I'm devastated.........

[thomasb]

Frozen is right on the money here. The level of deception is amazing. I feel for your wife. And you are in 'love' with this person who can help you perpetuate this sort of lying, cheating and dishonesty? Good luck to you.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

If the A was not reality,why isn't it simple to just live your reality - the M?

 

You're right that is the easy choice. But is it the right one?

[WhatsTheAnswer]

I will give you some advice based upon my own experience...keep in mind that these are probably different than yours, but maybe it will still be helpful...

 

(a) instead of making decisions for your wife, why not start letting her make them for herself? why not be honest with her and let her decide what she wants to do ? for the past few years, you and this woman ( who was your wife's friend) have been fooling around behind her back. Whatever your reason for doing so may have been, do you not see how cruel in and deceptive that was to her? Her husband and her friend have been lying to her and treating her like crud ( you by cheating on her as her husband, and her by cheating on her as a friend). You've stolen away her right to make informed choices about her life, and you just keep right on going.

 

(b) if you stop to think about it, you are treating your wife no better than you say your other woman's ex-husband treated her. You are being abusive to your wife in a way that is every bit if not more so, insidious than this "verbal abuse". You say you've pulled away from your wife because you felt like you were cheating on your other woman with her...how do you think that has made your wife feel? You may think she doesn't know, but on some level, she knows something is wrong, and is probably blaming herself and feeling bad. Many wayward spouses think that their cheating has no effect on their betrayed spouse if they don't really know for sure about it, but trust me, it has an effect. Every day that you've cheated, you've hurt your wife just a little bit more...in effect, you've been emotionally abusive to her...

 

© I'm sorry to say it, but neither you nor your other woman sound like you are very trustworthy...you've both cheated on your spouses, she has also "cheated' on someone who thought of her as a friend.

 

(d) if you aren't in your marriage 100% , then don't do your wife any "favors' but staying. tell her what's been going on and let her go and find her happiness with someone else. if you want to try and reconcile your marriage, you definitely need to tell your wife about what has happened. give her the option to decide how she wants to live her life...if she wants to leave, let her go, if she wants to stay, do what she asks and give her what she needs to feel secure in her marriage...

 

(e) I know I've said it once but I think it bears repeating. You have hurt your wife in ways that you can not even imagine. You feel bad for your other woman's pain from her husband...that's NOTHING compared to what you've done to your wife. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but rather because it really doesn't seem like you understand the gravity of what you have done to her.

 

If you ever loved your wife at all, then for the sake of that love, even if it's not there now, at least treat her with enough dignity and respect to let her decide how she wants to live her life. Does she want to remain married to a man who says he loves someone else, who has lied to her, who has invited a bunch of cr@p into her life without her even knowing it? Or does she want to move on and love her life free from all of that....why is it up to you to decide how she lives her life?

 

Good advice Frozen. While what you say makes perfect sense, but I didn't feel she should suffer for my mistakes. If I decide to stay, I will make sure to pull her into counseling with me.

[veryhappy]

You're right that is the easy choice. But is it the right one?

 

Doing what's right. Let me quote from exMM after he took a beating from his W when saying he wanted a divorce : "I don't know what's the right thing to do anymore." To the outside world, you seem a very confused person. Anything but keeping both the M and the A is too difficult for you.

 

Your fOW had the guts to get a divorce with no soft landing, romantic or financially. You couldn't do it even with a soft landing - her. If you want your home life so much, who not put everything you have in the M? It's obvious that the family persona and/or the fear of the unknown and the comforts of the known are enough to keep you in your M.

 

You are mentally stuck on having both, and you won't get anywhere until you commit to just one path to take.

[Mr. Lucky]

The cold "robo mom" I referred to happened way before I ever had an affair.

What do you think your wife knows or suspects about the affair at this point?

 

Mr. Lucky

[knitwit]

Good advice Frozen. While what you say makes perfect sense, but I didn't feel she should suffer for my mistakes. If I decide to stay, I will make sure to pull her into counseling with me.

 

Why don't you tell your wife, so that she understands what has been happening over the past half-decade? The SHE can also decide on whether she wants to stay and whether she would like some counselling?

[turnera]

How are your kids going to feel toward you when they find out?

[WhatsTheAnswer]

What further information do you need?

 

Does your AP need any further information...or has her decision already been made?

 

OWL I have no idea what further information my AP needs she has gone NC. I am respecting that but for all I know she made has a decision not be with me no matter what. Without talking to her I don't know. All I can do is make a decision alone if I decide I want to be with her I will contact her and leave her to decide if she does still want us to be together.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

How are your kids going to feel toward you when they find out?

 

That's a whole another level of pain. They haven't never had to deal with something like this so I really don't know.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

Doing what's right. Let me quote from exMM after he took a beating from his W when saying he wanted a divorce : "I don't know what's the right thing to do anymore." To the outside world, you seem a very confused person. Anything but keeping both the M and the A is too difficult for you.

 

Your fOW had the guts to get a divorce with no soft landing, romantic or financially. You couldn't do it even with a soft landing - her. If you want your home life so much, who not put everything you have in the M? It's obvious that the family persona and/or the fear of the unknown and the comforts of the known are enough to keep you in your M.

 

You are mentally stuck on having both, and you won't get anywhere until you commit to just one path to take.

 

Perfectly said. It is hard to think straight in this fog. I haven't slept much lately.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

What do you think your wife knows or suspects about the affair at this point?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think she had an inkling last year.

[Snowflower]

This is advice I don't give very often...

 

Since you don't appear to be committed to/in love with your wife or value your marriage, then why don't you divorce?

 

Your OW has left her marriage and is now really and truly available. Go get her!

 

If you have trouble actually beginning the divorce process, tell your wife what has been going on under her nose for the last 5 years (with her neighbor/friend) and that you no longer feel the same about her (your wife). If you are lucky, your wife will make it easy for you and get the divorce process started right away. You won't even have to do the difficult part of filing.

 

Then you will be free to be with the woman you truly love.

 

Your heart and soul are with the OW. Your wife will be hurt but will go on. You will still get time with your kids so no worries there. Does the OW have children too? You can have a blended family.

 

This is definitely do-able. I'm not sure why you are so conflicted. Maybe you will explain.

 

This is really easy-peasy.

[frozensprouts]

Good advice Frozen. While what you say makes perfect sense, but I didn't feel she should suffer for my mistakes. If I decide to stay, I will make sure to pull her into counseling with me.

 

That's a good first step, but I have to wonder if you really understood what I was getting at...

 

your posts are all about your decision about your marriage, and I can understand why they red that way...but the point taht I was making isn that it shouldn't just be about what you want, it should also be about what your wife wants...to decide what she wants, she needs to have all the information about what has been going on in her life ( her marriage), and to have that, she needs to know you were cheating...I hope that you can find the courage to tell her what has been going on, otherwise, counseling may not work and there will always be a huge lie right at the very core of your relationship...

 

besides, if you do tell your wife about your affair, she may well make the decision for you and end the marriage...a lot of betrayed spouses do that.

 

I'm not saying it will be an easy road for you, but at least you will be living an honest life, and you won't have this lie eating away at you...

[Furious]

 

Good advice Frozen. While what you say makes perfect sense, but I didn't feel she should suffer for my mistakes. If I decide to stay, I will make sure to pull her into counseling with me.

 

You don't want to confess the truth to your wife because you don't want her to suffer for your mistakes.

 

You should re-read all the contradictions in your opening post. You're all over the map. Justifying your affair, blame shifting, talking out of both

sides of your mouth, and you acctuall believe you're this great guy and somehow a torn victim in all this.

 

 

The fact is you don't want to tell your wife the truth, not because you don't want her to suffer....it's YOU that doesn't want to suffer the consequences you've invited into your life.

Edited November 29, 2012 by Furious
Correction

[veryhappy]

frozen, you assume he's tormented by the lie of having cheated. I don't think that is a source of tourment to him. The torment comes from not having it all, and resentment of losing any part involved.

Edited November 29, 2012 by cutedragon

[WhatsTheAnswer]

frozen, you assume he's tormented by the lie of having cheated. I don't think that is a source of tourment to him. The torment comes from not having it all, and resentment of losing any part involved.

 

I am tormented by the lie.

[Owl]

I am tormented by the lie.

 

Then your first step is telling her the truth.

[Furious]

I am tormented by the lie.

 

 

Which of the many lies is the one you're tormented by?

[WhatsTheAnswer]

I came to this site looking for answers for something I have never had to deal with before. What I found was a lot of judgmental people and name callers. I am not a saint I am a liar and a cheater. I don't deny that. So is the OW and so is my wife.

 

If I could go back and undue what I have done I would but I cant. I can attempt to fix things.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

Which of the many lies is the one you're tormented by?

 

The obvious one.

[turnera]

That's a whole another level of pain. They haven't never had to deal with something like this so I really don't know.

At the very LEAST it should direct any FUTURE MOVES. You screw up. You don't have to KEEP screwing up. Somewhere, somehow, you need to show them when they find out - and they will - that you THEN learned how bad it was and you took steps to at least TRY to regain some shred of dignity by cutting it off and doing the right thing.

 

Your kids become duplicates of you, whether you want them to or not. Do you wish this on them?

[Snowflower]

I came to this site looking for answers for something I have never had to deal with before. What I found was a lot of judgmental people and name callers. I am not a saint I am a liar and a cheater. I don't deny that. So is the OW and so is my wife.

 

If I could go back and undue what I have done I would but I cant. I can attempt to fix things.

 

I'm sorry you feel this place is judgmental.

 

What specifically would you like help with in your situation then?

[veryhappy]

I came to this site looking for answers for something I have never had to deal with before. What I found was a lot of judgmental people and name callers. I am not a saint I am a liar and a cheater. I don't deny that. So is the OW and so is my wife.

 

If I could go back and undue what I have done I would but I cant. I can attempt to fix things.

 

Your wife is not a cheater or a liar as far as you know. Why bundle her with you and the OW?

 

I'm a fOW by the way. You don't need to like what you here, and you don't need to agree with everything. I for example am a believer of not confessing the affair if you are staying and comminting to the M. Other people believe differently.

 

You haven't answered the question: what do you want?

[turnera]

I came to this site looking for answers for something I have never had to deal with before. What I found was a lot of judgmental people and name callers. I am not a saint I am a liar and a cheater. I don't deny that. So is the OW and so is my wife.

 

If I could go back and undue what I have done I would but I cant. I can attempt to fix things.

We aren't judging you, dude. We are telling you that you chose the wrong thing and you now need to STOP DOING IT and you need to TELL YOUR WIFE THE TRUTH so she has 100% of the knowledge she needs to live her life.

 

THAT is the answer you need to hear.

 

Are you going to use it?

[whichwayisup]

I came to this site looking for answers for something I have never had to deal with before. What I found was a lot of judgmental people and name callers. I am not a saint I am a liar and a cheater. I don't deny that. So is the OW and so is my wife.

 

If I could go back and undue what I have done I would but I cant. I can attempt to fix things.

 

Just keep being honest. People here are helpful, even if words are harsh, it's coming from a good place. Ignore the down right rude posts that aren't helpful and focus on the ones that you feel are more helpful to you. All advice comes in different packages.

 

Get to counseling to help you cope with all this, confess to your wife about the affair and go from there. She needs to know the truth so she can decide for herself if she feels you're worthy of a second chance to fix the marriage or divorce. Or, decide tell her and then let her know you've decided divorce is on the table, reguardless.

 

Right now your focus has to be on the above, not the OW. No way should you just up and leave your marriage and start a new relationship with the OW. Be alone for a while, and be OK with being alone without having any women in your life. This way you and OW are out of the affair dynamic and if you do get together, 'date' her in the proper and honest way, unlike before when all that you feel about her is all based on 'affair' dynamic. You may know her on some level, intimately and all but you don't "know" her that well overall.

 

I do agree with a few others who have touched on this, you're not the victim, nor is the OW. You two created this mess and it's unfair to justify and blame your wife for your choice in cheating. You had many opportunties in the past to end your marriage, fix it without throwing in the towel and choosing to cheat - Could have left years ago when you realized you didn't love your wife anymore.

 

I feel for your children though. Family counseling can help everybody adjust if you do decide to divorce. Remember, you and your wife will always have to co parent together for many years to come.