you can be with your soulmate 24/7, you ain't so sure about all the baggage she comes with.

 

If you weren't a cake eater you'd have your bags packed and be joining your OW, making her your only woman.

 

If you love her, you'll support her and her three kids, and if her ex makes trouble you'd protect her.

[woinlove]

 

That is what I need to figure out. Its just hard to think clearly now.

 

I didn't consider myself a cake eater because I assumed cake eaters were happy having sex with their wife and the AP. I hated the double life. If that is wrong that I guess the OW and I were indeed cake eaters.

 

Cake eater is just wanting to have both an AP and a spouse, rather than the alternatives. You don't have to be have happy. Some people will never be happy no matter what they do.

 

Are you in counselling? Maybe that would help.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

You hated the double life so much, that now when you can be with your soulmate 24/7, you ain't so sure about all the baggage she comes with.

 

If you weren't a cake eater you'd have your bags packed and be joining your OW, making her your only woman.

 

If you love her, you'll support her and her three kids, and if her ex makes trouble you'd protect her.

 

So true Furious. But what I also know now that when you are caught up in the affair its not reality. Breaking up marriages etc. is.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

Cake eater is just wanting to have both an AP and a spouse, rather than the alternatives. You don't have to be have happy. Some people will never be happy no matter what they do.

 

Are you in counselling? Maybe that would help.

 

I did attend counseling about the affair last year when we stopped the affair for awhile. I didn't find it really helped. The only thing he said that was interesting to me was to treat the ending of the affair as a vacation. You went on vacation you had a nice time. But the vacation is over and you go back to your regular life. If it was really that simple.

[Owl]

Owl that is excellent advice. I just feel that it is too easy to say I want to be with the AP she makes me feel alive in love etc. But from what I learned on this site that is not a decision to made solely on those grounds. I have read here in many posts that the decision to be with the AP rarely works out for the AP's. Before I create any more havoc I need to make the best informed decision I can. There is no manual when you have an A. We all come to this site after we are in these situations.

 

What further information do you need?

 

Here's another tangent to what you're considering...what information does your WIFE need in order to allow HER to make an informed decision as well?

 

Does your AP need any further information...or has her decision already been made?

 

From my perspective...you can make a decision if you want...but if you're wanting it to be an "informed" one, then you should allow your wife the same option. Let her know where your mind/heart is at (and has been at for years)...let her decide if she wants to continue a relationship with you in light of that information as well.

 

Who knows...you may choose to be with your wife...but she may choose not to be with you, removing that option from your plate. Or she may choose to reconcile...giving you MORE information on where her heart and mind is at.

 

That's my thoughts...

[veryhappy]

So true Furious. But what I also know now that when you are caught up in the affair its not reality. Breaking up marriages etc. is.

 

If the A was not reality,why isn't it simple to just live your reality - the M?

[frozensprouts]

I will give you some advice based upon my own experience...keep in mind that these are probably different than yours, but maybe it will still be helpful...

 

(a) instead of making decisions for your wife, why not start letting her make them for herself? why not be honest with her and let her decide what she wants to do ? for the past few years, you and this woman ( who was your wife's friend) have been fooling around behind her back. Whatever your reason for doing so may have been, do you not see how cruel in and deceptive that was to her? Her husband and her friend have been lying to her and treating her like crud ( you by cheating on her as her husband, and her by cheating on her as a friend). You've stolen away her right to make informed choices about her life, and you just keep right on going.

 

(b) if you stop to think about it, you are treating your wife no better than you say your other woman's ex-husband treated her. You are being abusive to your wife in a way that is every bit if not more so, insidious than this "verbal abuse". You say you've pulled away from your wife because you felt like you were cheating on your other woman with her...how do you think that has made your wife feel? You may think she doesn't know, but on some level, she knows something is wrong, and is probably blaming herself and feeling bad. Many wayward spouses think that their cheating has no effect on their betrayed spouse if they don't really know for sure about it, but trust me, it has an effect. Every day that you've cheated, you've hurt your wife just a little bit more...in effect, you've been emotionally abusive to her...

 

© I'm sorry to say it, but neither you nor your other woman sound like you are very trustworthy...you've both cheated on your spouses, she has also "cheated' on someone who thought of her as a friend.

 

(d) if you aren't in your marriage 100% , then don't do your wife any "favors' but staying. tell her what's been going on and let her go and find her happiness with someone else. if you want to try and reconcile your marriage, you definitely need to tell your wife about what has happened. give her the option to decide how she wants to live her life...if she wants to leave, let her go, if she wants to stay, do what she asks and give her what she needs to feel secure in her marriage...

 

(e) I know I've said it once but I think it bears repeating. You have hurt your wife in ways that you can not even imagine. You feel bad for your other woman's pain from her husband...that's NOTHING compared to what you've done to your wife. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but rather because it really doesn't seem like you understand the gravity of what you have done to her.

 

If you ever loved your wife at all, then for the sake of that love, even if it's not there now, at least treat her with enough dignity and respect to let her decide how she wants to live her life. Does she want to remain married to a man who says he loves someone else, who has lied to her, who has invited a bunch of cr@p into her life without her even knowing it? Or does she want to move on and love her life free from all of that....why is it up to you to decide how she lives her life?

[WhatsTheAnswer]

The MOW follows through and gets a divorce and you stay put. It seems women have more balls than men.

 

 

She didn't leave him FOR me. She talked about needing to leave him for years because of the verbal abuse. She was scared to make a move and she worried about her kids. Until the A she never had the confidence to leave him. If anything good came of this A it is that.

 

Yes I whole heartily agree women have more balls than men.